I thought I'd seen and been through it all!

Before I get started, I'd like to thank all my family and friends who have written me or told me that they've been keeping up with my blog. Thanks so much for all of your support and for being there for me all along this journey. Please don't ask me in person if I'm pregnant. If it happens, we'll need to get passed some hurdles to feel like it's the real deal.

For all of you who don't know me and are following my journey because you are in a similar situation, I hope in some way it's of some comfort to you.

So......when you're on your eighth IVF, you sometimes think you've seen it all. Yeah, yeah, I take my meds....yeah, yeah I take my shots.....poking, prodding, prodding, poking. I find it amazing that I had never been to a male OB/GYN before this whole process (cough cough debacle/nightmare) and now I not only have male doctors, but a whole cast of people in the room with me. That doesn't even count the other "lab" people on the other side of the "takeout window".

IVF has also changed my perspective. There are moments when I feel it's all really out of control, which it is. And there are moments when I feel I've learned how to be OK with that. I think about myself three years ago. The person that got pregnant the very first month we tried. She was giddy and although she wasn't naive to the fact there were some risks because of age, thought she would overcome all of that. With all she had been through to find the right person and be in the place she was, there was no way the universe wouldn't do right by her. Turns out it was genetics and age not the universe who had a say. That person seems so far away from the person that I am now. When our last IVF failed miserably before the transfer even happened, I thought there was no way to recapture the excitement, the hope, or the joy usually associated with the pregnancy process.

Well, I'm hear to tell you that it can happen. Yes, it's true that I don't have any clue if I'm pregnant or not at this point. It's also true that I will once again be devastated if this cycle turns out negative. It's even possible that this could be the last chance for us for good. At the same time, I'm extremely excited, extremely hopeful and even happy.

I learned that a horrible situation can be easily put into the past when there's a good memory to put in it's place. I'm hoping that if this IVF cycle turns into a pregnancy, that all of this IVF journey will become a distant memory. How wonderful that would be at this point.

SO HERE'S THE UPDATE.....

To borrow from Ferris Bueller a bit. "This ones for Linda, who didn't think she'd see anything good again."

As you know, we've had an amazing response with these 10 embryos. The response was so great, that out of the 10, we had 2 blastocysts to transfer and 3 to freeze. This is such a total 180 from the last cycle we had. I mean, it's the BEST cycle we've ever had....it's unbelievable!!!!

The day of the transfer, we know the drill. I drink water....we should up at our transfer time. I get ready in the room (the takeout window room). The doctor hands us our cool embryo photo. It usually has a brownish tint to it. I think it makes it easier to see the embryos. BUT THIS TIME it's tinted PURPLE. OK, did I mention that I'm wearing a purple flannel shirt and my Dr. Seussish purple/aqua socks and that I LOVE purple? Um yeah. It's totally a sign right?

We're at my favorite part of the procedure. There's a monitor to my right. Suddenly it turns on and there's a close-up shot of our petri dish. We know it's "OUR" dish because it says our last name on the side. (Good to know those are your babies you're putting back!) Then, they zoom in on the 2 blasts. She only leaves it on for just a second. I gasped and pointed at the screen...then it was gone. OK! NOW THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING! I've never seen that before, but I knew exactly what it was. One of the blasts looked like a normal blast. The other, was smaller with a little halo effect around it and you can see that part of it was coming out one side. THIS BLAST WAS STARTING TO HATCH!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! If you think it's a good sign getting to blastocyst stage, seeing that just sent me over the moon! Hatching is the step right before the embryo implants.

It's amazing how the results of this cycle helped me put the tears of the last one aside. It's been a painful process and I know it may not turn out the way we want in the end. The one thing it has taught me is that there's always another day, another side to it all and another amazing thing that will surprise you.

Cross your fingers....say a prayer.....send us all your good juju!

Blobs of Confusion

THE UPDATE:
Our embryos are doing well. We have 6 front runners. They don't have any cell counts today as they are either compacting or have compacted into teeny tiny blobs called morulas.

