The rest of the story ......

I just finally published all the posts I made after my pregnancy test. In case there are people out there going through the same things who happen to read this blog....I published them to let you know you are not alone. It has been very helpful to me in the past 1 1/2 years to go through and read the journey others have taken. Sometimes it seems that all of the journeys end in happy endings, but mostly I think that's just because it's so hard to write about it when they don't.

So here's my ending......

The morning of November 2nd I received a call from my aunt. She told my that my cousin just had her baby. I was happy for her.....I wondered if I was only happy b/c I was pregnant too.....but no, I was definitely happy for her. Of course, I desperately wanted that to be me as well. We had a 1pm u/s appt....the big 8 week appt that we both knew was the make or break u/s. If we could get passed this ultrasound, I may actually start to be excited about being pregnant. We sat in the eerily familiar waiting room as I tried to drink more water until we were called in. I changed into my gown and the u/s tech started the u/s as I explained to her our past history and how important this day was for us.

It quickly turned into a deja vu moment that I never wanted to have. The u/s tech could not find the sac, so she sent me to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then, we moved on to the vaginal u/s. (I already know where this is going but I'm holding my breath for a different outcome) We find the sac and can see blood flowing all around it.....but I don't see a heartbeat....and I barely see anything inside the sac. It seems a long time as the tech keeps looking but she finally says that the baby's size is only about 5 1/2 weeks, which means it shrunk from the last u/s...which means.....well.... that's when I started to cry. She says she is so sorry and leaves us alone. And then all I could say softly was "fuck.....fuck....fuck" as Dan hugged me. And then, it was all over. We both knew this was it. No matter what the doctors keep telling us, our chance for having our own genetic child was done. We don't have unlimited funds and I don't have the unlimited emotional strength to go through this again and again. I'd like my mental state and our marriage to remain intact.

I went in 2 days later for the d&e......and was very thankful not to run into my aunt or uncle anywhere in the hospital that day. A few days after I developed major pain and had to go to the er. It turned into a 3 weeks saga but I'm finally recovered.

We have other options left to have a family.....for the past couple of months we've just been recovering from a very very long year.

Here I go again....

....with my pre-appointment freaking out post. I have about 2 hours to go until my u/s appt with the high-risk perinatalogist this morning. I'm scared as hell, but I am feeling hopeful that things will be ok. I've had a weekend filled with pregnancy symptoms like fatigue and dizziness as well as pushes, pulls and soreness in my belly and boobs....so I'm hoping that's an indication that beanie baby is alive and kicking....or twitching to be more specific....since that's supposed to start this week.

The contractor is putting in our kitchen cabinets today so that's very exciting...and I just heard that my cousin had her baby this morning and they are both doing well. There's lots going on around me but there's really only one thing on my mind right now and it's that ultrasound.

I was reading a pregnancy book over the weekend and it said that the baby is the size of a cheerio cut in 1/2. Of course I made Dan go get a cheerio and cut it in half......and I taped it into the book. I mean, it had to be done! Let's hope our cheerio has a heartbeat today eh?

Girlies!!!

I told the girlies' (the TB's) about the pregnancy last night. We all got together for K's B-day. I really wanted to tell them in person. I was hoping to have the 2nd u/s with a heartbeat under my belt but I didn't want to wait b/c I have no idea when we'd be getting together next. I figured they were dying to know as much as I was! I showed them the u/s picture and they were all choked up. They are so sweet. J got all teared up and they all hugged me. Love those girlies!!!

Yesterday morning I went to get the H1N1 shot. They had a designated place set up for Montco residents (children 5-9 and pregnant women). So I get there 20 mins early and the parking lot is already full. Now this is one huge synagogue...so that's a big parking lot. I park on a side street and walk over. I was hoping the line (the giant line) would be inside, but alas no...and it goes along the whole sidewalk. I had to change into a short sleeve shirt to get the shot, so there I am in my t-shirt and lil leather jacket. oops. Luckily, we only waited about an hour....and I got to meet some nice people in the line.

On the way to girls' night though, I started feelin' wonky. I had the chills and was feeling a bit fluish. It got better when I ate some food, but then I woke up in the night with major stomach upset. This morning I slept until 9, despite the fact that the contractor comes at 8....and I'm still feeling kind of weird. Hopefully this will pass soon.

I definitely needed the shot though b/c I need to go to Matty's 5 year bday party in a couple of weeks and need to be protected from the slimy germs!!!

My new life....

So...what do you do when you are 41 1/2 and get pregnant? You make a new career out of going to doctor's appts of course!!! I'm going to have both a regular OB and a high-risk OB. I've just set up consultations, followed by ultrasounds followed by testing....blah blah blah. I love how they are making me get genetic counseling even though I've done that twice already. I wonder how getting pregnant again makes the schpeel any different?

