D and I were debating whether to go to our support group last night. First, he said no b/c we don't have that much to talk about. I was like "are you crazy"? Then he clarified that sometimes it's like we're just reporting what's going on with us and hearing everyone else's stories, but not really getting much out of it....which is true. I'm the type to make jokes rather than cry in large group so sometimes I don't seem like the one who is the most upset. But we decided to go anyway basically due to that whole Forest Gump quote. See? There I go again.
So, we're all telling our stories from the beginning since there are 3 new people there. D and I talked about how to know when to change course, when to stop and how frustrating all of this is because you just don't know. Then, it gets to the last person, E. She's been in our group for a while and her and her husband have been through so much. They are in the middle of the adoption process as well because they had so many failed attempts. She's telling us about the terrible cycle she had and how she was convinced it didn't work........but .....it did. Now's she's pregnant and about to go in for her 2nd ultrasound. yay! She almost didn't come to the meeting but I'm so glad she did. She really gave D and I some hope for this cycle. Thanks E! and Forest!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Marching on......
I'll cut to the chase. Went in for my u/s this morning. There were some good sized follicles. They say they are in the same range as my other 2 cycles at this time. So basically they said the quantity can vary from cycle to cycle, but the response (growth, estrogen levels, etc.) is still really good for my age. Who knows what to believe anymore. I did see 6 decent ones on the right and 2 decent ones on the left and a few smaller ones. I guess we're moving forward. How do I feel about it all? Well, to quote Mike Doughty, "These fears are bountiful".
Now I have the craziest story to share. So, I went to my cousin's baby shower yesterday. And, just like her wedding shower, she had more people there than my actual wedding. It took her 3 hours to open all the gifts. We couldn't even see the front of the room. It was crazy! But she looked adorable and I'm so happy for her. She has lots of health problems so I'm so glad she didn't have to go through all of this too.
I must preface by saying...I love my Aunt...I really do. She is just the sweetest person and always doted on all of us. But...she is also the LAST person in the whole world I wanted to know about my IVF. Someone, who shall remain nameless (3 letters, spelled the same forwards and backwards, gave birth to me and denies all culpability) told her about my fertility struggles. So, I go to this shower with a bit of armor on, but also feeling a bit vulnerable b/c of all the latest challenges....like just going to a baby shower wasn't hard enough.
I walk in, gift in hand and she puts her hand on my belly and asks if anything is happening yet? Seriously, this is a lady who could not have children of her own and moved on to adopting 2 great kids. I have no idea how she could say that me but it actually happened. It was like a slow motion car wreck....one that I ran from as quickly as possible. I know she meant well.....somehow. I was very proud of myself that I didn't cry in front of 80 people. When I went to my table and told my mom and sister, their mouths dropped open. Stunning, it was stunning.
Deep down, I knew there was the potential of such an incident. Probably b/c of the time I brought a new boyfriend to a picnic and she asked me if he was "the one". I think I had dated him a few months. So, it's not totally surprising, yet, still...unfreakinbelievable.
Guess I'll have to add that to my list of things not to say to someone doing IVF....but wasn't this one a given?
Now I have the craziest story to share. So, I went to my cousin's baby shower yesterday. And, just like her wedding shower, she had more people there than my actual wedding. It took her 3 hours to open all the gifts. We couldn't even see the front of the room. It was crazy! But she looked adorable and I'm so happy for her. She has lots of health problems so I'm so glad she didn't have to go through all of this too.
I must preface by saying...I love my Aunt...I really do. She is just the sweetest person and always doted on all of us. But...she is also the LAST person in the whole world I wanted to know about my IVF. Someone, who shall remain nameless (3 letters, spelled the same forwards and backwards, gave birth to me and denies all culpability) told her about my fertility struggles. So, I go to this shower with a bit of armor on, but also feeling a bit vulnerable b/c of all the latest challenges....like just going to a baby shower wasn't hard enough.
I walk in, gift in hand and she puts her hand on my belly and asks if anything is happening yet? Seriously, this is a lady who could not have children of her own and moved on to adopting 2 great kids. I have no idea how she could say that me but it actually happened. It was like a slow motion car wreck....one that I ran from as quickly as possible. I know she meant well.....somehow. I was very proud of myself that I didn't cry in front of 80 people. When I went to my table and told my mom and sister, their mouths dropped open. Stunning, it was stunning.