THE ROLLERCOASTER:
When I was getting married, I couldn't get enough of bridal shows. The same is true for my pregnancy journey. I watch baby shows all the time. I used to watch the really graphic ones, just so I knew what the terminology meant and everything that could happen. I know that would normally scare most people. My philosophy is that I'd rather know in an emergency what the next steps were. I'd become so desensitized to watching births that I'd forget to turn the show off when we started eating dinner. oops.

Today, I had some show about multiples on in the background while I was editing photos. Usually I just half pay attention but this one was really touching. This couple was in the operating room about to have quadruplets by C-section. Tons of hospital staff are in the room to assist with the delivery. The mom-to-be is obviously nervous. Her husband keeps telling her it's ok and how they are both going to raise these babies together. You can see in her eyes that she's scared. Then, she hears the first baby cry. The husband starts to describe how she totally changed in that moment. How she suddenly went from just her to being a mom....in the blink of an eye. She no longer cared how she was feeling and could only focus on her babies. As I watched it, I could see the change in her face. It was pretty amazing.

I've been a bit teary today on and off. It's hard to describe the emotions I'm feeling. I'm excited, giddy, scared, worried, and happy all at one time. I guess you'd call that a bit overwhelmed. I feel that we could be on the brink of something that could change our life forever. I can't tell you how much I hope that this is THE ONE (or two). I'm not sure we'll continue trying to have a baby if it's not. Yet, I still have a hard time seeing my life without raising a family. We've been through so much, I try not to think about the last 3 years. It's amazing to believe that I even have hope at this point.

Honestly, I'm unbelievably excited about the possibility of success right now. And, after all we've been through, that's equally as scary. All I can do is hold on for the ride. And today, I feel tremendous...scared and tremendous!

Tomorrow is the big day!

I know....I know

A guy friend who had just become a dad pointed out how all the women who came over to hold his newborn said in a soothing voice "I know, I know" whenever the baby was upset. He wanted to know WHAT we knew and why we ALL said that! hee hee We'll never tell!

Now that I'm in the midst of my 8th IVF, I have to confess. I do know! I really do. So, even when it looks like you're not thinking about IVF....."I know, I know".

I know that you're cleaning your house on the weekend because your transfer will be within 3 to 5 days and you won't be able to clean after that.

I know that you just don't have a sudden craving for sushi. I know that you won't be able to have that in a couple of days so you can't stop thinking about it.

I know that you're trying to get in that last drop (or bottle) of wine with dinner before you can't.

I know that weening yourself off caffeine is easier said than done.

And I know how much you are freaking out on the inside, no matter how breezy you seem to everyone else.....and....so does your spouse.

I know all these things because today....was egg retrieval day for our donor. My husband got up at 6:30 am and gave his "sample" to the fertility clinic by 7:30 am. At 9, we received a call saying that 13 eggs were retrieved. Then, we went out for Dim Sum and a nice day in the city with our friends. I'm sure we seemed totally normal, but inside, all we could think about was those 13 eggs and if they will all fertilize by tomorrow. What should our plan be based on how many fertilize? Oh no, we're definitely not thinking about those results or that decision as we munch on shrimp shumai. Nooooo.

We are trying so hard not to think about it as I try so hard not to forget to take my estradiol, folate, prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin, progesterone in oil and prednisone at the recommended times during the day.

Sometimes when I'm doing IVF I notice these awkward silences with my friends. The silences are whenever the topic of IVF is in my head (which is often), but I know I've talked about it way too much. My mind is in an IVF fog and I literally have nothing else to talk about and nothing else currently happening in my life (anywhere near as important) to share. I feel a little hollow....a little uncool.....and more than a little obsessed.

So, if you're out there and you think no one can understand. If you think no one can knows how you're feeling right now, "I know, I know". I really do.

Giddiness, Waiting and Crazy...oh my!

I went in on Monday for my 2nd lining check. Even though I've been technically doing this cycle since November, the appointments are pretty basic (especially when it's your 8th time). Up to now, I hadn't seen an IVF nurse OR one of the doctors. I've just had basic bloodwork and ultrasounds. Today though, was a double whammy since both the IVF nurse and the doctor came in.

