Before I get started, I'd like to thank all my family and friends who have written me or told me that they've been keeping up with my blog. Thanks so much for all of your support and for being there for me all along this journey. Please don't ask me in person if I'm pregnant. If it happens, we'll need to get passed some hurdles to feel like it's the real deal.
For all of you who don't know me and are following my journey because you are in a similar situation, I hope in some way it's of some comfort to you.
So......when you're on your eighth IVF, you sometimes think you've seen it all. Yeah, yeah, I take my meds....yeah, yeah I take my shots.....poking, prodding, prodding, poking. I find it amazing that I had never been to a male OB/GYN before this whole process (cough cough debacle/nightmare) and now I not only have male doctors, but a whole cast of people in the room with me. That doesn't even count the other "lab" people on the other side of the "takeout window".
IVF has also changed my perspective. There are moments when I feel it's all really out of control, which it is. And there are moments when I feel I've learned how to be OK with that. I think about myself three years ago. The person that got pregnant the very first month we tried. She was giddy and although she wasn't naive to the fact there were some risks because of age, thought she would overcome all of that. With all she had been through to find the right person and be in the place she was, there was no way the universe wouldn't do right by her. Turns out it was genetics and age not the universe who had a say. That person seems so far away from the person that I am now. When our last IVF failed miserably before the transfer even happened, I thought there was no way to recapture the excitement, the hope, or the joy usually associated with the pregnancy process.
Well, I'm hear to tell you that it can happen. Yes, it's true that I don't have any clue if I'm pregnant or not at this point. It's also true that I will once again be devastated if this cycle turns out negative. It's even possible that this could be the last chance for us for good. At the same time, I'm extremely excited, extremely hopeful and even happy.
I learned that a horrible situation can be easily put into the past when there's a good memory to put in it's place. I'm hoping that if this IVF cycle turns into a pregnancy, that all of this IVF journey will become a distant memory. How wonderful that would be at this point.
SO HERE'S THE UPDATE.....
To borrow from Ferris Bueller a bit. "This ones for Linda, who didn't think she'd see anything good again."
As you know, we've had an amazing response with these 10 embryos. The response was so great, that out of the 10, we had 2 blastocysts to transfer and 3 to freeze. This is such a total 180 from the last cycle we had. I mean, it's the BEST cycle we've ever had....it's unbelievable!!!!
The day of the transfer, we know the drill. I drink water....we should up at our transfer time. I get ready in the room (the takeout window room). The doctor hands us our cool embryo photo. It usually has a brownish tint to it. I think it makes it easier to see the embryos. BUT THIS TIME it's tinted PURPLE. OK, did I mention that I'm wearing a purple flannel shirt and my Dr. Seussish purple/aqua socks and that I LOVE purple? Um yeah. It's totally a sign right?
We're at my favorite part of the procedure. There's a monitor to my right. Suddenly it turns on and there's a close-up shot of our petri dish. We know it's "OUR" dish because it says our last name on the side. (Good to know those are your babies you're putting back!) Then, they zoom in on the 2 blasts. She only leaves it on for just a second. I gasped and pointed at the screen...then it was gone. OK! NOW THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING! I've never seen that before, but I knew exactly what it was. One of the blasts looked like a normal blast. The other, was smaller with a little halo effect around it and you can see that part of it was coming out one side. THIS BLAST WAS STARTING TO HATCH!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! If you think it's a good sign getting to blastocyst stage, seeing that just sent me over the moon! Hatching is the step right before the embryo implants.
It's amazing how the results of this cycle helped me put the tears of the last one aside. It's been a painful process and I know it may not turn out the way we want in the end. The one thing it has taught me is that there's always another day, another side to it all and another amazing thing that will surprise you.
Cross your fingers....say a prayer.....send us all your good juju!
Showing posts with label IVF blog. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IVF blog. Show all posts
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Blobs of Confusion
THE UPDATE:
Our embryos are doing well. We have 6 front runners. They don't have any cell counts today as they are either compacting or have compacted into teeny tiny blobs called morulas.
THE ROLLERCOASTER:
When I was getting married, I couldn't get enough of bridal shows. The same is true for my pregnancy journey. I watch baby shows all the time. I used to watch the really graphic ones, just so I knew what the terminology meant and everything that could happen. I know that would normally scare most people. My philosophy is that I'd rather know in an emergency what the next steps were. I'd become so desensitized to watching births that I'd forget to turn the show off when we started eating dinner. oops.
Today, I had some show about multiples on in the background while I was editing photos. Usually I just half pay attention but this one was really touching. This couple was in the operating room about to have quadruplets by C-section. Tons of hospital staff are in the room to assist with the delivery. The mom-to-be is obviously nervous. Her husband keeps telling her it's ok and how they are both going to raise these babies together. You can see in her eyes that she's scared. Then, she hears the first baby cry. The husband starts to describe how she totally changed in that moment. How she suddenly went from just her to being a mom....in the blink of an eye. She no longer cared how she was feeling and could only focus on her babies. As I watched it, I could see the change in her face. It was pretty amazing.
I've been a bit teary today on and off. It's hard to describe the emotions I'm feeling. I'm excited, giddy, scared, worried, and happy all at one time. I guess you'd call that a bit overwhelmed. I feel that we could be on the brink of something that could change our life forever. I can't tell you how much I hope that this is THE ONE (or two). I'm not sure we'll continue trying to have a baby if it's not. Yet, I still have a hard time seeing my life without raising a family. We've been through so much, I try not to think about the last 3 years. It's amazing to believe that I even have hope at this point.
Honestly, I'm unbelievably excited about the possibility of success right now. And, after all we've been through, that's equally as scary. All I can do is hold on for the ride. And today, I feel tremendous...scared and tremendous!
Tomorrow is the big day!
Our embryos are doing well. We have 6 front runners. They don't have any cell counts today as they are either compacting or have compacted into teeny tiny blobs called morulas.
THE ROLLERCOASTER:
When I was getting married, I couldn't get enough of bridal shows. The same is true for my pregnancy journey. I watch baby shows all the time. I used to watch the really graphic ones, just so I knew what the terminology meant and everything that could happen. I know that would normally scare most people. My philosophy is that I'd rather know in an emergency what the next steps were. I'd become so desensitized to watching births that I'd forget to turn the show off when we started eating dinner. oops.
Today, I had some show about multiples on in the background while I was editing photos. Usually I just half pay attention but this one was really touching. This couple was in the operating room about to have quadruplets by C-section. Tons of hospital staff are in the room to assist with the delivery. The mom-to-be is obviously nervous. Her husband keeps telling her it's ok and how they are both going to raise these babies together. You can see in her eyes that she's scared. Then, she hears the first baby cry. The husband starts to describe how she totally changed in that moment. How she suddenly went from just her to being a mom....in the blink of an eye. She no longer cared how she was feeling and could only focus on her babies. As I watched it, I could see the change in her face. It was pretty amazing.
I've been a bit teary today on and off. It's hard to describe the emotions I'm feeling. I'm excited, giddy, scared, worried, and happy all at one time. I guess you'd call that a bit overwhelmed. I feel that we could be on the brink of something that could change our life forever. I can't tell you how much I hope that this is THE ONE (or two). I'm not sure we'll continue trying to have a baby if it's not. Yet, I still have a hard time seeing my life without raising a family. We've been through so much, I try not to think about the last 3 years. It's amazing to believe that I even have hope at this point.
