Sanity post 1

Well, on the grand scheme of my IVF sanity, I think I'm doing pretty well. That's not to say that I'm not thinking about the countdown every single minute of every single day, but at least I'm pretending that I'm not. I'm trying to keep myself busy by focusing on my photography. I've taken a few webinars and actually have planned 2 photo shoots in the next couple of weeks. Of course, one is a maternity shoot and the other is a newborn shoot, but they will be fun to do nonetheless. At least now I'm scouring the internet for baby shots with a whole different purpose. That's somewhat sane right?

We're also waiting to get started on our kitchen renovation. We have one contractor left to give us an estimate before we chose and I hope he gets back to us today....else my brain will surely explode.

One of my least favorite things to do.....waiting. Yet, it's all I do. Seems like an evil plot of the universe no?

Hurdles!

Maybe over the next week or so I'll make a few posts about how the waiting is whittling away at it my sanity....but I won't be posting about the outcome of this IVF. I know I've said it before, but since this is our last try we won't be posting the outcome either way for quite a while.

The reason we're not posting anything is because getting pregnant is just the first hurdle. We have the heartbeat, then the CVS screening, then the first trimester to get through. Chances of miscarriage at my age can be as much as 50%. Once we get passed all of these hurdles....we'll let you know how it went.

Thanks so much for being there to support us and I know the waiting will be just as hard on you as it is for me right now.

The post transfer AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

A sigh of relief! When we arrived at the RE's office there were a few people ahead of us. Good thing because I realized I forgot to drink any water. They ask you to drink a lot of water b/c it helps the position of the uterus for the transfer. Since I have a retroverted uterus I don't have to drink too much. So, while waiting I started downing the 2 large cups of water they brought me. Then, Dr. S came in (aka Mr. No Pain Biopsy Doctor...love him!). He gave us a pic of our FOUR BLASTS! That's right FOUR! Turns out 2 were from this cycle and 2 were thawed out from our first IVF cycle. We actually have all 4 of our morulas make it to blast, but 2 were missing the ICM. In the coolness part 2 section of today's posts, I'll explain what that means below.

Anyway, we went in for our transfer. Again, it was pretty uncomfortable for me. The have to really angle that speculum in a bad way b/c of my curved uterus. Hopefully it will be well worth it. We are so excited!!!

Here's a pic of our blasts. The 2 on the left are fresh and the 2 on the right were frozen.


Here's the coolness factor of the blastocyst! It's only about 100 cells, but the cells have already separated into their future parts. (this is not my embryo)



"Another image of a high quality human blastocyst
The cells which will become the fetus are in the area marked as "ICM" (inner cell mass)
The blastocoel cavity in the center is marked as "C"
The trophectoderm cells that will form the placenta surround the cavity - one is marked with a "T""

Yes, we have some morulas.....we have some morulas today!

Actually yesterday, but you get the idea. The term the embryologist used was "compacting"...we had 4 compacting embryos as of yesterday as well as 1-10 cell, 1-9 cell, 1- 8 cell and the rest of 6's, 5's and 2-4's. The 2-4 cells had not doubled since the previous day so they are peetering out. But, the great news is that, as of yesterday we had 4 compacting embryos which means they are exactly on track for day 4 development. Of course, as soon as I got off the phone I had to google more info on morulas(it's what I do). It gave me chills reading about it....I was just amazed. Check out this cool pic (not my embryo) and explanation.



"This is a compacting morula. There are many cells and the cell borders are becoming fuzzy as the embryo "compacts". With compaction it looks as though the cells are "melting together". A morula contains about 10-30 cells. The morula stage is the final stage prior to formation of a fluid filled cavity called the blastocoel cavity.

Embryo arrest at the morula stage is not uncommon, which is one reason that transfer at the blastocyst stage can be a beneficial IVF treatment strategy."

Well, since I haven't received my day 5 results yet, we'll totally ignore the last sentence and think happy, happy thoughts about blastocysts.

