She Said The PERFECT Thing!

SO.....here's the follow-up post that was written about 4 days before my beta day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These new fangled pregnancy tests always say how ultra-sensitive they are. "Find out Results Six Days in Advance" blah blah blah. Well, I've taken a least a hundred of them and when the result is positive, it NEVER EVER shows until about 2-3 days before...even then it's a faint line. Does that stop me from testing? HELL NO!

So this morning, at 5:22am I 1)really had to go to the bathroom and 2)wanted to do a pregnancy test. It's so early I know. It's 4 whole days before my Beta blood test, but I'm neurotic...so whatever. By now, I have a routine. Pee in the dixie cup. Hold the test in it for five seconds. Hold the test vertical until the test is saturated. Go and get the flashlight. Head back to bed.

I'm laying in bed, since I'm still 1/2 asleep, but still have my glasses on. I open my eyes a little and get scared b/c my husband's face is right in front of me in the dark. It was kind of creepy.....it was a little alien abduction like and my heart jumped. He was looking to see why I was wearing my glasses in bed (he was super close because he WASN'T wearing his glasses). Whatever dude. OK, now the test says read results after 3 minutes and not effective to read after 10. Yeah, this is not true. The First Response test I use never shows results until after 10 minutes. But my motto is "pink is pink"! If there's no HCG, you're not going to get any second line at all. If you see pink, something is cooking down there! I looked at it (with the flashlight, get it now?) and didn't see anything so I laid back down. 5 minutes later, my hubby suddenly pops up and starts asking about the test. I told him there was nothing, but ok, I'll look again. Hold on now. Faint pink...very faint pink...but pink is pink. He yells out "I KNEW IT!".

Admittedly, it's crazy early. What's important now is that the line gets pinker and pinker each day. Still, it's an amazing sign to get a positive this early. If you say the word that starts with TW and ends in INS, I'll hurt you!

I called my mom later that morning. I told her the story of the flashlight and wearing my glasses in bed and had her laughing. When I told her about the pink line her voice went up and she said "Oh really?". It gets like that when she gets all choked up. She's been through this whole process with me and knows every bit of the journey. I imagine it's hard for a parent to watch their child go through so much pain...both emotional and physical. At the end of the conversation, she was kind of quiet and then she said "My heart is excited!". Wow! It's not often (if ever) that children think their parents say the right thing. That was not only the right thing, that was the PERFECT thing. That's exactly how I feel....and I can't get that sentence out of my mind.

She has 6 grandchildren already that she loves so much, I knew the comment wasn't about having another grandchild. It was about me being able to have what I've been dreaming of for so, so long. I appreciate her being there for me....and I appreciate her wanting that for me. OK, I have to stop crying now.

Today is a very, very good day.

I thought I'd seen and been through it all!

Before I get started, I'd like to thank all my family and friends who have written me or told me that they've been keeping up with my blog. Thanks so much for all of your support and for being there for me all along this journey. Please don't ask me in person if I'm pregnant. If it happens, we'll need to get passed some hurdles to feel like it's the real deal.

For all of you who don't know me and are following my journey because you are in a similar situation, I hope in some way it's of some comfort to you.

So......when you're on your eighth IVF, you sometimes think you've seen it all. Yeah, yeah, I take my meds....yeah, yeah I take my shots.....poking, prodding, prodding, poking. I find it amazing that I had never been to a male OB/GYN before this whole process (cough cough debacle/nightmare) and now I not only have male doctors, but a whole cast of people in the room with me. That doesn't even count the other "lab" people on the other side of the "takeout window".

IVF has also changed my perspective. There are moments when I feel it's all really out of control, which it is. And there are moments when I feel I've learned how to be OK with that. I think about myself three years ago. The person that got pregnant the very first month we tried. She was giddy and although she wasn't naive to the fact there were some risks because of age, thought she would overcome all of that. With all she had been through to find the right person and be in the place she was, there was no way the universe wouldn't do right by her. Turns out it was genetics and age not the universe who had a say. That person seems so far away from the person that I am now. When our last IVF failed miserably before the transfer even happened, I thought there was no way to recapture the excitement, the hope, or the joy usually associated with the pregnancy process.

Well, I'm hear to tell you that it can happen. Yes, it's true that I don't have any clue if I'm pregnant or not at this point. It's also true that I will once again be devastated if this cycle turns out negative. It's even possible that this could be the last chance for us for good. At the same time, I'm extremely excited, extremely hopeful and even happy.

I learned that a horrible situation can be easily put into the past when there's a good memory to put in it's place. I'm hoping that if this IVF cycle turns into a pregnancy, that all of this IVF journey will become a distant memory. How wonderful that would be at this point.

