Diary of the Wannabe Disengaged

I love my husband. I'm very lucky to have him in my life. We've been through so much with all these treatments and he's been so supportive. But right now, I'm annoyed. I've been on the couch for 3 days with a headache to end all headaches. I go to sleep with it and I wake up with it and I'm just not much fun. He didn't even call me today to see how I was feeling. I called him at 4pm and he said he has to call me back in a 1/2 hour. Um yeah. Well, that didn't make me feel any better. Actually nothing he is doing is making me feel any better. He's barely doing his chores much less helping me with mine right now. He hasn't once said, I want to make you dinner tonight....or helped me so that I don't have to do all the planning for once. He seems to have checked out of this IVF cycle. The other night I was sleeping on the couch. He woke me up and told me it was time for bed, but didn't remind me that I needed my lupron shot. That could have been a huge problem. Luckily, I remembered just before we turned out the lights and got out of bed to do it. It feels more like MY IVF cycle not OUR IVF cycle.

I don't blame him really. I wish I could check out too. But, I have to remember the shot and the pills and the appointments. The last thing I want to do is to go through this again or feel like this again but it's the only way for us to have a baby. If only the man could do a couple of cycles and the woman could do a couple of cycles. It would seem more fair.

I've been very lonely the past few days. I'm here alone with my symptoms like this crazy headache and my crazy thoughts. I go to the IVF appointments by myself now because he doesn't work down the street from the doctor's office anymore and he has to leave really early for work. I work from home, so I'm here all day trying to break through the medication fog that has me feeling like crap.

It's not just him, I think everyone is done with our IVF. My friends try so hard to relate and be supportive but it's a huge conversation downer. After 7 IVFs, it's pretty much the same story again and again.

I went and had my hair cut today. I was feeling so blah that I thought I could use a change. I went in there wanting purple highlights, but they didn't have the color to do it. I also found out I'd have to refresh it every 2 weeks b/c it would fade. Once I told her about the IVF she said how sad I looked when I couldn't get the purple....and she understood. Turns out the hairdresser is going through IUI and is having her procedure in a couple of days. It was nice to talk to someone who could relate. She's 30 and has had 4 miscarriages this year. Strangely that comforted me. There was actually someone else out there who is working and living every day dealing with all of this. I needed some purple to get me out of my funk. Oh well, I like my hair though...and I'm just going to have to ride the wave of funk and hope (I hate that word "hope") this all works out.

Dear Lupron

You suck. I hate you. You make me feel horrible. You make me gain 3 pounds the moment I start your injections. I woke up with a headache this morning.....coincidentally I went to bed with one too...and it's all because of you. Why? Lupron. Why? I can't think straight and I'm depressed. I haven't been depressed for the past 4 months that you weren't in my life so I know it's you. You make me fear menopause. You make my husband quake in fear too. Did I mention you suck? YOU SUCK! The end.

Day 12 on Lupron.

20 to go.

What do IVF and On-line Dating have in common?

My mom was widowed about 3 years ago and just recently started on-line dating. She said she wasn't sure she could take on-line dating because she didn't know if she could handle rejection or if anyone wasn't nice to her. I said that if she felt that way she shouldn't do it and that on-line dating definitely requires you to have an emotional suit of armor. The same is true of going through IVF.

People say things, really unbelievable things, to you. Sometimes they know what you are going through and sometimes they don't. I go to a support group at my fertility clinic. Some of the famous one-liners that we hear all the time from friends and relatives are: "you should just relax and take a vacation." and "well, at least you get to "try" a lot". Of course neither of these has anything to do with the situation or with IVF. This long process has taught me that I do better if I don't expect people to say the right thing....because it's most likely that they won't.

I went to a baby shower for my cousin. I pulled into my spot in the parking lot and I didn't want to get out of the car. It was definitely not an easy event to attend but I wanted to be strong and get through it. I didn't want to be one of those people who can't look at a baby or wasn't happy for other people who are able to get pregnant. There were 80 people there. It was huge. I walked up to the front, someone took my gift, my aunt hugged me, put her hand on my belly and said "anything yet?". My mouth dropped open. I practically ran to the table where my mom and sister were sitting. I didn't cry or break down. I just thought, well, the worst thing that could happen just did and that's over with. Unfreakin' believable.....but over with. I told them the story and grabbed some champagne punch.

Here's the thing. My aunt loves me...and I know how much she wants this for me. It was just, well, really, really wrong. It wasn't meant to hurt me, but well, I'm still not sure how she (who moved on to adoption due to her own fertility issues) could say that but it's ok. I went into that shower with my suit of armor on and I got through it. I may have even upgraded the armor after that day.

