I thought I'd seen and been through it all!

Before I get started, I'd like to thank all my family and friends who have written me or told me that they've been keeping up with my blog. Thanks so much for all of your support and for being there for me all along this journey. Please don't ask me in person if I'm pregnant. If it happens, we'll need to get passed some hurdles to feel like it's the real deal.

For all of you who don't know me and are following my journey because you are in a similar situation, I hope in some way it's of some comfort to you.

So......when you're on your eighth IVF, you sometimes think you've seen it all. Yeah, yeah, I take my meds....yeah, yeah I take my shots.....poking, prodding, prodding, poking. I find it amazing that I had never been to a male OB/GYN before this whole process (cough cough debacle/nightmare) and now I not only have male doctors, but a whole cast of people in the room with me. That doesn't even count the other "lab" people on the other side of the "takeout window".

IVF has also changed my perspective. There are moments when I feel it's all really out of control, which it is. And there are moments when I feel I've learned how to be OK with that. I think about myself three years ago. The person that got pregnant the very first month we tried. She was giddy and although she wasn't naive to the fact there were some risks because of age, thought she would overcome all of that. With all she had been through to find the right person and be in the place she was, there was no way the universe wouldn't do right by her. Turns out it was genetics and age not the universe who had a say. That person seems so far away from the person that I am now. When our last IVF failed miserably before the transfer even happened, I thought there was no way to recapture the excitement, the hope, or the joy usually associated with the pregnancy process.

Well, I'm hear to tell you that it can happen. Yes, it's true that I don't have any clue if I'm pregnant or not at this point. It's also true that I will once again be devastated if this cycle turns out negative. It's even possible that this could be the last chance for us for good. At the same time, I'm extremely excited, extremely hopeful and even happy.

I learned that a horrible situation can be easily put into the past when there's a good memory to put in it's place. I'm hoping that if this IVF cycle turns into a pregnancy, that all of this IVF journey will become a distant memory. How wonderful that would be at this point.

SO HERE'S THE UPDATE.....

To borrow from Ferris Bueller a bit. "This ones for Linda, who didn't think she'd see anything good again."

As you know, we've had an amazing response with these 10 embryos. The response was so great, that out of the 10, we had 2 blastocysts to transfer and 3 to freeze. This is such a total 180 from the last cycle we had. I mean, it's the BEST cycle we've ever had....it's unbelievable!!!!

The day of the transfer, we know the drill. I drink water....we should up at our transfer time. I get ready in the room (the takeout window room). The doctor hands us our cool embryo photo. It usually has a brownish tint to it. I think it makes it easier to see the embryos. BUT THIS TIME it's tinted PURPLE. OK, did I mention that I'm wearing a purple flannel shirt and my Dr. Seussish purple/aqua socks and that I LOVE purple? Um yeah. It's totally a sign right?

We're at my favorite part of the procedure. There's a monitor to my right. Suddenly it turns on and there's a close-up shot of our petri dish. We know it's "OUR" dish because it says our last name on the side. (Good to know those are your babies you're putting back!) Then, they zoom in on the 2 blasts. She only leaves it on for just a second. I gasped and pointed at the screen...then it was gone. OK! NOW THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING! I've never seen that before, but I knew exactly what it was. One of the blasts looked like a normal blast. The other, was smaller with a little halo effect around it and you can see that part of it was coming out one side. THIS BLAST WAS STARTING TO HATCH!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! If you think it's a good sign getting to blastocyst stage, seeing that just sent me over the moon! Hatching is the step right before the embryo implants.

It's amazing how the results of this cycle helped me put the tears of the last one aside. It's been a painful process and I know it may not turn out the way we want in the end. The one thing it has taught me is that there's always another day, another side to it all and another amazing thing that will surprise you.

Cross your fingers....say a prayer.....send us all your good juju!

Lounging is hard!

Putting your feet up is hard work! I've been doing it for about 5 hours now and I'm bored to death. It's especially difficult when you aren't sick and/or tired. It's such a nice day outside too!

The transfer itself went well this morning. It was a little uncomfortable but not too bad. Valium is my friend. They had a shiny new piece of equipment too. It was a flat screen tv that showed a close up pic of our embryos getting sucked into the catheter before they put them in. very cool! Our embryos thawed out well and we only lost 1 to get to our total of 5. This leaves us with 8 embryos still on ice for future use.

So now we wait....and wait...and wait. Cross your fingers and your toes, sacrifice lambs, pray to your gods....whatever may help is appreciated!!!

Yay!

