Onward!

The pregnancy test was negative as expected. A little part of me was still hoping, but I got most of my "sad" out on Saturday so I'm ok. I bought some REALLY good wine that I will be consoling myself with tonight.

One thing I like about my RE's office is that they don't have the doctors call with the positives and the nurses call with the negatives. It's been 50/50 so far. This time, I did get to speak to the doctor directly so that was good.

He still thinks we have an excellent shot at our own baby. And, that there are no other factors involved except for my age. After talking it over with D, we decided to do one more fresh cycle. If that doesn't work, we'll do more FET's to use up all our frozen embryos. The good thing about frozen embryos is that they are in limbo at the age they were when they were fertilized. I could put them in tomorrow or in 5years and the result would be the same. With a fresh cycle, success rates drop drastically the more past 40 you are. I have a very finite amount of time I can attempt a fresh cycle....so if I'm going to do it, now is the time.

The other thing we considered is that we already have all the meds for a fresh cycle. It was very nice having 8 weeks notice that I was going to be out of a job, so I took full advantage and ordered as many fertility meds as possible. I thought I'd also have enough for another frozen round, but due to my cyst, I used Lupron for 5 weeks instead of 2.

The big $$ prescription is the one for the fresh cycle. One Gonal-F pen costs between $700-$900. I need 7 for each IVF cycle. You do the math!

So, here we go again.....I don't really like the rollercoaster ride, but I'm not ready to get off.

Inundated!

I'm on information overload this morning! I'm seriously convinced that a good portion of IVF cycles fail because of taking the wrong shot at the wrong time or the wrong dose. There is so much information and so many appointments, it's really easy to get mixed up. Of course, for all who know me, you know I already have a calendar marking which day I'm taking what and have all my drs appts color coded etc. Still, it's a bit much.

So my drs appt today consisted of three parts. First was the blood test. This will check my hormone levels. I guess I'll call later today for the results. Next was a "uterine sounding". This was to measure the size and shape of my uterus. When the embryos are put back in after they are fertilized, it's critical that the procedure is as gentle as possible. So, basically they prod the back of your uterus and measure how far back it is so that they don't go too far. The doctor described this as "like a pap smear with a little zinger". I told him if the zinger was a shot of vodka then fine, otherwise........ OTHERWISE, I'll tell you it's not very comfortable. It was quick at least, but I've been cramping on and off every since the appt. No cool man, not cool.

The last part of the appt was the ultrasound (u/s). He took a quick count and could see at least 11 antral follicles. They were bigger than last time. I was hoping for more. I'm not sure if this means this is the most I can possibly get. I guess we'll have to wait and see. He didn't seemed to be concerned about it so I guess it's an ok response.

I got to test using an actual syringe during the appt. It was good because the Gonal-F pen takes a lot of pressure to inject. Good to know. I'm going to have to work on my "dart" technique. I have a feeling I'll be using the "chicken shit" technique in the beginning. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Everybody Limbo!

OK just me....I'm in limbo, but luckily it's only for a few more days. I keep having dreams about giving myself shots. What if I squeeze too hard and the needle goes in one way and comes out the other? What if I jab myself and it hurts so bad I run screaming around the room? I've had needles before, I did allergy shots for years. I seriously need to chill.

Our RE's office sponsors a support group a couple times a month. We went to it last night. Sometimes I am hesitant to go. There are couples who have been through a whole lotta shit! You can see how much they want to be parents and how much pain they are in. I try not to think too much about the what ifs...."what if this doesn't work", "what if this doesn't ever happen for us"....and that's hard to do when it's staring you in the face and you're seeing it in someone else.

But, we always do go to the support group and each time, I'm so glad that I did. The last time, we heard about this couple who were young and both had such a challenging situation. What really struck me about them was that they made us all laugh. They had such a great perspective on the whole thing. I decided that I didn't want to be depressed and pessimistic, I wanted to go through (or try to go through) this journey with that kind of attitude.

I also learned about egg retrieval and transfer procedures. Apparently you are in a procedure room with a window and the embryologists are passing your "stuff" back and forth and there are lots of people around. It's good to have that knowledge before you go in. There's nothing more stressful than having your legs in the stirrups and suddenly hear a window open and lots of discussion about your hoo-hah!

Last night I was speaking to someone in the group who just finished one IVF (BFN) in November and would be starting her next round at the same time as me. I told her I would be taking Gonal-F. This medication comes in a pen dispenser that can give multiple doses. You dial up the dose you need each time and then pull back the plunger. Each pen costs about $1100....and only has about 3 doses on it. The other woman in the group told me to be sure not to overdial beyond my dosage, b/c you can't dial it back. You basically have to shoot out the extra medication and waste it. That's definitely a good tip.

So, I wait and I learn and try not to freak out! I hope this week goes quickly!