I thought I'd seen and been through it all!

Before I get started, I'd like to thank all my family and friends who have written me or told me that they've been keeping up with my blog. Thanks so much for all of your support and for being there for me all along this journey. Please don't ask me in person if I'm pregnant. If it happens, we'll need to get passed some hurdles to feel like it's the real deal.

For all of you who don't know me and are following my journey because you are in a similar situation, I hope in some way it's of some comfort to you.

So......when you're on your eighth IVF, you sometimes think you've seen it all. Yeah, yeah, I take my meds....yeah, yeah I take my shots.....poking, prodding, prodding, poking. I find it amazing that I had never been to a male OB/GYN before this whole process (cough cough debacle/nightmare) and now I not only have male doctors, but a whole cast of people in the room with me. That doesn't even count the other "lab" people on the other side of the "takeout window".

IVF has also changed my perspective. There are moments when I feel it's all really out of control, which it is. And there are moments when I feel I've learned how to be OK with that. I think about myself three years ago. The person that got pregnant the very first month we tried. She was giddy and although she wasn't naive to the fact there were some risks because of age, thought she would overcome all of that. With all she had been through to find the right person and be in the place she was, there was no way the universe wouldn't do right by her. Turns out it was genetics and age not the universe who had a say. That person seems so far away from the person that I am now. When our last IVF failed miserably before the transfer even happened, I thought there was no way to recapture the excitement, the hope, or the joy usually associated with the pregnancy process.

Well, I'm hear to tell you that it can happen. Yes, it's true that I don't have any clue if I'm pregnant or not at this point. It's also true that I will once again be devastated if this cycle turns out negative. It's even possible that this could be the last chance for us for good. At the same time, I'm extremely excited, extremely hopeful and even happy.

I learned that a horrible situation can be easily put into the past when there's a good memory to put in it's place. I'm hoping that if this IVF cycle turns into a pregnancy, that all of this IVF journey will become a distant memory. How wonderful that would be at this point.

SO HERE'S THE UPDATE.....

To borrow from Ferris Bueller a bit. "This ones for Linda, who didn't think she'd see anything good again."

As you know, we've had an amazing response with these 10 embryos. The response was so great, that out of the 10, we had 2 blastocysts to transfer and 3 to freeze. This is such a total 180 from the last cycle we had. I mean, it's the BEST cycle we've ever had....it's unbelievable!!!!

The day of the transfer, we know the drill. I drink water....we should up at our transfer time. I get ready in the room (the takeout window room). The doctor hands us our cool embryo photo. It usually has a brownish tint to it. I think it makes it easier to see the embryos. BUT THIS TIME it's tinted PURPLE. OK, did I mention that I'm wearing a purple flannel shirt and my Dr. Seussish purple/aqua socks and that I LOVE purple? Um yeah. It's totally a sign right?

We're at my favorite part of the procedure. There's a monitor to my right. Suddenly it turns on and there's a close-up shot of our petri dish. We know it's "OUR" dish because it says our last name on the side. (Good to know those are your babies you're putting back!) Then, they zoom in on the 2 blasts. She only leaves it on for just a second. I gasped and pointed at the screen...then it was gone. OK! NOW THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING! I've never seen that before, but I knew exactly what it was. One of the blasts looked like a normal blast. The other, was smaller with a little halo effect around it and you can see that part of it was coming out one side. THIS BLAST WAS STARTING TO HATCH!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! If you think it's a good sign getting to blastocyst stage, seeing that just sent me over the moon! Hatching is the step right before the embryo implants.

It's amazing how the results of this cycle helped me put the tears of the last one aside. It's been a painful process and I know it may not turn out the way we want in the end. The one thing it has taught me is that there's always another day, another side to it all and another amazing thing that will surprise you.

Cross your fingers....say a prayer.....send us all your good juju!

BOO YA!

That's what my husband yelled out after I got off the phone with the IVF lab this morning. He insisted that I make it my blog headline. I totally agree! (He also told our first donor cycle to suck it....but as a headline, not so good.)

