Tellin' it like it is!

I would describe myself as a very realistic person. Most of my life hasn't been easy and I usually get to where I want to be, usually by going the hard way. So when something difficult arises, I don't put blinders and pretend it's not there. I have a mini-meltdown, then I find out everything I can about it and how to beat it.

I think most people going through fertility treatments like we are have had statistics and as well as actual life disappointments put in front of them so they HAVE to face it. The situation is...that yes, there are people who are able to get pregnant naturally at my age. The reality is, they are few and far between..the chances are less than 1% per month...AND if they do get pregnant there is a 1/3 chance of miscarriage. That's not even taking into account the increased risk of chromosome abnormalities. So yes, I did get pregnant once naturally and then, I did had all the other things happen too. By doing IVF, we are giving ourselves the best possible chance to have a child. We are taking the very best embryos and putting more than one back so that we can up the odds from 1% to 30%. We don't have 30 months to try at this and hope for the best....we might not even have 12 months to keep trying.

When you're in the middle of an IVF cycle, it's hard to keep it in perspective. Even the nurses get excited and say "what a good response you're having". I tell them that a good response is a positive test. Still, you think, 20 eggs, 18 fertilized, putting back 4 of the best.. I have have a picture of them right here...IT HAS TO WORK!!!! But...in the end, it's still a 30% chance.....and it's a huge letdown when it doesn't.

I do have hope and I try hard to be positive, but also try hard not to set myself up for a fall....and that's not easy. IVF is one big hormonal rollercoaster. I'm so thankful for my wonderful friends and family around who try to understand what we are up against....who are there to cheer us up and get our minds off it....who are there to listen when things are tough.....who leave me messages that say "I'm thinking of you, call me if you need me". It all means so much that you are there for us! Thanks!!!!

The hardest week ever!

Not only was the test negative, but the hormonal drop and pain from AF doesn't help the situation. I spent a lot of last week crying over crazy stuff that I don't usually let get to me.

On Friday, we had our "Cycle Review" appt with the doctor. OK, it didn't start off well. He called me in the car and tried to have a phone appt. I told him that my husband needed to be involved, then he pushed us to move our appt up to noon. I rearranged everything. We got there and he made us wait 40 minutes in a 75 degree waiting room. Not a good start...so now I have anger mixed in with my already emotional state.

So, in our appt. he basically tells us all the indicators are good. I still have a good FSH, my egg development and response is good, the embryos are good grades and look good going in......good....good...good...but there's nothing they can tell after the embryos are transferred back. baaaaad He says the major factor is my age. He thinks I have an excellent chance of being successful, he just can't say when.

So we just keep rolling the dice for $10k a turn? and that's all he can give us?

Ugggh, between the anger from the waiting room and all of this I was pretty much speechless. I can tell you this is a rare event.

They did give us a new option which would be more invasive than a regular ivf cycle...or we could use some of our frozen embryos for a frozen cycle.

Now we need to decide what to do. In the meantime, I'm going to St. Thomas. I need a break from all of this.

A pile of mush - TMI

I knew this week would be tough. The 2nd week of the Two Week Wait is always the hardest. Also, I had 2 days of training going on at work on Monday and Tuesday. This is a bit TMI but I think most of me is out there already so....

On Sunday night before I had went to bed I noticed a tiny bit of spotting. I was a little excited since light spotting can be a sign of implantation. Then on Monday, I had all day training, and saw a few more spots during the day. Then right before I went to leave for the day it increased. A little spotting ok......increasing spotting and cramping...not good. I kind of freaked out. Holding it together Linda has left the building. It was still going on in the morning so I called the drs office. I did not hear back from the nurses until the afternoon. Basically, they said don't give up hope.....and that it is possible to still get a positive and that the symptoms I'm having aren't abnormal. Seriously? Well....I guess that's good news, but not really good for my sanity. So, after the entire work day of feeling crampy, at around 4pm I started to feel differently.....like I'm getting a cold. Also, I started to feel really nauseous. I ate lunch and drank water so I don't know what it's all about. I'm convinced there's something out there and it's totally fucking with my head. If I ever do get to be a mom, I'm not going to be able to hold my baby because I'll be in a straight-jacket!