All of a sudden I realized that it's getting close, things are finally happening. I found out that the donor has about 16 follicles that are developing. Especially when doing IVF, I would not describe myself as upbeat. The IVF meds usually exaggerate the anxiety and bitchy traits in me. But Monday, I'd describe myself as downright giddy. 1) It feels totally unnatural to me to feel so happy and 2)It scares the crap out me when it's related to IVF.

The last time I did a donor cycle I was so convinced it would work that I changed out the clothes in my closet to maternity clothes. Needless to say, disappointed doesn't accurately relate how I felt when the result was negative. Devastated is more like it.
So, when I feel excited and hopeful and giddy about the potential of this cycle, I remember that other feeling, the devastated one. I realize there's no way to protect myself. I just really hope we finally have some good news. It's been such a long journey, I'm ready for it to be over. I'm not really sure I have the strength to do more IVF if it doesn't work. And I KNOW we don't have the funds. No pressure, but this HAS to be the one.

So now it's Thursday and my giddiness has calmed down a bit. I've tried to focus on my business although the "focus" part has not been so easy. The Lupron injections combined with my anxiety over everything has not made me the most fun person to be around. Right now the phone is in front of me and I'm waiting for it to ring. I'm waiting for the update on the donor's appointment this morning. Once the majority of her follicles reach 16mm, she'll take an hcg shot. Her egg retrieval will be 36 hours later. That's when all the fun begins.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot. During the appointment on Monday, I'm chatting about how crazy I am on the Lupron and the IVF Nurse (who runs the egg donor program) says to the doctor. "The donor looks like her". I start babbling about the baby photo I saw of the donor with her black hair like when I was a baby. Later, I realized that the nurse actually KNOWS the donor and she's saying we look alike. I've just seen 4 photos. VERY COOL! It makes me feel like younger me is giving her eggs to older me. Hey, I'd go back in time and donate to myself if I could!

Anyway, back to staring at the phone.

Diary of the Wannabe Disengaged

I love my husband. I'm very lucky to have him in my life. We've been through so much with all these treatments and he's been so supportive. But right now, I'm annoyed. I've been on the couch for 3 days with a headache to end all headaches. I go to sleep with it and I wake up with it and I'm just not much fun. He didn't even call me today to see how I was feeling. I called him at 4pm and he said he has to call me back in a 1/2 hour. Um yeah. Well, that didn't make me feel any better. Actually nothing he is doing is making me feel any better. He's barely doing his chores much less helping me with mine right now. He hasn't once said, I want to make you dinner tonight....or helped me so that I don't have to do all the planning for once. He seems to have checked out of this IVF cycle. The other night I was sleeping on the couch. He woke me up and told me it was time for bed, but didn't remind me that I needed my lupron shot. That could have been a huge problem. Luckily, I remembered just before we turned out the lights and got out of bed to do it. It feels more like MY IVF cycle not OUR IVF cycle.

I don't blame him really. I wish I could check out too. But, I have to remember the shot and the pills and the appointments. The last thing I want to do is to go through this again or feel like this again but it's the only way for us to have a baby. If only the man could do a couple of cycles and the woman could do a couple of cycles. It would seem more fair.

I've been very lonely the past few days. I'm here alone with my symptoms like this crazy headache and my crazy thoughts. I go to the IVF appointments by myself now because he doesn't work down the street from the doctor's office anymore and he has to leave really early for work. I work from home, so I'm here all day trying to break through the medication fog that has me feeling like crap.

It's not just him, I think everyone is done with our IVF. My friends try so hard to relate and be supportive but it's a huge conversation downer. After 7 IVFs, it's pretty much the same story again and again.

I went and had my hair cut today. I was feeling so blah that I thought I could use a change. I went in there wanting purple highlights, but they didn't have the color to do it. I also found out I'd have to refresh it every 2 weeks b/c it would fade. Once I told her about the IVF she said how sad I looked when I couldn't get the purple....and she understood. Turns out the hairdresser is going through IUI and is having her procedure in a couple of days. It was nice to talk to someone who could relate. She's 30 and has had 4 miscarriages this year. Strangely that comforted me. There was actually someone else out there who is working and living every day dealing with all of this. I needed some purple to get me out of my funk. Oh well, I like my hair though...and I'm just going to have to ride the wave of funk and hope (I hate that word "hope") this all works out.