So, think hopeful thoughts for us that our embryos made it through to blast. So far we have had every indication that this extreme change in protocol was the right one, but today is the next big hurdle. There's always a chance we could walk in for our transfer today and find out that none of them made it through this stage.

I know, I know, happy thoughts.....this is why they gave me the valium for today!
I must find the happy place!

Aw Snap!!!!

I set my alarm for 7am since the drs office was calling between 7-7:30. I then proceeded to torture D out of his dream state. Apparently, if you make little noises in someone's ear it is very, very loud to them. Who knew????? ;P

They called around 8 so by then we were totally awake. We couldn't believe the news.

Now let me preface by saying that in the last 2 cycles the best results we had was 1-8 cell embryo and a couple 5 and 6's and the rest were all 4s. Today, we have SIX - 8 cells, 1- 6cell, 2-5cell and 7-4cell. The criteria for going to blastocyst at my clinic is 5- 8 cells so we are officially going to a 5 day transfer.

I am so stunned at the difference the co-culture has made. I wish they suggested it sooner. (Oh wait, I was the one who suggested it..but I digress.) We only expect to get 2 or 3 blasts to transfer, but the idea is that those will be the strong ones with no age-related abnormalities. Think lots of healthy growing embryonic thoughts will ya?

Day 2

The Day 2 results don't really say much usually. Except.......for the fact that I have this blog and can compare my day 2 results with my previous 2 ivf cycles. BONANZA!

OK so here it is:

IVF #1 IVF #2 IVF#3

......... ......... 1-5cell

2-4cell 1-4cell 3-4cell

3-3cell 3-3cell 5-3cell

9-2cell 11-2cell 7-2cell


Now THESE results are something to be excited about!!! (and also prove that my 2nd cycle with the Lupron protocol totally sucked!) I also just realized that for a cycle I thought had the least follicles of them all, we ended up with the most embryos. Wow! Now we just wait and hope the co-culturing continues to do its stuff and we have a good amount of 8-cells by tomorrow AM. We'll talk to the embryologist then and make the call on a 3 day or 5 day transfer.

Oooooo, did you feel that??? That was another twinge of hope. uh oh!

Egger'date

19 retrieved, 18 mature (which I'm stunned to hear) and 16 fertilized!!!!

There were so many small follicles on the u/s I can't believe that almost all were actually mature. This part is so exciting yet I hate having hope. It'll be like jumping off Niagara if this one doesn't work.

I'm still a bit sore, but I'm down to just tylenol instead of tylenol with codeine. I was up a bit around 5am when all my meds wore off, but D hooked me up with the heating pad and it all calmed down again. I like how in the doctor's discharge instructions they write it like you're going to think about going to the gym that day or something. Oh, and don't lift more than 20 lbs. DUUUUDE, I CAN'T GET OFF THE COUCH AND I'M HAPPY TO BE ABLE TO PEE NORMALLY!!!!

oops. tmi... and yes, if my doctor can call my eggs "juicy" I believe I can refer to him indirectly as dude. Off to have mass quantities of caffeinated tea while I can!

Go eggers!!!

Originally, I created this blog so that my friends and family could check on my "fertility status" without having to ask me all the time...and so that they could know what goes into this whole arduous process. But....I don't always think in those terms when I'm venting and ranting on a daily basis....it's more a stream of consciousness of my current state of insanity. So, when you see me next, please pretend I did not tell you about my "juicy" ovaries or how much I've been peeing lately! :P

Thanks to everyone who was checking today to see how my retrieval went. I blame the percocet and tylenol with codeine for my inability to put sentences together. The retrieval went well and I'm just resting and a little crampy now. After the past few days, it's a walk in the park. I was very glad to get those little eggers out. I told D I felt like a Jiffy Pop bag ready to burst...but at least I wasn't nauseous anymore!

