Dear Lupron

You suck. I hate you. You make me feel horrible. You make me gain 3 pounds the moment I start your injections. I woke up with a headache this morning.....coincidentally I went to bed with one too...and it's all because of you. Why? Lupron. Why? I can't think straight and I'm depressed. I haven't been depressed for the past 4 months that you weren't in my life so I know it's you. You make me fear menopause. You make my husband quake in fear too. Did I mention you suck? YOU SUCK! The end.

Day 12 on Lupron.

20 to go.

Today is another day.

We took a few months after the last failed IVF. All I wanted was to feel like myself again....and, it took a while. I started to lose some weight. I started to have regular cycles again. My life didn't have to revolve around the IVF schedule. I even forgot the number to our IVF office and had to look it up. We renovated our back family room and turned it into a master bedroom over the summer.
Now, we have an extra room for a baby if one decides to come along. I started to concentrate on my photography business, which has really taken off. I've discovered that I really love maternity and newborn photography. It's not sad or weird to me at all. It's actually totally ok and really fun.

We also had some major discussions with our IVF practice. They wanted to help us out, but we didn't know how much they wanted to help us. Since we were out of money, we really needed them to come through or else we wouldn't get a chance with another donor. Luckily, they did. With some help from family, we are going to be able to do one more cycle.

So, here we go again. Last month I started the Pill. As soon as I started taking it I could feel hormonal changes. I didn't realize how much that would affect me. Then last week, I started Lupron. Oh boy. I felt that one from day one. Last night I was up with night sweats.....and two hours later I went back to bed and was freezing. I got choked up at a note on a Christmas card yesterday too. Let the Lupron crazy begin. I still have a month to go before the transfer even happens. I just hope it goes fast.

I'm trying hard to pretend that I'm not doing IVF right now at all. I'm a little afraid that hope is going to creep in and that excitement will follow soon after. Especially during the holidays, it's hard not to picture us with a baby next year.....or how it will be if we don't have one. The first time I got pregnant, my due date was 12/23, which I just realized is today. Wow. If things had worked out I'd have a 2 year old. But it's the journey right? We are stronger than we ever thought we could be. Let's just hope it takes us to a happy place in the end....a happy, sleep-deprived, spit up on place.

OK OK!

Yes progesterone, I acknowledge your power to f' with my head in these two weeks. Soreness on the right, then soreness on the left...yeah yeah I get it! Why you gotta be like that? You're like the patron unsaint of infertile women. You're like the mean fairy in Scrooged. And I just need to say...nobody likes you. booooo

Oh, apparently even though I ate the house....I lost 4 lbs. Crazy! I'm thinking that Lupron was also doing it's evil work on me. I'm so glad to be off the stuff!!!!!

Yay!

I'm not sure why I am excited but I am. Today was my last ultrasound before my transfer next week. For those caring about the technical stuff, my lining was 10.5mm. I'm pretty sure this is way good! Sounds like a good place that embryos might want to grow, right?

Maybe I'm excited just at the fact that I get to stop the Lupron on Sunday. At this point I don't even care that it means that I'll have to do shots in my ass every single night from now on. The crazy just needs to stop.

I was a little bummed to find out that the doctor I requested to do my transfer has left the practice. Apparently she had only been there for two years and her contract was up. I liked her though, she explained things very well..even drew diagrams about chromosomes and 40 year old ropes....it was a whole thing. So, it looks like it's Lucky Larry (who wasn't so lucky for us last time) again next Wednesday. Let's hope his (and our) luck has improved.

Saturday is a big birthday bash for K's b/f, so I guess I will use it to say farewell to the tasty beverages for a while. I will drink the wine like it's the last I will have for a long time.....and then maybe it will be!

Imagine three months of going up the beginning of a rollercoaster....and you're almost at the top. That's me....with my arms in the air!

The Sane Times

This cycle really doesn't have a whole lot going on. It's a lot of the same....BCP's for weeks, Lupron for weeks, add Estradiol for weeks, then PIO for weeks. It's the side effects that have made it(me) feel out of this world. So, when I was at the grocery store the other day, I picked up some sunflowers for my husband. I figured I should use my sane time to be extra nice so he can remember them through the craziness. Of course, it's not like it's my fault...as the IVF nurses are always saying. At the same time, a couple of months is a long, long time to live on the edge of reason....or to live WITH someone on the edge of reason.

One major IVF factor that's been on my mind is my weight. I have gained about 13 lbs since the miscarriage in May 2008....and that's on top of the post-honeymoon weight gain. I have these small windows of 2 weeks at a time where I can try to lose weight...and it never seems to be enough to make a real difference. Maybe it's the Lupron or the estrogen, but I get ravenously hungry sometimes and can never seem to make a dent. I know that even a small weight loss could make a big difference, so why can't I do it? It's so frustrating.

Estradiol starts....

While I wanted some change, I was hoping for less needles than more. In truth, I knew the next step was more, many more, larger needles in addition to the Lupron. When we had our checkup & ultrasound on Monday, the nurse told us that Estrogen is the "feel good" hormone. It makes women feel wonderful apparently. I only have to do the estrogen shots twice a week, Monday and Thursday. So far, I'm not feeling much better. I still feel the Lupron effects and I wouldn't really describe myself as feeling great right now. I did sleep a little better last night, but I'm not sure if that was just pure exhaustion or the estrogen. I'm still holding out hope for some good vibrations to come my way.