Deep down, I knew there was the potential of such an incident. Probably b/c of the time I brought a new boyfriend to a picnic and she asked me if he was "the one". I think I had dated him a few months. So, it's not totally surprising, yet, still...unfreakinbelievable.
Guess I'll have to add that to my list of things not to say to someone doing IVF....but wasn't this one a given?
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Sigh....well......
.....it doesn't get much better, at least in my opinion. I had my 2nd checkup on Friday. I saw about 5 growing follicles in the right ovary. These seemed to be growing very unevenly though. On the left, well, I don't know what the hell is happening on the left. I really couldn't see. I couldn't clearly count any it was just a lot of fuzzy blobs. This is definitely different the my previous 2 cycles.
So Friday I focused on planning the decor of my bathroom. Then right before D came home, my mom called to ask how my appt went. As I told her, it just all came up and I suddenly couldn't push down the fact that this cycle sucks any longer. So, I did what any normal girl in the midst of a sucky IVF cycle would do. I downed a bottle of wine with my hubby and drunk dialed the drs office! OK, maybe I wasn't that drunk, but just enough buzz for me to let out all the feelings and worries about this cycle. I had already told the nurse I was upset at my appt, so this time I asked a dr to call me.
I was so worried that no one would call me back on Saturday and I'd have to wait all weekend. But, the new dr. (the one who I call "Mr. No Pain Biopsy to whom I might be related"....he has a family last name...long story) called and was very understanding of all my concerns. I told him how Dr. B said that my fertility wasn't going to fall off a cliff that it's a gradual decline, but in 6 months since my last fresh cycle, this feels like falling off a cliff.
Basically, he said my estrogen levels were good...and that it is still too early to tell. I could cancel the cycle if I want, but if I waited until my appt on Monday, I might have a better idea what is really happening in there. So, he promised to be there for my appt and help me decide.
Can it really be all over for me? I mean, we still have other options, but none of them include D and I have a child that is both of ours. Is it just hugely narcissistic to want that? It's just so hard to come to grips with it since I've wanted a child since I was in my early 20s. I was torn apart at the fact that my first husband was sooooo not ready to have a child. And after 9 years I had to realize that he was not a good person to have children with...not for me at least. I dealt with that for so long and then being single for so long it becomes a kind of chicken before the egg kind of thing and you refocus your priorities to just having a nice person to date or finding some great friends.
Then, I FINALLY meet a wonderful guy who is not only so much fun and affectionate and mature, but really wants kids too. Now this. I know, it's not like we can't have kids at all but I really wanted to see how the mix of extreme niceness and sarcasm would turn out, ya know? Would the baby speak in a british accent or in a southern one? Inquiring minds want to know!!!!
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. We're going in tomorrow to figure out what to do. The journey is definitely at a crossroads. This whole struggle has definitely taught me to get used to things being out of my control. It's taught me that all the things I never wanted to do or was scared to death to do, not only can I do, but I can handle and sometimes I even frickin' volunteer for. I actually said to the doctor "I could do IVF a million times if I had to, but our bank account can't"...and it's true. I've put my life in total limbo. I can't book a wedding b/c it's too far out to know if I'll be pregnant. I'm dedicating my whole life to this right now. D and I are dedicating (or have decidated) all our savings to it. Now we may have to realize that we can't make it happen the way we thought....we may have to regroup. I'm sure we'll figure it out, b/c in the end all we really want is to be a family.
It's a great day to go to a baby shower no? For someone who got married a year after we did. Time for my game face. sigh
So Friday I focused on planning the decor of my bathroom. Then right before D came home, my mom called to ask how my appt went. As I told her, it just all came up and I suddenly couldn't push down the fact that this cycle sucks any longer. So, I did what any normal girl in the midst of a sucky IVF cycle would do. I downed a bottle of wine with my hubby and drunk dialed the drs office! OK, maybe I wasn't that drunk, but just enough buzz for me to let out all the feelings and worries about this cycle. I had already told the nurse I was upset at my appt, so this time I asked a dr to call me.
I was so worried that no one would call me back on Saturday and I'd have to wait all weekend. But, the new dr. (the one who I call "Mr. No Pain Biopsy to whom I might be related"....he has a family last name...long story) called and was very understanding of all my concerns. I told him how Dr. B said that my fertility wasn't going to fall off a cliff that it's a gradual decline, but in 6 months since my last fresh cycle, this feels like falling off a cliff.
