My mom was widowed about 3 years ago and just recently started on-line dating. She said she wasn't sure she could take on-line dating because she didn't know if she could handle rejection or if anyone wasn't nice to her. I said that if she felt that way she shouldn't do it and that on-line dating definitely requires you to have an emotional suit of armor. The same is true of going through IVF.
People say things, really unbelievable things, to you. Sometimes they know what you are going through and sometimes they don't. I go to a support group at my fertility clinic. Some of the famous one-liners that we hear all the time from friends and relatives are: "you should just relax and take a vacation." and "well, at least you get to "try" a lot". Of course neither of these has anything to do with the situation or with IVF. This long process has taught me that I do better if I don't expect people to say the right thing....because it's most likely that they won't.
I went to a baby shower for my cousin. I pulled into my spot in the parking lot and I didn't want to get out of the car. It was definitely not an easy event to attend but I wanted to be strong and get through it. I didn't want to be one of those people who can't look at a baby or wasn't happy for other people who are able to get pregnant. There were 80 people there. It was huge. I walked up to the front, someone took my gift, my aunt hugged me, put her hand on my belly and said "anything yet?". My mouth dropped open. I practically ran to the table where my mom and sister were sitting. I didn't cry or break down. I just thought, well, the worst thing that could happen just did and that's over with. Unfreakin' believable.....but over with. I told them the story and grabbed some champagne punch.
Here's the thing. My aunt loves me...and I know how much she wants this for me. It was just, well, really, really wrong. It wasn't meant to hurt me, but well, I'm still not sure how she (who moved on to adoption due to her own fertility issues) could say that but it's ok. I went into that shower with my suit of armor on and I got through it. I may have even upgraded the armor after that day.
My husband and I went to a baptism recently for the latest addition to his side of the family. We were sitting at the table with his Mom and Dad and some other people. A childhood family friend of his Dad's came over and was telling us about his family. He had 3 sons and 3 grandchildren. He was telling us all about them. Then, he says to my in-laws "Do you have any grandchildren?" They say no and he says "Oh, I thought I was doing bad with three!" Um, dude, we're sitting RIGHT HERE and you have no idea what our situation is. Seriously? I felt bad that my in-laws had to feel the sting of that comment since that's not something they usually have to deal with. My husband and I though, had a big laugh about it in the car. WHAT A JERK! We made it our (really asshole) quote of the day!
I can't say I always have my armor on. It's at these times, when you're with people you feel really should understand or you're in a vulnerable situation that it's really difficult to handle unexpected comments.
I was in the hospital for a D&E because there was no heartbeat on the 8 week ultrasound of my 2nd pregnancy. They wheel me into the operating room. All I was trying to do was keep things light and talk about anything but what was happening. Most of the staff understands this and they definitely don't want you to get agitated or upset. One nurse, starts asking me questions...as they are tying my arms to the table. "Do I have any children?" (internal: No Bitch! I don't have any children and I just had a miscarriage so really shut the hell up") Then it comes up that I did IVF and she just starts asking me about that. Apparently she was just starting her first IVF cycle. I'm tied to a table, scared about the surgery and totally dumbfounded at the insensitivity of this person. I just answer her questions ...barely able to get the answers out, but I don't even have the will to tell her off. I'm just shocked.....and really glad when they put me out with the anesthesia. All I can think is that she was so wrapped up in what was going on with her that she didn't have any idea what she was saying.
Any of these comments could cause a person in my position to ball my eyes out or get really pissed off. They really could. In the beginning they did. Dealing with fertility issues is like having an open wound sometimes. It's been one of the most challenging things I've had to deal with in my entire life. But it's also been a journey. It's made my marriage stronger and it's made me realize that I can't control everything. IVF can make or break you and your marriage. So if you're thinking of doing IVF......
Suit up! Prepare for the battle!....and share your quote of the day!
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF. Show all posts
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Today is another day.
We took a few months after the last failed IVF. All I wanted was to feel like myself again....and, it took a while. I started to lose some weight. I started to have regular cycles again. My life didn't have to revolve around the IVF schedule. I even forgot the number to our IVF office and had to look it up. We renovated our back family room and turned it into a master bedroom over the summer.
Now, we have an extra room for a baby if one decides to come along. I started to concentrate on my photography business, which has really taken off. I've discovered that I really love maternity and newborn photography. It's not sad or weird to me at all. It's actually totally ok and really fun.
