I know....I know

A guy friend who had just become a dad pointed out how all the women who came over to hold his newborn said in a soothing voice "I know, I know" whenever the baby was upset. He wanted to know WHAT we knew and why we ALL said that! hee hee We'll never tell!

Now that I'm in the midst of my 8th IVF, I have to confess. I do know! I really do. So, even when it looks like you're not thinking about IVF....."I know, I know".

I know that you're cleaning your house on the weekend because your transfer will be within 3 to 5 days and you won't be able to clean after that.

I know that you just don't have a sudden craving for sushi. I know that you won't be able to have that in a couple of days so you can't stop thinking about it.

I know that you're trying to get in that last drop (or bottle) of wine with dinner before you can't.

I know that weening yourself off caffeine is easier said than done.

And I know how much you are freaking out on the inside, no matter how breezy you seem to everyone else.....and....so does your spouse.

I know all these things because today....was egg retrieval day for our donor. My husband got up at 6:30 am and gave his "sample" to the fertility clinic by 7:30 am. At 9, we received a call saying that 13 eggs were retrieved. Then, we went out for Dim Sum and a nice day in the city with our friends. I'm sure we seemed totally normal, but inside, all we could think about was those 13 eggs and if they will all fertilize by tomorrow. What should our plan be based on how many fertilize? Oh no, we're definitely not thinking about those results or that decision as we munch on shrimp shumai. Nooooo.

We are trying so hard not to think about it as I try so hard not to forget to take my estradiol, folate, prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin, progesterone in oil and prednisone at the recommended times during the day.

Sometimes when I'm doing IVF I notice these awkward silences with my friends. The silences are whenever the topic of IVF is in my head (which is often), but I know I've talked about it way too much. My mind is in an IVF fog and I literally have nothing else to talk about and nothing else currently happening in my life (anywhere near as important) to share. I feel a little hollow....a little uncool.....and more than a little obsessed.

So, if you're out there and you think no one can understand. If you think no one can knows how you're feeling right now, "I know, I know". I really do.