A major shoutout is in order to The Universe for coming through today. I didn't have to make any hard decisions. That's right, we had FIVE, count 'em FIVE 8-celled embryos, 3-7 cells, 1-5 cell and 1-10 cell. Boo ya!!! Damn straight! We're going to a 5 day blastocyst transfer!

This is the kind of response I expected in our last donor cycle. The benefit of using a donor is that their eggs are much higher quality (because the donor and the eggs are younger). During the last donor cycle we had 18 fertilized embryos. We immediately froze 1/2 of them. Of the remaining 9, "the best" embryos on day 3 were 1-8 cell and 1-7 cell. I knew that something was up right then. Of course, after using all 18 of those embryos and having none of them stick, we learned it the hard way.

But we're moving on from that. And I'm so excited!!! REALLY EXCITED!!!!

There's just one thing I should mention. During my research last night I read that transferring 2 at the blastocyst stage means a 73% of having twins. Could that possibly be true? Oh boy!

Yes, we have some morulas.....we have some morulas today!

Actually yesterday, but you get the idea. The term the embryologist used was "compacting"...we had 4 compacting embryos as of yesterday as well as 1-10 cell, 1-9 cell, 1- 8 cell and the rest of 6's, 5's and 2-4's. The 2-4 cells had not doubled since the previous day so they are peetering out. But, the great news is that, as of yesterday we had 4 compacting embryos which means they are exactly on track for day 4 development. Of course, as soon as I got off the phone I had to google more info on morulas(it's what I do). It gave me chills reading about it....I was just amazed. Check out this cool pic (not my embryo) and explanation.



"This is a compacting morula. There are many cells and the cell borders are becoming fuzzy as the embryo "compacts". With compaction it looks as though the cells are "melting together". A morula contains about 10-30 cells. The morula stage is the final stage prior to formation of a fluid filled cavity called the blastocoel cavity.

Embryo arrest at the morula stage is not uncommon, which is one reason that transfer at the blastocyst stage can be a beneficial IVF treatment strategy."

Well, since I haven't received my day 5 results yet, we'll totally ignore the last sentence and think happy, happy thoughts about blastocysts.

So, think hopeful thoughts for us that our embryos made it through to blast. So far we have had every indication that this extreme change in protocol was the right one, but today is the next big hurdle. There's always a chance we could walk in for our transfer today and find out that none of them made it through this stage.

I know, I know, happy thoughts.....this is why they gave me the valium for today!
I must find the happy place!

Aw Snap!!!!

I set my alarm for 7am since the drs office was calling between 7-7:30. I then proceeded to torture D out of his dream state. Apparently, if you make little noises in someone's ear it is very, very loud to them. Who knew????? ;P

They called around 8 so by then we were totally awake. We couldn't believe the news.

Now let me preface by saying that in the last 2 cycles the best results we had was 1-8 cell embryo and a couple 5 and 6's and the rest were all 4s. Today, we have SIX - 8 cells, 1- 6cell, 2-5cell and 7-4cell. The criteria for going to blastocyst at my clinic is 5- 8 cells so we are officially going to a 5 day transfer.

I am so stunned at the difference the co-culture has made. I wish they suggested it sooner. (Oh wait, I was the one who suggested it..but I digress.) We only expect to get 2 or 3 blasts to transfer, but the idea is that those will be the strong ones with no age-related abnormalities. Think lots of healthy growing embryonic thoughts will ya?

Day 2

The Day 2 results don't really say much usually. Except.......for the fact that I have this blog and can compare my day 2 results with my previous 2 ivf cycles. BONANZA!

OK so here it is:

IVF #1 IVF #2 IVF#3

......... ......... 1-5cell

2-4cell 1-4cell 3-4cell

3-3cell 3-3cell 5-3cell

9-2cell 11-2cell 7-2cell


Now THESE results are something to be excited about!!! (and also prove that my 2nd cycle with the Lupron protocol totally sucked!) I also just realized that for a cycle I thought had the least follicles of them all, we ended up with the most embryos. Wow! Now we just wait and hope the co-culturing continues to do its stuff and we have a good amount of 8-cells by tomorrow AM. We'll talk to the embryologist then and make the call on a 3 day or 5 day transfer.

