Pushing it Down!

When I first had the miscarriage around this time last year, I was devastated. But, my main goal was to look forward and try to get pregnant again as soon as possible....like somehow that would erase it. Then, that didn't happen like we had hoped. So now, we've been doing this fertility treatment thing for 7 months now. It's strange how it's starting to feel like normal. The shots....the meds, the appts, the bloating...the rollercoaster ride of hormones are just another part of my day. I do feel like I'm in limbo and that I'm pretty boring lately. There's lots that I can't do and I always have to think about what I eat and drink and not to do anything to strenuous etc. The thing I try not to think about is being pregnant. I try not to indulge that part of me that was so excited in those few weeks before my miscarriage. I try to hold it together and not think about what happens if I never can get pregnant. I talk about it openly mostly and sometimes I think b/c I'm not crying or upset some people don't realize what a difficult place we are in right now.

I figured being emotional or being depressed is not going to help the situation....and having too much hope is going to set me up for a fall. So, I push it down and push it down.....

Today, I was surprised when it just bubbled up out of nowhere. I'm in the 2 week wait...waiting to be able to take "the test". The hormones are done, there are no more drs appts, just waiting. I was waiting to meet K-ita for lunch and just started looking through the camera pics on my phone. There were pics of flowers that D had sent me at work....pics of my new haircuts that I send to my friends the day of....pics of the TBs at a Bob Schneider concert and then there it was.... the picture of my positive pregnancy test last April. Ouch! I wasn't expecting that. I remembered how excited we were that day and how we couldn't believe we got pregnant so quickly. OK push it down woman!

So then I had a great lunch with K-ita and we were saying goodbye in the parking lot. She hugged me and said goodbye to me, then she looked at my belly and said goodbye to my embryos. She's so awesome. And for a second, I felt that feeling again. I think people call it hope....or maybe excitement...or just a big mushy mess of who knows what. I'm not even sure anymore it's been so long. Frick! It's hard to push that back down again.