We also had some major discussions with our IVF practice. They wanted to help us out, but we didn't know how much they wanted to help us. Since we were out of money, we really needed them to come through or else we wouldn't get a chance with another donor. Luckily, they did. With some help from family, we are going to be able to do one more cycle.
So, here we go again. Last month I started the Pill. As soon as I started taking it I could feel hormonal changes. I didn't realize how much that would affect me. Then last week, I started Lupron. Oh boy. I felt that one from day one. Last night I was up with night sweats.....and two hours later I went back to bed and was freezing. I got choked up at a note on a Christmas card yesterday too. Let the Lupron crazy begin. I still have a month to go before the transfer even happens. I just hope it goes fast.
I'm trying hard to pretend that I'm not doing IVF right now at all. I'm a little afraid that hope is going to creep in and that excitement will follow soon after. Especially during the holidays, it's hard not to picture us with a baby next year.....or how it will be if we don't have one. The first time I got pregnant, my due date was 12/23, which I just realized is today. Wow. If things had worked out I'd have a 2 year old. But it's the journey right? We are stronger than we ever thought we could be. Let's just hope it takes us to a happy place in the end....a happy, sleep-deprived, spit up on place.
Now, we have an extra room for a baby if one decides to come along. I started to concentrate on my photography business, which has really taken off. I've discovered that I really love maternity and newborn photography. It's not sad or weird to me at all. It's actually totally ok and really fun.
We also had some major discussions with our IVF practice. They wanted to help us out, but we didn't know how much they wanted to help us. Since we were out of money, we really needed them to come through or else we wouldn't get a chance with another donor. Luckily, they did. With some help from family, we are going to be able to do one more cycle.
So, here we go again. Last month I started the Pill. As soon as I started taking it I could feel hormonal changes. I didn't realize how much that would affect me. Then last week, I started Lupron. Oh boy. I felt that one from day one. Last night I was up with night sweats.....and two hours later I went back to bed and was freezing. I got choked up at a note on a Christmas card yesterday too. Let the Lupron crazy begin. I still have a month to go before the transfer even happens. I just hope it goes fast.
I'm trying hard to pretend that I'm not doing IVF right now at all. I'm a little afraid that hope is going to creep in and that excitement will follow soon after. Especially during the holidays, it's hard not to picture us with a baby next year.....or how it will be if we don't have one. The first time I got pregnant, my due date was 12/23, which I just realized is today. Wow. If things had worked out I'd have a 2 year old. But it's the journey right? We are stronger than we ever thought we could be. Let's just hope it takes us to a happy place in the end....a happy, sleep-deprived, spit up on place.
Friday, August 14, 2009
the fun continues
All lowercase......nuf said
I'm in NC this week. My brother and his family rented a house here and he asked me too. It's so nice to get away, but it's also hard to get away with the limbo of IVF. I've been on the phone with my drs office countless times trying to coordinate what we should do for our next cycle. One person tells me it's not a problem, the next says "well you're not in town so I'm not sure this is going to work out". Frick people! I need to have a life! I can't just sit at home and wait to NOT be pregnant!
So, here I am. I spoke with the dr on Tuesday. There was a suggestion a few months ago about a new "idea" that doing a D&C could "reboot" your system and make your IVF more successful. Well, I've not been able to find anything out there (aka on the internet) indicating this is true. I've actually found lots of notes saying that the opposite might be true and the risks involved in doing a D&C. Honestly though, it's more of an emotional decision to do that procedure for me. It's not something I ever wanted to do once, but had to....much less CHOOSE to do!
After talking it over with my doctor, he didn't have any concrete evidence that this would help me....so we nixed the idea. I suggested another course of action (yeah I know, shouldn't the doctor be doing that?) and he was all for it. I suggested a doing a fresh cycle, letting all the embryos get to blastocyst stage (120 cells) and doing a co-culture biopsy. OK, in non-ivfer terms here is what that means. Instead of waiting 3 days and seeing if the embryos get to 6 or 8 cells, you wait 5-6 days and see how many make it to blastocysts. Blastocysts are much more likely to implant...but at my age, it's a risk. The other risk is that embryos do much better in the womb than they do in a petri dish. That's where the co-cultured biopsy comes in. In the cycle before my ivf cycle (which is what I'm working on now) they will do a biopsy and take some of my lining. They will freeze this, then put it in with my embryos next cycle to help them grow.
Studies have shown this to be very helpful, but it is still considered experimental. Still, it's much less experimental than a pointless D&C.