Oooooo, did you feel that??? That was another twinge of hope. uh oh!

Egger'date

19 retrieved, 18 mature (which I'm stunned to hear) and 16 fertilized!!!!

There were so many small follicles on the u/s I can't believe that almost all were actually mature. This part is so exciting yet I hate having hope. It'll be like jumping off Niagara if this one doesn't work.

I'm still a bit sore, but I'm down to just tylenol instead of tylenol with codeine. I was up a bit around 5am when all my meds wore off, but D hooked me up with the heating pad and it all calmed down again. I like how in the doctor's discharge instructions they write it like you're going to think about going to the gym that day or something. Oh, and don't lift more than 20 lbs. DUUUUDE, I CAN'T GET OFF THE COUCH AND I'M HAPPY TO BE ABLE TO PEE NORMALLY!!!!

oops. tmi... and yes, if my doctor can call my eggs "juicy" I believe I can refer to him indirectly as dude. Off to have mass quantities of caffeinated tea while I can!

Go eggers!!!

Originally, I created this blog so that my friends and family could check on my "fertility status" without having to ask me all the time...and so that they could know what goes into this whole arduous process. But....I don't always think in those terms when I'm venting and ranting on a daily basis....it's more a stream of consciousness of my current state of insanity. So, when you see me next, please pretend I did not tell you about my "juicy" ovaries or how much I've been peeing lately! :P

Thanks to everyone who was checking today to see how my retrieval went. I blame the percocet and tylenol with codeine for my inability to put sentences together. The retrieval went well and I'm just resting and a little crampy now. After the past few days, it's a walk in the park. I was very glad to get those little eggers out. I told D I felt like a Jiffy Pop bag ready to burst...but at least I wasn't nauseous anymore!

The anesthesiologist started my pain meds before the doctor came in. First, I felt a little loopy, then I noticed that the lights in the ceiling looked like I was being pushed on a gurney down the hallway, but I wasn't moving. Pretty cool! Next thing you know, I woke up and it was over. I said how I hadn't even seen the doctor. The nurse told me that I had seen him and even said hi....then she corrected and said "actually you said 'Ciao". Em...barrrasssssinnnng!!!!

Apparently, they gave me a new med in my iv that they thought would help with my asthma. The effect was to totally dry out my mouth and throat. When I woke up, my lips were stuck to my gums and I immediately drank 2 full glasses of water. It's been almost 12 hours since the procedure and my voice is still dry and raspy. It's a good time to try out my version of "Betty Davis Eyes"!

Ok, ok, I'll cut to the chase, don't bury the lead I know, I know. So, although it was a lackluster start.....NINETEEN eggs were retrieved!!!! Of course, a bunch of these were more like 10mm than 16mm so they may not be mature enough to fertilize. We'll have the fertilization results tomorrow morning so cross your fingers!

From there, we'll see how they grow with the co-culture and decide how to proceed from there. Go eggers!!!!

A whole new wave!

It's 3am and it's the nausea wave I'm riding today. I'm on day 4 of ganerilix. I had to start it a little early b/c my estrogen levels were high. Nausea, unfortunately, is one of the side effects. D rolled over and suddenly I felt like I was on the Bering Sea on a Deadliest Catch boat. I don't remember having this before, or being so freakin' uncomfortable that my ovaries woke me up in the middle of the night. Alas, this is my lot this time. I'm REALLY hoping they will tell me I can take my trigger shot at tomorrow's appt. That means all the meds would finally stop.

I weighed in at WW this morning, but only lost a 1/2 lb. I'm assuming it's b/c of the giant follicles in me right now. I'm drinking lots of water, but it's not all coming out the other way. Can you say water retention?

It's so hard just sitting around doing nothing right now. I have so many projects I want to do before it gets too cold. I'm all ready to go with painting and redecorating our bathroom....the ladder is in the hallway and the paint is purchased. It's all on hold because I realized if I started I wouldn't be able to finish for a few weeks. Painting during the two week wait is not really a good idea.

I won't even mention the debacle going on with our kitchen renovation contractor. I'm trying to stay as zen as possible. He's not helping.