Today I had to go to the RE's office and pick up copies of my file to give both offices. I've also been hunting down a place to get the H1N1 flu shot and luckily I found one. Even though you get pregnant, the appt and injection fun does not stop!

A Rollercoaster of a day!

We had our second u/s appt scheduled for 1:15pm. The last few hours before the appt were really nerve-wracking for me. I drove all the way up to Montgomery Mall to return something. I went to one store then decided to head back home. I was a totally mess basically. My stomach was a bit squirrely too.

So I go and give blood and then D and I wait in the waiting room. For another 1/2 hour!!! Uggggh, they are never on time on that side. Then we finally go into the exam room....and wait 15-20 minutes more. This time without my pants. That's always fun.

However, all our frustrations went away when we found out our doctor for the day would be Dr. S. yay! He always answers our questions so that put me at ease. So, on to the u/s. We were really nervous about seeing the heartbeat today. I see the sac and the baby and I see fluid moving around that I hadn't seen before....I was pretty sure that it was the heart. But, Dr. S puts a different screen up that shows the sound waves of the heartbeat and it was a flatline....ugggh this is what happened to us last time when we had our m/c so I became very anxious. Then he turns that off and continues to do the exam. He says that his silence is not an indication that anything is wrong ...that's when I ask him if there's a heartbeat. An he says "oh yes"....and shows me the spot...the one that I originally saw. yay! He said that this machine wasn't able to detect it on audio this early. sigh.....ok

Then we can see the placenta and he points everything out. Then, he gives the assistant the u/s and she starts poking and prodding in very bad directions. I'm not sure what she was measuring and looking for, but it was uncomfortable.

Anyway, we left with our cool picture and very excited. D and I went out to dinner to celebrate.

Here's the rollercoaster part. I got home from dinner and when I went to the bathroom found out I was bleeding. (damn u/s girl!) I immediately went and put my feet up for the rest of the night. Luckily the bleeding has stopped, but it was very scary end to a very exciting day.

Cakewalk....well, not so much

Which is worse? The two week wait or finding out your pregnant and having to wait a week between ultrasounds to see if you're STILL pregnant? Well, it's a trick question because they are both equally evil and maddening!!!

They gutted my kitchen yesterday so there's lots of activity going on. I've been running around packing boxes and setting up a makeshift kitchen in our backroom...now I'm on to answering contractor questions. You would think I'd have no time to be worried about the outcome of my new u/s right? You don't know me very well do you? I spend the time that I should be sleeping worrying about just that. Last night I was convinced that D used a regular tea bag not decaf in the nighttime tea he made me. I was that awake most of the night.

It doesn't help that I'm having these cramps on my right side. They are similar to "I'm about to get my period" cramps and the drs office said they were normal. They scare the shit out of me. I'll be here on the computer and get up to do something and have to stop in my tracks and breeeeeathe....breeeeeathe. Then they are gone again. Not cool fertility gods, not cool.

My boobs are starting to hurt a bit more and I notice my bra is getting a little snug. I feel a little like someone took a bike pump and put it.....let's say in my.....belly button (what did you think I was going to say? nice!) and is blowing me up like a Macy's Day Parade Float. Let's hope I don't explode in a public place!

Still no nausea or dizziness yet so I'm thankful for that. Now if I could I just flashforward about 7 months or at least 2 months and know this is all going to be ok?

If I didn't know.....

I wouldn't think that I'm pregnant. So far, I've had a couple days of fatigue and a few headaches. Compared to an IVF cycle, this is a cakewalk. Of course, I could be puking every 5 minutes next week but right now, I feel pretty good. I get mild cramps every once in a while which is kind of scary, but the doctor said this is normal. My boobs are a little sore, but no big deal.

This whole train of thought started yesterday after I did a 2 hour photo shoot for my cousin. I just couldn't believe how much energy I had. The last time I was pregnant I couldn't get off the couch. I tried weeding my garden while sitting on a stool and called D crying b/c it was too hard and I was too dizzy to do it. This time, the only similarity is that I'm thirsty as hell. It doesn't seem to be coming out in the quantity it's going in, so after gaining 1 1/2 lbs in 2 weeks, I've decided to stop looking on a daily basis. It's just too upsetting.

It's probably overly ambitious to be planning this kitchen renovation in the middle of all of this...but how did I know? I've had my life in limbo for so long I had to just decide to live it no matter what. And....it's the no matter what that is so scary to me now. I can't believe I have to wait another 4 days until the next u/s. I wish this room were padded!