You know that Star Trek TNG episode where they are stuck in the time loop and re-live the same day over and over again? Then, when they start to realize what's happening they can sense all the things they've never done before? That's where I am right now. It's all very familiar, yet different.
I went in for a morning blood test today (familiar) of 12 tubes (not familiar). The last time I had to give that much blood was during my original fertility testing. Half way through I started to get light-headed and the nurse actually used smelling salts on me. (I didn't know that stuff was even real.) So, this time I warned her and we went to a procedure room to lay down. No problem! (and I got some grape juice...sweet!)
So, I talked to the other nurse during my ultrasound (familiar) and found out the scoop on all the blood. Apparently they take nutrients from it and use it during the coculture to "feed the embryos" along with my endometrial lining (not familiar). Sounds gross but I'm very psyched about it! Not only have I read a lot on the internet about this procedure being very good for poor quality embryos and women my age, but one of them was written by my doctor. And, there's only a few states where they do co-culturing...I'm not sure why.
So I'm doing all the same types of things I did before, just for different reasons. I have the IVF process so down pat that it's strange to have to remind myself what to do next this time around.
Oh, off topic..... so then, after the u/s, the nurse almost made me cry. I was telling her that this was my last shot at IVF and she said that maybe it will be my last shot because I'll never, ever have to do it again because I'll be pregnant. Then she said something about having twins and that I deserved a 2 for 1 at this point. Chica, don't you know not to go there? We try not to let our minds go down that road too much, it's too hard to get back on the path of reality if we do.
I'm kind of amazed though and how close it all is to the surface, that one little comment like that can make me tear up. Unless I'm in the middle of a major hormonal drop, most of the time I seem to be going on day to day just living my life, working on my photography business, planning vacations, spending time with friends.....but then I eat a bag of chips and dip for no reason or I drink an entire bottle of wine with not much help from my husband. It's right there just below the surface...all the time. All the time. (very familiar)
Friday, August 21, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
There's no sex in IVF
The #3 in the top 3 things not to say to someone doing IVF. Let's review: 1) Just relax and take a vacation 2) Try not to think about it and yes, you guessed it.... 3) At least you get to have fun trying.
Yeah, well, there is no fun "trying" in IVF. Most of the time, you have so many extreme symptoms and discomfort that bodily contact is strictly out of the question (if you know what's good for you!). The rest of the time, you have to use condoms and try NOT to get pregnant or take antibiotics to kill any bacteria or germs. I always knew boys had cooties but this is a bit over the top. And, since the IVF suppression cycle requires you to take birth control pills (BCPs) for a few weeks, this causes you to start spotting on and off the entire time.
So there's a small time frame when you're finished your last cycle (after a week of cramps from hell) and not fully into the next where you can be normal for a just a second. It's that point where your ovaries are no longer the size of tennis balls and your boobs feel normal again. You maybe, just maybe would consider letting someone touch them.
So I'm in "the window" RIGHT NOW, and then the nurse tells me to go to the store and buy Monistat vaginal yeast infection cream and use it for 3 days. really????????????????? ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! seriously???????????? I think it has something to do with the coculture but damn, can't they just give me a pill?
The fertility gods laugh and laugh.........bastards!
So, there is definitely no sex in the champagne room for us right now. sigh
Yeah, well, there is no fun "trying" in IVF. Most of the time, you have so many extreme symptoms and discomfort that bodily contact is strictly out of the question (if you know what's good for you!). The rest of the time, you have to use condoms and try NOT to get pregnant or take antibiotics to kill any bacteria or germs. I always knew boys had cooties but this is a bit over the top. And, since the IVF suppression cycle requires you to take birth control pills (BCPs) for a few weeks, this causes you to start spotting on and off the entire time.
So there's a small time frame when you're finished your last cycle (after a week of cramps from hell) and not fully into the next where you can be normal for a just a second. It's that point where your ovaries are no longer the size of tennis balls and your boobs feel normal again. You maybe, just maybe would consider letting someone touch them.
So I'm in "the window" RIGHT NOW, and then the nurse tells me to go to the store and buy Monistat vaginal yeast infection cream and use it for 3 days. really????????????????? ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! seriously???????????? I think it has something to do with the coculture but damn, can't they just give me a pill?
The fertility gods laugh and laugh.........bastards!
So, there is definitely no sex in the champagne room for us right now. sigh
Friday, August 14, 2009
the fun continues
All lowercase......nuf said
I'm in NC this week. My brother and his family rented a house here and he asked me too. It's so nice to get away, but it's also hard to get away with the limbo of IVF. I've been on the phone with my drs office countless times trying to coordinate what we should do for our next cycle. One person tells me it's not a problem, the next says "well you're not in town so I'm not sure this is going to work out". Frick people! I need to have a life! I can't just sit at home and wait to NOT be pregnant!
So, here I am. I spoke with the dr on Tuesday. There was a suggestion a few months ago about a new "idea" that doing a D&C could "reboot" your system and make your IVF more successful. Well, I've not been able to find anything out there (aka on the internet) indicating this is true. I've actually found lots of notes saying that the opposite might be true and the risks involved in doing a D&C. Honestly though, it's more of an emotional decision to do that procedure for me. It's not something I ever wanted to do once, but had to....much less CHOOSE to do!