Marching on......

I'll cut to the chase. Went in for my u/s this morning. There were some good sized follicles. They say they are in the same range as my other 2 cycles at this time. So basically they said the quantity can vary from cycle to cycle, but the response (growth, estrogen levels, etc.) is still really good for my age. Who knows what to believe anymore. I did see 6 decent ones on the right and 2 decent ones on the left and a few smaller ones. I guess we're moving forward. How do I feel about it all? Well, to quote Mike Doughty, "These fears are bountiful".

Now I have the craziest story to share. So, I went to my cousin's baby shower yesterday. And, just like her wedding shower, she had more people there than my actual wedding. It took her 3 hours to open all the gifts. We couldn't even see the front of the room. It was crazy! But she looked adorable and I'm so happy for her. She has lots of health problems so I'm so glad she didn't have to go through all of this too.

I must preface by saying...I love my Aunt...I really do. She is just the sweetest person and always doted on all of us. But...she is also the LAST person in the whole world I wanted to know about my IVF. Someone, who shall remain nameless (3 letters, spelled the same forwards and backwards, gave birth to me and denies all culpability) told her about my fertility struggles. So, I go to this shower with a bit of armor on, but also feeling a bit vulnerable b/c of all the latest challenges....like just going to a baby shower wasn't hard enough.

I walk in, gift in hand and she puts her hand on my belly and asks if anything is happening yet? Seriously, this is a lady who could not have children of her own and moved on to adopting 2 great kids. I have no idea how she could say that me but it actually happened. It was like a slow motion car wreck....one that I ran from as quickly as possible. I know she meant well.....somehow. I was very proud of myself that I didn't cry in front of 80 people. When I went to my table and told my mom and sister, their mouths dropped open. Stunning, it was stunning.

Deep down, I knew there was the potential of such an incident. Probably b/c of the time I brought a new boyfriend to a picnic and she asked me if he was "the one". I think I had dated him a few months. So, it's not totally surprising, yet, still...unfreakinbelievable.

Guess I'll have to add that to my list of things not to say to someone doing IVF....but wasn't this one a given?

Sigh....well......

.....it doesn't get much better, at least in my opinion. I had my 2nd checkup on Friday. I saw about 5 growing follicles in the right ovary. These seemed to be growing very unevenly though. On the left, well, I don't know what the hell is happening on the left. I really couldn't see. I couldn't clearly count any it was just a lot of fuzzy blobs. This is definitely different the my previous 2 cycles.

So Friday I focused on planning the decor of my bathroom. Then right before D came home, my mom called to ask how my appt went. As I told her, it just all came up and I suddenly couldn't push down the fact that this cycle sucks any longer. So, I did what any normal girl in the midst of a sucky IVF cycle would do. I downed a bottle of wine with my hubby and drunk dialed the drs office! OK, maybe I wasn't that drunk, but just enough buzz for me to let out all the feelings and worries about this cycle. I had already told the nurse I was upset at my appt, so this time I asked a dr to call me.

I was so worried that no one would call me back on Saturday and I'd have to wait all weekend. But, the new dr. (the one who I call "Mr. No Pain Biopsy to whom I might be related"....he has a family last name...long story) called and was very understanding of all my concerns. I told him how Dr. B said that my fertility wasn't going to fall off a cliff that it's a gradual decline, but in 6 months since my last fresh cycle, this feels like falling off a cliff.

Basically, he said my estrogen levels were good...and that it is still too early to tell. I could cancel the cycle if I want, but if I waited until my appt on Monday, I might have a better idea what is really happening in there. So, he promised to be there for my appt and help me decide.

Can it really be all over for me? I mean, we still have other options, but none of them include D and I have a child that is both of ours. Is it just hugely narcissistic to want that? It's just so hard to come to grips with it since I've wanted a child since I was in my early 20s. I was torn apart at the fact that my first husband was sooooo not ready to have a child. And after 9 years I had to realize that he was not a good person to have children with...not for me at least. I dealt with that for so long and then being single for so long it becomes a kind of chicken before the egg kind of thing and you refocus your priorities to just having a nice person to date or finding some great friends.