So, that's the plan. We're taking a chance that none will make it to blastocyst...but both D and I feel like we need to change it up. What we've been doing feels too much like a shot in the dark and we need to increase the odds. Cross your fingers! Away we go....again!
I'm in NC this week. My brother and his family rented a house here and he asked me too. It's so nice to get away, but it's also hard to get away with the limbo of IVF. I've been on the phone with my drs office countless times trying to coordinate what we should do for our next cycle. One person tells me it's not a problem, the next says "well you're not in town so I'm not sure this is going to work out". Frick people! I need to have a life! I can't just sit at home and wait to NOT be pregnant!
So, here I am. I spoke with the dr on Tuesday. There was a suggestion a few months ago about a new "idea" that doing a D&C could "reboot" your system and make your IVF more successful. Well, I've not been able to find anything out there (aka on the internet) indicating this is true. I've actually found lots of notes saying that the opposite might be true and the risks involved in doing a D&C. Honestly though, it's more of an emotional decision to do that procedure for me. It's not something I ever wanted to do once, but had to....much less CHOOSE to do!
After talking it over with my doctor, he didn't have any concrete evidence that this would help me....so we nixed the idea. I suggested another course of action (yeah I know, shouldn't the doctor be doing that?) and he was all for it. I suggested a doing a fresh cycle, letting all the embryos get to blastocyst stage (120 cells) and doing a co-culture biopsy. OK, in non-ivfer terms here is what that means. Instead of waiting 3 days and seeing if the embryos get to 6 or 8 cells, you wait 5-6 days and see how many make it to blastocysts. Blastocysts are much more likely to implant...but at my age, it's a risk. The other risk is that embryos do much better in the womb than they do in a petri dish. That's where the co-cultured biopsy comes in. In the cycle before my ivf cycle (which is what I'm working on now) they will do a biopsy and take some of my lining. They will freeze this, then put it in with my embryos next cycle to help them grow.
Studies have shown this to be very helpful, but it is still considered experimental. Still, it's much less experimental than a pointless D&C.
So, that's the plan. We're taking a chance that none will make it to blastocyst...but both D and I feel like we need to change it up. What we've been doing feels too much like a shot in the dark and we need to increase the odds. Cross your fingers! Away we go....again!
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Onward!
The pregnancy test was negative as expected. A little part of me was still hoping, but I got most of my "sad" out on Saturday so I'm ok. I bought some REALLY good wine that I will be consoling myself with tonight.
One thing I like about my RE's office is that they don't have the doctors call with the positives and the nurses call with the negatives. It's been 50/50 so far. This time, I did get to speak to the doctor directly so that was good.
He still thinks we have an excellent shot at our own baby. And, that there are no other factors involved except for my age. After talking it over with D, we decided to do one more fresh cycle. If that doesn't work, we'll do more FET's to use up all our frozen embryos. The good thing about frozen embryos is that they are in limbo at the age they were when they were fertilized. I could put them in tomorrow or in 5years and the result would be the same. With a fresh cycle, success rates drop drastically the more past 40 you are. I have a very finite amount of time I can attempt a fresh cycle....so if I'm going to do it, now is the time.
The other thing we considered is that we already have all the meds for a fresh cycle. It was very nice having 8 weeks notice that I was going to be out of a job, so I took full advantage and ordered as many fertility meds as possible. I thought I'd also have enough for another frozen round, but due to my cyst, I used Lupron for 5 weeks instead of 2.
The big $$ prescription is the one for the fresh cycle. One Gonal-F pen costs between $700-$900. I need 7 for each IVF cycle. You do the math!
So, here we go again.....I don't really like the rollercoaster ride, but I'm not ready to get off.
One thing I like about my RE's office is that they don't have the doctors call with the positives and the nurses call with the negatives. It's been 50/50 so far. This time, I did get to speak to the doctor directly so that was good.
He still thinks we have an excellent shot at our own baby. And, that there are no other factors involved except for my age. After talking it over with D, we decided to do one more fresh cycle. If that doesn't work, we'll do more FET's to use up all our frozen embryos. The good thing about frozen embryos is that they are in limbo at the age they were when they were fertilized. I could put them in tomorrow or in 5years and the result would be the same. With a fresh cycle, success rates drop drastically the more past 40 you are. I have a very finite amount of time I can attempt a fresh cycle....so if I'm going to do it, now is the time.
The other thing we considered is that we already have all the meds for a fresh cycle. It was very nice having 8 weeks notice that I was going to be out of a job, so I took full advantage and ordered as many fertility meds as possible. I thought I'd also have enough for another frozen round, but due to my cyst, I used Lupron for 5 weeks instead of 2.
