I went in on Monday for my 2nd lining check. Even though I've been technically doing this cycle since November, the appointments are pretty basic (especially when it's your 8th time). Up to now, I hadn't seen an IVF nurse OR one of the doctors. I've just had basic bloodwork and ultrasounds. Today though, was a double whammy since both the IVF nurse and the doctor came in.
All of a sudden I realized that it's getting close, things are finally happening. I found out that the donor has about 16 follicles that are developing. Especially when doing IVF, I would not describe myself as upbeat. The IVF meds usually exaggerate the anxiety and bitchy traits in me. But Monday, I'd describe myself as downright giddy. 1) It feels totally unnatural to me to feel so happy and 2)It scares the crap out me when it's related to IVF.
The last time I did a donor cycle I was so convinced it would work that I changed out the clothes in my closet to maternity clothes. Needless to say, disappointed doesn't accurately relate how I felt when the result was negative. Devastated is more like it.
So, when I feel excited and hopeful and giddy about the potential of this cycle, I remember that other feeling, the devastated one. I realize there's no way to protect myself. I just really hope we finally have some good news. It's been such a long journey, I'm ready for it to be over. I'm not really sure I have the strength to do more IVF if it doesn't work. And I KNOW we don't have the funds. No pressure, but this HAS to be the one.
So now it's Thursday and my giddiness has calmed down a bit. I've tried to focus on my business although the "focus" part has not been so easy. The Lupron injections combined with my anxiety over everything has not made me the most fun person to be around. Right now the phone is in front of me and I'm waiting for it to ring. I'm waiting for the update on the donor's appointment this morning. Once the majority of her follicles reach 16mm, she'll take an hcg shot. Her egg retrieval will be 36 hours later. That's when all the fun begins.
Oh yeah! I almost forgot. During the appointment on Monday, I'm chatting about how crazy I am on the Lupron and the IVF Nurse (who runs the egg donor program) says to the doctor. "The donor looks like her". I start babbling about the baby photo I saw of the donor with her black hair like when I was a baby. Later, I realized that the nurse actually KNOWS the donor and she's saying we look alike. I've just seen 4 photos. VERY COOL! It makes me feel like younger me is giving her eggs to older me. Hey, I'd go back in time and donate to myself if I could!
Anyway, back to staring at the phone.
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