Then, I FINALLY meet a wonderful guy who is not only so much fun and affectionate and mature, but really wants kids too. Now this. I know, it's not like we can't have kids at all but I really wanted to see how the mix of extreme niceness and sarcasm would turn out, ya know? Would the baby speak in a british accent or in a southern one? Inquiring minds want to know!!!!

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. We're going in tomorrow to figure out what to do. The journey is definitely at a crossroads. This whole struggle has definitely taught me to get used to things being out of my control. It's taught me that all the things I never wanted to do or was scared to death to do, not only can I do, but I can handle and sometimes I even frickin' volunteer for. I actually said to the doctor "I could do IVF a million times if I had to, but our bank account can't"...and it's true. I've put my life in total limbo. I can't book a wedding b/c it's too far out to know if I'll be pregnant. I'm dedicating my whole life to this right now. D and I are dedicating (or have decidated) all our savings to it. Now we may have to realize that we can't make it happen the way we thought....we may have to regroup. I'm sure we'll figure it out, b/c in the end all we really want is to be a family.

It's a great day to go to a baby shower no? For someone who got married a year after we did. Time for my game face. sigh

CoCulture Smulture

D and I are back from a fantastic week of wine and friends in the Finger Lakes. We had such a great time. The view (and the wine) were totally relaxing. Yesterday was my second day home and also my scheduled co-culture biopsy. I've been pretty nervous about it ever since I read that a 1-2" area would be taken. I remember the tiny sample that was taken during my hysteroscopy and that was not fun.

I'm not sure if it was the new doctor or the percocet, valium and ibuprofen in my system, but it truly wasn't bad at all. I'm so so glad that I opted for this rather than the D&C idea. I KNEW that would be painful. Not to mention, I've read lots of research papers about the increase in embryo quality from co-culturing....some of which were written by my doctor.

So....sigh.....easy peasy lemon squeezy....for once!

There's no sex in IVF

The #3 in the top 3 things not to say to someone doing IVF. Let's review: 1) Just relax and take a vacation 2) Try not to think about it and yes, you guessed it.... 3) At least you get to have fun trying.

Yeah, well, there is no fun "trying" in IVF. Most of the time, you have so many extreme symptoms and discomfort that bodily contact is strictly out of the question (if you know what's good for you!). The rest of the time, you have to use condoms and try NOT to get pregnant or take antibiotics to kill any bacteria or germs. I always knew boys had cooties but this is a bit over the top. And, since the IVF suppression cycle requires you to take birth control pills (BCPs) for a few weeks, this causes you to start spotting on and off the entire time.

So there's a small time frame when you're finished your last cycle (after a week of cramps from hell) and not fully into the next where you can be normal for a just a second. It's that point where your ovaries are no longer the size of tennis balls and your boobs feel normal again. You maybe, just maybe would consider letting someone touch them.

So I'm in "the window" RIGHT NOW, and then the nurse tells me to go to the store and buy Monistat vaginal yeast infection cream and use it for 3 days. really????????????????? ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! seriously???????????? I think it has something to do with the coculture but damn, can't they just give me a pill?

The fertility gods laugh and laugh.........bastards!

So, there is definitely no sex in the champagne room for us right now. sigh

the fun continues

All lowercase......nuf said

I'm in NC this week. My brother and his family rented a house here and he asked me too. It's so nice to get away, but it's also hard to get away with the limbo of IVF. I've been on the phone with my drs office countless times trying to coordinate what we should do for our next cycle. One person tells me it's not a problem, the next says "well you're not in town so I'm not sure this is going to work out". Frick people! I need to have a life! I can't just sit at home and wait to NOT be pregnant!

So, here I am. I spoke with the dr on Tuesday. There was a suggestion a few months ago about a new "idea" that doing a D&C could "reboot" your system and make your IVF more successful. Well, I've not been able to find anything out there (aka on the internet) indicating this is true. I've actually found lots of notes saying that the opposite might be true and the risks involved in doing a D&C. Honestly though, it's more of an emotional decision to do that procedure for me. It's not something I ever wanted to do once, but had to....much less CHOOSE to do!