I'm not sure why I am excited but I am. Today was my last ultrasound before my transfer next week. For those caring about the technical stuff, my lining was 10.5mm. I'm pretty sure this is way good! Sounds like a good place that embryos might want to grow, right?

Maybe I'm excited just at the fact that I get to stop the Lupron on Sunday. At this point I don't even care that it means that I'll have to do shots in my ass every single night from now on. The crazy just needs to stop.

I was a little bummed to find out that the doctor I requested to do my transfer has left the practice. Apparently she had only been there for two years and her contract was up. I liked her though, she explained things very well..even drew diagrams about chromosomes and 40 year old ropes....it was a whole thing. So, it looks like it's Lucky Larry (who wasn't so lucky for us last time) again next Wednesday. Let's hope his (and our) luck has improved.

Saturday is a big birthday bash for K's b/f, so I guess I will use it to say farewell to the tasty beverages for a while. I will drink the wine like it's the last I will have for a long time.....and then maybe it will be!

Imagine three months of going up the beginning of a rollercoaster....and you're almost at the top. That's me....with my arms in the air!

Choices

In April after our last IVF was negative, we had a follow-up meeting with our doctor. I was a bit of a blubbering mess not only from the plummeting hormones, but because of the fact that I never thought we'd have to do IVF in the first place, much less have 2 failed cycles. I was looking for some kind of reason from the doctor, but there was nothing he could say to make me feel better.

During our follow-up consultation, we discussed our options for this frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle. At first, Dr. B suggested we just thaw out all ten of our 3 day embryos and pick the best. I think he saw our jaws dropped to the floor because he quickly suggested we do a "serial" thaw instead. In a serial thaw, the embryos are thawed one at a time until they have the number of viable embryos that you want to transfer. He also recommended that we transfer 5 embryos this time.

As our transfer date approaches, I'm starting to wonder if this is our best choice. It's not because of the number of embryos as you would think. We weren't successful with 4 last time, so I'm ok with 5. I do have the occassional glimpse in my mind of an ultrasound screen with 5 heartbeats...but that would be very, very unlikely.
My hesitation is about the fact that we have 2 frozen embryos that made it to blastocyst stage. The clinic does not freeze 4 celled embryos, so they let them continue to culture and see if they make it to blastocysts. On our first cycle, two of them actually made it. Blastocysts are 120 cells and are much more likely to implant.

So here's the thing, we only have 2 and only 70% of embryos survive the thaw process. So do we take that risk and use the 2 blasts? The whole round and months of shots could be for nothing if the blasts don't make it through the thaw. Do we wait until the next round and try it then? Is there a way to do a few at the 3 day transfer, then come back and do more at 5 days? These are the types of questions I roll over and over in my mind all day. How do we know what's the right thing? Do we just follow our doctor's recommendation blindly? Ugggh, it's so hard for someone like me that likes to have all the answers....but I don't.

Estradiol starts....

While I wanted some change, I was hoping for less needles than more. In truth, I knew the next step was more, many more, larger needles in addition to the Lupron. When we had our checkup & ultrasound on Monday, the nurse told us that Estrogen is the "feel good" hormone. It makes women feel wonderful apparently. I only have to do the estrogen shots twice a week, Monday and Thursday. So far, I'm not feeling much better. I still feel the Lupron effects and I wouldn't really describe myself as feeling great right now. I did sleep a little better last night, but I'm not sure if that was just pure exhaustion or the estrogen. I'm still holding out hope for some good vibrations to come my way.

One thing I haven't missed since the last cycle are these intramuscular shots. Even with the lidocaine (EMLA cream), I can still feel them. This stuff is even thicker than the progesterone in oil so it takes a while to go in. I can barely get it into the syringe after warming it for a 1/2 hour. And, I'm trying not to think about the fact that I will start the PIO shots DAILY as of 7/18. Uh oh...too late!

The most difficult part of a cycle is the uncertainty. If I knew I would definitely get pregnant, I doubt any of this would matter. But, the fact that all of this could be completely pointless is the most challenging aspect of all.

Today I had a great day out with a friend. On one of our stops I indulged and bought an adorable) maternity top. I also looked at "faux" wedding rings (in case I get pregnant and can't fit into my ring). This could either be viewed as "a positive outlook" or make me feel like a total sucker if this cycle is a bust. It's a tough balance of fertility sanity. In general, I tend to err on the dark side, but when it comes to getting pregnant, the optimism sometimes wins out.

