Morphing!

So, the twinges come and go and now today I'm totally fatigued and nauseous. Yeah, yeah, I know the whole "progesterone causes pregnancy symptoms" story, but exactly how does it morph from one pregnancy symptom to the next. I'm going with the "evil fairy from Scrooged" theory at this point.

I've had a few panicked moments in the past few days thinking of what we are going to do if this time doesn't work. Probably, we'll use the last of our remaining embryos in FET cycles but I'm not sure what else we'll be able to afford beyond that. I'm not feeling very confident that doing another fresh cycle would make any difference in outcome. My RE's office can't give a reason it is or is not going to work. They just keep saying, "you have great potential to succeed. We wouldn't recommend anything else for you at this time". It's like they shake the Magic 8 ball right before you go in for your consultation. With being out of work now and a dwindling savings account, there are only so many chances we can take.

To sum it up, if something good doesn't happen soon....we are screwwwwwwwwwed!

Freakin' Out!

This is definitely the "freakin' out" phase! I'm now at what would be considered Day 11. That's 11 days past ovulation even though the embryos were thawed and put back in on Day 3. If it's happened, it's happened. The embryo(s) would have hatched by now and implanted. They have started releasing HCG, which is what pregnancy tests detect, but the levels are still probably too low to be read on a home pregnancy test.

For some reason, my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office has schedule my BETA (blood pregnancy test) for 17 days past ovulation. I'm starting to think they are trying to drive me over the edge. Paranoid? Me???? Highly possible!

This is also the "IT'S IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT" phase! I have daily injections with a giant needle, I can't drink alcohol, can't take baths (and I LOVE baths), not to mention the intermittent soreness and twinges in my lower abdomen.

I was joking around with D last night about the madness of it all and let out a Young Frankenstein-type yell. An "I'm going MAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!" type of yell. It was a lot louder and longer than I originally intended....it took on a life of it's own.

Let's just hope other things are taking on a life of their own as we speak. I'm not naming any names.....but you know who you are!

OK OK!

Yes progesterone, I acknowledge your power to f' with my head in these two weeks. Soreness on the right, then soreness on the left...yeah yeah I get it! Why you gotta be like that? You're like the patron unsaint of infertile women. You're like the mean fairy in Scrooged. And I just need to say...nobody likes you. booooo

Oh, apparently even though I ate the house....I lost 4 lbs. Crazy! I'm thinking that Lupron was also doing it's evil work on me. I'm so glad to be off the stuff!!!!!

Uh oh! I ate the house!

I'm in here writing this while my wonderful husband is outside weedwacking. I should feel guilty for not helping right? I'm working on that part. I did do some dusting and straightening so I'm not a total 2WW slacker.

I don't know if it's just nerves or the residual side effects of the prednisone I had to take for 5 days, but I can't stop eating. It's like I'm jonesing for food but I know I'm not hungry. I was trying so hard to control my weight before the transfer, now I feel like I'm going to gain 10 lbs just in these 2 weeks. I hope it subsides soon or I will BE the size of the house in addition to EATING everything in the house!

It's official! The crazy two week wait (2WW) symptoms have started. I've had this soreness in my lower right side for a couple of days. When I had my transfer, I was sore on my left side from the procedure itself, so I know it's not that. This is just a random "hey, don't think you can forget about this for one second" kind of pain. I've had some trouble sleeping because of it, but I'm trying not to take any tylenol if I don't have to. OK, two week wait, I know how you are. Bring on the twinges and the pulling and whatever you got....I'm ready!

I cracked!

I couldn't stay still a minute longer!!! On Friday, my niece and I took a road trip to New Hope PA for the day. We had lunch on a garden patio, ate chocolate covered strawberries and looked in the shops. For those who don't know me, I'm a photographer.....and I just heard about this photo contest. So, I enlisted my niece as my model and we came up with some amazing ideas. Then, we went and bought some outfits (what's a photo shoot without outfits right?) and props at the dollar store and proceeded to do our photo shoot. OK, so I probably exerted myself a little more than I should have, but I had a great time! The REALLY cool thing is M, my niece. She said that "it was the most fun she's had all summer". How awesome is she? And, if I'm lucky, maybe I'll find out I'm pregnant AND win $1000 bucks!

I've had some major creative urges this week. I'm setting up a new photography website, entering contests and planning some future photo shoots. Something has just turned on inside me. Maybe I've finally kicked my old job out of my system and it's opened up those creative pathways again. Stress can be a block to so many things....and that job was blocking a lot of happiness in my life for a long time. It took a whole month of doing nothing to shake it!

On another front, I really do need to do some cleaning today.....I can see dust on everything....and we are almost out of clothes. I'm going to be sure not to do too much though. I made D carry the laundry basket to the back room for me since I'm not supposed to lift over 20 lbs. It all seems a bit wacky since there are tons of women who lift toddlers or work for UPS when they don't know they are pregnant, but with all I've been through, I'm not taking any chances.

Lounging is hard!