SO HERE'S THE UPDATE.....

To borrow from Ferris Bueller a bit. "This ones for Linda, who didn't think she'd see anything good again."

As you know, we've had an amazing response with these 10 embryos. The response was so great, that out of the 10, we had 2 blastocysts to transfer and 3 to freeze. This is such a total 180 from the last cycle we had. I mean, it's the BEST cycle we've ever had....it's unbelievable!!!!

The day of the transfer, we know the drill. I drink water....we should up at our transfer time. I get ready in the room (the takeout window room). The doctor hands us our cool embryo photo. It usually has a brownish tint to it. I think it makes it easier to see the embryos. BUT THIS TIME it's tinted PURPLE. OK, did I mention that I'm wearing a purple flannel shirt and my Dr. Seussish purple/aqua socks and that I LOVE purple? Um yeah. It's totally a sign right?

We're at my favorite part of the procedure. There's a monitor to my right. Suddenly it turns on and there's a close-up shot of our petri dish. We know it's "OUR" dish because it says our last name on the side. (Good to know those are your babies you're putting back!) Then, they zoom in on the 2 blasts. She only leaves it on for just a second. I gasped and pointed at the screen...then it was gone. OK! NOW THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING! I've never seen that before, but I knew exactly what it was. One of the blasts looked like a normal blast. The other, was smaller with a little halo effect around it and you can see that part of it was coming out one side. THIS BLAST WAS STARTING TO HATCH!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! If you think it's a good sign getting to blastocyst stage, seeing that just sent me over the moon! Hatching is the step right before the embryo implants.

It's amazing how the results of this cycle helped me put the tears of the last one aside. It's been a painful process and I know it may not turn out the way we want in the end. The one thing it has taught me is that there's always another day, another side to it all and another amazing thing that will surprise you.

Cross your fingers....say a prayer.....send us all your good juju!

Blobs of Confusion

THE UPDATE:
Our embryos are doing well. We have 6 front runners. They don't have any cell counts today as they are either compacting or have compacted into teeny tiny blobs called morulas.

THE ROLLERCOASTER:
When I was getting married, I couldn't get enough of bridal shows. The same is true for my pregnancy journey. I watch baby shows all the time. I used to watch the really graphic ones, just so I knew what the terminology meant and everything that could happen. I know that would normally scare most people. My philosophy is that I'd rather know in an emergency what the next steps were. I'd become so desensitized to watching births that I'd forget to turn the show off when we started eating dinner. oops.

Today, I had some show about multiples on in the background while I was editing photos. Usually I just half pay attention but this one was really touching. This couple was in the operating room about to have quadruplets by C-section. Tons of hospital staff are in the room to assist with the delivery. The mom-to-be is obviously nervous. Her husband keeps telling her it's ok and how they are both going to raise these babies together. You can see in her eyes that she's scared. Then, she hears the first baby cry. The husband starts to describe how she totally changed in that moment. How she suddenly went from just her to being a mom....in the blink of an eye. She no longer cared how she was feeling and could only focus on her babies. As I watched it, I could see the change in her face. It was pretty amazing.

I've been a bit teary today on and off. It's hard to describe the emotions I'm feeling. I'm excited, giddy, scared, worried, and happy all at one time. I guess you'd call that a bit overwhelmed. I feel that we could be on the brink of something that could change our life forever. I can't tell you how much I hope that this is THE ONE (or two). I'm not sure we'll continue trying to have a baby if it's not. Yet, I still have a hard time seeing my life without raising a family. We've been through so much, I try not to think about the last 3 years. It's amazing to believe that I even have hope at this point.

Honestly, I'm unbelievably excited about the possibility of success right now. And, after all we've been through, that's equally as scary. All I can do is hold on for the ride. And today, I feel tremendous...scared and tremendous!

Tomorrow is the big day!

BOO YA!

That's what my husband yelled out after I got off the phone with the IVF lab this morning. He insisted that I make it my blog headline. I totally agree! (He also told our first donor cycle to suck it....but as a headline, not so good.)

A major shoutout is in order to The Universe for coming through today. I didn't have to make any hard decisions. That's right, we had FIVE, count 'em FIVE 8-celled embryos, 3-7 cells, 1-5 cell and 1-10 cell. Boo ya!!! Damn straight! We're going to a 5 day blastocyst transfer!

This is the kind of response I expected in our last donor cycle. The benefit of using a donor is that their eggs are much higher quality (because the donor and the eggs are younger). During the last donor cycle we had 18 fertilized embryos. We immediately froze 1/2 of them. Of the remaining 9, "the best" embryos on day 3 were 1-8 cell and 1-7 cell. I knew that something was up right then. Of course, after using all 18 of those embryos and having none of them stick, we learned it the hard way.

