So this morning I had to in for bloodwork and a baseline ultrasound. Unfortunately, I didn't get my period yet. I was supposed to get it mid-week. They said it's probably due to the cyst I have in my left ovary. It releases estrogen and throws the whole system out of kilter. Cysts can be a side effect of all the extra hormones that stimulate multiple egg development. It's been shrinking and the lupron has been helping that....so they bumped my tentative cycle by a whole week. Now I'm doing one more week of lupron injections. wheeeee fun (she said sarcastically)
I had my last day at work today. It was uneventful and I was glad. Then I went to get my hair done. Don't you know it? I'm sitting there and suddenly I have the worst cramps ever! Now I'll be doing lupron for an extra week AND have nasty cramps. Good luck D! You'll need it! hugs!
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Hinky!
Something strange has happened a few times now and I can't figure it out. We've shared with someone about our fertility issues and they just clam up. They don't ask how we're doing or mention it again. Some actually seem to physically stiffen and seem very uncomfortable whenever anything related to our fertility treatments is mentioned. The REALLY weird part is that we then find out that they have talked to OTHER people about what we are going through. The point of telling people is to have a support system not to get pity from a ton of people you never wanted to know in the first place. It makes me wonder if I'm that bad at keeping a secret too? I think from now on I'm going to try to be really aware of keeping confidences.
I try not to get too upset about it because aside from the occasional comment that well, was oh so wrong, I realize that everyone just cares about us....even if it is in their own freaky weird way.
And...it turns out there is a side benefit of the broken confidences. We've found out that others we know are going through the same struggle we are....and we had no idea.
The good news is that overall our friends and family have been extremely supportive. They don't ask us all the time, but they check in to see how we're doing....or check this blog. They know there's times that we want to forget it and there's time when we need to vent...and they are there to listen....or distract....and we are very lucky to have that.
I try not to get too upset about it because aside from the occasional comment that well, was oh so wrong, I realize that everyone just cares about us....even if it is in their own freaky weird way.
And...it turns out there is a side benefit of the broken confidences. We've found out that others we know are going through the same struggle we are....and we had no idea.
The good news is that overall our friends and family have been extremely supportive. They don't ask us all the time, but they check in to see how we're doing....or check this blog. They know there's times that we want to forget it and there's time when we need to vent...and they are there to listen....or distract....and we are very lucky to have that.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Learning to Deal
I know that people are well-meaning and that some people just don't know what to say when you tell them you have fertility issues. Many people just don't understand that if you had any other choice than IVF, that's what you'd be doing. If the chances were any more than slim, there's no way we'd be doing this.
I went to lunch with an ex co-worker a few weeks ago and she said..... "try not to think about it and just relax this summer". It made me chuckle a little on the inside, but I just said thanks. Later that week D and I went to the movies to see UP! and don't you know, the character's wife has a miscarriage. IT'S A CARTOON FOR GOD'S SAKE! Wouldn't you think this would be a safe haven? If it's not a movie, it's the celebrity baby boom, or family members having babies, getting pregnant etc. It's EVERYWHERE!
Now we are in the midst of our first FET (frozen embryo transfer). It's a lot less invasive that a fresh IVF cycle, but I still have a regimen of meds to follow. To be honest, I'm not sure how anyone who is not known as "the planner" and is not Type A could ever do IVF. The schedule of meds is crazy complicated. It makes me laugh again each morning when I have to take the prenatal vitamin and low dose aspirin and every night when I inject myself with Lupron, that I'm supposed to not be thinking about this and "just relaxing".
On top of it all, our lives are totally in limbo. We can't even plan a vacation because we have to be available for doctor's appts. Now that I'm almost out of work, it would be great if I could plan a few days away. However, since I can't give myself an 1 1/2" needle in my butt each night, I need to stay in the proximity of my dear hubby for a while. So, the "relax and take a vacation" advice is also nixed unless he can take off work.