The anesthesiologist started my pain meds before the doctor came in. First, I felt a little loopy, then I noticed that the lights in the ceiling looked like I was being pushed on a gurney down the hallway, but I wasn't moving. Pretty cool! Next thing you know, I woke up and it was over. I said how I hadn't even seen the doctor. The nurse told me that I had seen him and even said hi....then she corrected and said "actually you said 'Ciao". Em...barrrasssssinnnng!!!!

Apparently, they gave me a new med in my iv that they thought would help with my asthma. The effect was to totally dry out my mouth and throat. When I woke up, my lips were stuck to my gums and I immediately drank 2 full glasses of water. It's been almost 12 hours since the procedure and my voice is still dry and raspy. It's a good time to try out my version of "Betty Davis Eyes"!

Ok, ok, I'll cut to the chase, don't bury the lead I know, I know. So, although it was a lackluster start.....NINETEEN eggs were retrieved!!!! Of course, a bunch of these were more like 10mm than 16mm so they may not be mature enough to fertilize. We'll have the fertilization results tomorrow morning so cross your fingers!

From there, we'll see how they grow with the co-culture and decide how to proceed from there. Go eggers!!!!

Bleh and Frick!

Well, after my last post things took a turn for the worse. I was overcome by major fatigue and nausea. I slept 3 hours in the afternoon and another 2 later in the day. I finally got up to eat some dinner, then paid for that with major intestinal distress for a few hours. The doctor thinks it may not be side effects from the meds but my high estrogen levels. Lovely.

He almost told me that I had to stim another day....I was like "no way, seriously?" So, they let me take my trigger shot tonight. This means, no more meds and my retrieval will be Monday AM.

My dr was all with the "how can you be having this reaction when you're 41?". This type of severe reaction is more a 28 year old than 41 year old...blah blah blah...so is the getting pregnant part. He actually called my ovaries "juicy". ew....and weird.

I just spent the day sleeping yet again...but I feel it may be starting to lift. I'm in a semi-upright position right now so there's hope.

Frick!

Kelita said it best earlier today, referring to my current state as the "hatchery". And the hatchery is not progressing very quickly. There was a good amount of follicles, but most were in the 13-14mm range with 1 or 2 at 16mm. We need to get as many as possible at 16mm or more. The rub is that my estrogen levels are high. So, they are cutting out my growth hormone and "coasting" me on the Menopur. Menopur is all about the quality....so hopefully we will get where we need to be REALLY QUICK!

During the u/s it was clear the my ovaries are so large that they are right next to each other. CRAZY! I'm one of those lil' desk things with the metal balls...lovely! No wonder I can't do anything without getting sore. The drugs are really wiping me out. I'm still really nauseous and just took a 3 hour nap. What sucks is all this resting is soon to be followed by recuperating and then followed by more bedrest. bleh. So much for the last nice days of summer.

I don't know what the slow growth really means....maybe it's not a good sign or a bad sigh.....I know it's a nauseous sign. bleh

A whole new wave!

It's 3am and it's the nausea wave I'm riding today. I'm on day 4 of ganerilix. I had to start it a little early b/c my estrogen levels were high. Nausea, unfortunately, is one of the side effects. D rolled over and suddenly I felt like I was on the Bering Sea on a Deadliest Catch boat. I don't remember having this before, or being so freakin' uncomfortable that my ovaries woke me up in the middle of the night. Alas, this is my lot this time. I'm REALLY hoping they will tell me I can take my trigger shot at tomorrow's appt. That means all the meds would finally stop.

I weighed in at WW this morning, but only lost a 1/2 lb. I'm assuming it's b/c of the giant follicles in me right now. I'm drinking lots of water, but it's not all coming out the other way. Can you say water retention?

It's so hard just sitting around doing nothing right now. I have so many projects I want to do before it gets too cold. I'm all ready to go with painting and redecorating our bathroom....the ladder is in the hallway and the paint is purchased. It's all on hold because I realized if I started I wouldn't be able to finish for a few weeks. Painting during the two week wait is not really a good idea.