Don't tell, but I have a credenza in my living room that has three compartments and one of those is totally filled with baby items. I have a portion of my stand-up wardrobe that is all maternity clothes. And, at the beginning of every cycle I calculate my possible due date of my possible baby. So, although the realistic side tries hard to protect me, the "I would be over the moon" excited side sometimes wins out. Yeah, that's right, I'm a sucker, now you know.

Going....and going....and going

I feel like I've been stabbing myself with needles for forever now. It's been a REALLY long cycle.....albeit less invasive than a fresh cycle. I started Lupron shots on 6/12, so it's been 18 days of shots now...and I have at least a week to go...probably 2. Then after that the big shots in the butt start too. YIKES!

I was saying to D the other day how it's impossible not to feel let down when a cycle doesn't work out. It's not like a regular monthly cycle that's a month long and that you don't usually know it's happening until it's over. It's 2 whole months of total focus on the cycle then a big letdown. Of course, we're hoping (yet afraid to hope) that the letdown part doesn't happen this time!

I probably should stop watching those baby shows (but I know I won't). Last night, I saw one where the woman had IVF and it was unsuccessful. So, the next one they put in 3 embryos instead of 2 and all of them took....and she was about to deliver triplets. On our first IVF we put in 3, our second IVF we put in 4 and this one we'll be doing 5. We're doing 5 this time since these embryos are possibly lesser quality than the top ones we picked for the fresh cycle. It's a scary proposition....but I'm just hoping that one will stick....and be a healthy, normal embryo.

We won't know about the healthy part until about 10 weeks when we can have the CVS testing done. Between the chance of miscarriage and the chance of an abnormality, we really won't be able to be excited about a pregnancy until after the first trimester.

Phase 1 - getting knocked up
Phase 2 - staying knocked up
Phase 3 - testing

I'm so over phase 1! I'm totally ready to worry about Phase 2 now!

Be careful what you wish for!

So this morning I had to in for bloodwork and a baseline ultrasound. Unfortunately, I didn't get my period yet. I was supposed to get it mid-week. They said it's probably due to the cyst I have in my left ovary. It releases estrogen and throws the whole system out of kilter. Cysts can be a side effect of all the extra hormones that stimulate multiple egg development. It's been shrinking and the lupron has been helping that....so they bumped my tentative cycle by a whole week. Now I'm doing one more week of lupron injections. wheeeee fun (she said sarcastically)

I had my last day at work today. It was uneventful and I was glad. Then I went to get my hair done. Don't you know it? I'm sitting there and suddenly I have the worst cramps ever! Now I'll be doing lupron for an extra week AND have nasty cramps. Good luck D! You'll need it! hugs!

Hinky!

Something strange has happened a few times now and I can't figure it out. We've shared with someone about our fertility issues and they just clam up. They don't ask how we're doing or mention it again. Some actually seem to physically stiffen and seem very uncomfortable whenever anything related to our fertility treatments is mentioned. The REALLY weird part is that we then find out that they have talked to OTHER people about what we are going through. The point of telling people is to have a support system not to get pity from a ton of people you never wanted to know in the first place. It makes me wonder if I'm that bad at keeping a secret too? I think from now on I'm going to try to be really aware of keeping confidences.

I try not to get too upset about it because aside from the occasional comment that well, was oh so wrong, I realize that everyone just cares about us....even if it is in their own freaky weird way.

And...it turns out there is a side benefit of the broken confidences. We've found out that others we know are going through the same struggle we are....and we had no idea.

The good news is that overall our friends and family have been extremely supportive. They don't ask us all the time, but they check in to see how we're doing....or check this blog. They know there's times that we want to forget it and there's time when we need to vent...and they are there to listen....or distract....and we are very lucky to have that.

Learning to Deal

I know that people are well-meaning and that some people just don't know what to say when you tell them you have fertility issues. Many people just don't understand that if you had any other choice than IVF, that's what you'd be doing. If the chances were any more than slim, there's no way we'd be doing this.

I went to lunch with an ex co-worker a few weeks ago and she said..... "try not to think about it and just relax this summer". It made me chuckle a little on the inside, but I just said thanks. Later that week D and I went to the movies to see UP! and don't you know, the character's wife has a miscarriage. IT'S A CARTOON FOR GOD'S SAKE! Wouldn't you think this would be a safe haven? If it's not a movie, it's the celebrity baby boom, or family members having babies, getting pregnant etc. It's EVERYWHERE!