I know the statistics and at this point, I know way more than I ever wanted to about IVF and infertility. Although I tried acupunture and will still be doing yoga whenever I can, I realize that this is just a difficult storm I'm going to have to ride through. There's no easy anecdote, daily mantra or any way to not face what's in front of us. One thing I am learning to get used to about my life right now....is that it's totally out of my control. I'm not liking it, but I'm learning to deal...and that's all I can do.
I went to lunch with an ex co-worker a few weeks ago and she said..... "try not to think about it and just relax this summer". It made me chuckle a little on the inside, but I just said thanks. Later that week D and I went to the movies to see UP! and don't you know, the character's wife has a miscarriage. IT'S A CARTOON FOR GOD'S SAKE! Wouldn't you think this would be a safe haven? If it's not a movie, it's the celebrity baby boom, or family members having babies, getting pregnant etc. It's EVERYWHERE!
Now we are in the midst of our first FET (frozen embryo transfer). It's a lot less invasive that a fresh IVF cycle, but I still have a regimen of meds to follow. To be honest, I'm not sure how anyone who is not known as "the planner" and is not Type A could ever do IVF. The schedule of meds is crazy complicated. It makes me laugh again each morning when I have to take the prenatal vitamin and low dose aspirin and every night when I inject myself with Lupron, that I'm supposed to not be thinking about this and "just relaxing".
On top of it all, our lives are totally in limbo. We can't even plan a vacation because we have to be available for doctor's appts. Now that I'm almost out of work, it would be great if I could plan a few days away. However, since I can't give myself an 1 1/2" needle in my butt each night, I need to stay in the proximity of my dear hubby for a while. So, the "relax and take a vacation" advice is also nixed unless he can take off work.
I know the statistics and at this point, I know way more than I ever wanted to about IVF and infertility. Although I tried acupunture and will still be doing yoga whenever I can, I realize that this is just a difficult storm I'm going to have to ride through. There's no easy anecdote, daily mantra or any way to not face what's in front of us. One thing I am learning to get used to about my life right now....is that it's totally out of my control. I'm not liking it, but I'm learning to deal...and that's all I can do.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Crazy is as crazy stabs!
So I made it through a week of training in DC. It was stressful and exhausting, but it went fast because I was busy. I was hoping to lose some weight while I was gone, but that didn't happen. There was lots of walking in the city, but I wasn't able to make it to the gym at the hotel. The stress was a bit exhausting for me. Luckily I only gained 1 lb.
Now I'm back at home and I'm on day 3 of Lupron shots. Administratively, these are a piece of cake. It's only a 1/2" needle in my belly. But...after 2 whole months of not being on fertility meds....I can really feel a difference. I was very depressed this weekend and even cried today. This could be a bumpy ride! Time to break out the comedy dvds!!!! I stil have weeks to go!!!
Now I'm back at home and I'm on day 3 of Lupron shots. Administratively, these are a piece of cake. It's only a 1/2" needle in my belly. But...after 2 whole months of not being on fertility meds....I can really feel a difference. I was very depressed this weekend and even cried today. This could be a bumpy ride! Time to break out the comedy dvds!!!! I stil have weeks to go!!!
Friday, June 5, 2009
Breathe!
About a month ago, I found out I was getting laid off from my job. However, they wanted me to stay on for 8 weeks to transition the job down to the DC office. Well, my coworkers are gone now, but they definitely had it easy and got to leave quickly. Now keep in mind that I do not like my job, I haven't liked my job for several years. We've all just been holding on for the amazing severance package. But...I had no idea how hard it was to watch your job disintegrate before your eyes. The people taking it over don't have any sense of personal responsibility and honestly have no idea what they are getting into. It's hard to see all this happen knowing that it will never be done at the level that you did it ever again. You would think that it would make me feel good, but it doesn't. It's hard to let go when I've spent 12 years scheduling my vacations around deadlines. I'd rather be gone and not have to see it. I have 3 weeks left and I'm trying hard to find my zen place to get through it.