I won't even mention the debacle going on with our kitchen renovation contractor. I'm trying to stay as zen as possible. He's not helping.

Turn on the waterworks!!!

I had another follow up appt today. Unfortunately, my follicle growth has stalled since I had to start taking ganirelix. They did say it would start up again, but my retrieval will be a few days later now. oh well.

So I came home and decided to give my dog a haircut. I think I took on a little too much. I was feeling fine when I started, but by the the time I finished vacuuming up her hair, my left side was extremely sore. I took 2 acetaminophen and decided to chill a while and watch the Sex and The City movie....again.

Next thing you know, I'm sobbing through the whole movie. Oh boy, the hormones have kicked in. My side was still sore by the end, so next I tried a bath. It did help but I took it easy and watched P.S. I Love You. Nothing like a story about grieving for your dead husband to send a hormonal girl over the edge. Cried through movie #2!

I can't believe I have to go on a few more days like this. I know, I know, Poor Dan! oy!

Oh yeah, so last night when I was giving myself the shot I noticed a bruise from a previous shot. It was sore and felt like there was lump. So I rubbed it a bit. During my bath I looked and down and realized what I thought was a shadow was really a 4" x 2" bruise where the lump had been. nice!

Ride the wave!

Support!

D and I were debating whether to go to our support group last night. First, he said no b/c we don't have that much to talk about. I was like "are you crazy"? Then he clarified that sometimes it's like we're just reporting what's going on with us and hearing everyone else's stories, but not really getting much out of it....which is true. I'm the type to make jokes rather than cry in large group so sometimes I don't seem like the one who is the most upset. But we decided to go anyway basically due to that whole Forest Gump quote. See? There I go again.

So, we're all telling our stories from the beginning since there are 3 new people there. D and I talked about how to know when to change course, when to stop and how frustrating all of this is because you just don't know. Then, it gets to the last person, E. She's been in our group for a while and her and her husband have been through so much. They are in the middle of the adoption process as well because they had so many failed attempts. She's telling us about the terrible cycle she had and how she was convinced it didn't work........but .....it did. Now's she's pregnant and about to go in for her 2nd ultrasound. yay! She almost didn't come to the meeting but I'm so glad she did. She really gave D and I some hope for this cycle. Thanks E! and Forest!

Marching on......

I'll cut to the chase. Went in for my u/s this morning. There were some good sized follicles. They say they are in the same range as my other 2 cycles at this time. So basically they said the quantity can vary from cycle to cycle, but the response (growth, estrogen levels, etc.) is still really good for my age. Who knows what to believe anymore. I did see 6 decent ones on the right and 2 decent ones on the left and a few smaller ones. I guess we're moving forward. How do I feel about it all? Well, to quote Mike Doughty, "These fears are bountiful".

Now I have the craziest story to share. So, I went to my cousin's baby shower yesterday. And, just like her wedding shower, she had more people there than my actual wedding. It took her 3 hours to open all the gifts. We couldn't even see the front of the room. It was crazy! But she looked adorable and I'm so happy for her. She has lots of health problems so I'm so glad she didn't have to go through all of this too.

I must preface by saying...I love my Aunt...I really do. She is just the sweetest person and always doted on all of us. But...she is also the LAST person in the whole world I wanted to know about my IVF. Someone, who shall remain nameless (3 letters, spelled the same forwards and backwards, gave birth to me and denies all culpability) told her about my fertility struggles. So, I go to this shower with a bit of armor on, but also feeling a bit vulnerable b/c of all the latest challenges....like just going to a baby shower wasn't hard enough.

I walk in, gift in hand and she puts her hand on my belly and asks if anything is happening yet? Seriously, this is a lady who could not have children of her own and moved on to adopting 2 great kids. I have no idea how she could say that me but it actually happened. It was like a slow motion car wreck....one that I ran from as quickly as possible. I know she meant well.....somehow. I was very proud of myself that I didn't cry in front of 80 people. When I went to my table and told my mom and sister, their mouths dropped open. Stunning, it was stunning.