Putting your feet up is hard work! I've been doing it for about 5 hours now and I'm bored to death. It's especially difficult when you aren't sick and/or tired. It's such a nice day outside too!

The transfer itself went well this morning. It was a little uncomfortable but not too bad. Valium is my friend. They had a shiny new piece of equipment too. It was a flat screen tv that showed a close up pic of our embryos getting sucked into the catheter before they put them in. very cool! Our embryos thawed out well and we only lost 1 to get to our total of 5. This leaves us with 8 embryos still on ice for future use.

So now we wait....and wait...and wait. Cross your fingers and your toes, sacrifice lambs, pray to your gods....whatever may help is appreciated!!!

Yaaaaawn!

Is it wrong to take a nap 3 hours after you wake up in the morning? Either I'm not
sleeping well or these damn fertility drugs are zapping the life right out of me. I ain't got that thing, and I ain't got that zing.

Last night was the last lupron shot. Yay!!! Now we move on to Progesterone-in-oil, featuring such side effects as: fatigue, nausea, dizziness, worsening of asthma symptoms....uh oh....this may not be an improvement. PIO is also "interesting" in that it makes you have the same symptoms as pregnancy. And by "interesting" I mean "torturous" and "evil". Nothing like waiting for the pregnancy test for two weeks while experiencing every normal pregnancy symptom to make a girl go mad.

Yet, it all brings us closer to the possibility of a positive outcome. Someday, I'd love to move on to whining about actual pregnancy symptoms!!!!!

Yay!

I'm not sure why I am excited but I am. Today was my last ultrasound before my transfer next week. For those caring about the technical stuff, my lining was 10.5mm. I'm pretty sure this is way good! Sounds like a good place that embryos might want to grow, right?

Maybe I'm excited just at the fact that I get to stop the Lupron on Sunday. At this point I don't even care that it means that I'll have to do shots in my ass every single night from now on. The crazy just needs to stop.

I was a little bummed to find out that the doctor I requested to do my transfer has left the practice. Apparently she had only been there for two years and her contract was up. I liked her though, she explained things very well..even drew diagrams about chromosomes and 40 year old ropes....it was a whole thing. So, it looks like it's Lucky Larry (who wasn't so lucky for us last time) again next Wednesday. Let's hope his (and our) luck has improved.

Saturday is a big birthday bash for K's b/f, so I guess I will use it to say farewell to the tasty beverages for a while. I will drink the wine like it's the last I will have for a long time.....and then maybe it will be!

Imagine three months of going up the beginning of a rollercoaster....and you're almost at the top. That's me....with my arms in the air!

Choices

In April after our last IVF was negative, we had a follow-up meeting with our doctor. I was a bit of a blubbering mess not only from the plummeting hormones, but because of the fact that I never thought we'd have to do IVF in the first place, much less have 2 failed cycles. I was looking for some kind of reason from the doctor, but there was nothing he could say to make me feel better.

During our follow-up consultation, we discussed our options for this frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle. At first, Dr. B suggested we just thaw out all ten of our 3 day embryos and pick the best. I think he saw our jaws dropped to the floor because he quickly suggested we do a "serial" thaw instead. In a serial thaw, the embryos are thawed one at a time until they have the number of viable embryos that you want to transfer. He also recommended that we transfer 5 embryos this time.

As our transfer date approaches, I'm starting to wonder if this is our best choice. It's not because of the number of embryos as you would think. We weren't successful with 4 last time, so I'm ok with 5. I do have the occassional glimpse in my mind of an ultrasound screen with 5 heartbeats...but that would be very, very unlikely.
My hesitation is about the fact that we have 2 frozen embryos that made it to blastocyst stage. The clinic does not freeze 4 celled embryos, so they let them continue to culture and see if they make it to blastocysts. On our first cycle, two of them actually made it. Blastocysts are 120 cells and are much more likely to implant.

So here's the thing, we only have 2 and only 70% of embryos survive the thaw process. So do we take that risk and use the 2 blasts? The whole round and months of shots could be for nothing if the blasts don't make it through the thaw. Do we wait until the next round and try it then? Is there a way to do a few at the 3 day transfer, then come back and do more at 5 days? These are the types of questions I roll over and over in my mind all day. How do we know what's the right thing? Do we just follow our doctor's recommendation blindly? Ugggh, it's so hard for someone like me that likes to have all the answers....but I don't.

The Sane Times

This cycle really doesn't have a whole lot going on. It's a lot of the same....BCP's for weeks, Lupron for weeks, add Estradiol for weeks, then PIO for weeks. It's the side effects that have made it(me) feel out of this world. So, when I was at the grocery store the other day, I picked up some sunflowers for my husband. I figured I should use my sane time to be extra nice so he can remember them through the craziness. Of course, it's not like it's my fault...as the IVF nurses are always saying. At the same time, a couple of months is a long, long time to live on the edge of reason....or to live WITH someone on the edge of reason.

