Girlies!!!

I told the girlies' (the TB's) about the pregnancy last night. We all got together for K's B-day. I really wanted to tell them in person. I was hoping to have the 2nd u/s with a heartbeat under my belt but I didn't want to wait b/c I have no idea when we'd be getting together next. I figured they were dying to know as much as I was! I showed them the u/s picture and they were all choked up. They are so sweet. J got all teared up and they all hugged me. Love those girlies!!!

Yesterday morning I went to get the H1N1 shot. They had a designated place set up for Montco residents (children 5-9 and pregnant women). So I get there 20 mins early and the parking lot is already full. Now this is one huge synagogue...so that's a big parking lot. I park on a side street and walk over. I was hoping the line (the giant line) would be inside, but alas no...and it goes along the whole sidewalk. I had to change into a short sleeve shirt to get the shot, so there I am in my t-shirt and lil leather jacket. oops. Luckily, we only waited about an hour....and I got to meet some nice people in the line.

On the way to girls' night though, I started feelin' wonky. I had the chills and was feeling a bit fluish. It got better when I ate some food, but then I woke up in the night with major stomach upset. This morning I slept until 9, despite the fact that the contractor comes at 8....and I'm still feeling kind of weird. Hopefully this will pass soon.

I definitely needed the shot though b/c I need to go to Matty's 5 year bday party in a couple of weeks and need to be protected from the slimy germs!!!

My new life....

So...what do you do when you are 41 1/2 and get pregnant? You make a new career out of going to doctor's appts of course!!! I'm going to have both a regular OB and a high-risk OB. I've just set up consultations, followed by ultrasounds followed by testing....blah blah blah. I love how they are making me get genetic counseling even though I've done that twice already. I wonder how getting pregnant again makes the schpeel any different?

Today I had to go to the RE's office and pick up copies of my file to give both offices. I've also been hunting down a place to get the H1N1 flu shot and luckily I found one. Even though you get pregnant, the appt and injection fun does not stop!

A Rollercoaster of a day!

We had our second u/s appt scheduled for 1:15pm. The last few hours before the appt were really nerve-wracking for me. I drove all the way up to Montgomery Mall to return something. I went to one store then decided to head back home. I was a totally mess basically. My stomach was a bit squirrely too.

So I go and give blood and then D and I wait in the waiting room. For another 1/2 hour!!! Uggggh, they are never on time on that side. Then we finally go into the exam room....and wait 15-20 minutes more. This time without my pants. That's always fun.

However, all our frustrations went away when we found out our doctor for the day would be Dr. S. yay! He always answers our questions so that put me at ease. So, on to the u/s. We were really nervous about seeing the heartbeat today. I see the sac and the baby and I see fluid moving around that I hadn't seen before....I was pretty sure that it was the heart. But, Dr. S puts a different screen up that shows the sound waves of the heartbeat and it was a flatline....ugggh this is what happened to us last time when we had our m/c so I became very anxious. Then he turns that off and continues to do the exam. He says that his silence is not an indication that anything is wrong ...that's when I ask him if there's a heartbeat. An he says "oh yes"....and shows me the spot...the one that I originally saw. yay! He said that this machine wasn't able to detect it on audio this early. sigh.....ok

Then we can see the placenta and he points everything out. Then, he gives the assistant the u/s and she starts poking and prodding in very bad directions. I'm not sure what she was measuring and looking for, but it was uncomfortable.

Anyway, we left with our cool picture and very excited. D and I went out to dinner to celebrate.

Here's the rollercoaster part. I got home from dinner and when I went to the bathroom found out I was bleeding. (damn u/s girl!) I immediately went and put my feet up for the rest of the night. Luckily the bleeding has stopped, but it was very scary end to a very exciting day.

Cakewalk....well, not so much

Which is worse? The two week wait or finding out your pregnant and having to wait a week between ultrasounds to see if you're STILL pregnant? Well, it's a trick question because they are both equally evil and maddening!!!