Honestly, I'm unbelievably excited about the possibility of success right now. And, after all we've been through, that's equally as scary. All I can do is hold on for the ride. And today, I feel tremendous...scared and tremendous!
Tomorrow is the big day!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
BOO YA!
That's what my husband yelled out after I got off the phone with the IVF lab this morning. He insisted that I make it my blog headline. I totally agree! (He also told our first donor cycle to suck it....but as a headline, not so good.)
A major shoutout is in order to The Universe for coming through today. I didn't have to make any hard decisions. That's right, we had FIVE, count 'em FIVE 8-celled embryos, 3-7 cells, 1-5 cell and 1-10 cell. Boo ya!!! Damn straight! We're going to a 5 day blastocyst transfer!
This is the kind of response I expected in our last donor cycle. The benefit of using a donor is that their eggs are much higher quality (because the donor and the eggs are younger). During the last donor cycle we had 18 fertilized embryos. We immediately froze 1/2 of them. Of the remaining 9, "the best" embryos on day 3 were 1-8 cell and 1-7 cell. I knew that something was up right then. Of course, after using all 18 of those embryos and having none of them stick, we learned it the hard way.
But we're moving on from that. And I'm so excited!!! REALLY EXCITED!!!!
There's just one thing I should mention. During my research last night I read that transferring 2 at the blastocyst stage means a 73% of having twins. Could that possibly be true? Oh boy!
A major shoutout is in order to The Universe for coming through today. I didn't have to make any hard decisions. That's right, we had FIVE, count 'em FIVE 8-celled embryos, 3-7 cells, 1-5 cell and 1-10 cell. Boo ya!!! Damn straight! We're going to a 5 day blastocyst transfer!
This is the kind of response I expected in our last donor cycle. The benefit of using a donor is that their eggs are much higher quality (because the donor and the eggs are younger). During the last donor cycle we had 18 fertilized embryos. We immediately froze 1/2 of them. Of the remaining 9, "the best" embryos on day 3 were 1-8 cell and 1-7 cell. I knew that something was up right then. Of course, after using all 18 of those embryos and having none of them stick, we learned it the hard way.
But we're moving on from that. And I'm so excited!!! REALLY EXCITED!!!!
There's just one thing I should mention. During my research last night I read that transferring 2 at the blastocyst stage means a 73% of having twins. Could that possibly be true? Oh boy!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Did someone call for a doctor?
Today I'd call for a doctor, an IVF expert, and IVF Fairy or even Brad Pitt playing a doctor in Ocean's Eleven if he could tell me what the right decision is. The truth is, sometimes in IVF, it's all up to you. It's all up to me and my spouse to make many decisions that I don't think we are qualified to make. The answers if incorrect could result in a negative pregnancy result not to mention the loss of thousands and thousands of dollars.
I've spent countless hours scouring the internet. So much so, that I stopped researching and reading anything else about IVF since IVF #6 or 7. There just wasn't anything else meaningful to find, except community forums of inaccurate information.
Today I feel more unequipped than ever to make the decision we need to make. Tomorrow is Day 3 of our embryo culture. As of this morning we had 2-5 cells, 5-4 cells, and 3-2 cells. Tomorrow, what we are looking for is 8-celled embryos. In our best case scenario we'd love at least 5-8 celled embryos to go on to a 5 day blastocyst transfer. But what if we get 4? Our clinic says we can decide whatever we want to do. Their policy is to have 5, but we can choose to go on with 4 really great embryos. Not to mention, we have the others as well.
So tonight I went back into research mode. I've read the pros and cons of blastocyst stage. None of it conclusively says what the best course of action is. Some other clinics have a policy of 4 great 8 cells to go onto blast, so I do know we are not totally off base. Still, will the benefit outweigh the potential risk. Factor in the emotional reasons and gut feelings and who knows what to do?
As I go to sleep tonight I'm going to wish for just one thing...ok, FIVE things. I wish for 5-grade 1 8 celled embryos to be there when I wake up. I wish to be saved from figuring this all out. I wish for nature or the universe to make it all happen....and make it all easy....for once. Pretty please?
Night night.
I've spent countless hours scouring the internet. So much so, that I stopped researching and reading anything else about IVF since IVF #6 or 7. There just wasn't anything else meaningful to find, except community forums of inaccurate information.
Today I feel more unequipped than ever to make the decision we need to make. Tomorrow is Day 3 of our embryo culture. As of this morning we had 2-5 cells, 5-4 cells, and 3-2 cells. Tomorrow, what we are looking for is 8-celled embryos. In our best case scenario we'd love at least 5-8 celled embryos to go on to a 5 day blastocyst transfer. But what if we get 4? Our clinic says we can decide whatever we want to do. Their policy is to have 5, but we can choose to go on with 4 really great embryos. Not to mention, we have the others as well.
So tonight I went back into research mode. I've read the pros and cons of blastocyst stage. None of it conclusively says what the best course of action is. Some other clinics have a policy of 4 great 8 cells to go onto blast, so I do know we are not totally off base. Still, will the benefit outweigh the potential risk. Factor in the emotional reasons and gut feelings and who knows what to do?
As I go to sleep tonight I'm going to wish for just one thing...ok, FIVE things. I wish for 5-grade 1 8 celled embryos to be there when I wake up. I wish to be saved from figuring this all out. I wish for nature or the universe to make it all happen....and make it all easy....for once. Pretty please?
Night night.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Coping with pure fear during the IVF process.
Our donor had her egg retrieval yesterday. 13 eggs were retrieved. Even at 41, I always had 16, 18 even 20 eggs retrieved. Our previous donor also had 18 eggs retrieved. So, we're not sure what to make of this result. Today we learned that 10 of them fertilized. Again, this is a lot less than we are used to. Of course, the key to IVF is quality not quantity. There have been people in our support group that had just 5 eggs and now have twins. So, all we can do is hope for a couple of really great embryos.
Still, there's some kind of comfort in a large number. Yet, there's the knowledge that those large numbers did nothing for us. So, we wait...until tomorrow and hope that every single one of those 10 embryos has split into 4 cells. Then we wait until the next day to see if they all make 8 cells. In our control...no. Maddening....yes.
I'm photographing a wedding today. It will be a nice diversion. It will be good to concentrate on someone else's special day instead of obsessing. Not only that, but it helps to know that my entire life is not IVF. It's a reminder that there's something interesting about me, something I'm good at. Becoming a mom isn't all that I am.
Still, there's some kind of comfort in a large number. Yet, there's the knowledge that those large numbers did nothing for us. So, we wait...until tomorrow and hope that every single one of those 10 embryos has split into 4 cells. Then we wait until the next day to see if they all make 8 cells. In our control...no. Maddening....yes.
I'm photographing a wedding today. It will be a nice diversion. It will be good to concentrate on someone else's special day instead of obsessing. Not only that, but it helps to know that my entire life is not IVF. It's a reminder that there's something interesting about me, something I'm good at. Becoming a mom isn't all that I am.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I know....I know
A guy friend who had just become a dad pointed out how all the women who came over to hold his newborn said in a soothing voice "I know, I know" whenever the baby was upset. He wanted to know WHAT we knew and why we ALL said that! hee hee We'll never tell!
Now that I'm in the midst of my 8th IVF, I have to confess. I do know! I really do. So, even when it looks like you're not thinking about IVF....."I know, I know".