One major IVF factor that's been on my mind is my weight. I have gained about 13 lbs since the miscarriage in May 2008....and that's on top of the post-honeymoon weight gain. I have these small windows of 2 weeks at a time where I can try to lose weight...and it never seems to be enough to make a real difference. Maybe it's the Lupron or the estrogen, but I get ravenously hungry sometimes and can never seem to make a dent. I know that even a small weight loss could make a big difference, so why can't I do it? It's so frustrating.

Estradiol starts....

While I wanted some change, I was hoping for less needles than more. In truth, I knew the next step was more, many more, larger needles in addition to the Lupron. When we had our checkup & ultrasound on Monday, the nurse told us that Estrogen is the "feel good" hormone. It makes women feel wonderful apparently. I only have to do the estrogen shots twice a week, Monday and Thursday. So far, I'm not feeling much better. I still feel the Lupron effects and I wouldn't really describe myself as feeling great right now. I did sleep a little better last night, but I'm not sure if that was just pure exhaustion or the estrogen. I'm still holding out hope for some good vibrations to come my way.

One thing I haven't missed since the last cycle are these intramuscular shots. Even with the lidocaine (EMLA cream), I can still feel them. This stuff is even thicker than the progesterone in oil so it takes a while to go in. I can barely get it into the syringe after warming it for a 1/2 hour. And, I'm trying not to think about the fact that I will start the PIO shots DAILY as of 7/18. Uh oh...too late!

The most difficult part of a cycle is the uncertainty. If I knew I would definitely get pregnant, I doubt any of this would matter. But, the fact that all of this could be completely pointless is the most challenging aspect of all.

Today I had a great day out with a friend. On one of our stops I indulged and bought an adorable) maternity top. I also looked at "faux" wedding rings (in case I get pregnant and can't fit into my ring). This could either be viewed as "a positive outlook" or make me feel like a total sucker if this cycle is a bust. It's a tough balance of fertility sanity. In general, I tend to err on the dark side, but when it comes to getting pregnant, the optimism sometimes wins out.

Don't tell, but I have a credenza in my living room that has three compartments and one of those is totally filled with baby items. I have a portion of my stand-up wardrobe that is all maternity clothes. And, at the beginning of every cycle I calculate my possible due date of my possible baby. So, although the realistic side tries hard to protect me, the "I would be over the moon" excited side sometimes wins out. Yeah, that's right, I'm a sucker, now you know.

Day 24

In the heat of the day, none of us is sure what is real. Was that a fish that just jumped out of the water or the peak of a wave? Without fresh water and food for days now, it's hard to be clear about anything. The crew is looking weak and there has been talk of canniba.......

Oh right, I'm not adrift....just totally whacked out on endless Lupron. Silly me. It's 2:18am and I'm tired, REALLY tired....but I can't sleep. I was in an air-conditioned room, yet burning hot. So I embrace Lupron's lot and write this instead.

I did have a short, interesting dream. In real life, I'm going to Atlantic City tomorrow with my mom and I was looking for restaurants before I went to bed. In the dream, D and I are sitting in an A.C. restaurant and a couple of tables over is Robert Pattison. I, of course, try to take his picture with Dan's Iphone so I can post it on my facebook. (tacky I know) Robert P. sees this and comes over to say hi. We have a nice chat and then he offers to take a pic with both of us. How nice is that guy? Now I don't have any type of celebrity crush on this guy or anything so I'm not sure why he is in my dream. Maybe he's a secret celebrity fertility god and it's a sign....or maybe I'm semi-psychic and we'll actually run into him on our trip. You never know!

Uh oh, is this what happens with lack of REM sleep? helps

Going....and going....and going

I feel like I've been stabbing myself with needles for forever now. It's been a REALLY long cycle.....albeit less invasive than a fresh cycle. I started Lupron shots on 6/12, so it's been 18 days of shots now...and I have at least a week to go...probably 2. Then after that the big shots in the butt start too. YIKES!

I was saying to D the other day how it's impossible not to feel let down when a cycle doesn't work out. It's not like a regular monthly cycle that's a month long and that you don't usually know it's happening until it's over. It's 2 whole months of total focus on the cycle then a big letdown. Of course, we're hoping (yet afraid to hope) that the letdown part doesn't happen this time!

I probably should stop watching those baby shows (but I know I won't). Last night, I saw one where the woman had IVF and it was unsuccessful. So, the next one they put in 3 embryos instead of 2 and all of them took....and she was about to deliver triplets. On our first IVF we put in 3, our second IVF we put in 4 and this one we'll be doing 5. We're doing 5 this time since these embryos are possibly lesser quality than the top ones we picked for the fresh cycle. It's a scary proposition....but I'm just hoping that one will stick....and be a healthy, normal embryo.

We won't know about the healthy part until about 10 weeks when we can have the CVS testing done. Between the chance of miscarriage and the chance of an abnormality, we really won't be able to be excited about a pregnancy until after the first trimester.

Phase 1 - getting knocked up
Phase 2 - staying knocked up
Phase 3 - testing

I'm so over phase 1! I'm totally ready to worry about Phase 2 now!