A pile of mush - TMI

I knew this week would be tough. The 2nd week of the Two Week Wait is always the hardest. Also, I had 2 days of training going on at work on Monday and Tuesday. This is a bit TMI but I think most of me is out there already so....

On Sunday night before I had went to bed I noticed a tiny bit of spotting. I was a little excited since light spotting can be a sign of implantation. Then on Monday, I had all day training, and saw a few more spots during the day. Then right before I went to leave for the day it increased. A little spotting ok......increasing spotting and cramping...not good. I kind of freaked out. Holding it together Linda has left the building. It was still going on in the morning so I called the drs office. I did not hear back from the nurses until the afternoon. Basically, they said don't give up hope.....and that it is possible to still get a positive and that the symptoms I'm having aren't abnormal. Seriously? Well....I guess that's good news, but not really good for my sanity. So, after the entire work day of feeling crampy, at around 4pm I started to feel differently.....like I'm getting a cold. Also, I started to feel really nauseous. I ate lunch and drank water so I don't know what it's all about. I'm convinced there's something out there and it's totally fucking with my head. If I ever do get to be a mom, I'm not going to be able to hold my baby because I'll be in a straight-jacket!

Anyway, I'm don't know what to think at this point....but I'm trying to hold off on my breakdown for a few more days.

Pushing it Down!

When I first had the miscarriage around this time last year, I was devastated. But, my main goal was to look forward and try to get pregnant again as soon as possible....like somehow that would erase it. Then, that didn't happen like we had hoped. So now, we've been doing this fertility treatment thing for 7 months now. It's strange how it's starting to feel like normal. The shots....the meds, the appts, the bloating...the rollercoaster ride of hormones are just another part of my day. I do feel like I'm in limbo and that I'm pretty boring lately. There's lots that I can't do and I always have to think about what I eat and drink and not to do anything to strenuous etc. The thing I try not to think about is being pregnant. I try not to indulge that part of me that was so excited in those few weeks before my miscarriage. I try to hold it together and not think about what happens if I never can get pregnant. I talk about it openly mostly and sometimes I think b/c I'm not crying or upset some people don't realize what a difficult place we are in right now.

I figured being emotional or being depressed is not going to help the situation....and having too much hope is going to set me up for a fall. So, I push it down and push it down.....

Today, I was surprised when it just bubbled up out of nowhere. I'm in the 2 week wait...waiting to be able to take "the test". The hormones are done, there are no more drs appts, just waiting. I was waiting to meet K-ita for lunch and just started looking through the camera pics on my phone. There were pics of flowers that D had sent me at work....pics of my new haircuts that I send to my friends the day of....pics of the TBs at a Bob Schneider concert and then there it was.... the picture of my positive pregnancy test last April. Ouch! I wasn't expecting that. I remembered how excited we were that day and how we couldn't believe we got pregnant so quickly. OK push it down woman!

So then I had a great lunch with K-ita and we were saying goodbye in the parking lot. She hugged me and said goodbye to me, then she looked at my belly and said goodbye to my embryos. She's so awesome. And for a second, I felt that feeling again. I think people call it hope....or maybe excitement...or just a big mushy mess of who knows what. I'm not even sure anymore it's been so long. Frick! It's hard to push that back down again.

The Stabber!

That's what I'm going to call D now, but I mean it in a totally affectionate way. (and not a dirty way you people....ew) He's really done an awesome job giving my PIO shots each night. I haven't felt a one! It's not even sore the next day. After he gave me my shot last night, he gave me a kiss and said I was a trooper. awwwww (and ya know what? If you saw that needle you'd think I was a trooper too!...but he's a trooper too for being able to do that. There's no way I could stab myself with a needle that size!) As D would say in a really bad italian accent ("That's a big-a nee-dul!")

Maybe he should have pursued a career in medicine.....or some other painless stabbing career path?? In any case, I'm grateful to be able to sit all day in comfort! Thanks Dan-yo!

Acu-snafu

So it's my first day back at work. I had a crazy ride into work where I was trying to go in a straight line and others were bobbing and weaving all around me. I really felt it after not being stressed all weekend. sigh

I said to D this morning that my left hand felt sore where I had the acupuncture needle. I've noticed it all day and now at 2:30 I realize that part of my hand is now blue and swollen. Not cool! I called Dr. Z and he said the baby aspirin I'm taking is probably causing a slow bleed under my skin. So now, I'm icing it.
Fabulous!

I'm a little crampy today but nothing major. I think I'm just cranky more than anything. I'm frustrated having to be at my job again since I really really really don't like it. Of course, the paycheck is nice to have so I gotta be here. sigh

We had our egg transfer this morning! We transferred 1 8c, 2 7c and 1 6c. Everything went really smoothly. I highly recommend the valium before the transfer...very relaxing! I did the acupuncture beforehand and Dr. Z put needles in my head, ears, feet, calves and belly. For the acu after, the needles were in my things and my hands and of course my ears...which hurt the most going in. Still, I was so relaxed the my hand kept falling off my belly as I zoned out.

If I can figure it out, I'll add the photo of our embryos on here too.

Now, just cross your fingers....and your toes!

It's a slow burn.

We received our fertilization update for the day. One embryo peetered out and never divided. So we have 15 left. We have one 4 cell, 3-3 cells and the rest are 2 cells. It seems that our embryos are on the slow burn. Optimally, we'd like as many as possible to be 4 cells at this stage since that would mean they would be very likely to be 8 cells by tomorrow. So, although I had a response in quantity that is not typical for a 40 year old chica, the quality issue is still there. Of course, people get pregnant every day from embryos that are not 8 cells on day 3, it's just one indicator of quality. Still, I wish I had the comfort of more potential 8 cells. It's not bad news for sure, but not great.