I know that you're cleaning your house on the weekend because your transfer will be within 3 to 5 days and you won't be able to clean after that.
I know that you just don't have a sudden craving for sushi. I know that you won't be able to have that in a couple of days so you can't stop thinking about it.
I know that you're trying to get in that last drop (or bottle) of wine with dinner before you can't.
I know that weening yourself off caffeine is easier said than done.
And I know how much you are freaking out on the inside, no matter how breezy you seem to everyone else.....and....so does your spouse.
I know all these things because today....was egg retrieval day for our donor. My husband got up at 6:30 am and gave his "sample" to the fertility clinic by 7:30 am. At 9, we received a call saying that 13 eggs were retrieved. Then, we went out for Dim Sum and a nice day in the city with our friends. I'm sure we seemed totally normal, but inside, all we could think about was those 13 eggs and if they will all fertilize by tomorrow. What should our plan be based on how many fertilize? Oh no, we're definitely not thinking about those results or that decision as we munch on shrimp shumai. Nooooo.
We are trying so hard not to think about it as I try so hard not to forget to take my estradiol, folate, prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin, progesterone in oil and prednisone at the recommended times during the day.
Sometimes when I'm doing IVF I notice these awkward silences with my friends. The silences are whenever the topic of IVF is in my head (which is often), but I know I've talked about it way too much. My mind is in an IVF fog and I literally have nothing else to talk about and nothing else currently happening in my life (anywhere near as important) to share. I feel a little hollow....a little uncool.....and more than a little obsessed.
So, if you're out there and you think no one can understand. If you think no one can knows how you're feeling right now, "I know, I know". I really do.
Now that I'm in the midst of my 8th IVF, I have to confess. I do know! I really do. So, even when it looks like you're not thinking about IVF....."I know, I know".
I know that you're cleaning your house on the weekend because your transfer will be within 3 to 5 days and you won't be able to clean after that.
I know that you just don't have a sudden craving for sushi. I know that you won't be able to have that in a couple of days so you can't stop thinking about it.
I know that you're trying to get in that last drop (or bottle) of wine with dinner before you can't.
I know that weening yourself off caffeine is easier said than done.
And I know how much you are freaking out on the inside, no matter how breezy you seem to everyone else.....and....so does your spouse.
I know all these things because today....was egg retrieval day for our donor. My husband got up at 6:30 am and gave his "sample" to the fertility clinic by 7:30 am. At 9, we received a call saying that 13 eggs were retrieved. Then, we went out for Dim Sum and a nice day in the city with our friends. I'm sure we seemed totally normal, but inside, all we could think about was those 13 eggs and if they will all fertilize by tomorrow. What should our plan be based on how many fertilize? Oh no, we're definitely not thinking about those results or that decision as we munch on shrimp shumai. Nooooo.
We are trying so hard not to think about it as I try so hard not to forget to take my estradiol, folate, prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin, progesterone in oil and prednisone at the recommended times during the day.
Sometimes when I'm doing IVF I notice these awkward silences with my friends. The silences are whenever the topic of IVF is in my head (which is often), but I know I've talked about it way too much. My mind is in an IVF fog and I literally have nothing else to talk about and nothing else currently happening in my life (anywhere near as important) to share. I feel a little hollow....a little uncool.....and more than a little obsessed.
So, if you're out there and you think no one can understand. If you think no one can knows how you're feeling right now, "I know, I know". I really do.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Giddiness, Waiting and Crazy...oh my!
I went in on Monday for my 2nd lining check. Even though I've been technically doing this cycle since November, the appointments are pretty basic (especially when it's your 8th time). Up to now, I hadn't seen an IVF nurse OR one of the doctors. I've just had basic bloodwork and ultrasounds. Today though, was a double whammy since both the IVF nurse and the doctor came in.
All of a sudden I realized that it's getting close, things are finally happening. I found out that the donor has about 16 follicles that are developing. Especially when doing IVF, I would not describe myself as upbeat. The IVF meds usually exaggerate the anxiety and bitchy traits in me. But Monday, I'd describe myself as downright giddy. 1) It feels totally unnatural to me to feel so happy and 2)It scares the crap out me when it's related to IVF.
The last time I did a donor cycle I was so convinced it would work that I changed out the clothes in my closet to maternity clothes. Needless to say, disappointed doesn't accurately relate how I felt when the result was negative. Devastated is more like it.
So, when I feel excited and hopeful and giddy about the potential of this cycle, I remember that other feeling, the devastated one. I realize there's no way to protect myself. I just really hope we finally have some good news. It's been such a long journey, I'm ready for it to be over. I'm not really sure I have the strength to do more IVF if it doesn't work. And I KNOW we don't have the funds. No pressure, but this HAS to be the one.
So now it's Thursday and my giddiness has calmed down a bit. I've tried to focus on my business although the "focus" part has not been so easy. The Lupron injections combined with my anxiety over everything has not made me the most fun person to be around. Right now the phone is in front of me and I'm waiting for it to ring. I'm waiting for the update on the donor's appointment this morning. Once the majority of her follicles reach 16mm, she'll take an hcg shot. Her egg retrieval will be 36 hours later. That's when all the fun begins.
Oh yeah! I almost forgot. During the appointment on Monday, I'm chatting about how crazy I am on the Lupron and the IVF Nurse (who runs the egg donor program) says to the doctor. "The donor looks like her". I start babbling about the baby photo I saw of the donor with her black hair like when I was a baby. Later, I realized that the nurse actually KNOWS the donor and she's saying we look alike. I've just seen 4 photos. VERY COOL! It makes me feel like younger me is giving her eggs to older me. Hey, I'd go back in time and donate to myself if I could!
Anyway, back to staring at the phone.
All of a sudden I realized that it's getting close, things are finally happening. I found out that the donor has about 16 follicles that are developing. Especially when doing IVF, I would not describe myself as upbeat. The IVF meds usually exaggerate the anxiety and bitchy traits in me. But Monday, I'd describe myself as downright giddy. 1) It feels totally unnatural to me to feel so happy and 2)It scares the crap out me when it's related to IVF.
The last time I did a donor cycle I was so convinced it would work that I changed out the clothes in my closet to maternity clothes. Needless to say, disappointed doesn't accurately relate how I felt when the result was negative. Devastated is more like it.
So, when I feel excited and hopeful and giddy about the potential of this cycle, I remember that other feeling, the devastated one. I realize there's no way to protect myself. I just really hope we finally have some good news. It's been such a long journey, I'm ready for it to be over. I'm not really sure I have the strength to do more IVF if it doesn't work. And I KNOW we don't have the funds. No pressure, but this HAS to be the one.
So now it's Thursday and my giddiness has calmed down a bit. I've tried to focus on my business although the "focus" part has not been so easy. The Lupron injections combined with my anxiety over everything has not made me the most fun person to be around. Right now the phone is in front of me and I'm waiting for it to ring. I'm waiting for the update on the donor's appointment this morning. Once the majority of her follicles reach 16mm, she'll take an hcg shot. Her egg retrieval will be 36 hours later. That's when all the fun begins.