My husband and I went to a baptism recently for the latest addition to his side of the family. We were sitting at the table with his Mom and Dad and some other people. A childhood family friend of his Dad's came over and was telling us about his family. He had 3 sons and 3 grandchildren. He was telling us all about them. Then, he says to my in-laws "Do you have any grandchildren?" They say no and he says "Oh, I thought I was doing bad with three!" Um, dude, we're sitting RIGHT HERE and you have no idea what our situation is. Seriously? I felt bad that my in-laws had to feel the sting of that comment since that's not something they usually have to deal with. My husband and I though, had a big laugh about it in the car. WHAT A JERK! We made it our (really asshole) quote of the day!

I can't say I always have my armor on. It's at these times, when you're with people you feel really should understand or you're in a vulnerable situation that it's really difficult to handle unexpected comments.

I was in the hospital for a D&E because there was no heartbeat on the 8 week ultrasound of my 2nd pregnancy. They wheel me into the operating room. All I was trying to do was keep things light and talk about anything but what was happening. Most of the staff understands this and they definitely don't want you to get agitated or upset. One nurse, starts asking me questions...as they are tying my arms to the table. "Do I have any children?" (internal: No Bitch! I don't have any children and I just had a miscarriage so really shut the hell up") Then it comes up that I did IVF and she just starts asking me about that. Apparently she was just starting her first IVF cycle. I'm tied to a table, scared about the surgery and totally dumbfounded at the insensitivity of this person. I just answer her questions ...barely able to get the answers out, but I don't even have the will to tell her off. I'm just shocked.....and really glad when they put me out with the anesthesia. All I can think is that she was so wrapped up in what was going on with her that she didn't have any idea what she was saying.

Any of these comments could cause a person in my position to ball my eyes out or get really pissed off. They really could. In the beginning they did. Dealing with fertility issues is like having an open wound sometimes. It's been one of the most challenging things I've had to deal with in my entire life. But it's also been a journey. It's made my marriage stronger and it's made me realize that I can't control everything. IVF can make or break you and your marriage. So if you're thinking of doing IVF......

Suit up! Prepare for the battle!....and share your quote of the day!

Today is another day.

We took a few months after the last failed IVF. All I wanted was to feel like myself again....and, it took a while. I started to lose some weight. I started to have regular cycles again. My life didn't have to revolve around the IVF schedule. I even forgot the number to our IVF office and had to look it up. We renovated our back family room and turned it into a master bedroom over the summer.
Now, we have an extra room for a baby if one decides to come along. I started to concentrate on my photography business, which has really taken off. I've discovered that I really love maternity and newborn photography. It's not sad or weird to me at all. It's actually totally ok and really fun.

We also had some major discussions with our IVF practice. They wanted to help us out, but we didn't know how much they wanted to help us. Since we were out of money, we really needed them to come through or else we wouldn't get a chance with another donor. Luckily, they did. With some help from family, we are going to be able to do one more cycle.

So, here we go again. Last month I started the Pill. As soon as I started taking it I could feel hormonal changes. I didn't realize how much that would affect me. Then last week, I started Lupron. Oh boy. I felt that one from day one. Last night I was up with night sweats.....and two hours later I went back to bed and was freezing. I got choked up at a note on a Christmas card yesterday too. Let the Lupron crazy begin. I still have a month to go before the transfer even happens. I just hope it goes fast.

I'm trying hard to pretend that I'm not doing IVF right now at all. I'm a little afraid that hope is going to creep in and that excitement will follow soon after. Especially during the holidays, it's hard not to picture us with a baby next year.....or how it will be if we don't have one. The first time I got pregnant, my due date was 12/23, which I just realized is today. Wow. If things had worked out I'd have a 2 year old. But it's the journey right? We are stronger than we ever thought we could be. Let's just hope it takes us to a happy place in the end....a happy, sleep-deprived, spit up on place.

Wow, I'm so sad for me.... ;P

I just read my last 2 posts in 2009 and thought, wow, that's like a book or movie. I couldn't believe how sad it was or that it was actually me that went through all of this. I've been watching that Giulana & Bill reality show and I usually cry during it because I totally relate to what they are going through. It was strange tonight reading my own blog post and totally relating to myself. It's almost like "How did that couple ever handle that?" Then, oh right...that's me. So.....back to the story.

I was going to cut the story short because I wanted to say we are OK. The last part is really sad and honestly, that's not all my husband and I are through this whole journey. We've tried really hard to keep our lives fun and (even though we have no money anymore) keep a good perspective.

However, I guess you really can't have an idea how hard that has been unless you know where we've been. Let's start with the numbers and the details. IVF coverage in Pennsylvania sucks! My coverage was for $10k, 1/2 of which was spent on initial testing. Basically, an fresh IVF cycle costs about $12K, a frozen IVF cycle costs $3K and meds are a different story alltogether. We did 3 fresh IVFs and 1 frozen before we moved onto donor egg. The cost of a donor cycle is about $25K. When I found out I was being laid off from my job, I stockpiled as many meds as I could in the 8 weeks I had left....so luckily, this tookabout $3k off the price. My mom helped us out with this cycle from $$ she had from my grandmother so that was a huge help.