Now we are in the midst of our first FET (frozen embryo transfer). It's a lot less invasive that a fresh IVF cycle, but I still have a regimen of meds to follow. To be honest, I'm not sure how anyone who is not known as "the planner" and is not Type A could ever do IVF. The schedule of meds is crazy complicated. It makes me laugh again each morning when I have to take the prenatal vitamin and low dose aspirin and every night when I inject myself with Lupron, that I'm supposed to not be thinking about this and "just relaxing".

On top of it all, our lives are totally in limbo. We can't even plan a vacation because we have to be available for doctor's appts. Now that I'm almost out of work, it would be great if I could plan a few days away. However, since I can't give myself an 1 1/2" needle in my butt each night, I need to stay in the proximity of my dear hubby for a while. So, the "relax and take a vacation" advice is also nixed unless he can take off work.

I know the statistics and at this point, I know way more than I ever wanted to about IVF and infertility. Although I tried acupunture and will still be doing yoga whenever I can, I realize that this is just a difficult storm I'm going to have to ride through. There's no easy anecdote, daily mantra or any way to not face what's in front of us. One thing I am learning to get used to about my life right now....is that it's totally out of my control. I'm not liking it, but I'm learning to deal...and that's all I can do.

Crazy is as crazy stabs!

So I made it through a week of training in DC. It was stressful and exhausting, but it went fast because I was busy. I was hoping to lose some weight while I was gone, but that didn't happen. There was lots of walking in the city, but I wasn't able to make it to the gym at the hotel. The stress was a bit exhausting for me. Luckily I only gained 1 lb.

Now I'm back at home and I'm on day 3 of Lupron shots. Administratively, these are a piece of cake. It's only a 1/2" needle in my belly. But...after 2 whole months of not being on fertility meds....I can really feel a difference. I was very depressed this weekend and even cried today. This could be a bumpy ride! Time to break out the comedy dvds!!!! I stil have weeks to go!!!

Breathe!

About a month ago, I found out I was getting laid off from my job. However, they wanted me to stay on for 8 weeks to transition the job down to the DC office. Well, my coworkers are gone now, but they definitely had it easy and got to leave quickly. Now keep in mind that I do not like my job, I haven't liked my job for several years. We've all just been holding on for the amazing severance package. But...I had no idea how hard it was to watch your job disintegrate before your eyes. The people taking it over don't have any sense of personal responsibility and honestly have no idea what they are getting into. It's hard to see all this happen knowing that it will never be done at the level that you did it ever again. You would think that it would make me feel good, but it doesn't. It's hard to let go when I've spent 12 years scheduling my vacations around deadlines. I'd rather be gone and not have to see it. I have 3 weeks left and I'm trying hard to find my zen place to get through it.

Of course, with fertility treatments, de-stressing is critical....and it definitely not my strong suit. We've just started the "suppression month" of our first frozen cycle. Luckily, the real stuff won't be happening in the cycle until I'm long gone from the job. One thing I will not miss is the feeling I've been punched in the stomach that I have when I leave work each day. It's not supposed to be that way right???? I'm hoping to get back to me....and not the really stressed out version of me that I've become. ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

The good, the bad and the infertile

Come on! It's a good title!

I've been steering clear of our support group for a while. It's once a month and the first one fell just a few days after I found out my last IVF failed. I guess some people would say it would be good to go when you need it most, but I just wanted to deal with it myself and not be a blubbering mess in front of all of those people. Our next support group happened when we were on vacation, so last night was the most recent one.

On the positive side, it's really good to go and talk to people who are going through this. Everyone there realizes exactly what we are all up against. Some of their families are understanding, some families break their confidences, some don't feel like they can even share this with them. I'm lucky enough to have some very supportive friends and family, despite the occasional really ridiculous comment. It's a little easier to take when that happens knowing it's happened to every single person in my support group. In the end, it's the support that matters. The group helps me realize that I don't think I'd be able to get through this without my family and friends.

On the negative side, it's a room filled with people in a lot of pain. They don't know how their journey is going to end and neither do we. There's a finite amount of cash and just so long you can keep your life on hold. We all feel the pressure. Some couples can't even afford to do one round of IVF and some have had multiple losses. Sometimes I can't believe how much these people have been through...and sometimes I'm like...wait, I've been through all of that too....wow. I left last night feeling a bit upset. I feel for all of them and what they are going through....and I feel for our situation too. I wish I could make it better for all of us. I don't know how they get through it....I don't know how we get through it.

I see our life a year or so down the road....and all I can see if D and I with a baby (or two)....there's a lot of dark hair and very squinty eyes when he/she smiles. I've tried to think of what our life would be without us as a family, but I still can't. So I keep going...and going....and so do they.