They gutted my kitchen yesterday so there's lots of activity going on. I've been running around packing boxes and setting up a makeshift kitchen in our backroom...now I'm on to answering contractor questions. You would think I'd have no time to be worried about the outcome of my new u/s right? You don't know me very well do you? I spend the time that I should be sleeping worrying about just that. Last night I was convinced that D used a regular tea bag not decaf in the nighttime tea he made me. I was that awake most of the night.

It doesn't help that I'm having these cramps on my right side. They are similar to "I'm about to get my period" cramps and the drs office said they were normal. They scare the shit out of me. I'll be here on the computer and get up to do something and have to stop in my tracks and breeeeeathe....breeeeeathe. Then they are gone again. Not cool fertility gods, not cool.

My boobs are starting to hurt a bit more and I notice my bra is getting a little snug. I feel a little like someone took a bike pump and put it.....let's say in my.....belly button (what did you think I was going to say? nice!) and is blowing me up like a Macy's Day Parade Float. Let's hope I don't explode in a public place!

Still no nausea or dizziness yet so I'm thankful for that. Now if I could I just flashforward about 7 months or at least 2 months and know this is all going to be ok?

If I didn't know.....

I wouldn't think that I'm pregnant. So far, I've had a couple days of fatigue and a few headaches. Compared to an IVF cycle, this is a cakewalk. Of course, I could be puking every 5 minutes next week but right now, I feel pretty good. I get mild cramps every once in a while which is kind of scary, but the doctor said this is normal. My boobs are a little sore, but no big deal.

This whole train of thought started yesterday after I did a 2 hour photo shoot for my cousin. I just couldn't believe how much energy I had. The last time I was pregnant I couldn't get off the couch. I tried weeding my garden while sitting on a stool and called D crying b/c it was too hard and I was too dizzy to do it. This time, the only similarity is that I'm thirsty as hell. It doesn't seem to be coming out in the quantity it's going in, so after gaining 1 1/2 lbs in 2 weeks, I've decided to stop looking on a daily basis. It's just too upsetting.

It's probably overly ambitious to be planning this kitchen renovation in the middle of all of this...but how did I know? I've had my life in limbo for so long I had to just decide to live it no matter what. And....it's the no matter what that is so scary to me now. I can't believe I have to wait another 4 days until the next u/s. I wish this room were padded!

Big Day!

It was a little hard to sleep last night knowing my first ultrasound is today. I get nervous at each new step....will this be the end of the road for us....or will we keep moving forward? I know we probably won't see a heartbeat today and even if we do, we need to get past 7 1/2 weeks for it to be real to me, ya know? It's all just so scary and so exciting. I can't ignore it and I so want to be excited, but then I have flashbacks to the day we found out we lost our first pregnancy. That flash of intense sadness is like a slap in the face that keeps me from getting carried away. It was probably the 2nd saddest thing that ever happened to me in my life.

But....like D said, everything was different about this IVF cycle. And...the whole idea of IVF is to help find the strongest embryos and put those back in. If I was to try getting pregnant naturally at my age, it's possible I would have become pregnant again, but the chances would have been much higher that there would be an abnormality. These embryos were monitored every step of the way and they were the strongest of the bunch......and they made it to blastocyst, so that gives me hope that this pregnancy will be different.....stronger.....better.....(sorry, I went into Six Million Dollar Man mode there).

I can see the future right now and it's so exciting. I hope it's not taken away again....because I'm really looking forward to it.

2:23pm. Wow, that was pretty surreal. I was pretty nervous going in. Dr. S, who we haven't seen since our IVF consultation, came in and started cracking jokes. He was like a whirlwind. He talked amazingly fast but at least he 1) acknowledged that he knew we had a miscarriage and 2) answered my ?s without me asking them. He said that no matter what anyone says we will be nervous for a long time b/c of the previous miscarriage. But......for now, we have one good looking yolk sak and tiny dot of baby (trust me, it's there). Still, excited and scared.....I have a feeling that will be around for a while.