When the donor cycle didn't work, I was really blown away. Not only for us, but I really wanted it to work b/c my mom wanted to help us so much. It was really hard. We had 9 embryos left from this same cycle. We did a 2nd cycle that was frozen and that was negative. We did a 3rd cycle and that was disastrous. On 3rd cycle, I could almost predict how bad it was going to be. It was strange how catastrophic became amusing....because it had to be or else it would be devastating.

I knew from the very first donor cycle that something was wrong. I just knew that my response versus this donor's response were not dissimilar enough....and they should have been. My doctor's office kept acting like I was over-reacting (which I was not) and that I was a total bitch (which I was).

So, we had 4 embryos. 2 didn't make it through the thaw. (None of my embryos ever arrested during a thaw.) Then, the other 2 didn't continue to divide. I laughed when the embryologist told me this because that's all i could do. I KNEW IT! I predicted it! I KNEW something was wrong. I knew we would wind up using the 6 embryos of our own that we had frozen....and that's what we did.

The doctor came into the waiting room that day and (after denying any problem in the 2 previous cycles) starting talking about humidity and lab temp and how they checked everything. I (who just wanted to do this lousy embryo transfer and get the hell out of there) realized that this was finally an admission that something was wrong...really wrong. I was trying to hold it together with humor until he started saying that no matter what happened they didn't want us to walk away empty handed. I started to cry. And....I couldn't stop. I had never done this in my drs. office before. And, as I walked passed the receptionist's desk on the way to the transfer room, I could see there were nurses and office people all huddled there. They all knew that this was a bad day for us....and they all didn't know what to do.

As I had the 5 embryos I had left transferred, I knew these we unlikely to work. I commented to the doctor how this used to be such a fun, exciting day for my husband and I. We used to be so excited and hopeful during the embryo transfer.....and now I can't stop crying. Afterward, the doctor held my hand and wished us luck....I told him to go kill a chicken or do whatever he had to do. (The sarcasm just turned on....that's what I do) I was still crying until the moment we left.

And....the pregnancy test was negative.

Now, that's a really, really bad day for us. This could be a make or break day. 7 IVfs and nothing to show for it. It's a hard thing to take for sure.

But....we are ok. WE ARE OK!

Still on the IVF hamster wheel!

It's been a long time since what was going to be my last post and so much has happened. It is seriously a whole year since I've even looked at this blog. I was really surprised to see that over 2600 people have viewed it. I hope that it helped some of you out there going through the same thing.

So! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this is the post where I say "Oh, now we have a baby and blah blah blah" and you think "Oh man, you suck, you're just like all the others". Well, sorry for us to say it is not that blog post. But while it's not, this also isn't going to be a sad or depressing post. Before I give you an update on everything that's happened, let me just say that my husband and I are ok. We really are. We're a lot poorer than when we started, but a lot of great things have happened in our lives in the past year along with all the hard stuff.

So, here it goes. January 2010. We decided after our last cycle that my eggs were crap and moved on to donor egg. At first I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that the baby wouldn't be genetically mine. Then, as the cycle started and the 70% success rate that my clinic was at so far for the year, I started to get very excited. Excitement and hope....hmmmm Danger Will Robinson, Danger!

(technical jargon alert) We had 18 fertilized embryos. We froze 9 immediately at 2pn and let the other 9 culture. I started to get a little worried the day of our transfer when our best embies were 1-8cell and 1-7 cell. I thought we'd have a lot more 8 cells. But, the doctor was practically giddy and assured me they were great because they were already compacting.

I guess I've done way too many IVFs at this point b/c I looked at the photo and thought "wow, that's a lot of fragmentation for a 23 year olds eggs". and...I thought, "it's way too early for the embryos to be compacting". But in the end, I bought what my doctor was selling and changed out all my clothes in my closet for maternity clothes. I even disregarded the fact that none of the other 7 made it to quality blastocysts for freezing.

Whatever hope blinders I had on set me up for a big fall the day we found out we weren't pregnant. It was a really hard one to take and I gave my IVF office an earful!

We went on to get a 2nd opinion, and then to do a frozen cycle with 5 of the other 9. None of these made it beyond 4-cells. Also BFN. I seriously considered wearing a hat on our transfer day that said "if you tell me to think positive I will kick you in the balls". But, there were too many women in the office to make that threat actionable.

The kicker cycle. We gave it one last effort with the remaining 4. 2 didn't make it through the thaw and the other 2 arrested and did not continue to divide. In other words, it was a major catastrophe. Not at all what should have happened on a donor cycle. I'll forever be convinced it was a lab error of some kind, but I'll never know what actually happened.

Since then we've taken about 3 months to feel normal again. I've lost another 10 lbs. and concentrated on my business. The good news is that my business is really starting to take off. My husband got a new job and a nice raise, which has helped with me not having any income while I'm starting my business. We still have no IVF coverage of course...thank you Pennsylvania.

Well, that's enough of an update for you to take in tonight. I'll share more soon.