Oh yeah! I almost forgot. During the appointment on Monday, I'm chatting about how crazy I am on the Lupron and the IVF Nurse (who runs the egg donor program) says to the doctor. "The donor looks like her". I start babbling about the baby photo I saw of the donor with her black hair like when I was a baby. Later, I realized that the nurse actually KNOWS the donor and she's saying we look alike. I've just seen 4 photos. VERY COOL! It makes me feel like younger me is giving her eggs to older me. Hey, I'd go back in time and donate to myself if I could!
Anyway, back to staring at the phone.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tennis Anyone?
Well, things are much better hormonally this week. I started estradiol pills along with the lupron, so the happy pills are countering the effects of the bad pills. With Lupron and Estradial, I feel physically relaxed, but I'm freaking out on the inside. The good news is that it's all almost over.
The donor started her stim meds on the 5th. So, what will happen is that she'll take these for about 7 days. In a normal cycle, one of her follicles would developing into an egg. In an IVF cycle, ALL of her follicles will develop into eggs. I can't tell you how glad I am that I'm not doing this part. Because there are so many eggs in your ovaries, it makes your ovaries feel like giant tennis balls. The last time I did it, the hormones whacked me out so much that I slept for the last 2 days. I feel bad for the donor a bit because she's never done a cycle before. I do know from her file that she has 2 kids, so I hope it's not too rough for her.
As soon as her eggs are all ready to go, I get to stop the Lupron. YAY!!!! Of course, then I get to start butt shots with 1 1/2" needles, but let's not get ahead of ourselves!
Right now, I don't know how to feel about the whole cycle. Taking the shots and meds is pretty much second nature to me at this point. The side effects are a huge drag. But then, this is when hope and excitement start to creep in. Once the donor has the egg retrieval and we find out each day how the embryos are doing, it's going to be really hard not to get excited. I'm unbelievably scared that we'll have similar results to last time. Embryos that looked ok but really weren't. There's zero explanation as to what happened so I don't know if it will happen again. AND, this is it...this is our last chance.
All I can do is admit that I have no control over any of it and try my best not to obsess. Basically, this blog post is one of the few indulgences I give myself about the IVF. Although, D and I did have a discussion the other night about baby names. Apparently he thinks King would be a great name. "King Morrow" he said in a slightly British accent and then gave an evil laugh. THAT is why we get along so well!
The donor started her stim meds on the 5th. So, what will happen is that she'll take these for about 7 days. In a normal cycle, one of her follicles would developing into an egg. In an IVF cycle, ALL of her follicles will develop into eggs. I can't tell you how glad I am that I'm not doing this part. Because there are so many eggs in your ovaries, it makes your ovaries feel like giant tennis balls. The last time I did it, the hormones whacked me out so much that I slept for the last 2 days. I feel bad for the donor a bit because she's never done a cycle before. I do know from her file that she has 2 kids, so I hope it's not too rough for her.
As soon as her eggs are all ready to go, I get to stop the Lupron. YAY!!!! Of course, then I get to start butt shots with 1 1/2" needles, but let's not get ahead of ourselves!
Right now, I don't know how to feel about the whole cycle. Taking the shots and meds is pretty much second nature to me at this point. The side effects are a huge drag. But then, this is when hope and excitement start to creep in. Once the donor has the egg retrieval and we find out each day how the embryos are doing, it's going to be really hard not to get excited. I'm unbelievably scared that we'll have similar results to last time. Embryos that looked ok but really weren't. There's zero explanation as to what happened so I don't know if it will happen again. AND, this is it...this is our last chance.
All I can do is admit that I have no control over any of it and try my best not to obsess. Basically, this blog post is one of the few indulgences I give myself about the IVF. Although, D and I did have a discussion the other night about baby names. Apparently he thinks King would be a great name. "King Morrow" he said in a slightly British accent and then gave an evil laugh. THAT is why we get along so well!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Diary of the Wannabe Disengaged
I love my husband. I'm very lucky to have him in my life. We've been through so much with all these treatments and he's been so supportive. But right now, I'm annoyed. I've been on the couch for 3 days with a headache to end all headaches. I go to sleep with it and I wake up with it and I'm just not much fun. He didn't even call me today to see how I was feeling. I called him at 4pm and he said he has to call me back in a 1/2 hour. Um yeah. Well, that didn't make me feel any better. Actually nothing he is doing is making me feel any better. He's barely doing his chores much less helping me with mine right now. He hasn't once said, I want to make you dinner tonight....or helped me so that I don't have to do all the planning for once. He seems to have checked out of this IVF cycle. The other night I was sleeping on the couch. He woke me up and told me it was time for bed, but didn't remind me that I needed my lupron shot. That could have been a huge problem. Luckily, I remembered just before we turned out the lights and got out of bed to do it. It feels more like MY IVF cycle not OUR IVF cycle.
I don't blame him really. I wish I could check out too. But, I have to remember the shot and the pills and the appointments. The last thing I want to do is to go through this again or feel like this again but it's the only way for us to have a baby. If only the man could do a couple of cycles and the woman could do a couple of cycles. It would seem more fair.
I've been very lonely the past few days. I'm here alone with my symptoms like this crazy headache and my crazy thoughts. I go to the IVF appointments by myself now because he doesn't work down the street from the doctor's office anymore and he has to leave really early for work. I work from home, so I'm here all day trying to break through the medication fog that has me feeling like crap.
It's not just him, I think everyone is done with our IVF. My friends try so hard to relate and be supportive but it's a huge conversation downer. After 7 IVFs, it's pretty much the same story again and again.
I went and had my hair cut today. I was feeling so blah that I thought I could use a change. I went in there wanting purple highlights, but they didn't have the color to do it. I also found out I'd have to refresh it every 2 weeks b/c it would fade. Once I told her about the IVF she said how sad I looked when I couldn't get the purple....and she understood. Turns out the hairdresser is going through IUI and is having her procedure in a couple of days. It was nice to talk to someone who could relate. She's 30 and has had 4 miscarriages this year. Strangely that comforted me. There was actually someone else out there who is working and living every day dealing with all of this. I needed some purple to get me out of my funk. Oh well, I like my hair though...and I'm just going to have to ride the wave of funk and hope (I hate that word "hope") this all works out.
I don't blame him really. I wish I could check out too. But, I have to remember the shot and the pills and the appointments. The last thing I want to do is to go through this again or feel like this again but it's the only way for us to have a baby. If only the man could do a couple of cycles and the woman could do a couple of cycles. It would seem more fair.
I've been very lonely the past few days. I'm here alone with my symptoms like this crazy headache and my crazy thoughts. I go to the IVF appointments by myself now because he doesn't work down the street from the doctor's office anymore and he has to leave really early for work. I work from home, so I'm here all day trying to break through the medication fog that has me feeling like crap.
It's not just him, I think everyone is done with our IVF. My friends try so hard to relate and be supportive but it's a huge conversation downer. After 7 IVFs, it's pretty much the same story again and again.
I went and had my hair cut today. I was feeling so blah that I thought I could use a change. I went in there wanting purple highlights, but they didn't have the color to do it. I also found out I'd have to refresh it every 2 weeks b/c it would fade. Once I told her about the IVF she said how sad I looked when I couldn't get the purple....and she understood. Turns out the hairdresser is going through IUI and is having her procedure in a couple of days. It was nice to talk to someone who could relate. She's 30 and has had 4 miscarriages this year. Strangely that comforted me. There was actually someone else out there who is working and living every day dealing with all of this. I needed some purple to get me out of my funk. Oh well, I like my hair though...and I'm just going to have to ride the wave of funk and hope (I hate that word "hope") this all works out.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Yes, we have some morulas.....we have some morulas today!