Waiting Waiting Waiting

It's been a very long weekend for me. Instead of the every other day blood test, but because of the weekend, I had to go an extra day. I'm not even sure how I stayed sane the first time I was pregnant. I didn't even have my first doctor's appt (aka nurse consultation) until 7 weeks. Now I find 2 days without a blood test maddening.

So, it's 12:30 now and I'm waiting for the nurse's call with my results. I'm trying to distract myself by packing for our kitchen renovation, but I'm carrying my cell phone from room to room. Basically, the whole distraction idea is not working! I keep checking the phone like it may have rung in my pocket and I didn't hear it. Yes, I've totally lost it!

D and I are both walking the tightrope between being excited and not getting too invested at this point. It's very, very hard. I want to be excited, but I'm so scared about the letdown. One of the girls in our support group has been to this level and well-beyond 4 times now before she miscarried. I can't even imagine that...and those possibilities are always in the back of my mind now.

"Courage isn't an absence of fear. It's doing what you are afraid to do. It's having the power to let go of the familiar and forge ahead into new territory."
~John Maxwell

1:45pm Our beta number is 1738! yay! I made an appt for Thursday for our first u/s! yay!

Nothing like doing a newborn baby shoot to distract you from the fact that you're pregnant eh? Well, hopefully it will. sigh I'm getting a bit obsessed with the whole thing. It's a little hard to not think about it. I wish it could be 8 weeks already so we could be passed the point where the pregnancy ended last time. I really need to stop reading about miscarriage rates for women over 40 on the internet.

Yesterday I was making a list of things to do this weekend. D was annoyed b/c he said if he were packing for the kitchen renovation, he'd do it the night before. My point of view is that I have no idea how I'll be feeling in 2 weeks. I may not be able to get off the couch like last time.

So.....later that day...I was all full of pep, then around 3pm I started to get really tired. Then, I started to get REALLY tired. I wound up laying on the couch until 11pm. ha! I win round 1!

Headache explained!

Luckily when I woke up this morning, the killer and never-ending headache from yesterday was gone. During my blood test, I said to the nurse how I guess it's not multiples since these levels have been pretty normal so far. She said that sometimes, it ccan jump up all of a sudden. Don't ya know, I got the call with my results later and I went from 92, to 180 to 542!!!!!! uh oh! We'll have to wait for the u/s's to find out for sure. I'm just happy the numbers are going up!

Arrrrrgh me achin' heeeeeed

The first time I was pregnant in May 2008, I was never nauseous. My big pregnancy symptom was extreme dizziness (I SAID DIZZINESS, not DITZINESS people! jeez, insulting me on my own blog with your thoughts!). Anywhoooo, I wasn't able to stand up for long periods of time. Before I knew I was pregnant, I thought I was getting the flu because I had to go lay down in the middle of blowdrying my hair.

This time, I've felt pretty good. I have a pinching feeling on my lower right side. I thought the headaches I was having were from caffeine withdrawal, but today I'm convinced otherwise. I've officially done everything to get rid of this headache and it won't budge. I drank some iced tea, I took a nap, I took a bath, I drank some water...still....throbbing. I'm hesitant to take any tylenol for it if I don't have to and I don't really think it will help. Tylenol is pretty useless. I'm always amused at the Tylenol commercial that says this is what they give women who have just delivered in the hospital. Yeah, that's because that's all they can take while breastfeeding, not because it actually takes away their pain.

So, I guess I'll have to ride the wave and assume this is happening because there's been another big jump in my beta level. I'll find out tomorrow at blood test #3! I wonder how many of these I'll have to do.

And, speaking of that pinching feeling....I've had that a couple of times while on the two week wait from a natural cycle or ivf cycle. I wonder if my embryos were starting to implant then peetered out. Hope we have a strong one this time! yay turbo-co-culture!

Now for the good news....