But we're moving on from that. And I'm so excited!!! REALLY EXCITED!!!!

There's just one thing I should mention. During my research last night I read that transferring 2 at the blastocyst stage means a 73% of having twins. Could that possibly be true? Oh boy!

Did someone call for a doctor?

Today I'd call for a doctor, an IVF expert, and IVF Fairy or even Brad Pitt playing a doctor in Ocean's Eleven if he could tell me what the right decision is. The truth is, sometimes in IVF, it's all up to you. It's all up to me and my spouse to make many decisions that I don't think we are qualified to make. The answers if incorrect could result in a negative pregnancy result not to mention the loss of thousands and thousands of dollars.

I've spent countless hours scouring the internet. So much so, that I stopped researching and reading anything else about IVF since IVF #6 or 7. There just wasn't anything else meaningful to find, except community forums of inaccurate information.

Today I feel more unequipped than ever to make the decision we need to make. Tomorrow is Day 3 of our embryo culture. As of this morning we had 2-5 cells, 5-4 cells, and 3-2 cells. Tomorrow, what we are looking for is 8-celled embryos. In our best case scenario we'd love at least 5-8 celled embryos to go on to a 5 day blastocyst transfer. But what if we get 4? Our clinic says we can decide whatever we want to do. Their policy is to have 5, but we can choose to go on with 4 really great embryos. Not to mention, we have the others as well.

So tonight I went back into research mode. I've read the pros and cons of blastocyst stage. None of it conclusively says what the best course of action is. Some other clinics have a policy of 4 great 8 cells to go onto blast, so I do know we are not totally off base. Still, will the benefit outweigh the potential risk. Factor in the emotional reasons and gut feelings and who knows what to do?

As I go to sleep tonight I'm going to wish for just one thing...ok, FIVE things. I wish for 5-grade 1 8 celled embryos to be there when I wake up. I wish to be saved from figuring this all out. I wish for nature or the universe to make it all happen....and make it all easy....for once. Pretty please?

Night night.

Coping with pure fear during the IVF process.

Our donor had her egg retrieval yesterday. 13 eggs were retrieved. Even at 41, I always had 16, 18 even 20 eggs retrieved. Our previous donor also had 18 eggs retrieved. So, we're not sure what to make of this result. Today we learned that 10 of them fertilized. Again, this is a lot less than we are used to. Of course, the key to IVF is quality not quantity. There have been people in our support group that had just 5 eggs and now have twins. So, all we can do is hope for a couple of really great embryos.

Still, there's some kind of comfort in a large number. Yet, there's the knowledge that those large numbers did nothing for us. So, we wait...until tomorrow and hope that every single one of those 10 embryos has split into 4 cells. Then we wait until the next day to see if they all make 8 cells. In our control...no. Maddening....yes.

I'm photographing a wedding today. It will be a nice diversion. It will be good to concentrate on someone else's special day instead of obsessing. Not only that, but it helps to know that my entire life is not IVF. It's a reminder that there's something interesting about me, something I'm good at. Becoming a mom isn't all that I am.

I know....I know

A guy friend who had just become a dad pointed out how all the women who came over to hold his newborn said in a soothing voice "I know, I know" whenever the baby was upset. He wanted to know WHAT we knew and why we ALL said that! hee hee We'll never tell!

Now that I'm in the midst of my 8th IVF, I have to confess. I do know! I really do. So, even when it looks like you're not thinking about IVF....."I know, I know".

I know that you're cleaning your house on the weekend because your transfer will be within 3 to 5 days and you won't be able to clean after that.

I know that you just don't have a sudden craving for sushi. I know that you won't be able to have that in a couple of days so you can't stop thinking about it.

I know that you're trying to get in that last drop (or bottle) of wine with dinner before you can't.

I know that weening yourself off caffeine is easier said than done.

And I know how much you are freaking out on the inside, no matter how breezy you seem to everyone else.....and....so does your spouse.

I know all these things because today....was egg retrieval day for our donor. My husband got up at 6:30 am and gave his "sample" to the fertility clinic by 7:30 am. At 9, we received a call saying that 13 eggs were retrieved. Then, we went out for Dim Sum and a nice day in the city with our friends. I'm sure we seemed totally normal, but inside, all we could think about was those 13 eggs and if they will all fertilize by tomorrow. What should our plan be based on how many fertilize? Oh no, we're definitely not thinking about those results or that decision as we munch on shrimp shumai. Nooooo.

We are trying so hard not to think about it as I try so hard not to forget to take my estradiol, folate, prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin, progesterone in oil and prednisone at the recommended times during the day.