After talking it over with my doctor, he didn't have any concrete evidence that this would help me....so we nixed the idea. I suggested another course of action (yeah I know, shouldn't the doctor be doing that?) and he was all for it. I suggested a doing a fresh cycle, letting all the embryos get to blastocyst stage (120 cells) and doing a co-culture biopsy. OK, in non-ivfer terms here is what that means. Instead of waiting 3 days and seeing if the embryos get to 6 or 8 cells, you wait 5-6 days and see how many make it to blastocysts. Blastocysts are much more likely to implant...but at my age, it's a risk. The other risk is that embryos do much better in the womb than they do in a petri dish. That's where the co-cultured biopsy comes in. In the cycle before my ivf cycle (which is what I'm working on now) they will do a biopsy and take some of my lining. They will freeze this, then put it in with my embryos next cycle to help them grow.

Studies have shown this to be very helpful, but it is still considered experimental. Still, it's much less experimental than a pointless D&C.

So, that's the plan. We're taking a chance that none will make it to blastocyst...but both D and I feel like we need to change it up. What we've been doing feels too much like a shot in the dark and we need to increase the odds. Cross your fingers! Away we go....again!

Onward!

The pregnancy test was negative as expected. A little part of me was still hoping, but I got most of my "sad" out on Saturday so I'm ok. I bought some REALLY good wine that I will be consoling myself with tonight.

One thing I like about my RE's office is that they don't have the doctors call with the positives and the nurses call with the negatives. It's been 50/50 so far. This time, I did get to speak to the doctor directly so that was good.

He still thinks we have an excellent shot at our own baby. And, that there are no other factors involved except for my age. After talking it over with D, we decided to do one more fresh cycle. If that doesn't work, we'll do more FET's to use up all our frozen embryos. The good thing about frozen embryos is that they are in limbo at the age they were when they were fertilized. I could put them in tomorrow or in 5years and the result would be the same. With a fresh cycle, success rates drop drastically the more past 40 you are. I have a very finite amount of time I can attempt a fresh cycle....so if I'm going to do it, now is the time.

The other thing we considered is that we already have all the meds for a fresh cycle. It was very nice having 8 weeks notice that I was going to be out of a job, so I took full advantage and ordered as many fertility meds as possible. I thought I'd also have enough for another frozen round, but due to my cyst, I used Lupron for 5 weeks instead of 2.

The big $$ prescription is the one for the fresh cycle. One Gonal-F pen costs between $700-$900. I need 7 for each IVF cycle. You do the math!

So, here we go again.....I don't really like the rollercoaster ride, but I'm not ready to get off.

Freakin' Out!

This is definitely the "freakin' out" phase! I'm now at what would be considered Day 11. That's 11 days past ovulation even though the embryos were thawed and put back in on Day 3. If it's happened, it's happened. The embryo(s) would have hatched by now and implanted. They have started releasing HCG, which is what pregnancy tests detect, but the levels are still probably too low to be read on a home pregnancy test.

For some reason, my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office has schedule my BETA (blood pregnancy test) for 17 days past ovulation. I'm starting to think they are trying to drive me over the edge. Paranoid? Me???? Highly possible!

This is also the "IT'S IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT" phase! I have daily injections with a giant needle, I can't drink alcohol, can't take baths (and I LOVE baths), not to mention the intermittent soreness and twinges in my lower abdomen.

I was joking around with D last night about the madness of it all and let out a Young Frankenstein-type yell. An "I'm going MAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!" type of yell. It was a lot louder and longer than I originally intended....it took on a life of it's own.

Let's just hope other things are taking on a life of their own as we speak. I'm not naming any names.....but you know who you are!

OK OK!

Yes progesterone, I acknowledge your power to f' with my head in these two weeks. Soreness on the right, then soreness on the left...yeah yeah I get it! Why you gotta be like that? You're like the patron unsaint of infertile women. You're like the mean fairy in Scrooged. And I just need to say...nobody likes you. booooo

Oh, apparently even though I ate the house....I lost 4 lbs. Crazy! I'm thinking that Lupron was also doing it's evil work on me. I'm so glad to be off the stuff!!!!!