After the healthcare coverage fiasco, I rec'd a call from Dawn Marie (one of the IVF nurses) saying my beta was 180~! Yay! We have doubling!!!!! Almost perfect doubling! UHC can TRY to bring me down, but it will not work. Not today my friends, not today!

Arrrrrgh! myuhc myass!

Back before I was laid off I was covered by United Healthcare. They have a 10K lifetime limit on fertility treatments. So, I did all the testing to see if there was any reason we weren't getting pregnant, then in January we did our first round of IVF. I kept track of all the payouts and at the time we started, we had at least $5100 left in coverage. When I called UHC, they said I had like $8000. They also said that the account would be reviewed in 120 days and they would let me know if there was a problem. So, UHC pays the whole cycle, and June comes and goes with nothing from them. Then I hear today from my doctor's office that UHC wants $5400 back and my doctor's office wants me to pay it. huh??????

I will try to fight it, but I don't know how far I can get with a giant healthcare company. First the contractor is trying to swindle us, now this. sigh

A rough one!

Monday PM ...D and I decided to go to our support group tonight to let everyone know about the benefits of co-culture. I was a little hesitant because there are some people in our group that have been there years before us and I didn't want to upset them with our news. The leader insisted we come and when we got there, the 2 people I was most worried about came in. ugggh. So we all told our stories and at the end one of the 2 girls said she just had a miscarriage. She miscarried after the heartbeat and everything. I totally knew how she felt and felt so horrible for her. I'm sure the last thing she wanted to hear was our news. sigh.

But, there was someone else there with the same egg quality issues as me, so maybe I helped and not hurt. We probably won't keep going though....I don't want anyone to dread going to the group b/c of us.

Beta Day!

Yes, today it became official! I AM PREGNANT! Three of the IVF nurses called me together to deliver the news....one even sang me a little "You are pregnant, you are pregnant" song. So sweet! I felt a bit guilty for using the HPTs b/c I couldn't be as excited with them. I was also in the middle of a granite store so I had to temper a bit. So...my beta level is 92! This is definitely a good level. Now we go back in 2 days and hope it comes close to doubling. On to hurdle #2.

It's strange, with all that D and I have been through in this past year and a half, I thought it had ruined all the excitement. It really hasn't. I'm cautious and a bit scared, but still very excited. I am much more aware of all the hurdles I have in front of me....but right now I'm just very grateful to even get the chance to face them.

I realize that there is nothing I can do to make this pregnancy stick or not at this point....I just have to go where it leads me....and hope. My goal right now is to get through Wednesday and see how the 2nd blood test goes.

T-2 days Saturday

Well, I've taken a multitude of pregnancy tests since Thursday. They are all lined up on the toilet tank in our bathroom. The good news is that the one (ok two) from this morning are distinctly darker. This means the amount of HCG in my body is increasing....which means the pregnancy is continuing...so far.

The bad news is that after my first positive test on Friday I started spotting. Now this just be a thing called implantation bleeding...but it's still going on today so I do have a bit of worry. We'll have to wait and see though....and hope it all works out. I keep thinking of that "I didn't know I was pregnant" show. I'm addicted to it. So many of the women are all "but I had my period each month what do you mean I'm in labor". I also have the internet to support me in whatever angle I choose to believe in. If I google "bleeding 12dpo ivf" I'm sure to find 10 girls who are having the same experience as me and 10 who aren't. So, right now I'm with the ones who are saying "it's all ok...don't you worry you're pretty head".

Is that what people call optimism? It feels so strange!

