Diary of the Wannabe Disengaged

I love my husband. I'm very lucky to have him in my life. We've been through so much with all these treatments and he's been so supportive. But right now, I'm annoyed. I've been on the couch for 3 days with a headache to end all headaches. I go to sleep with it and I wake up with it and I'm just not much fun. He didn't even call me today to see how I was feeling. I called him at 4pm and he said he has to call me back in a 1/2 hour. Um yeah. Well, that didn't make me feel any better. Actually nothing he is doing is making me feel any better. He's barely doing his chores much less helping me with mine right now. He hasn't once said, I want to make you dinner tonight....or helped me so that I don't have to do all the planning for once. He seems to have checked out of this IVF cycle. The other night I was sleeping on the couch. He woke me up and told me it was time for bed, but didn't remind me that I needed my lupron shot. That could have been a huge problem. Luckily, I remembered just before we turned out the lights and got out of bed to do it. It feels more like MY IVF cycle not OUR IVF cycle.

I don't blame him really. I wish I could check out too. But, I have to remember the shot and the pills and the appointments. The last thing I want to do is to go through this again or feel like this again but it's the only way for us to have a baby. If only the man could do a couple of cycles and the woman could do a couple of cycles. It would seem more fair.

I've been very lonely the past few days. I'm here alone with my symptoms like this crazy headache and my crazy thoughts. I go to the IVF appointments by myself now because he doesn't work down the street from the doctor's office anymore and he has to leave really early for work. I work from home, so I'm here all day trying to break through the medication fog that has me feeling like crap.

It's not just him, I think everyone is done with our IVF. My friends try so hard to relate and be supportive but it's a huge conversation downer. After 7 IVFs, it's pretty much the same story again and again.

I went and had my hair cut today. I was feeling so blah that I thought I could use a change. I went in there wanting purple highlights, but they didn't have the color to do it. I also found out I'd have to refresh it every 2 weeks b/c it would fade. Once I told her about the IVF she said how sad I looked when I couldn't get the purple....and she understood. Turns out the hairdresser is going through IUI and is having her procedure in a couple of days. It was nice to talk to someone who could relate. She's 30 and has had 4 miscarriages this year. Strangely that comforted me. There was actually someone else out there who is working and living every day dealing with all of this. I needed some purple to get me out of my funk. Oh well, I like my hair though...and I'm just going to have to ride the wave of funk and hope (I hate that word "hope") this all works out.