The rest of the story ......

I just finally published all the posts I made after my pregnancy test. In case there are people out there going through the same things who happen to read this blog....I published them to let you know you are not alone. It has been very helpful to me in the past 1 1/2 years to go through and read the journey others have taken. Sometimes it seems that all of the journeys end in happy endings, but mostly I think that's just because it's so hard to write about it when they don't.

So here's my ending......

The morning of November 2nd I received a call from my aunt. She told my that my cousin just had her baby. I was happy for her.....I wondered if I was only happy b/c I was pregnant too.....but no, I was definitely happy for her. Of course, I desperately wanted that to be me as well. We had a 1pm u/s appt....the big 8 week appt that we both knew was the make or break u/s. If we could get passed this ultrasound, I may actually start to be excited about being pregnant. We sat in the eerily familiar waiting room as I tried to drink more water until we were called in. I changed into my gown and the u/s tech started the u/s as I explained to her our past history and how important this day was for us.

It quickly turned into a deja vu moment that I never wanted to have. The u/s tech could not find the sac, so she sent me to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then, we moved on to the vaginal u/s. (I already know where this is going but I'm holding my breath for a different outcome) We find the sac and can see blood flowing all around it.....but I don't see a heartbeat....and I barely see anything inside the sac. It seems a long time as the tech keeps looking but she finally says that the baby's size is only about 5 1/2 weeks, which means it shrunk from the last u/s...which means.....well.... that's when I started to cry. She says she is so sorry and leaves us alone. And then all I could say softly was "fuck.....fuck....fuck" as Dan hugged me. And then, it was all over. We both knew this was it. No matter what the doctors keep telling us, our chance for having our own genetic child was done. We don't have unlimited funds and I don't have the unlimited emotional strength to go through this again and again. I'd like my mental state and our marriage to remain intact.

I went in 2 days later for the d&e......and was very thankful not to run into my aunt or uncle anywhere in the hospital that day. A few days after I developed major pain and had to go to the er. It turned into a 3 weeks saga but I'm finally recovered.

We have other options left to have a family.....for the past couple of months we've just been recovering from a very very long year.