After talking it over with my doctor, he didn't have any concrete evidence that this would help me....so we nixed the idea. I suggested another course of action (yeah I know, shouldn't the doctor be doing that?) and he was all for it. I suggested a doing a fresh cycle, letting all the embryos get to blastocyst stage (120 cells) and doing a co-culture biopsy. OK, in non-ivfer terms here is what that means. Instead of waiting 3 days and seeing if the embryos get to 6 or 8 cells, you wait 5-6 days and see how many make it to blastocysts. Blastocysts are much more likely to implant...but at my age, it's a risk. The other risk is that embryos do much better in the womb than they do in a petri dish. That's where the co-cultured biopsy comes in. In the cycle before my ivf cycle (which is what I'm working on now) they will do a biopsy and take some of my lining. They will freeze this, then put it in with my embryos next cycle to help them grow.
Studies have shown this to be very helpful, but it is still considered experimental. Still, it's much less experimental than a pointless D&C.
So, that's the plan. We're taking a chance that none will make it to blastocyst...but both D and I feel like we need to change it up. What we've been doing feels too much like a shot in the dark and we need to increase the odds. Cross your fingers! Away we go....again!
I'm in NC this week. My brother and his family rented a house here and he asked me too. It's so nice to get away, but it's also hard to get away with the limbo of IVF. I've been on the phone with my drs office countless times trying to coordinate what we should do for our next cycle. One person tells me it's not a problem, the next says "well you're not in town so I'm not sure this is going to work out". Frick people! I need to have a life! I can't just sit at home and wait to NOT be pregnant!
So, here I am. I spoke with the dr on Tuesday. There was a suggestion a few months ago about a new "idea" that doing a D&C could "reboot" your system and make your IVF more successful. Well, I've not been able to find anything out there (aka on the internet) indicating this is true. I've actually found lots of notes saying that the opposite might be true and the risks involved in doing a D&C. Honestly though, it's more of an emotional decision to do that procedure for me. It's not something I ever wanted to do once, but had to....much less CHOOSE to do!
After talking it over with my doctor, he didn't have any concrete evidence that this would help me....so we nixed the idea. I suggested another course of action (yeah I know, shouldn't the doctor be doing that?) and he was all for it. I suggested a doing a fresh cycle, letting all the embryos get to blastocyst stage (120 cells) and doing a co-culture biopsy. OK, in non-ivfer terms here is what that means. Instead of waiting 3 days and seeing if the embryos get to 6 or 8 cells, you wait 5-6 days and see how many make it to blastocysts. Blastocysts are much more likely to implant...but at my age, it's a risk. The other risk is that embryos do much better in the womb than they do in a petri dish. That's where the co-cultured biopsy comes in. In the cycle before my ivf cycle (which is what I'm working on now) they will do a biopsy and take some of my lining. They will freeze this, then put it in with my embryos next cycle to help them grow.
Studies have shown this to be very helpful, but it is still considered experimental. Still, it's much less experimental than a pointless D&C.
So, that's the plan. We're taking a chance that none will make it to blastocyst...but both D and I feel like we need to change it up. What we've been doing feels too much like a shot in the dark and we need to increase the odds. Cross your fingers! Away we go....again!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
No diversions
Once again that whole "just don't think about it" phrase makes me crack the fuck up! Yeah I said it! My mom entered a local cooking contest that had to do with the movie release of Julie&Julia. Each contestant had to recreate one of Julia Child's recipes and today there was a big cookoff for prizes. My mom wasn't a finalist, but we went to the cookoff and we got to see the movie too.
So you would think it's just a cooking movie right? What could it possibly have to remind me of our fertility issues? Well, apparently Julia Child didn't meet her husband until she was almost 40, so she could never have children. She learned to cook because she loved to eat and didn't have anything better to do. Of course, it turned out wonderfully for her, but in the movie she'd walk by a baby stroller and look sad....or find out her sister was pregnant and break down crying. It was a good movie, but once again an impossible diversion.
I wonder if that will be me. Will I be someone who moves on from wanting a family and focuses on other things in my life? Would I really be happy or would I be secretly yearning? I'm so invested emotionally and financially in this scenario right now that the thought of it not coming to fruition scares me. I don't always want to be someone secretly sad because I couldn't start a family. If it happens to turn out that way, I hope I am lucky enough to find a passion like Julia did for cooking.
So you would think it's just a cooking movie right? What could it possibly have to remind me of our fertility issues? Well, apparently Julia Child didn't meet her husband until she was almost 40, so she could never have children. She learned to cook because she loved to eat and didn't have anything better to do. Of course, it turned out wonderfully for her, but in the movie she'd walk by a baby stroller and look sad....or find out her sister was pregnant and break down crying. It was a good movie, but once again an impossible diversion.