T-3 days Today is Friday, my pregnancy test is Monday. Woke up at 7am and realized I had to pee. We gave the dog a bath last night and I had no allergy meds in my system since I can’t take any Allegra-d right now and Claritin is well….useless crap. I look in the mirror and my eyes are all puffy. Shit, I look REALLY tired, but I have to pee, so this means I have to take the test and then stay up and wait. I start sneezing…which is what I do in the morning….so I’m waiting and surfing the internet and sneezing…with my puffy eyes…it’s a lovely scene. I check the test, nothing. I check the test a few minutes later….nothing. I can’t focus really well (because it’s 7 freakin’ am) so I go into the bathroom for brighter light….can’t see anything. I am still not convinced so I go get the flashlight and can’t see anything. (This reeks of desperation I know) I am disgusted and toss the HPT into the trash in my office. But you know it doesn’t end there! I surf the internet for a while and then of course I fish it out of the trash and look again (with the flashlight….I know, I’m so disgusted with myself as well, I’m a grown woman for god’s sake…I need to get a grip!) and see an teeny tiny faint pink line. Now there are 2 rules of HPT’s that apply here: 1) a line is a line. If you don’t have the hormone it won’t turn pink. and 2) The test results are not valid after 10 minutes. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!!! This does not help my desperation one bit.

Since I can hear Dan stirring, I go in and ask him if he would like some false hope for the day…..and then tell him the story. He’s actually on my side and says if it’s pink it’s pink…and that this is what happened the last time. Last time, the line looked kinda of gray then got pinker and pinker each day. I LOVE HIM so much at this moment! He gets up and I show him the stick and he’s like “oh I can definitely see it” (sans flashlight and all).

After he gets ready and kisses me goodbye, I suggest that maybe I should spend my day taking pregnancy tests every hour on the hour. He suggests that I should probably just wait until tomorrow morning….or at least 12 hours. What’s reason got to do with this? REALLY!!!!!

Do you think I will be able sleep a wink tonight knowing I will get up in the morning to test again and dying to know if this pink line is for reals?

10:17 am You KNOW I couldn’t wait 12 hours…I have 2 perfectly good, unused tests sitting right here and I suddenly have to go to the bathroom again. Sssshhhhhhh don’t tell Dan! 6 minutes in….there’s definitely a teeny tiny faint pink line.

Now this is getting interesting!!!!!

Delayed Entry - T-4 days

Since I’m non-blogging mode about my ivf cycle outcome. I decided to write it all down so that once I hit the end of my first trimester I can let you all know what happened.

T-4 days 4 days until my beta test. I know the chances are slim that it would show on a home test yet….still there I was peeing on the stick! Zippo!

Funny story (maybe): Right before my egg retrieval, I had to take what they call a trigger shot. It’s a mega-dose of HCG, the pregnancy hormone, this tells the pituitary gland to tell the ovaries to ovulate. Apparently, some ladies have been doing it wrong (I’m not sure how this is possible….but ok) and go in for their retrieval and get no eggs. So, the drs office now makes us take a pregnancy test the next morning to make sure the HCG is in your system. Then, you have to call and leave them a message that your test was positive. My message was something like this: “uh this is Linda M.….just calling to say that my pregnancy test was positive this morning. I’m kind of surprised because I was convinced these things were defective”…….followed by more rambling and sarcasm. Those poor nurses must think I’m totally nuts which…..well…..

Proof Positive

Sorry,I'm not talking about a pregnancy test result! I know that's mean, but that's how I roll.

I was just thinking about.....what if this is THE cycle...what if I do get pregnant? Basically, it's with the help of the wonderful doctors but....this was not the next step they recommended for me. They actually didn't recommend this at all...and I'm not sure why. After my last failed fresh cycle I asked the 2 doctors involved to put their heads together and come up with a best course of action for me. They recommended a D&C to "reboot my system". Well, after searching on the internet for any kind of research paper or data to support this, I spoke to one of the doctors who confirmed that there is no data to support this. Then, I came up with this gameplan...and when I did, the doctor supported it. I didn't invent it, but I did suggest it. Even if this cycle is negative, we had some great results. So I know, that if we stop here, this was the best we could do....if it didn't work then obviously my eggs are crap. Still, I'll be certain that I did all I could.

Moral: Be your own advocate...know all you can about the IVF process.....study study study. It will make you mad.....but doctors don't always tell you everything so you have to do it!