Actually yesterday, but you get the idea. The term the embryologist used was "compacting"...we had 4 compacting embryos as of yesterday as well as 1-10 cell, 1-9 cell, 1- 8 cell and the rest of 6's, 5's and 2-4's. The 2-4 cells had not doubled since the previous day so they are peetering out. But, the great news is that, as of yesterday we had 4 compacting embryos which means they are exactly on track for day 4 development. Of course, as soon as I got off the phone I had to google more info on morulas(it's what I do). It gave me chills reading about it....I was just amazed. Check out this cool pic (not my embryo) and explanation.
"This is a compacting morula. There are many cells and the cell borders are becoming fuzzy as the embryo "compacts". With compaction it looks as though the cells are "melting together". A morula contains about 10-30 cells. The morula stage is the final stage prior to formation of a fluid filled cavity called the blastocoel cavity.
Embryo arrest at the morula stage is not uncommon, which is one reason that transfer at the blastocyst stage can be a beneficial IVF treatment strategy."
Well, since I haven't received my day 5 results yet, we'll totally ignore the last sentence and think happy, happy thoughts about blastocysts.
So, think hopeful thoughts for us that our embryos made it through to blast. So far we have had every indication that this extreme change in protocol was the right one, but today is the next big hurdle. There's always a chance we could walk in for our transfer today and find out that none of them made it through this stage.
I know, I know, happy thoughts.....this is why they gave me the valium for today!
I must find the happy place!
"This is a compacting morula. There are many cells and the cell borders are becoming fuzzy as the embryo "compacts". With compaction it looks as though the cells are "melting together". A morula contains about 10-30 cells. The morula stage is the final stage prior to formation of a fluid filled cavity called the blastocoel cavity.
Embryo arrest at the morula stage is not uncommon, which is one reason that transfer at the blastocyst stage can be a beneficial IVF treatment strategy."
Well, since I haven't received my day 5 results yet, we'll totally ignore the last sentence and think happy, happy thoughts about blastocysts.
So, think hopeful thoughts for us that our embryos made it through to blast. So far we have had every indication that this extreme change in protocol was the right one, but today is the next big hurdle. There's always a chance we could walk in for our transfer today and find out that none of them made it through this stage.
I know, I know, happy thoughts.....this is why they gave me the valium for today!
I must find the happy place!
Friday, September 18, 2009
A whole new wave!
It's 3am and it's the nausea wave I'm riding today. I'm on day 4 of ganerilix. I had to start it a little early b/c my estrogen levels were high. Nausea, unfortunately, is one of the side effects. D rolled over and suddenly I felt like I was on the Bering Sea on a Deadliest Catch boat. I don't remember having this before, or being so freakin' uncomfortable that my ovaries woke me up in the middle of the night. Alas, this is my lot this time. I'm REALLY hoping they will tell me I can take my trigger shot at tomorrow's appt. That means all the meds would finally stop.
I weighed in at WW this morning, but only lost a 1/2 lb. I'm assuming it's b/c of the giant follicles in me right now. I'm drinking lots of water, but it's not all coming out the other way. Can you say water retention?
It's so hard just sitting around doing nothing right now. I have so many projects I want to do before it gets too cold. I'm all ready to go with painting and redecorating our bathroom....the ladder is in the hallway and the paint is purchased. It's all on hold because I realized if I started I wouldn't be able to finish for a few weeks. Painting during the two week wait is not really a good idea.
I won't even mention the debacle going on with our kitchen renovation contractor. I'm trying to stay as zen as possible. He's not helping.
I weighed in at WW this morning, but only lost a 1/2 lb. I'm assuming it's b/c of the giant follicles in me right now. I'm drinking lots of water, but it's not all coming out the other way. Can you say water retention?
It's so hard just sitting around doing nothing right now. I have so many projects I want to do before it gets too cold. I'm all ready to go with painting and redecorating our bathroom....the ladder is in the hallway and the paint is purchased. It's all on hold because I realized if I started I wouldn't be able to finish for a few weeks. Painting during the two week wait is not really a good idea.
I won't even mention the debacle going on with our kitchen renovation contractor. I'm trying to stay as zen as possible. He's not helping.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Sigh....well......
.....it doesn't get much better, at least in my opinion. I had my 2nd checkup on Friday. I saw about 5 growing follicles in the right ovary. These seemed to be growing very unevenly though. On the left, well, I don't know what the hell is happening on the left. I really couldn't see. I couldn't clearly count any it was just a lot of fuzzy blobs. This is definitely different the my previous 2 cycles.
So Friday I focused on planning the decor of my bathroom. Then right before D came home, my mom called to ask how my appt went. As I told her, it just all came up and I suddenly couldn't push down the fact that this cycle sucks any longer. So, I did what any normal girl in the midst of a sucky IVF cycle would do. I downed a bottle of wine with my hubby and drunk dialed the drs office! OK, maybe I wasn't that drunk, but just enough buzz for me to let out all the feelings and worries about this cycle. I had already told the nurse I was upset at my appt, so this time I asked a dr to call me.
I was so worried that no one would call me back on Saturday and I'd have to wait all weekend. But, the new dr. (the one who I call "Mr. No Pain Biopsy to whom I might be related"....he has a family last name...long story) called and was very understanding of all my concerns. I told him how Dr. B said that my fertility wasn't going to fall off a cliff that it's a gradual decline, but in 6 months since my last fresh cycle, this feels like falling off a cliff.
Basically, he said my estrogen levels were good...and that it is still too early to tell. I could cancel the cycle if I want, but if I waited until my appt on Monday, I might have a better idea what is really happening in there. So, he promised to be there for my appt and help me decide.
Can it really be all over for me? I mean, we still have other options, but none of them include D and I have a child that is both of ours. Is it just hugely narcissistic to want that? It's just so hard to come to grips with it since I've wanted a child since I was in my early 20s. I was torn apart at the fact that my first husband was sooooo not ready to have a child. And after 9 years I had to realize that he was not a good person to have children with...not for me at least. I dealt with that for so long and then being single for so long it becomes a kind of chicken before the egg kind of thing and you refocus your priorities to just having a nice person to date or finding some great friends.
Then, I FINALLY meet a wonderful guy who is not only so much fun and affectionate and mature, but really wants kids too. Now this. I know, it's not like we can't have kids at all but I really wanted to see how the mix of extreme niceness and sarcasm would turn out, ya know? Would the baby speak in a british accent or in a southern one? Inquiring minds want to know!!!!
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. We're going in tomorrow to figure out what to do. The journey is definitely at a crossroads. This whole struggle has definitely taught me to get used to things being out of my control. It's taught me that all the things I never wanted to do or was scared to death to do, not only can I do, but I can handle and sometimes I even frickin' volunteer for. I actually said to the doctor "I could do IVF a million times if I had to, but our bank account can't"...and it's true. I've put my life in total limbo. I can't book a wedding b/c it's too far out to know if I'll be pregnant. I'm dedicating my whole life to this right now. D and I are dedicating (or have decidated) all our savings to it. Now we may have to realize that we can't make it happen the way we thought....we may have to regroup. I'm sure we'll figure it out, b/c in the end all we really want is to be a family.