The big $$ prescription is the one for the fresh cycle. One Gonal-F pen costs between $700-$900. I need 7 for each IVF cycle. You do the math!
So, here we go again.....I don't really like the rollercoaster ride, but I'm not ready to get off.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Uh oh! I ate the house!
I'm in here writing this while my wonderful husband is outside weedwacking. I should feel guilty for not helping right? I'm working on that part. I did do some dusting and straightening so I'm not a total 2WW slacker.
I don't know if it's just nerves or the residual side effects of the prednisone I had to take for 5 days, but I can't stop eating. It's like I'm jonesing for food but I know I'm not hungry. I was trying so hard to control my weight before the transfer, now I feel like I'm going to gain 10 lbs just in these 2 weeks. I hope it subsides soon or I will BE the size of the house in addition to EATING everything in the house!
It's official! The crazy two week wait (2WW) symptoms have started. I've had this soreness in my lower right side for a couple of days. When I had my transfer, I was sore on my left side from the procedure itself, so I know it's not that. This is just a random "hey, don't think you can forget about this for one second" kind of pain. I've had some trouble sleeping because of it, but I'm trying not to take any tylenol if I don't have to. OK, two week wait, I know how you are. Bring on the twinges and the pulling and whatever you got....I'm ready!
I don't know if it's just nerves or the residual side effects of the prednisone I had to take for 5 days, but I can't stop eating. It's like I'm jonesing for food but I know I'm not hungry. I was trying so hard to control my weight before the transfer, now I feel like I'm going to gain 10 lbs just in these 2 weeks. I hope it subsides soon or I will BE the size of the house in addition to EATING everything in the house!
It's official! The crazy two week wait (2WW) symptoms have started. I've had this soreness in my lower right side for a couple of days. When I had my transfer, I was sore on my left side from the procedure itself, so I know it's not that. This is just a random "hey, don't think you can forget about this for one second" kind of pain. I've had some trouble sleeping because of it, but I'm trying not to take any tylenol if I don't have to. OK, two week wait, I know how you are. Bring on the twinges and the pulling and whatever you got....I'm ready!
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
The Sane Times
This cycle really doesn't have a whole lot going on. It's a lot of the same....BCP's for weeks, Lupron for weeks, add Estradiol for weeks, then PIO for weeks. It's the side effects that have made it(me) feel out of this world. So, when I was at the grocery store the other day, I picked up some sunflowers for my husband. I figured I should use my sane time to be extra nice so he can remember them through the craziness. Of course, it's not like it's my fault...as the IVF nurses are always saying. At the same time, a couple of months is a long, long time to live on the edge of reason....or to live WITH someone on the edge of reason.
One major IVF factor that's been on my mind is my weight. I have gained about 13 lbs since the miscarriage in May 2008....and that's on top of the post-honeymoon weight gain. I have these small windows of 2 weeks at a time where I can try to lose weight...and it never seems to be enough to make a real difference. Maybe it's the Lupron or the estrogen, but I get ravenously hungry sometimes and can never seem to make a dent. I know that even a small weight loss could make a big difference, so why can't I do it? It's so frustrating.
One major IVF factor that's been on my mind is my weight. I have gained about 13 lbs since the miscarriage in May 2008....and that's on top of the post-honeymoon weight gain. I have these small windows of 2 weeks at a time where I can try to lose weight...and it never seems to be enough to make a real difference. Maybe it's the Lupron or the estrogen, but I get ravenously hungry sometimes and can never seem to make a dent. I know that even a small weight loss could make a big difference, so why can't I do it? It's so frustrating.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Learning to Deal
I know that people are well-meaning and that some people just don't know what to say when you tell them you have fertility issues. Many people just don't understand that if you had any other choice than IVF, that's what you'd be doing. If the chances were any more than slim, there's no way we'd be doing this.
I went to lunch with an ex co-worker a few weeks ago and she said..... "try not to think about it and just relax this summer". It made me chuckle a little on the inside, but I just said thanks. Later that week D and I went to the movies to see UP! and don't you know, the character's wife has a miscarriage. IT'S A CARTOON FOR GOD'S SAKE! Wouldn't you think this would be a safe haven? If it's not a movie, it's the celebrity baby boom, or family members having babies, getting pregnant etc. It's EVERYWHERE!