Deep down, I knew there was the potential of such an incident. Probably b/c of the time I brought a new boyfriend to a picnic and she asked me if he was "the one". I think I had dated him a few months. So, it's not totally surprising, yet, still...unfreakinbelievable.

Guess I'll have to add that to my list of things not to say to someone doing IVF....but wasn't this one a given?

Sigh....well......

.....it doesn't get much better, at least in my opinion. I had my 2nd checkup on Friday. I saw about 5 growing follicles in the right ovary. These seemed to be growing very unevenly though. On the left, well, I don't know what the hell is happening on the left. I really couldn't see. I couldn't clearly count any it was just a lot of fuzzy blobs. This is definitely different the my previous 2 cycles.

So Friday I focused on planning the decor of my bathroom. Then right before D came home, my mom called to ask how my appt went. As I told her, it just all came up and I suddenly couldn't push down the fact that this cycle sucks any longer. So, I did what any normal girl in the midst of a sucky IVF cycle would do. I downed a bottle of wine with my hubby and drunk dialed the drs office! OK, maybe I wasn't that drunk, but just enough buzz for me to let out all the feelings and worries about this cycle. I had already told the nurse I was upset at my appt, so this time I asked a dr to call me.

I was so worried that no one would call me back on Saturday and I'd have to wait all weekend. But, the new dr. (the one who I call "Mr. No Pain Biopsy to whom I might be related"....he has a family last name...long story) called and was very understanding of all my concerns. I told him how Dr. B said that my fertility wasn't going to fall off a cliff that it's a gradual decline, but in 6 months since my last fresh cycle, this feels like falling off a cliff.

Basically, he said my estrogen levels were good...and that it is still too early to tell. I could cancel the cycle if I want, but if I waited until my appt on Monday, I might have a better idea what is really happening in there. So, he promised to be there for my appt and help me decide.

Can it really be all over for me? I mean, we still have other options, but none of them include D and I have a child that is both of ours. Is it just hugely narcissistic to want that? It's just so hard to come to grips with it since I've wanted a child since I was in my early 20s. I was torn apart at the fact that my first husband was sooooo not ready to have a child. And after 9 years I had to realize that he was not a good person to have children with...not for me at least. I dealt with that for so long and then being single for so long it becomes a kind of chicken before the egg kind of thing and you refocus your priorities to just having a nice person to date or finding some great friends.

Then, I FINALLY meet a wonderful guy who is not only so much fun and affectionate and mature, but really wants kids too. Now this. I know, it's not like we can't have kids at all but I really wanted to see how the mix of extreme niceness and sarcasm would turn out, ya know? Would the baby speak in a british accent or in a southern one? Inquiring minds want to know!!!!

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. We're going in tomorrow to figure out what to do. The journey is definitely at a crossroads. This whole struggle has definitely taught me to get used to things being out of my control. It's taught me that all the things I never wanted to do or was scared to death to do, not only can I do, but I can handle and sometimes I even frickin' volunteer for. I actually said to the doctor "I could do IVF a million times if I had to, but our bank account can't"...and it's true. I've put my life in total limbo. I can't book a wedding b/c it's too far out to know if I'll be pregnant. I'm dedicating my whole life to this right now. D and I are dedicating (or have decidated) all our savings to it. Now we may have to realize that we can't make it happen the way we thought....we may have to regroup. I'm sure we'll figure it out, b/c in the end all we really want is to be a family.

It's a great day to go to a baby shower no? For someone who got married a year after we did. Time for my game face. sigh

Well......