Uh oh! I ate the house!

I'm in here writing this while my wonderful husband is outside weedwacking. I should feel guilty for not helping right? I'm working on that part. I did do some dusting and straightening so I'm not a total 2WW slacker.

I don't know if it's just nerves or the residual side effects of the prednisone I had to take for 5 days, but I can't stop eating. It's like I'm jonesing for food but I know I'm not hungry. I was trying so hard to control my weight before the transfer, now I feel like I'm going to gain 10 lbs just in these 2 weeks. I hope it subsides soon or I will BE the size of the house in addition to EATING everything in the house!

It's official! The crazy two week wait (2WW) symptoms have started. I've had this soreness in my lower right side for a couple of days. When I had my transfer, I was sore on my left side from the procedure itself, so I know it's not that. This is just a random "hey, don't think you can forget about this for one second" kind of pain. I've had some trouble sleeping because of it, but I'm trying not to take any tylenol if I don't have to. OK, two week wait, I know how you are. Bring on the twinges and the pulling and whatever you got....I'm ready!

I cracked!

I couldn't stay still a minute longer!!! On Friday, my niece and I took a road trip to New Hope PA for the day. We had lunch on a garden patio, ate chocolate covered strawberries and looked in the shops. For those who don't know me, I'm a photographer.....and I just heard about this photo contest. So, I enlisted my niece as my model and we came up with some amazing ideas. Then, we went and bought some outfits (what's a photo shoot without outfits right?) and props at the dollar store and proceeded to do our photo shoot. OK, so I probably exerted myself a little more than I should have, but I had a great time! The REALLY cool thing is M, my niece. She said that "it was the most fun she's had all summer". How awesome is she? And, if I'm lucky, maybe I'll find out I'm pregnant AND win $1000 bucks!

I've had some major creative urges this week. I'm setting up a new photography website, entering contests and planning some future photo shoots. Something has just turned on inside me. Maybe I've finally kicked my old job out of my system and it's opened up those creative pathways again. Stress can be a block to so many things....and that job was blocking a lot of happiness in my life for a long time. It took a whole month of doing nothing to shake it!

On another front, I really do need to do some cleaning today.....I can see dust on everything....and we are almost out of clothes. I'm going to be sure not to do too much though. I made D carry the laundry basket to the back room for me since I'm not supposed to lift over 20 lbs. It all seems a bit wacky since there are tons of women who lift toddlers or work for UPS when they don't know they are pregnant, but with all I've been through, I'm not taking any chances.

Lounging is hard!

Putting your feet up is hard work! I've been doing it for about 5 hours now and I'm bored to death. It's especially difficult when you aren't sick and/or tired. It's such a nice day outside too!

The transfer itself went well this morning. It was a little uncomfortable but not too bad. Valium is my friend. They had a shiny new piece of equipment too. It was a flat screen tv that showed a close up pic of our embryos getting sucked into the catheter before they put them in. very cool! Our embryos thawed out well and we only lost 1 to get to our total of 5. This leaves us with 8 embryos still on ice for future use.

So now we wait....and wait...and wait. Cross your fingers and your toes, sacrifice lambs, pray to your gods....whatever may help is appreciated!!!

Yaaaaawn!

Is it wrong to take a nap 3 hours after you wake up in the morning? Either I'm not
sleeping well or these damn fertility drugs are zapping the life right out of me. I ain't got that thing, and I ain't got that zing.

Last night was the last lupron shot. Yay!!! Now we move on to Progesterone-in-oil, featuring such side effects as: fatigue, nausea, dizziness, worsening of asthma symptoms....uh oh....this may not be an improvement. PIO is also "interesting" in that it makes you have the same symptoms as pregnancy. And by "interesting" I mean "torturous" and "evil". Nothing like waiting for the pregnancy test for two weeks while experiencing every normal pregnancy symptom to make a girl go mad.

Yet, it all brings us closer to the possibility of a positive outcome. Someday, I'd love to move on to whining about actual pregnancy symptoms!!!!!