Basically, he said my estrogen levels were good...and that it is still too early to tell. I could cancel the cycle if I want, but if I waited until my appt on Monday, I might have a better idea what is really happening in there. So, he promised to be there for my appt and help me decide.
Can it really be all over for me? I mean, we still have other options, but none of them include D and I have a child that is both of ours. Is it just hugely narcissistic to want that? It's just so hard to come to grips with it since I've wanted a child since I was in my early 20s. I was torn apart at the fact that my first husband was sooooo not ready to have a child. And after 9 years I had to realize that he was not a good person to have children with...not for me at least. I dealt with that for so long and then being single for so long it becomes a kind of chicken before the egg kind of thing and you refocus your priorities to just having a nice person to date or finding some great friends.
Then, I FINALLY meet a wonderful guy who is not only so much fun and affectionate and mature, but really wants kids too. Now this. I know, it's not like we can't have kids at all but I really wanted to see how the mix of extreme niceness and sarcasm would turn out, ya know? Would the baby speak in a british accent or in a southern one? Inquiring minds want to know!!!!
Anyway, sorry for the ramble. We're going in tomorrow to figure out what to do. The journey is definitely at a crossroads. This whole struggle has definitely taught me to get used to things being out of my control. It's taught me that all the things I never wanted to do or was scared to death to do, not only can I do, but I can handle and sometimes I even frickin' volunteer for. I actually said to the doctor "I could do IVF a million times if I had to, but our bank account can't"...and it's true. I've put my life in total limbo. I can't book a wedding b/c it's too far out to know if I'll be pregnant. I'm dedicating my whole life to this right now. D and I are dedicating (or have decidated) all our savings to it. Now we may have to realize that we can't make it happen the way we thought....we may have to regroup. I'm sure we'll figure it out, b/c in the end all we really want is to be a family.
It's a great day to go to a baby shower no? For someone who got married a year after we did. Time for my game face. sigh
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Well......
I was kind of excited to have my appt today. IVF is such a waiting game and this cycle was moving pretty quickly. So I went in for my baseline ultrasound this morning. Uterus still there, check....ovaries there, check....however I could hardly see any antral follicles. These come up at the beginning of each cycle and look like little white dots in your ovaries. I got a glimpse at 2 and that was it. In previous cycles I've had 13 or so...at least! The nurse said I only had 4 on each side. CRAP! So, I freaked out a lot today and felt a bit down. It's hard doing IVF, and even harder going through all this shit feeling like someone just tripped you at the starting line.
So, I came home from my appt and took my first shot of gonal-f. It was easy at this point. What amazed me is how I was so fatigued within an hour. Could that really be from the gonal-f or the fact that I was up in the middle of the night? I took a little nap, but the feeling seemed to linger. Hinky!
Then tonight, comes a new part of my protocol, the Menopur. Usually I would do another dose of Gonal-F in the evening, but my doc is switching it up. Man, this is a high maintenance injection. You take a large needle and attach this adapter to it, then you suction out a vial of liquid. Then you take the liquid and put it into a vial of powder and swirl (not shake)....and since I had to do 4 vials of powder I had to keep suctioning and injecting and re-swirling. And after all of that, the motherf'r burns like a banchee. (if banchees burn that is) The injection site is all red and itchy. Not cool, Menopur, not cool. We have to hang out for the next 11 days so maybe you should chill out. OK, I'm talking to inanimate medications....must be time for bed....or the drugged craziness has begun. nite
So, I came home from my appt and took my first shot of gonal-f. It was easy at this point. What amazed me is how I was so fatigued within an hour. Could that really be from the gonal-f or the fact that I was up in the middle of the night? I took a little nap, but the feeling seemed to linger. Hinky!
Then tonight, comes a new part of my protocol, the Menopur. Usually I would do another dose of Gonal-F in the evening, but my doc is switching it up. Man, this is a high maintenance injection. You take a large needle and attach this adapter to it, then you suction out a vial of liquid. Then you take the liquid and put it into a vial of powder and swirl (not shake)....and since I had to do 4 vials of powder I had to keep suctioning and injecting and re-swirling. And after all of that, the motherf'r burns like a banchee. (if banchees burn that is) The injection site is all red and itchy. Not cool, Menopur, not cool. We have to hang out for the next 11 days so maybe you should chill out. OK, I'm talking to inanimate medications....must be time for bed....or the drugged craziness has begun. nite
It's 4am I must be crampy
It doesn't even really phase me anymore. Days and days of wicked evil cramps are just par for the course at this point. When even the doctors use the phrase "you're going to get a doozy of a period", you know, it's going to happen yet you don't quite know the extent of the word "doozy". But I do now!