Now we are in the midst of our first FET (frozen embryo transfer). It's a lot less invasive that a fresh IVF cycle, but I still have a regimen of meds to follow. To be honest, I'm not sure how anyone who is not known as "the planner" and is not Type A could ever do IVF. The schedule of meds is crazy complicated. It makes me laugh again each morning when I have to take the prenatal vitamin and low dose aspirin and every night when I inject myself with Lupron, that I'm supposed to not be thinking about this and "just relaxing".
On top of it all, our lives are totally in limbo. We can't even plan a vacation because we have to be available for doctor's appts. Now that I'm almost out of work, it would be great if I could plan a few days away. However, since I can't give myself an 1 1/2" needle in my butt each night, I need to stay in the proximity of my dear hubby for a while. So, the "relax and take a vacation" advice is also nixed unless he can take off work.
I know the statistics and at this point, I know way more than I ever wanted to about IVF and infertility. Although I tried acupunture and will still be doing yoga whenever I can, I realize that this is just a difficult storm I'm going to have to ride through. There's no easy anecdote, daily mantra or any way to not face what's in front of us. One thing I am learning to get used to about my life right now....is that it's totally out of my control. I'm not liking it, but I'm learning to deal...and that's all I can do.
I went to lunch with an ex co-worker a few weeks ago and she said..... "try not to think about it and just relax this summer". It made me chuckle a little on the inside, but I just said thanks. Later that week D and I went to the movies to see UP! and don't you know, the character's wife has a miscarriage. IT'S A CARTOON FOR GOD'S SAKE! Wouldn't you think this would be a safe haven? If it's not a movie, it's the celebrity baby boom, or family members having babies, getting pregnant etc. It's EVERYWHERE!
Now we are in the midst of our first FET (frozen embryo transfer). It's a lot less invasive that a fresh IVF cycle, but I still have a regimen of meds to follow. To be honest, I'm not sure how anyone who is not known as "the planner" and is not Type A could ever do IVF. The schedule of meds is crazy complicated. It makes me laugh again each morning when I have to take the prenatal vitamin and low dose aspirin and every night when I inject myself with Lupron, that I'm supposed to not be thinking about this and "just relaxing".
On top of it all, our lives are totally in limbo. We can't even plan a vacation because we have to be available for doctor's appts. Now that I'm almost out of work, it would be great if I could plan a few days away. However, since I can't give myself an 1 1/2" needle in my butt each night, I need to stay in the proximity of my dear hubby for a while. So, the "relax and take a vacation" advice is also nixed unless he can take off work.
I know the statistics and at this point, I know way more than I ever wanted to about IVF and infertility. Although I tried acupunture and will still be doing yoga whenever I can, I realize that this is just a difficult storm I'm going to have to ride through. There's no easy anecdote, daily mantra or any way to not face what's in front of us. One thing I am learning to get used to about my life right now....is that it's totally out of my control. I'm not liking it, but I'm learning to deal...and that's all I can do.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Best (and weirdest) Compliment That Made My Day!
We went to our early morning checkup this morning. During the u/s, the nurse said how they would check my bloodwork and get back to me about my meds....b/c they are concerned with OHSS (Ovarian HyperStimulation Syndrome). I said I heard that wasn't common in someone my age. She said "Are you 40? I hadn't looked at your chart...I had no idea. You don't look it and neither do your ovaries!" While it was really nice to hear that I didn't look 40, strangely, it was even nicer to hear that my ovaries are not reacting like their 40. Whooo hooo!
I had lots of follicles today. She didn't even bother to count them....but she measured the largest ones between 13mm and 10+ mm. The ones on the left are lagging behind a bit (around 10mm) but hopefully they will catch up soon. I had such a sense of excitement after this appt. Before I started, I was really worried that my cycle could get cancelled or that I'd have a bad response. I guess I feel a sense of relief now that at least we have a good shot (no pun intended) at this working. It would be even greater if we had so many good follicles that we could freeze some, but now I'm just getting greedy I know!
When my bloodwork came back, the nurse called and told me to skip my AM Gonal-F and to take 300 units tonight instead. I guess I'm coasting for the day. The doctor told me during our IVF consult that chances were slim that anyone my age could have OHSS so I think it's wild that they are so concerned about that in me and are adjusting all my meds. I just hope it doesn't effect the growth.
So far, it looks like we are still on track for ER on Thursday. I must go change out of these jeans and into yoga pants now. My ovaries are demanding it!