It's a great day to go to a baby shower no? For someone who got married a year after we did. Time for my game face. sigh
So Friday I focused on planning the decor of my bathroom. Then right before D came home, my mom called to ask how my appt went. As I told her, it just all came up and I suddenly couldn't push down the fact that this cycle sucks any longer. So, I did what any normal girl in the midst of a sucky IVF cycle would do. I downed a bottle of wine with my hubby and drunk dialed the drs office! OK, maybe I wasn't that drunk, but just enough buzz for me to let out all the feelings and worries about this cycle. I had already told the nurse I was upset at my appt, so this time I asked a dr to call me.
I was so worried that no one would call me back on Saturday and I'd have to wait all weekend. But, the new dr. (the one who I call "Mr. No Pain Biopsy to whom I might be related"....he has a family last name...long story) called and was very understanding of all my concerns. I told him how Dr. B said that my fertility wasn't going to fall off a cliff that it's a gradual decline, but in 6 months since my last fresh cycle, this feels like falling off a cliff.
Basically, he said my estrogen levels were good...and that it is still too early to tell. I could cancel the cycle if I want, but if I waited until my appt on Monday, I might have a better idea what is really happening in there. So, he promised to be there for my appt and help me decide.
Can it really be all over for me? I mean, we still have other options, but none of them include D and I have a child that is both of ours. Is it just hugely narcissistic to want that? It's just so hard to come to grips with it since I've wanted a child since I was in my early 20s. I was torn apart at the fact that my first husband was sooooo not ready to have a child. And after 9 years I had to realize that he was not a good person to have children with...not for me at least. I dealt with that for so long and then being single for so long it becomes a kind of chicken before the egg kind of thing and you refocus your priorities to just having a nice person to date or finding some great friends.
Then, I FINALLY meet a wonderful guy who is not only so much fun and affectionate and mature, but really wants kids too. Now this. I know, it's not like we can't have kids at all but I really wanted to see how the mix of extreme niceness and sarcasm would turn out, ya know? Would the baby speak in a british accent or in a southern one? Inquiring minds want to know!!!!
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. We're going in tomorrow to figure out what to do. The journey is definitely at a crossroads. This whole struggle has definitely taught me to get used to things being out of my control. It's taught me that all the things I never wanted to do or was scared to death to do, not only can I do, but I can handle and sometimes I even frickin' volunteer for. I actually said to the doctor "I could do IVF a million times if I had to, but our bank account can't"...and it's true. I've put my life in total limbo. I can't book a wedding b/c it's too far out to know if I'll be pregnant. I'm dedicating my whole life to this right now. D and I are dedicating (or have decidated) all our savings to it. Now we may have to realize that we can't make it happen the way we thought....we may have to regroup. I'm sure we'll figure it out, b/c in the end all we really want is to be a family.
It's a great day to go to a baby shower no? For someone who got married a year after we did. Time for my game face. sigh
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
CoCulture Smulture
D and I are back from a fantastic week of wine and friends in the Finger Lakes. We had such a great time. The view (and the wine) were totally relaxing. Yesterday was my second day home and also my scheduled co-culture biopsy. I've been pretty nervous about it ever since I read that a 1-2" area would be taken. I remember the tiny sample that was taken during my hysteroscopy and that was not fun.
I'm not sure if it was the new doctor or the percocet, valium and ibuprofen in my system, but it truly wasn't bad at all. I'm so so glad that I opted for this rather than the D&C idea. I KNEW that would be painful. Not to mention, I've read lots of research papers about the increase in embryo quality from co-culturing....some of which were written by my doctor.
So....sigh.....easy peasy lemon squeezy....for once!
I'm not sure if it was the new doctor or the percocet, valium and ibuprofen in my system, but it truly wasn't bad at all. I'm so so glad that I opted for this rather than the D&C idea. I KNEW that would be painful. Not to mention, I've read lots of research papers about the increase in embryo quality from co-culturing....some of which were written by my doctor.
So....sigh.....easy peasy lemon squeezy....for once!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
There's no sex in IVF
The #3 in the top 3 things not to say to someone doing IVF. Let's review: 1) Just relax and take a vacation 2) Try not to think about it and yes, you guessed it.... 3) At least you get to have fun trying.
Yeah, well, there is no fun "trying" in IVF. Most of the time, you have so many extreme symptoms and discomfort that bodily contact is strictly out of the question (if you know what's good for you!). The rest of the time, you have to use condoms and try NOT to get pregnant or take antibiotics to kill any bacteria or germs. I always knew boys had cooties but this is a bit over the top. And, since the IVF suppression cycle requires you to take birth control pills (BCPs) for a few weeks, this causes you to start spotting on and off the entire time.
So there's a small time frame when you're finished your last cycle (after a week of cramps from hell) and not fully into the next where you can be normal for a just a second. It's that point where your ovaries are no longer the size of tennis balls and your boobs feel normal again. You maybe, just maybe would consider letting someone touch them.
So I'm in "the window" RIGHT NOW, and then the nurse tells me to go to the store and buy Monistat vaginal yeast infection cream and use it for 3 days. really????????????????? ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! seriously???????????? I think it has something to do with the coculture but damn, can't they just give me a pill?
The fertility gods laugh and laugh.........bastards!
So, there is definitely no sex in the champagne room for us right now. sigh
Yeah, well, there is no fun "trying" in IVF. Most of the time, you have so many extreme symptoms and discomfort that bodily contact is strictly out of the question (if you know what's good for you!). The rest of the time, you have to use condoms and try NOT to get pregnant or take antibiotics to kill any bacteria or germs. I always knew boys had cooties but this is a bit over the top. And, since the IVF suppression cycle requires you to take birth control pills (BCPs) for a few weeks, this causes you to start spotting on and off the entire time.
So there's a small time frame when you're finished your last cycle (after a week of cramps from hell) and not fully into the next where you can be normal for a just a second. It's that point where your ovaries are no longer the size of tennis balls and your boobs feel normal again. You maybe, just maybe would consider letting someone touch them.
So I'm in "the window" RIGHT NOW, and then the nurse tells me to go to the store and buy Monistat vaginal yeast infection cream and use it for 3 days. really????????????????? ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! seriously???????????? I think it has something to do with the coculture but damn, can't they just give me a pill?
The fertility gods laugh and laugh.........bastards!
So, there is definitely no sex in the champagne room for us right now. sigh
Friday, August 14, 2009
the fun continues
All lowercase......nuf said
I'm in NC this week. My brother and his family rented a house here and he asked me too. It's so nice to get away, but it's also hard to get away with the limbo of IVF. I've been on the phone with my drs office countless times trying to coordinate what we should do for our next cycle. One person tells me it's not a problem, the next says "well you're not in town so I'm not sure this is going to work out". Frick people! I need to have a life! I can't just sit at home and wait to NOT be pregnant!
So, here I am. I spoke with the dr on Tuesday. There was a suggestion a few months ago about a new "idea" that doing a D&C could "reboot" your system and make your IVF more successful. Well, I've not been able to find anything out there (aka on the internet) indicating this is true. I've actually found lots of notes saying that the opposite might be true and the risks involved in doing a D&C. Honestly though, it's more of an emotional decision to do that procedure for me. It's not something I ever wanted to do once, but had to....much less CHOOSE to do!