I wonder if that will be me. Will I be someone who moves on from wanting a family and focuses on other things in my life? Would I really be happy or would I be secretly yearning? I'm so invested emotionally and financially in this scenario right now that the thought of it not coming to fruition scares me. I don't always want to be someone secretly sad because I couldn't start a family. If it happens to turn out that way, I hope I am lucky enough to find a passion like Julia did for cooking.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Onward!
The pregnancy test was negative as expected. A little part of me was still hoping, but I got most of my "sad" out on Saturday so I'm ok. I bought some REALLY good wine that I will be consoling myself with tonight.
One thing I like about my RE's office is that they don't have the doctors call with the positives and the nurses call with the negatives. It's been 50/50 so far. This time, I did get to speak to the doctor directly so that was good.
He still thinks we have an excellent shot at our own baby. And, that there are no other factors involved except for my age. After talking it over with D, we decided to do one more fresh cycle. If that doesn't work, we'll do more FET's to use up all our frozen embryos. The good thing about frozen embryos is that they are in limbo at the age they were when they were fertilized. I could put them in tomorrow or in 5years and the result would be the same. With a fresh cycle, success rates drop drastically the more past 40 you are. I have a very finite amount of time I can attempt a fresh cycle....so if I'm going to do it, now is the time.
The other thing we considered is that we already have all the meds for a fresh cycle. It was very nice having 8 weeks notice that I was going to be out of a job, so I took full advantage and ordered as many fertility meds as possible. I thought I'd also have enough for another frozen round, but due to my cyst, I used Lupron for 5 weeks instead of 2.
The big $$ prescription is the one for the fresh cycle. One Gonal-F pen costs between $700-$900. I need 7 for each IVF cycle. You do the math!
So, here we go again.....I don't really like the rollercoaster ride, but I'm not ready to get off.
One thing I like about my RE's office is that they don't have the doctors call with the positives and the nurses call with the negatives. It's been 50/50 so far. This time, I did get to speak to the doctor directly so that was good.
He still thinks we have an excellent shot at our own baby. And, that there are no other factors involved except for my age. After talking it over with D, we decided to do one more fresh cycle. If that doesn't work, we'll do more FET's to use up all our frozen embryos. The good thing about frozen embryos is that they are in limbo at the age they were when they were fertilized. I could put them in tomorrow or in 5years and the result would be the same. With a fresh cycle, success rates drop drastically the more past 40 you are. I have a very finite amount of time I can attempt a fresh cycle....so if I'm going to do it, now is the time.
The other thing we considered is that we already have all the meds for a fresh cycle. It was very nice having 8 weeks notice that I was going to be out of a job, so I took full advantage and ordered as many fertility meds as possible. I thought I'd also have enough for another frozen round, but due to my cyst, I used Lupron for 5 weeks instead of 2.
The big $$ prescription is the one for the fresh cycle. One Gonal-F pen costs between $700-$900. I need 7 for each IVF cycle. You do the math!
So, here we go again.....I don't really like the rollercoaster ride, but I'm not ready to get off.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Well.....
....it's a good thing I found a deal on pregnancy tests on ebay, b/c I've taken one every morning for the past 4 days. Today is 15dpo or 12dp3dt. This means that if I were not on progesterone, I would have had my period yesterday at 14 days past ovulation. I haven't been able to figure out why my RE's office tests on day 17, except for a few notes on the internet about late implanation during FET, I'm assuming it's just to torture people. Realistically though, if the home pregnancy test isn't positive today it's not going to be positive.
So, we're back to where we started. No April baby for me. I had a bit of a meltdown about it all on Saturday. I just spent 3 months of my life on this one cycle. I took lupron for FIVE weeks! And it's all for nothing. It's a hard thing to take. I didn't even have the stress from work this time. I'm wondering how far to keep going with this. Are the chances really 20% as they say or much, much lower?
I just don't know if this is going to happen for us.
UPDATE: I called the RE's office just for my piece of mind. I asked why the BETA was scheduled for 14 days past the transfer. They said it was just easier to figure on the calendar they gave me. uuugh...seriously? But, they did say I could come in tomorrow instead and end the torture once and for all. They also said it's possible to have a low BETA that wouldn't show on a HPT....but I know the chances of this are slim. sigh. I'm thankful my support group is meeting tonight. I'm hoping it will help.
So, we're back to where we started. No April baby for me. I had a bit of a meltdown about it all on Saturday. I just spent 3 months of my life on this one cycle. I took lupron for FIVE weeks! And it's all for nothing. It's a hard thing to take. I didn't even have the stress from work this time. I'm wondering how far to keep going with this. Are the chances really 20% as they say or much, much lower?
I just don't know if this is going to happen for us.
UPDATE: I called the RE's office just for my piece of mind. I asked why the BETA was scheduled for 14 days past the transfer. They said it was just easier to figure on the calendar they gave me. uuugh...seriously? But, they did say I could come in tomorrow instead and end the torture once and for all. They also said it's possible to have a low BETA that wouldn't show on a HPT....but I know the chances of this are slim. sigh. I'm thankful my support group is meeting tonight. I'm hoping it will help.
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