I had lots of follicles today. She didn't even bother to count them....but she measured the largest ones between 13mm and 10+ mm. The ones on the left are lagging behind a bit (around 10mm) but hopefully they will catch up soon. I had such a sense of excitement after this appt. Before I started, I was really worried that my cycle could get cancelled or that I'd have a bad response. I guess I feel a sense of relief now that at least we have a good shot (no pun intended) at this working. It would be even greater if we had so many good follicles that we could freeze some, but now I'm just getting greedy I know!
When my bloodwork came back, the nurse called and told me to skip my AM Gonal-F and to take 300 units tonight instead. I guess I'm coasting for the day. The doctor told me during our IVF consult that chances were slim that anyone my age could have OHSS so I think it's wild that they are so concerned about that in me and are adjusting all my meds. I just hope it doesn't effect the growth.
So far, it looks like we are still on track for ER on Thursday. I must go change out of these jeans and into yoga pants now. My ovaries are demanding it!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Checkup #1
Oh it was so so early this morning when I woke up. I actually told my alarm clock "I'm trying ok?" when the buzzer went off. It was still unyielding in its attempts to awaken me.
I had my blood taken and went in for an ultrasound. Here's a brief review.... When I first started in December, I had 15 antral follicles. Then I went on BCP's for about a month. Before I started stims, I had 11 follicles. Today, we could see 10 growing for sure...and possibly one lil tiny one. Of course, I was hoping to go in and see 20, but that was a long shot for sure. The good news is that the 10 left are growing right on schedule. I'm really hoping no more drop out though.
I also asked about the fact that I haven't gotten my period since stopping the bcps. Apparently, this is not going to happen. The nurse said "take whatever you know about a natural cycle and throw it out the window!" allrighty then!
I have another appt on Friday and then one on Saturday too. arrrrgh....so tired.
Another recent side effect is being caused by the baby aspirin I'm taking once a day. I've been bleeding a little when I do my shots now and also with the acupunture. I found a bruise on my lower abdomen last night. I think it's from the acupunture since I didn't do shots there. I'm surprised a baby aspirin has so much effect. hinky!
I had my blood taken and went in for an ultrasound. Here's a brief review.... When I first started in December, I had 15 antral follicles. Then I went on BCP's for about a month. Before I started stims, I had 11 follicles. Today, we could see 10 growing for sure...and possibly one lil tiny one. Of course, I was hoping to go in and see 20, but that was a long shot for sure. The good news is that the 10 left are growing right on schedule. I'm really hoping no more drop out though.
I also asked about the fact that I haven't gotten my period since stopping the bcps. Apparently, this is not going to happen. The nurse said "take whatever you know about a natural cycle and throw it out the window!" allrighty then!
I have another appt on Friday and then one on Saturday too. arrrrgh....so tired.
Another recent side effect is being caused by the baby aspirin I'm taking once a day. I've been bleeding a little when I do my shots now and also with the acupunture. I found a bruise on my lower abdomen last night. I think it's from the acupunture since I didn't do shots there. I'm surprised a baby aspirin has so much effect. hinky!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Inundated!
I'm on information overload this morning! I'm seriously convinced that a good portion of IVF cycles fail because of taking the wrong shot at the wrong time or the wrong dose. There is so much information and so many appointments, it's really easy to get mixed up. Of course, for all who know me, you know I already have a calendar marking which day I'm taking what and have all my drs appts color coded etc. Still, it's a bit much.
So my drs appt today consisted of three parts. First was the blood test. This will check my hormone levels. I guess I'll call later today for the results. Next was a "uterine sounding". This was to measure the size and shape of my uterus. When the embryos are put back in after they are fertilized, it's critical that the procedure is as gentle as possible. So, basically they prod the back of your uterus and measure how far back it is so that they don't go too far. The doctor described this as "like a pap smear with a little zinger". I told him if the zinger was a shot of vodka then fine, otherwise........ OTHERWISE, I'll tell you it's not very comfortable. It was quick at least, but I've been cramping on and off every since the appt. No cool man, not cool.
The last part of the appt was the ultrasound (u/s). He took a quick count and could see at least 11 antral follicles. They were bigger than last time. I was hoping for more. I'm not sure if this means this is the most I can possibly get. I guess we'll have to wait and see. He didn't seemed to be concerned about it so I guess it's an ok response.
