My mom was widowed about 3 years ago and just recently started on-line dating. She said she wasn't sure she could take on-line dating because she didn't know if she could handle rejection or if anyone wasn't nice to her. I said that if she felt that way she shouldn't do it and that on-line dating definitely requires you to have an emotional suit of armor. The same is true of going through IVF.
People say things, really unbelievable things, to you. Sometimes they know what you are going through and sometimes they don't. I go to a support group at my fertility clinic. Some of the famous one-liners that we hear all the time from friends and relatives are: "you should just relax and take a vacation." and "well, at least you get to "try" a lot". Of course neither of these has anything to do with the situation or with IVF. This long process has taught me that I do better if I don't expect people to say the right thing....because it's most likely that they won't.
I went to a baby shower for my cousin. I pulled into my spot in the parking lot and I didn't want to get out of the car. It was definitely not an easy event to attend but I wanted to be strong and get through it. I didn't want to be one of those people who can't look at a baby or wasn't happy for other people who are able to get pregnant. There were 80 people there. It was huge. I walked up to the front, someone took my gift, my aunt hugged me, put her hand on my belly and said "anything yet?". My mouth dropped open. I practically ran to the table where my mom and sister were sitting. I didn't cry or break down. I just thought, well, the worst thing that could happen just did and that's over with. Unfreakin' believable.....but over with. I told them the story and grabbed some champagne punch.
Here's the thing. My aunt loves me...and I know how much she wants this for me. It was just, well, really, really wrong. It wasn't meant to hurt me, but well, I'm still not sure how she (who moved on to adoption due to her own fertility issues) could say that but it's ok. I went into that shower with my suit of armor on and I got through it. I may have even upgraded the armor after that day.
My husband and I went to a baptism recently for the latest addition to his side of the family. We were sitting at the table with his Mom and Dad and some other people. A childhood family friend of his Dad's came over and was telling us about his family. He had 3 sons and 3 grandchildren. He was telling us all about them. Then, he says to my in-laws "Do you have any grandchildren?" They say no and he says "Oh, I thought I was doing bad with three!" Um, dude, we're sitting RIGHT HERE and you have no idea what our situation is. Seriously? I felt bad that my in-laws had to feel the sting of that comment since that's not something they usually have to deal with. My husband and I though, had a big laugh about it in the car. WHAT A JERK! We made it our (really asshole) quote of the day!
I can't say I always have my armor on. It's at these times, when you're with people you feel really should understand or you're in a vulnerable situation that it's really difficult to handle unexpected comments.
I was in the hospital for a D&E because there was no heartbeat on the 8 week ultrasound of my 2nd pregnancy. They wheel me into the operating room. All I was trying to do was keep things light and talk about anything but what was happening. Most of the staff understands this and they definitely don't want you to get agitated or upset. One nurse, starts asking me questions...as they are tying my arms to the table. "Do I have any children?" (internal: No Bitch! I don't have any children and I just had a miscarriage so really shut the hell up") Then it comes up that I did IVF and she just starts asking me about that. Apparently she was just starting her first IVF cycle. I'm tied to a table, scared about the surgery and totally dumbfounded at the insensitivity of this person. I just answer her questions ...barely able to get the answers out, but I don't even have the will to tell her off. I'm just shocked.....and really glad when they put me out with the anesthesia. All I can think is that she was so wrapped up in what was going on with her that she didn't have any idea what she was saying.
Any of these comments could cause a person in my position to ball my eyes out or get really pissed off. They really could. In the beginning they did. Dealing with fertility issues is like having an open wound sometimes. It's been one of the most challenging things I've had to deal with in my entire life. But it's also been a journey. It's made my marriage stronger and it's made me realize that I can't control everything. IVF can make or break you and your marriage. So if you're thinking of doing IVF......
Suit up! Prepare for the battle!....and share your quote of the day!
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