After talking it over with my doctor, he didn't have any concrete evidence that this would help me....so we nixed the idea. I suggested another course of action (yeah I know, shouldn't the doctor be doing that?) and he was all for it. I suggested a doing a fresh cycle, letting all the embryos get to blastocyst stage (120 cells) and doing a co-culture biopsy. OK, in non-ivfer terms here is what that means. Instead of waiting 3 days and seeing if the embryos get to 6 or 8 cells, you wait 5-6 days and see how many make it to blastocysts. Blastocysts are much more likely to implant...but at my age, it's a risk. The other risk is that embryos do much better in the womb than they do in a petri dish. That's where the co-cultured biopsy comes in. In the cycle before my ivf cycle (which is what I'm working on now) they will do a biopsy and take some of my lining. They will freeze this, then put it in with my embryos next cycle to help them grow.
Studies have shown this to be very helpful, but it is still considered experimental. Still, it's much less experimental than a pointless D&C.
So, that's the plan. We're taking a chance that none will make it to blastocyst...but both D and I feel like we need to change it up. What we've been doing feels too much like a shot in the dark and we need to increase the odds. Cross your fingers! Away we go....again!
I'm in NC this week. My brother and his family rented a house here and he asked me too. It's so nice to get away, but it's also hard to get away with the limbo of IVF. I've been on the phone with my drs office countless times trying to coordinate what we should do for our next cycle. One person tells me it's not a problem, the next says "well you're not in town so I'm not sure this is going to work out". Frick people! I need to have a life! I can't just sit at home and wait to NOT be pregnant!
So, here I am. I spoke with the dr on Tuesday. There was a suggestion a few months ago about a new "idea" that doing a D&C could "reboot" your system and make your IVF more successful. Well, I've not been able to find anything out there (aka on the internet) indicating this is true. I've actually found lots of notes saying that the opposite might be true and the risks involved in doing a D&C. Honestly though, it's more of an emotional decision to do that procedure for me. It's not something I ever wanted to do once, but had to....much less CHOOSE to do!
After talking it over with my doctor, he didn't have any concrete evidence that this would help me....so we nixed the idea. I suggested another course of action (yeah I know, shouldn't the doctor be doing that?) and he was all for it. I suggested a doing a fresh cycle, letting all the embryos get to blastocyst stage (120 cells) and doing a co-culture biopsy. OK, in non-ivfer terms here is what that means. Instead of waiting 3 days and seeing if the embryos get to 6 or 8 cells, you wait 5-6 days and see how many make it to blastocysts. Blastocysts are much more likely to implant...but at my age, it's a risk. The other risk is that embryos do much better in the womb than they do in a petri dish. That's where the co-cultured biopsy comes in. In the cycle before my ivf cycle (which is what I'm working on now) they will do a biopsy and take some of my lining. They will freeze this, then put it in with my embryos next cycle to help them grow.
Studies have shown this to be very helpful, but it is still considered experimental. Still, it's much less experimental than a pointless D&C.
So, that's the plan. We're taking a chance that none will make it to blastocyst...but both D and I feel like we need to change it up. What we've been doing feels too much like a shot in the dark and we need to increase the odds. Cross your fingers! Away we go....again!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Yaaaaawn!
Is it wrong to take a nap 3 hours after you wake up in the morning? Either I'm not
sleeping well or these damn fertility drugs are zapping the life right out of me. I ain't got that thing, and I ain't got that zing.
Last night was the last lupron shot. Yay!!! Now we move on to Progesterone-in-oil, featuring such side effects as: fatigue, nausea, dizziness, worsening of asthma symptoms....uh oh....this may not be an improvement. PIO is also "interesting" in that it makes you have the same symptoms as pregnancy. And by "interesting" I mean "torturous" and "evil". Nothing like waiting for the pregnancy test for two weeks while experiencing every normal pregnancy symptom to make a girl go mad.
Yet, it all brings us closer to the possibility of a positive outcome. Someday, I'd love to move on to whining about actual pregnancy symptoms!!!!!
sleeping well or these damn fertility drugs are zapping the life right out of me. I ain't got that thing, and I ain't got that zing.
Last night was the last lupron shot. Yay!!! Now we move on to Progesterone-in-oil, featuring such side effects as: fatigue, nausea, dizziness, worsening of asthma symptoms....uh oh....this may not be an improvement. PIO is also "interesting" in that it makes you have the same symptoms as pregnancy. And by "interesting" I mean "torturous" and "evil". Nothing like waiting for the pregnancy test for two weeks while experiencing every normal pregnancy symptom to make a girl go mad.
Yet, it all brings us closer to the possibility of a positive outcome. Someday, I'd love to move on to whining about actual pregnancy symptoms!!!!!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Best (and weirdest) Compliment That Made My Day!
We went to our early morning checkup this morning. During the u/s, the nurse said how they would check my bloodwork and get back to me about my meds....b/c they are concerned with OHSS (Ovarian HyperStimulation Syndrome). I said I heard that wasn't common in someone my age. She said "Are you 40? I hadn't looked at your chart...I had no idea. You don't look it and neither do your ovaries!" While it was really nice to hear that I didn't look 40, strangely, it was even nicer to hear that my ovaries are not reacting like their 40. Whooo hooo!
I had lots of follicles today. She didn't even bother to count them....but she measured the largest ones between 13mm and 10+ mm. The ones on the left are lagging behind a bit (around 10mm) but hopefully they will catch up soon. I had such a sense of excitement after this appt. Before I started, I was really worried that my cycle could get cancelled or that I'd have a bad response. I guess I feel a sense of relief now that at least we have a good shot (no pun intended) at this working. It would be even greater if we had so many good follicles that we could freeze some, but now I'm just getting greedy I know!
When my bloodwork came back, the nurse called and told me to skip my AM Gonal-F and to take 300 units tonight instead. I guess I'm coasting for the day. The doctor told me during our IVF consult that chances were slim that anyone my age could have OHSS so I think it's wild that they are so concerned about that in me and are adjusting all my meds. I just hope it doesn't effect the growth.
So far, it looks like we are still on track for ER on Thursday. I must go change out of these jeans and into yoga pants now. My ovaries are demanding it!
I had lots of follicles today. She didn't even bother to count them....but she measured the largest ones between 13mm and 10+ mm. The ones on the left are lagging behind a bit (around 10mm) but hopefully they will catch up soon. I had such a sense of excitement after this appt. Before I started, I was really worried that my cycle could get cancelled or that I'd have a bad response. I guess I feel a sense of relief now that at least we have a good shot (no pun intended) at this working. It would be even greater if we had so many good follicles that we could freeze some, but now I'm just getting greedy I know!
When my bloodwork came back, the nurse called and told me to skip my AM Gonal-F and to take 300 units tonight instead. I guess I'm coasting for the day. The doctor told me during our IVF consult that chances were slim that anyone my age could have OHSS so I think it's wild that they are so concerned about that in me and are adjusting all my meds. I just hope it doesn't effect the growth.
So far, it looks like we are still on track for ER on Thursday. I must go change out of these jeans and into yoga pants now. My ovaries are demanding it!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Inundated!
I'm on information overload this morning! I'm seriously convinced that a good portion of IVF cycles fail because of taking the wrong shot at the wrong time or the wrong dose. There is so much information and so many appointments, it's really easy to get mixed up. Of course, for all who know me, you know I already have a calendar marking which day I'm taking what and have all my drs appts color coded etc. Still, it's a bit much.