In other news, last night Dan gave me my first PIO shot. That is one frakking big needle I tell you what. We were hanging out at B&G's house last night and didn't realize how late it was. It was 11pm by the time we got home. So, we had to put on the lidocaine and leave it there for at least a 1/2 hour while I also warmed the PIO vial in my bra. (great tips I learned from someone in my support group) Then I laid on the bed and when Dan was ready I started coughing. This keeps you from flexing your muscles. (tip #3) It all went pretty well. I only felt the needle slightly on the way in. Luckily, I'm not even sore today. That could change the more I have to do of course...but so far so good.

The lil' swimmers did their work!

And the magic number is 16! So out of 20 eggs retrieved, 16 have fertilized! Yippee!!! That's an even better report than last time. Of course, it's not the quantity but the quality. We'll have to wait a few more days and see how they do.

The pain is a little less today. I was able to sleep through the night without pain meds....I just had to lay on my one side. I'm going to try just taking regular tylenol today and see how it goes. Eddy has been planted on the couch at the end of my blanket the whole time now. She starts snoring very loudly here and there. She so concerned.

I do have one worry looming for the day and it's the Progesterone in Oil shot. I decided to go with the PIO shot this time since the Endometrin suppositories were just 1) gross and 2) had even more grosser (oh yes, more grosser IS correct in this instance) side effects. So, that means a 1 1/2" needle in my butt each day. Since the follicles are removed by the egg retrieval procedure they don't produce progesterone like a normal cycle. Progesterone keeps your period from coming and maintains the pregnancy. If I do get pregnant, I'll have to continue the shots for 10 weeks until the placenta kicks in. D is very excited to finally get to stab me (this is the closest he can get to actual stabbing). I'm picturing him yelling out something like "THE DAY IS MINE" right before stabbing me. (helps!)

One of the girls in my support group sent me a full page of instructions on how she takes the shots. Her more important trick - lidocaining your butt so you don't feel it. You know I'm all about the lidocaine!!!

The Big Suck!

Did I forget how much it hurt last time or is this time a little worse? I had a little trouble with the IV this time, so they had to do it twice. This time the RE's office called in some tylenol with codeine for me b/c I had lots of pain in my right side. Maybe that's because they retrieved TWENTY!!!!! eggs this time. That's right, count 'em TWENTY! Now they just have to grow into good little girls and boys. We'll find out how many fertilized tomorrow.

Hopefully the discomfort won't last too long. That was the hardest part so I'm glad to be passed it.

Yeah yeah, I'm having a good response!

Blah Blah Blah! It's true...I really am having a great response this time. I can't even tell you how many follicles I have in each ovary. They are jam-packed. Another good thing is that there are a lot all around the same size. This means they will all mature at once which is a very good thing. Still, I know the nurses and doctors are just trying to be optimistic by saying "You're having a great response" all the time, but I'm more like "save for the positive pregnancy test people....now THAT'S a good response". I'm so jaded. :P

I feel like I ate a balloon today. Pants that were loose last week are no longer. I have this giantness in my abdomen. This morning was my last day of stims. Tonight I take the HCG Trigger shot at exactly 10:15pm to help me ovulate (in 36 hours) and Friday is my egg retrieval (at 35 hours). My boobs hurt, I guess that's from the low-dose hcg I've been taking. HCG is the hormone that indicates your are pregnant....it also helps with egg quality so I take a small dose each day.

Well, I guess that it's for now, there's not much else to report. Now we just wait for the egg sucking day!

Wow!

I'm going to have to read through the posts from my last cycle to see if I was this wiped out. Ever since I started the Gonal-F and HCG on top of the Lupron, I've been exhausted. I had to get up early for my bloodwork and ultrasound, so I was not feeling well at work at all. So.....emergency measures needed to be taken! Luckily, I work near Valley Forge Park and today is a nice sunny day. So, I drove to the park, put on my relaxation music and took a car nap. I was out for about 45 minutes. I feel SO MUCH BETTER now. It's funny in the summer when I go to the park, there's one spot where 4 or 5 cars are just lined up and everyone is napping. It's the best.

My ultrasound was good. I had been worried about the Lupron over-supressing my ovaries, but so far so good. I have 6 or 7 follicles growing on each side. There were some small slackers beyond that, but they will probably peter out.

Updatedness

Ok, so I said I wouldn't update....but most of my friends know by now that the first IVF didn't work. We met with our RE and they said there was no indication of any problem. Everything was fine. It's a 1 in 3 chance and this time, we weren't the one. Bummer! It's a little harder to takesince it WAS the month for 3 other couples in our support group. sigh One couple just got pregnant on their own before treatment started...bastards! But....hopefully April will be our turn.

I figured, I could let myself be sad about this or I could just go on. I'm trying hard to view this as a roll of the dice....but one with a lot of injections and procedures involved. I'm pulling up my big girl pants and doing what I need to do, ya know? Wow, it sucks being an adult sometimes.

So.....right after we heard the news, even before our follow-up appt, I called the dr to see if we can go on to round 2 right away. I went on BCPs immediately, then did 2 weeks of BCPs plus a Lupron shot to suppress my ovaries. Yesterday, I just started Gonal-F to get those eggies growing again. (I'm in the 3 shots a day phase now...fun fun fun) We're hoping that this change to a Lupron protocol will help with the egg quality (although we'll probably get less eggs this time).

Lupron is a scary drug. It's rumored to have lots of side effects...as our nurse said....ones that end in "...I.T.C.H." hee Today was the first day I'm really feeling bad.....hopefully it won't last...for D's sake....and my coworkers.

So, here we are, going to round 2. We're paying totally out of pocket this time. It makes it a little more painful.....but hopefully it will be worth it.