Sometimes when I'm doing IVF I notice these awkward silences with my friends. The silences are whenever the topic of IVF is in my head (which is often), but I know I've talked about it way too much. My mind is in an IVF fog and I literally have nothing else to talk about and nothing else currently happening in my life (anywhere near as important) to share. I feel a little hollow....a little uncool.....and more than a little obsessed.

So, if you're out there and you think no one can understand. If you think no one can knows how you're feeling right now, "I know, I know". I really do.

Giddiness, Waiting and Crazy...oh my!

I went in on Monday for my 2nd lining check. Even though I've been technically doing this cycle since November, the appointments are pretty basic (especially when it's your 8th time). Up to now, I hadn't seen an IVF nurse OR one of the doctors. I've just had basic bloodwork and ultrasounds. Today though, was a double whammy since both the IVF nurse and the doctor came in.

All of a sudden I realized that it's getting close, things are finally happening. I found out that the donor has about 16 follicles that are developing. Especially when doing IVF, I would not describe myself as upbeat. The IVF meds usually exaggerate the anxiety and bitchy traits in me. But Monday, I'd describe myself as downright giddy. 1) It feels totally unnatural to me to feel so happy and 2)It scares the crap out me when it's related to IVF.

The last time I did a donor cycle I was so convinced it would work that I changed out the clothes in my closet to maternity clothes. Needless to say, disappointed doesn't accurately relate how I felt when the result was negative. Devastated is more like it.
So, when I feel excited and hopeful and giddy about the potential of this cycle, I remember that other feeling, the devastated one. I realize there's no way to protect myself. I just really hope we finally have some good news. It's been such a long journey, I'm ready for it to be over. I'm not really sure I have the strength to do more IVF if it doesn't work. And I KNOW we don't have the funds. No pressure, but this HAS to be the one.

So now it's Thursday and my giddiness has calmed down a bit. I've tried to focus on my business although the "focus" part has not been so easy. The Lupron injections combined with my anxiety over everything has not made me the most fun person to be around. Right now the phone is in front of me and I'm waiting for it to ring. I'm waiting for the update on the donor's appointment this morning. Once the majority of her follicles reach 16mm, she'll take an hcg shot. Her egg retrieval will be 36 hours later. That's when all the fun begins.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot. During the appointment on Monday, I'm chatting about how crazy I am on the Lupron and the IVF Nurse (who runs the egg donor program) says to the doctor. "The donor looks like her". I start babbling about the baby photo I saw of the donor with her black hair like when I was a baby. Later, I realized that the nurse actually KNOWS the donor and she's saying we look alike. I've just seen 4 photos. VERY COOL! It makes me feel like younger me is giving her eggs to older me. Hey, I'd go back in time and donate to myself if I could!

Anyway, back to staring at the phone.

Tennis Anyone?

Well, things are much better hormonally this week. I started estradiol pills along with the lupron, so the happy pills are countering the effects of the bad pills. With Lupron and Estradial, I feel physically relaxed, but I'm freaking out on the inside. The good news is that it's all almost over.

The donor started her stim meds on the 5th. So, what will happen is that she'll take these for about 7 days. In a normal cycle, one of her follicles would developing into an egg. In an IVF cycle, ALL of her follicles will develop into eggs. I can't tell you how glad I am that I'm not doing this part. Because there are so many eggs in your ovaries, it makes your ovaries feel like giant tennis balls. The last time I did it, the hormones whacked me out so much that I slept for the last 2 days. I feel bad for the donor a bit because she's never done a cycle before. I do know from her file that she has 2 kids, so I hope it's not too rough for her.

As soon as her eggs are all ready to go, I get to stop the Lupron. YAY!!!! Of course, then I get to start butt shots with 1 1/2" needles, but let's not get ahead of ourselves!

Right now, I don't know how to feel about the whole cycle. Taking the shots and meds is pretty much second nature to me at this point. The side effects are a huge drag. But then, this is when hope and excitement start to creep in. Once the donor has the egg retrieval and we find out each day how the embryos are doing, it's going to be really hard not to get excited. I'm unbelievably scared that we'll have similar results to last time. Embryos that looked ok but really weren't. There's zero explanation as to what happened so I don't know if it will happen again. AND, this is it...this is our last chance.

All I can do is admit that I have no control over any of it and try my best not to obsess. Basically, this blog post is one of the few indulgences I give myself about the IVF. Although, D and I did have a discussion the other night about baby names. Apparently he thinks King would be a great name. "King Morrow" he said in a slightly British accent and then gave an evil laugh. THAT is why we get along so well!