The good part of IVF is that it can super-stimulate your ovaries to create many more eggs than normal. The bad part is that you have to come down off of those hormones sometime. So it's 4 am and I'm wide awake yet again this weekend. I know exactly when my pain meds wear off in the middle of the night. Oh how I wish I had that lil percocet again from the biopsy. Now THAT was a fun day!
I have an early morning drs appt so my alarm is set for 7:15. I assume I'll be falling back asleep around 7. I'm looking forward to getting this cycle started!
The good part of IVF is that it can super-stimulate your ovaries to create many more eggs than normal. The bad part is that you have to come down off of those hormones sometime. So it's 4 am and I'm wide awake yet again this weekend. I know exactly when my pain meds wear off in the middle of the night. Oh how I wish I had that lil percocet again from the biopsy. Now THAT was a fun day!
I have an early morning drs appt so my alarm is set for 7:15. I assume I'll be falling back asleep around 7. I'm looking forward to getting this cycle started!
Friday, September 4, 2009
Positive Changes
I've been unemployed now for a little over 2 months. I was sure that I would work out every day and have so much free time. Neither is true. First, I started focusing my time on my photography business, then I decided to take on a kitchen renovation. Brilliant right, because what else could I possible have on my plate?
Speaking of plates, I also joined Weight Watchers this week. It's so hard with the IVF because extreme diets are really discouraged. I can't exercise or feel too fatigued to exercise during the cycle itself. The hormone injections cause you to gain weight and some of them increase your appetite. So basically, it's been really difficult to lose any weight. So I joined WW to try to make a dent in the right direction. There are lots of studies that say losing just a small amount of weight can make a difference in fertility.
I am down about 7 lbs from my highest weight a few months ago, but I want to lose at least 10 more as quickly as possible. That means, yogurt and fruit for bfast and salad for lunch for me. I had a whole bowl of cardboard (fat-free) popcorn last night. Hopefully it will all be worth it. It will be even harder handling the extra weight of a pregnancy on top of this so it would be good to lose what I can now.
Cross your fingers for me!
Speaking of plates, I also joined Weight Watchers this week. It's so hard with the IVF because extreme diets are really discouraged. I can't exercise or feel too fatigued to exercise during the cycle itself. The hormone injections cause you to gain weight and some of them increase your appetite. So basically, it's been really difficult to lose any weight. So I joined WW to try to make a dent in the right direction. There are lots of studies that say losing just a small amount of weight can make a difference in fertility.
I am down about 7 lbs from my highest weight a few months ago, but I want to lose at least 10 more as quickly as possible. That means, yogurt and fruit for bfast and salad for lunch for me. I had a whole bowl of cardboard (fat-free) popcorn last night. Hopefully it will all be worth it. It will be even harder handling the extra weight of a pregnancy on top of this so it would be good to lose what I can now.
Cross your fingers for me!
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
CoCulture Smulture
D and I are back from a fantastic week of wine and friends in the Finger Lakes. We had such a great time. The view (and the wine) were totally relaxing. Yesterday was my second day home and also my scheduled co-culture biopsy. I've been pretty nervous about it ever since I read that a 1-2" area would be taken. I remember the tiny sample that was taken during my hysteroscopy and that was not fun.
I'm not sure if it was the new doctor or the percocet, valium and ibuprofen in my system, but it truly wasn't bad at all. I'm so so glad that I opted for this rather than the D&C idea. I KNEW that would be painful. Not to mention, I've read lots of research papers about the increase in embryo quality from co-culturing....some of which were written by my doctor.
So....sigh.....easy peasy lemon squeezy....for once!
I'm not sure if it was the new doctor or the percocet, valium and ibuprofen in my system, but it truly wasn't bad at all. I'm so so glad that I opted for this rather than the D&C idea. I KNEW that would be painful. Not to mention, I've read lots of research papers about the increase in embryo quality from co-culturing....some of which were written by my doctor.
So....sigh.....easy peasy lemon squeezy....for once!
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