What do IVF and On-line Dating have in common?

My mom was widowed about 3 years ago and just recently started on-line dating. She said she wasn't sure she could take on-line dating because she didn't know if she could handle rejection or if anyone wasn't nice to her. I said that if she felt that way she shouldn't do it and that on-line dating definitely requires you to have an emotional suit of armor. The same is true of going through IVF.

People say things, really unbelievable things, to you. Sometimes they know what you are going through and sometimes they don't. I go to a support group at my fertility clinic. Some of the famous one-liners that we hear all the time from friends and relatives are: "you should just relax and take a vacation." and "well, at least you get to "try" a lot". Of course neither of these has anything to do with the situation or with IVF. This long process has taught me that I do better if I don't expect people to say the right thing....because it's most likely that they won't.

I went to a baby shower for my cousin. I pulled into my spot in the parking lot and I didn't want to get out of the car. It was definitely not an easy event to attend but I wanted to be strong and get through it. I didn't want to be one of those people who can't look at a baby or wasn't happy for other people who are able to get pregnant. There were 80 people there. It was huge. I walked up to the front, someone took my gift, my aunt hugged me, put her hand on my belly and said "anything yet?". My mouth dropped open. I practically ran to the table where my mom and sister were sitting. I didn't cry or break down. I just thought, well, the worst thing that could happen just did and that's over with. Unfreakin' believable.....but over with. I told them the story and grabbed some champagne punch.

Here's the thing. My aunt loves me...and I know how much she wants this for me. It was just, well, really, really wrong. It wasn't meant to hurt me, but well, I'm still not sure how she (who moved on to adoption due to her own fertility issues) could say that but it's ok. I went into that shower with my suit of armor on and I got through it. I may have even upgraded the armor after that day.

My husband and I went to a baptism recently for the latest addition to his side of the family. We were sitting at the table with his Mom and Dad and some other people. A childhood family friend of his Dad's came over and was telling us about his family. He had 3 sons and 3 grandchildren. He was telling us all about them. Then, he says to my in-laws "Do you have any grandchildren?" They say no and he says "Oh, I thought I was doing bad with three!" Um, dude, we're sitting RIGHT HERE and you have no idea what our situation is. Seriously? I felt bad that my in-laws had to feel the sting of that comment since that's not something they usually have to deal with. My husband and I though, had a big laugh about it in the car. WHAT A JERK! We made it our (really asshole) quote of the day!

I can't say I always have my armor on. It's at these times, when you're with people you feel really should understand or you're in a vulnerable situation that it's really difficult to handle unexpected comments.

I was in the hospital for a D&E because there was no heartbeat on the 8 week ultrasound of my 2nd pregnancy. They wheel me into the operating room. All I was trying to do was keep things light and talk about anything but what was happening. Most of the staff understands this and they definitely don't want you to get agitated or upset. One nurse, starts asking me questions...as they are tying my arms to the table. "Do I have any children?" (internal: No Bitch! I don't have any children and I just had a miscarriage so really shut the hell up") Then it comes up that I did IVF and she just starts asking me about that. Apparently she was just starting her first IVF cycle. I'm tied to a table, scared about the surgery and totally dumbfounded at the insensitivity of this person. I just answer her questions ...barely able to get the answers out, but I don't even have the will to tell her off. I'm just shocked.....and really glad when they put me out with the anesthesia. All I can think is that she was so wrapped up in what was going on with her that she didn't have any idea what she was saying.

Any of these comments could cause a person in my position to ball my eyes out or get really pissed off. They really could. In the beginning they did. Dealing with fertility issues is like having an open wound sometimes. It's been one of the most challenging things I've had to deal with in my entire life. But it's also been a journey. It's made my marriage stronger and it's made me realize that I can't control everything. IVF can make or break you and your marriage. So if you're thinking of doing IVF......

Suit up! Prepare for the battle!....and share your quote of the day!