Anyway, I'm don't know what to think at this point....but I'm trying to hold off on my breakdown for a few more days.

Pushing it Down!

When I first had the miscarriage around this time last year, I was devastated. But, my main goal was to look forward and try to get pregnant again as soon as possible....like somehow that would erase it. Then, that didn't happen like we had hoped. So now, we've been doing this fertility treatment thing for 7 months now. It's strange how it's starting to feel like normal. The shots....the meds, the appts, the bloating...the rollercoaster ride of hormones are just another part of my day. I do feel like I'm in limbo and that I'm pretty boring lately. There's lots that I can't do and I always have to think about what I eat and drink and not to do anything to strenuous etc. The thing I try not to think about is being pregnant. I try not to indulge that part of me that was so excited in those few weeks before my miscarriage. I try to hold it together and not think about what happens if I never can get pregnant. I talk about it openly mostly and sometimes I think b/c I'm not crying or upset some people don't realize what a difficult place we are in right now.

I figured being emotional or being depressed is not going to help the situation....and having too much hope is going to set me up for a fall. So, I push it down and push it down.....

Today, I was surprised when it just bubbled up out of nowhere. I'm in the 2 week wait...waiting to be able to take "the test". The hormones are done, there are no more drs appts, just waiting. I was waiting to meet K-ita for lunch and just started looking through the camera pics on my phone. There were pics of flowers that D had sent me at work....pics of my new haircuts that I send to my friends the day of....pics of the TBs at a Bob Schneider concert and then there it was.... the picture of my positive pregnancy test last April. Ouch! I wasn't expecting that. I remembered how excited we were that day and how we couldn't believe we got pregnant so quickly. OK push it down woman!

So then I had a great lunch with K-ita and we were saying goodbye in the parking lot. She hugged me and said goodbye to me, then she looked at my belly and said goodbye to my embryos. She's so awesome. And for a second, I felt that feeling again. I think people call it hope....or maybe excitement...or just a big mushy mess of who knows what. I'm not even sure anymore it's been so long. Frick! It's hard to push that back down again.

The Stabber!

That's what I'm going to call D now, but I mean it in a totally affectionate way. (and not a dirty way you people....ew) He's really done an awesome job giving my PIO shots each night. I haven't felt a one! It's not even sore the next day. After he gave me my shot last night, he gave me a kiss and said I was a trooper. awwwww (and ya know what? If you saw that needle you'd think I was a trooper too!...but he's a trooper too for being able to do that. There's no way I could stab myself with a needle that size!) As D would say in a really bad italian accent ("That's a big-a nee-dul!")

Maybe he should have pursued a career in medicine.....or some other painless stabbing career path?? In any case, I'm grateful to be able to sit all day in comfort! Thanks Dan-yo!

Acu-snafu

So it's my first day back at work. I had a crazy ride into work where I was trying to go in a straight line and others were bobbing and weaving all around me. I really felt it after not being stressed all weekend. sigh

I said to D this morning that my left hand felt sore where I had the acupuncture needle. I've noticed it all day and now at 2:30 I realize that part of my hand is now blue and swollen. Not cool! I called Dr. Z and he said the baby aspirin I'm taking is probably causing a slow bleed under my skin. So now, I'm icing it.
Fabulous!

I'm a little crampy today but nothing major. I think I'm just cranky more than anything. I'm frustrated having to be at my job again since I really really really don't like it. Of course, the paycheck is nice to have so I gotta be here. sigh

We had our egg transfer this morning! We transferred 1 8c, 2 7c and 1 6c. Everything went really smoothly. I highly recommend the valium before the transfer...very relaxing! I did the acupuncture beforehand and Dr. Z put needles in my head, ears, feet, calves and belly. For the acu after, the needles were in my things and my hands and of course my ears...which hurt the most going in. Still, I was so relaxed the my hand kept falling off my belly as I zoned out.

If I can figure it out, I'll add the photo of our embryos on here too.

Now, just cross your fingers....and your toes!