Of course, with fertility treatments, de-stressing is critical....and it definitely not my strong suit. We've just started the "suppression month" of our first frozen cycle. Luckily, the real stuff won't be happening in the cycle until I'm long gone from the job. One thing I will not miss is the feeling I've been punched in the stomach that I have when I leave work each day. It's not supposed to be that way right???? I'm hoping to get back to me....and not the really stressed out version of me that I've become. ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Of course, with fertility treatments, de-stressing is critical....and it definitely not my strong suit. We've just started the "suppression month" of our first frozen cycle. Luckily, the real stuff won't be happening in the cycle until I'm long gone from the job. One thing I will not miss is the feeling I've been punched in the stomach that I have when I leave work each day. It's not supposed to be that way right???? I'm hoping to get back to me....and not the really stressed out version of me that I've become. ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
The good, the bad and the infertile
Come on! It's a good title!
I've been steering clear of our support group for a while. It's once a month and the first one fell just a few days after I found out my last IVF failed. I guess some people would say it would be good to go when you need it most, but I just wanted to deal with it myself and not be a blubbering mess in front of all of those people. Our next support group happened when we were on vacation, so last night was the most recent one.
On the positive side, it's really good to go and talk to people who are going through this. Everyone there realizes exactly what we are all up against. Some of their families are understanding, some families break their confidences, some don't feel like they can even share this with them. I'm lucky enough to have some very supportive friends and family, despite the occasional really ridiculous comment. It's a little easier to take when that happens knowing it's happened to every single person in my support group. In the end, it's the support that matters. The group helps me realize that I don't think I'd be able to get through this without my family and friends.
On the negative side, it's a room filled with people in a lot of pain. They don't know how their journey is going to end and neither do we. There's a finite amount of cash and just so long you can keep your life on hold. We all feel the pressure. Some couples can't even afford to do one round of IVF and some have had multiple losses. Sometimes I can't believe how much these people have been through...and sometimes I'm like...wait, I've been through all of that too....wow. I left last night feeling a bit upset. I feel for all of them and what they are going through....and I feel for our situation too. I wish I could make it better for all of us. I don't know how they get through it....I don't know how we get through it.
I see our life a year or so down the road....and all I can see if D and I with a baby (or two)....there's a lot of dark hair and very squinty eyes when he/she smiles. I've tried to think of what our life would be without us as a family, but I still can't. So I keep going...and going....and so do they.
I've been steering clear of our support group for a while. It's once a month and the first one fell just a few days after I found out my last IVF failed. I guess some people would say it would be good to go when you need it most, but I just wanted to deal with it myself and not be a blubbering mess in front of all of those people. Our next support group happened when we were on vacation, so last night was the most recent one.
On the positive side, it's really good to go and talk to people who are going through this. Everyone there realizes exactly what we are all up against. Some of their families are understanding, some families break their confidences, some don't feel like they can even share this with them. I'm lucky enough to have some very supportive friends and family, despite the occasional really ridiculous comment. It's a little easier to take when that happens knowing it's happened to every single person in my support group. In the end, it's the support that matters. The group helps me realize that I don't think I'd be able to get through this without my family and friends.
On the negative side, it's a room filled with people in a lot of pain. They don't know how their journey is going to end and neither do we. There's a finite amount of cash and just so long you can keep your life on hold. We all feel the pressure. Some couples can't even afford to do one round of IVF and some have had multiple losses. Sometimes I can't believe how much these people have been through...and sometimes I'm like...wait, I've been through all of that too....wow. I left last night feeling a bit upset. I feel for all of them and what they are going through....and I feel for our situation too. I wish I could make it better for all of us. I don't know how they get through it....I don't know how we get through it.
I see our life a year or so down the road....and all I can see if D and I with a baby (or two)....there's a lot of dark hair and very squinty eyes when he/she smiles. I've tried to think of what our life would be without us as a family, but I still can't. So I keep going...and going....and so do they.
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