I got to test using an actual syringe during the appt. It was good because the Gonal-F pen takes a lot of pressure to inject. Good to know. I'm going to have to work on my "dart" technique. I have a feeling I'll be using the "chicken shit" technique in the beginning. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
So my drs appt today consisted of three parts. First was the blood test. This will check my hormone levels. I guess I'll call later today for the results. Next was a "uterine sounding". This was to measure the size and shape of my uterus. When the embryos are put back in after they are fertilized, it's critical that the procedure is as gentle as possible. So, basically they prod the back of your uterus and measure how far back it is so that they don't go too far. The doctor described this as "like a pap smear with a little zinger". I told him if the zinger was a shot of vodka then fine, otherwise........ OTHERWISE, I'll tell you it's not very comfortable. It was quick at least, but I've been cramping on and off every since the appt. No cool man, not cool.
The last part of the appt was the ultrasound (u/s). He took a quick count and could see at least 11 antral follicles. They were bigger than last time. I was hoping for more. I'm not sure if this means this is the most I can possibly get. I guess we'll have to wait and see. He didn't seemed to be concerned about it so I guess it's an ok response.
I got to test using an actual syringe during the appt. It was good because the Gonal-F pen takes a lot of pressure to inject. Good to know. I'm going to have to work on my "dart" technique. I have a feeling I'll be using the "chicken shit" technique in the beginning. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Antsy!
I'm so anxious for this day to be over. I've never been so excited about a drs appt in my life. Tomorrow I have bloodwork and u/s. It will signal the definite beginning of my IVF cycle. I'm anxious to see how many antral follicles I have. (Those are the follicles that haven't started to develop yet). As of last month, I had 15 total. This is really good for someone my age. It's a good indication that I do not have "limited ovarian reserve". So I still have a few eggs left, hopefully they are good ones! I'm also hoping they are all still there. The nurse said there was a chance that a few could drop off b/c of the month on BCPs. I hope not! I need all I can get!
I think tonight I will do some yoga with my hubby. We've been doing this fertility yoga dvd and it's been pretty great. I don't think I'm up for the gym, but yoga sounds good.
I think tonight I will do some yoga with my hubby. We've been doing this fertility yoga dvd and it's been pretty great. I don't think I'm up for the gym, but yoga sounds good.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Everybody Limbo!
OK just me....I'm in limbo, but luckily it's only for a few more days. I keep having dreams about giving myself shots. What if I squeeze too hard and the needle goes in one way and comes out the other? What if I jab myself and it hurts so bad I run screaming around the room? I've had needles before, I did allergy shots for years. I seriously need to chill.
Our RE's office sponsors a support group a couple times a month. We went to it last night. Sometimes I am hesitant to go. There are couples who have been through a whole lotta shit! You can see how much they want to be parents and how much pain they are in. I try not to think too much about the what ifs...."what if this doesn't work", "what if this doesn't ever happen for us"....and that's hard to do when it's staring you in the face and you're seeing it in someone else.
But, we always do go to the support group and each time, I'm so glad that I did. The last time, we heard about this couple who were young and both had such a challenging situation. What really struck me about them was that they made us all laugh. They had such a great perspective on the whole thing. I decided that I didn't want to be depressed and pessimistic, I wanted to go through (or try to go through) this journey with that kind of attitude.
I also learned about egg retrieval and transfer procedures. Apparently you are in a procedure room with a window and the embryologists are passing your "stuff" back and forth and there are lots of people around. It's good to have that knowledge before you go in. There's nothing more stressful than having your legs in the stirrups and suddenly hear a window open and lots of discussion about your hoo-hah!
Last night I was speaking to someone in the group who just finished one IVF (BFN) in November and would be starting her next round at the same time as me. I told her I would be taking Gonal-F. This medication comes in a pen dispenser that can give multiple doses. You dial up the dose you need each time and then pull back the plunger. Each pen costs about $1100....and only has about 3 doses on it. The other woman in the group told me to be sure not to overdial beyond my dosage, b/c you can't dial it back. You basically have to shoot out the extra medication and waste it. That's definitely a good tip.
So, I wait and I learn and try not to freak out! I hope this week goes quickly!
Our RE's office sponsors a support group a couple times a month. We went to it last night. Sometimes I am hesitant to go. There are couples who have been through a whole lotta shit! You can see how much they want to be parents and how much pain they are in. I try not to think too much about the what ifs...."what if this doesn't work", "what if this doesn't ever happen for us"....and that's hard to do when it's staring you in the face and you're seeing it in someone else.
But, we always do go to the support group and each time, I'm so glad that I did. The last time, we heard about this couple who were young and both had such a challenging situation. What really struck me about them was that they made us all laugh. They had such a great perspective on the whole thing. I decided that I didn't want to be depressed and pessimistic, I wanted to go through (or try to go through) this journey with that kind of attitude.