I was kind of excited to have my appt today. IVF is such a waiting game and this cycle was moving pretty quickly. So I went in for my baseline ultrasound this morning. Uterus still there, check....ovaries there, check....however I could hardly see any antral follicles. These come up at the beginning of each cycle and look like little white dots in your ovaries. I got a glimpse at 2 and that was it. In previous cycles I've had 13 or so...at least! The nurse said I only had 4 on each side. CRAP! So, I freaked out a lot today and felt a bit down. It's hard doing IVF, and even harder going through all this shit feeling like someone just tripped you at the starting line.

So, I came home from my appt and took my first shot of gonal-f. It was easy at this point. What amazed me is how I was so fatigued within an hour. Could that really be from the gonal-f or the fact that I was up in the middle of the night? I took a little nap, but the feeling seemed to linger. Hinky!

Then tonight, comes a new part of my protocol, the Menopur. Usually I would do another dose of Gonal-F in the evening, but my doc is switching it up. Man, this is a high maintenance injection. You take a large needle and attach this adapter to it, then you suction out a vial of liquid. Then you take the liquid and put it into a vial of powder and swirl (not shake)....and since I had to do 4 vials of powder I had to keep suctioning and injecting and re-swirling. And after all of that, the motherf'r burns like a banchee. (if banchees burn that is) The injection site is all red and itchy. Not cool, Menopur, not cool. We have to hang out for the next 11 days so maybe you should chill out. OK, I'm talking to inanimate medications....must be time for bed....or the drugged craziness has begun. nite

It's 4am I must be crampy

It doesn't even really phase me anymore. Days and days of wicked evil cramps are just par for the course at this point. When even the doctors use the phrase "you're going to get a doozy of a period", you know, it's going to happen yet you don't quite know the extent of the word "doozy". But I do now!

The good part of IVF is that it can super-stimulate your ovaries to create many more eggs than normal. The bad part is that you have to come down off of those hormones sometime. So it's 4 am and I'm wide awake yet again this weekend. I know exactly when my pain meds wear off in the middle of the night. Oh how I wish I had that lil percocet again from the biopsy. Now THAT was a fun day!

I have an early morning drs appt so my alarm is set for 7:15. I assume I'll be falling back asleep around 7. I'm looking forward to getting this cycle started!

Positive Changes

I've been unemployed now for a little over 2 months. I was sure that I would work out every day and have so much free time. Neither is true. First, I started focusing my time on my photography business, then I decided to take on a kitchen renovation. Brilliant right, because what else could I possible have on my plate?

Speaking of plates, I also joined Weight Watchers this week. It's so hard with the IVF because extreme diets are really discouraged. I can't exercise or feel too fatigued to exercise during the cycle itself. The hormone injections cause you to gain weight and some of them increase your appetite. So basically, it's been really difficult to lose any weight. So I joined WW to try to make a dent in the right direction. There are lots of studies that say losing just a small amount of weight can make a difference in fertility.

I am down about 7 lbs from my highest weight a few months ago, but I want to lose at least 10 more as quickly as possible. That means, yogurt and fruit for bfast and salad for lunch for me. I had a whole bowl of cardboard (fat-free) popcorn last night. Hopefully it will all be worth it. It will be even harder handling the extra weight of a pregnancy on top of this so it would be good to lose what I can now.

Cross your fingers for me!

CoCulture Smulture

D and I are back from a fantastic week of wine and friends in the Finger Lakes. We had such a great time. The view (and the wine) were totally relaxing. Yesterday was my second day home and also my scheduled co-culture biopsy. I've been pretty nervous about it ever since I read that a 1-2" area would be taken. I remember the tiny sample that was taken during my hysteroscopy and that was not fun.

I'm not sure if it was the new doctor or the percocet, valium and ibuprofen in my system, but it truly wasn't bad at all. I'm so so glad that I opted for this rather than the D&C idea. I KNEW that would be painful. Not to mention, I've read lots of research papers about the increase in embryo quality from co-culturing....some of which were written by my doctor.

So....sigh.....easy peasy lemon squeezy....for once!