So my drs appt today consisted of three parts. First was the blood test. This will check my hormone levels. I guess I'll call later today for the results. Next was a "uterine sounding". This was to measure the size and shape of my uterus. When the embryos are put back in after they are fertilized, it's critical that the procedure is as gentle as possible. So, basically they prod the back of your uterus and measure how far back it is so that they don't go too far. The doctor described this as "like a pap smear with a little zinger". I told him if the zinger was a shot of vodka then fine, otherwise........ OTHERWISE, I'll tell you it's not very comfortable. It was quick at least, but I've been cramping on and off every since the appt. No cool man, not cool.
The last part of the appt was the ultrasound (u/s). He took a quick count and could see at least 11 antral follicles. They were bigger than last time. I was hoping for more. I'm not sure if this means this is the most I can possibly get. I guess we'll have to wait and see. He didn't seemed to be concerned about it so I guess it's an ok response.
I got to test using an actual syringe during the appt. It was good because the Gonal-F pen takes a lot of pressure to inject. Good to know. I'm going to have to work on my "dart" technique. I have a feeling I'll be using the "chicken shit" technique in the beginning. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
So my drs appt today consisted of three parts. First was the blood test. This will check my hormone levels. I guess I'll call later today for the results. Next was a "uterine sounding". This was to measure the size and shape of my uterus. When the embryos are put back in after they are fertilized, it's critical that the procedure is as gentle as possible. So, basically they prod the back of your uterus and measure how far back it is so that they don't go too far. The doctor described this as "like a pap smear with a little zinger". I told him if the zinger was a shot of vodka then fine, otherwise........ OTHERWISE, I'll tell you it's not very comfortable. It was quick at least, but I've been cramping on and off every since the appt. No cool man, not cool.
The last part of the appt was the ultrasound (u/s). He took a quick count and could see at least 11 antral follicles. They were bigger than last time. I was hoping for more. I'm not sure if this means this is the most I can possibly get. I guess we'll have to wait and see. He didn't seemed to be concerned about it so I guess it's an ok response.
I got to test using an actual syringe during the appt. It was good because the Gonal-F pen takes a lot of pressure to inject. Good to know. I'm going to have to work on my "dart" technique. I have a feeling I'll be using the "chicken shit" technique in the beginning. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Everybody Limbo!
OK just me....I'm in limbo, but luckily it's only for a few more days. I keep having dreams about giving myself shots. What if I squeeze too hard and the needle goes in one way and comes out the other? What if I jab myself and it hurts so bad I run screaming around the room? I've had needles before, I did allergy shots for years. I seriously need to chill.
Our RE's office sponsors a support group a couple times a month. We went to it last night. Sometimes I am hesitant to go. There are couples who have been through a whole lotta shit! You can see how much they want to be parents and how much pain they are in. I try not to think too much about the what ifs...."what if this doesn't work", "what if this doesn't ever happen for us"....and that's hard to do when it's staring you in the face and you're seeing it in someone else.
But, we always do go to the support group and each time, I'm so glad that I did. The last time, we heard about this couple who were young and both had such a challenging situation. What really struck me about them was that they made us all laugh. They had such a great perspective on the whole thing. I decided that I didn't want to be depressed and pessimistic, I wanted to go through (or try to go through) this journey with that kind of attitude.
I also learned about egg retrieval and transfer procedures. Apparently you are in a procedure room with a window and the embryologists are passing your "stuff" back and forth and there are lots of people around. It's good to have that knowledge before you go in. There's nothing more stressful than having your legs in the stirrups and suddenly hear a window open and lots of discussion about your hoo-hah!
Last night I was speaking to someone in the group who just finished one IVF (BFN) in November and would be starting her next round at the same time as me. I told her I would be taking Gonal-F. This medication comes in a pen dispenser that can give multiple doses. You dial up the dose you need each time and then pull back the plunger. Each pen costs about $1100....and only has about 3 doses on it. The other woman in the group told me to be sure not to overdial beyond my dosage, b/c you can't dial it back. You basically have to shoot out the extra medication and waste it. That's definitely a good tip.
So, I wait and I learn and try not to freak out! I hope this week goes quickly!
Our RE's office sponsors a support group a couple times a month. We went to it last night. Sometimes I am hesitant to go. There are couples who have been through a whole lotta shit! You can see how much they want to be parents and how much pain they are in. I try not to think too much about the what ifs...."what if this doesn't work", "what if this doesn't ever happen for us"....and that's hard to do when it's staring you in the face and you're seeing it in someone else.
But, we always do go to the support group and each time, I'm so glad that I did. The last time, we heard about this couple who were young and both had such a challenging situation. What really struck me about them was that they made us all laugh. They had such a great perspective on the whole thing. I decided that I didn't want to be depressed and pessimistic, I wanted to go through (or try to go through) this journey with that kind of attitude.
I also learned about egg retrieval and transfer procedures. Apparently you are in a procedure room with a window and the embryologists are passing your "stuff" back and forth and there are lots of people around. It's good to have that knowledge before you go in. There's nothing more stressful than having your legs in the stirrups and suddenly hear a window open and lots of discussion about your hoo-hah!
Last night I was speaking to someone in the group who just finished one IVF (BFN) in November and would be starting her next round at the same time as me. I told her I would be taking Gonal-F. This medication comes in a pen dispenser that can give multiple doses. You dial up the dose you need each time and then pull back the plunger. Each pen costs about $1100....and only has about 3 doses on it. The other woman in the group told me to be sure not to overdial beyond my dosage, b/c you can't dial it back. You basically have to shoot out the extra medication and waste it. That's definitely a good tip.
So, I wait and I learn and try not to freak out! I hope this week goes quickly!
Monday, January 5, 2009
More Needles!
Yes, I received even more needles and drugs in the mail today. It was my last lone prescription of low dose hcg. Apparently, this medication only lasts for 30 days and then is ineffective. So, they didn't want to send it too early. It is always unsettling to open up a fedex and see a giant package of syringes. (breathe breathe) I think the whole shot thing would be ok if I didn't have to look. That's usually how I get through them in the drs office. It could prove to be a bad move though when giving myself the shots.
Hubby and I had an early morning drs appt today too. It was for a genetic consult. We had one before during the pregnancy, but our IVF nurse insisted that there was more information I needed to know specifically regarding IVF. Yeah....um.....no. It was completely the same....if not less information....useless. Oh well. Take my money, what do I care?
My co-worker who knows all about my IVF plans (probably more than she ever wanted to know) tried to rile me up and get me all upset that about the useless appt. (Oh sure, everyone loves pissing me off don't they? It's all fun and games until I poke someone's eye out! :P) She was very disappointed that I didn't take the bait. When you're spending $10,000, $125 bucks isn't worth the trouble of getting wound up. Sorry chica!
Hubby and I had an early morning drs appt today too. It was for a genetic consult. We had one before during the pregnancy, but our IVF nurse insisted that there was more information I needed to know specifically regarding IVF. Yeah....um.....no. It was completely the same....if not less information....useless. Oh well. Take my money, what do I care?
My co-worker who knows all about my IVF plans (probably more than she ever wanted to know) tried to rile me up and get me all upset that about the useless appt. (Oh sure, everyone loves pissing me off don't they? It's all fun and games until I poke someone's eye out! :P) She was very disappointed that I didn't take the bait. When you're spending $10,000, $125 bucks isn't worth the trouble of getting wound up. Sorry chica!
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