I also learned about egg retrieval and transfer procedures. Apparently you are in a procedure room with a window and the embryologists are passing your "stuff" back and forth and there are lots of people around. It's good to have that knowledge before you go in. There's nothing more stressful than having your legs in the stirrups and suddenly hear a window open and lots of discussion about your hoo-hah!
Last night I was speaking to someone in the group who just finished one IVF (BFN) in November and would be starting her next round at the same time as me. I told her I would be taking Gonal-F. This medication comes in a pen dispenser that can give multiple doses. You dial up the dose you need each time and then pull back the plunger. Each pen costs about $1100....and only has about 3 doses on it. The other woman in the group told me to be sure not to overdial beyond my dosage, b/c you can't dial it back. You basically have to shoot out the extra medication and waste it. That's definitely a good tip.
So, I wait and I learn and try not to freak out! I hope this week goes quickly!
Monday, January 5, 2009
More Needles!
Yes, I received even more needles and drugs in the mail today. It was my last lone prescription of low dose hcg. Apparently, this medication only lasts for 30 days and then is ineffective. So, they didn't want to send it too early. It is always unsettling to open up a fedex and see a giant package of syringes. (breathe breathe) I think the whole shot thing would be ok if I didn't have to look. That's usually how I get through them in the drs office. It could prove to be a bad move though when giving myself the shots.
Hubby and I had an early morning drs appt today too. It was for a genetic consult. We had one before during the pregnancy, but our IVF nurse insisted that there was more information I needed to know specifically regarding IVF. Yeah....um.....no. It was completely the same....if not less information....useless. Oh well. Take my money, what do I care?
My co-worker who knows all about my IVF plans (probably more than she ever wanted to know) tried to rile me up and get me all upset that about the useless appt. (Oh sure, everyone loves pissing me off don't they? It's all fun and games until I poke someone's eye out! :P) She was very disappointed that I didn't take the bait. When you're spending $10,000, $125 bucks isn't worth the trouble of getting wound up. Sorry chica!
Hubby and I had an early morning drs appt today too. It was for a genetic consult. We had one before during the pregnancy, but our IVF nurse insisted that there was more information I needed to know specifically regarding IVF. Yeah....um.....no. It was completely the same....if not less information....useless. Oh well. Take my money, what do I care?
My co-worker who knows all about my IVF plans (probably more than she ever wanted to know) tried to rile me up and get me all upset that about the useless appt. (Oh sure, everyone loves pissing me off don't they? It's all fun and games until I poke someone's eye out! :P) She was very disappointed that I didn't take the bait. When you're spending $10,000, $125 bucks isn't worth the trouble of getting wound up. Sorry chica!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I'm a big ball o' jello!
Today I went for an amazing massage with a friend of mine. She was so nice and treated me to help me destress before my upcoming treatments. It was so relaxing! Of course, my neck and shoulders were a big bundle of stress balls. Too much computer time I guess. We both walked out of the rooms in our robes with what looked like sex hair. We did not care one bit! They had an aromatherapy room where we sat and had a cup of green tea.
Then we met our boys for lunch! It was a nice day!
Then we met our boys for lunch! It was a nice day!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Waiting Waiting Waiting
I now understand Tom Petty when he says it's the hardest part! Due to our health coverage and the holiday schedule at our RE's office, we had to delay IVF for a little over a month. Then, I had to delay one week more because my brother bumped his wedding by a week. I told him I would photograph it and I didn't want to take the risk of being crazy and/or bloated on the big day. I have visions of the blueberry girl in Willa Wonka (the original of course) and it's not pretty. No one wants to be rolled around a wedding!
The holidays have helped me not obsess too much about the waiting. My husband and I have been doing yoga, working out and I've been going to an acupunturist once a week. My friend was so sweet and scheduled us both for massages tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that muchly!
In a world where we can have dinner ready in less than 5 minutes or get an instantaneous answer to a question via the internet, this whole pregnancy process is painstakingly looooooong! Don't even get me thinking about the two week wait!!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
The holidays have helped me not obsess too much about the waiting. My husband and I have been doing yoga, working out and I've been going to an acupunturist once a week. My friend was so sweet and scheduled us both for massages tomorrow so I'm looking forward to that muchly!
In a world where we can have dinner ready in less than 5 minutes or get an instantaneous answer to a question via the internet, this whole pregnancy process is painstakingly looooooong! Don't even get me thinking about the two week wait!!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
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