OK OK!

Yes progesterone, I acknowledge your power to f' with my head in these two weeks. Soreness on the right, then soreness on the left...yeah yeah I get it! Why you gotta be like that? You're like the patron unsaint of infertile women. You're like the mean fairy in Scrooged. And I just need to say...nobody likes you. booooo

Oh, apparently even though I ate the house....I lost 4 lbs. Crazy! I'm thinking that Lupron was also doing it's evil work on me. I'm so glad to be off the stuff!!!!!

Yaaaaawn!

Is it wrong to take a nap 3 hours after you wake up in the morning? Either I'm not
sleeping well or these damn fertility drugs are zapping the life right out of me. I ain't got that thing, and I ain't got that zing.

Last night was the last lupron shot. Yay!!! Now we move on to Progesterone-in-oil, featuring such side effects as: fatigue, nausea, dizziness, worsening of asthma symptoms....uh oh....this may not be an improvement. PIO is also "interesting" in that it makes you have the same symptoms as pregnancy. And by "interesting" I mean "torturous" and "evil". Nothing like waiting for the pregnancy test for two weeks while experiencing every normal pregnancy symptom to make a girl go mad.

Yet, it all brings us closer to the possibility of a positive outcome. Someday, I'd love to move on to whining about actual pregnancy symptoms!!!!!

The Sane Times

This cycle really doesn't have a whole lot going on. It's a lot of the same....BCP's for weeks, Lupron for weeks, add Estradiol for weeks, then PIO for weeks. It's the side effects that have made it(me) feel out of this world. So, when I was at the grocery store the other day, I picked up some sunflowers for my husband. I figured I should use my sane time to be extra nice so he can remember them through the craziness. Of course, it's not like it's my fault...as the IVF nurses are always saying. At the same time, a couple of months is a long, long time to live on the edge of reason....or to live WITH someone on the edge of reason.

One major IVF factor that's been on my mind is my weight. I have gained about 13 lbs since the miscarriage in May 2008....and that's on top of the post-honeymoon weight gain. I have these small windows of 2 weeks at a time where I can try to lose weight...and it never seems to be enough to make a real difference. Maybe it's the Lupron or the estrogen, but I get ravenously hungry sometimes and can never seem to make a dent. I know that even a small weight loss could make a big difference, so why can't I do it? It's so frustrating.

Estradiol starts....

While I wanted some change, I was hoping for less needles than more. In truth, I knew the next step was more, many more, larger needles in addition to the Lupron. When we had our checkup & ultrasound on Monday, the nurse told us that Estrogen is the "feel good" hormone. It makes women feel wonderful apparently. I only have to do the estrogen shots twice a week, Monday and Thursday. So far, I'm not feeling much better. I still feel the Lupron effects and I wouldn't really describe myself as feeling great right now. I did sleep a little better last night, but I'm not sure if that was just pure exhaustion or the estrogen. I'm still holding out hope for some good vibrations to come my way.

One thing I haven't missed since the last cycle are these intramuscular shots. Even with the lidocaine (EMLA cream), I can still feel them. This stuff is even thicker than the progesterone in oil so it takes a while to go in. I can barely get it into the syringe after warming it for a 1/2 hour. And, I'm trying not to think about the fact that I will start the PIO shots DAILY as of 7/18. Uh oh...too late!

The most difficult part of a cycle is the uncertainty. If I knew I would definitely get pregnant, I doubt any of this would matter. But, the fact that all of this could be completely pointless is the most challenging aspect of all.

Today I had a great day out with a friend. On one of our stops I indulged and bought an adorable) maternity top. I also looked at "faux" wedding rings (in case I get pregnant and can't fit into my ring). This could either be viewed as "a positive outlook" or make me feel like a total sucker if this cycle is a bust. It's a tough balance of fertility sanity. In general, I tend to err on the dark side, but when it comes to getting pregnant, the optimism sometimes wins out.

Don't tell, but I have a credenza in my living room that has three compartments and one of those is totally filled with baby items. I have a portion of my stand-up wardrobe that is all maternity clothes. And, at the beginning of every cycle I calculate my possible due date of my possible baby. So, although the realistic side tries hard to protect me, the "I would be over the moon" excited side sometimes wins out. Yeah, that's right, I'm a sucker, now you know.

The Stabber!

That's what I'm going to call D now, but I mean it in a totally affectionate way. (and not a dirty way you people....ew) He's really done an awesome job giving my PIO shots each night. I haven't felt a one! It's not even sore the next day. After he gave me my shot last night, he gave me a kiss and said I was a trooper. awwwww (and ya know what? If you saw that needle you'd think I was a trooper too!...but he's a trooper too for being able to do that. There's no way I could stab myself with a needle that size!) As D would say in a really bad italian accent ("That's a big-a nee-dul!")

Maybe he should have pursued a career in medicine.....or some other painless stabbing career path?? In any case, I'm grateful to be able to sit all day in comfort! Thanks Dan-yo!