One thing I haven't missed since the last cycle are these intramuscular shots. Even with the lidocaine (EMLA cream), I can still feel them. This stuff is even thicker than the progesterone in oil so it takes a while to go in. I can barely get it into the syringe after warming it for a 1/2 hour. And, I'm trying not to think about the fact that I will start the PIO shots DAILY as of 7/18. Uh oh...too late!

The most difficult part of a cycle is the uncertainty. If I knew I would definitely get pregnant, I doubt any of this would matter. But, the fact that all of this could be completely pointless is the most challenging aspect of all.

Today I had a great day out with a friend. On one of our stops I indulged and bought an adorable) maternity top. I also looked at "faux" wedding rings (in case I get pregnant and can't fit into my ring). This could either be viewed as "a positive outlook" or make me feel like a total sucker if this cycle is a bust. It's a tough balance of fertility sanity. In general, I tend to err on the dark side, but when it comes to getting pregnant, the optimism sometimes wins out.

Don't tell, but I have a credenza in my living room that has three compartments and one of those is totally filled with baby items. I have a portion of my stand-up wardrobe that is all maternity clothes. And, at the beginning of every cycle I calculate my possible due date of my possible baby. So, although the realistic side tries hard to protect me, the "I would be over the moon" excited side sometimes wins out. Yeah, that's right, I'm a sucker, now you know.

Day 24

In the heat of the day, none of us is sure what is real. Was that a fish that just jumped out of the water or the peak of a wave? Without fresh water and food for days now, it's hard to be clear about anything. The crew is looking weak and there has been talk of canniba.......

Oh right, I'm not adrift....just totally whacked out on endless Lupron. Silly me. It's 2:18am and I'm tired, REALLY tired....but I can't sleep. I was in an air-conditioned room, yet burning hot. So I embrace Lupron's lot and write this instead.

I did have a short, interesting dream. In real life, I'm going to Atlantic City tomorrow with my mom and I was looking for restaurants before I went to bed. In the dream, D and I are sitting in an A.C. restaurant and a couple of tables over is Robert Pattison. I, of course, try to take his picture with Dan's Iphone so I can post it on my facebook. (tacky I know) Robert P. sees this and comes over to say hi. We have a nice chat and then he offers to take a pic with both of us. How nice is that guy? Now I don't have any type of celebrity crush on this guy or anything so I'm not sure why he is in my dream. Maybe he's a secret celebrity fertility god and it's a sign....or maybe I'm semi-psychic and we'll actually run into him on our trip. You never know!

Uh oh, is this what happens with lack of REM sleep? helps

Going....and going....and going

I feel like I've been stabbing myself with needles for forever now. It's been a REALLY long cycle.....albeit less invasive than a fresh cycle. I started Lupron shots on 6/12, so it's been 18 days of shots now...and I have at least a week to go...probably 2. Then after that the big shots in the butt start too. YIKES!

I was saying to D the other day how it's impossible not to feel let down when a cycle doesn't work out. It's not like a regular monthly cycle that's a month long and that you don't usually know it's happening until it's over. It's 2 whole months of total focus on the cycle then a big letdown. Of course, we're hoping (yet afraid to hope) that the letdown part doesn't happen this time!

I probably should stop watching those baby shows (but I know I won't). Last night, I saw one where the woman had IVF and it was unsuccessful. So, the next one they put in 3 embryos instead of 2 and all of them took....and she was about to deliver triplets. On our first IVF we put in 3, our second IVF we put in 4 and this one we'll be doing 5. We're doing 5 this time since these embryos are possibly lesser quality than the top ones we picked for the fresh cycle. It's a scary proposition....but I'm just hoping that one will stick....and be a healthy, normal embryo.

We won't know about the healthy part until about 10 weeks when we can have the CVS testing done. Between the chance of miscarriage and the chance of an abnormality, we really won't be able to be excited about a pregnancy until after the first trimester.

Phase 1 - getting knocked up
Phase 2 - staying knocked up
Phase 3 - testing

I'm so over phase 1! I'm totally ready to worry about Phase 2 now!

Be careful what you wish for!

So this morning I had to in for bloodwork and a baseline ultrasound. Unfortunately, I didn't get my period yet. I was supposed to get it mid-week. They said it's probably due to the cyst I have in my left ovary. It releases estrogen and throws the whole system out of kilter. Cysts can be a side effect of all the extra hormones that stimulate multiple egg development. It's been shrinking and the lupron has been helping that....so they bumped my tentative cycle by a whole week. Now I'm doing one more week of lupron injections. wheeeee fun (she said sarcastically)

I had my last day at work today. It was uneventful and I was glad. Then I went to get my hair done. Don't you know it? I'm sitting there and suddenly I have the worst cramps ever! Now I'll be doing lupron for an extra week AND have nasty cramps. Good luck D! You'll need it! hugs!

Learning to Deal

I know that people are well-meaning and that some people just don't know what to say when you tell them you have fertility issues. Many people just don't understand that if you had any other choice than IVF, that's what you'd be doing. If the chances were any more than slim, there's no way we'd be doing this.

I went to lunch with an ex co-worker a few weeks ago and she said..... "try not to think about it and just relax this summer". It made me chuckle a little on the inside, but I just said thanks. Later that week D and I went to the movies to see UP! and don't you know, the character's wife has a miscarriage. IT'S A CARTOON FOR GOD'S SAKE! Wouldn't you think this would be a safe haven? If it's not a movie, it's the celebrity baby boom, or family members having babies, getting pregnant etc. It's EVERYWHERE!

Now we are in the midst of our first FET (frozen embryo transfer). It's a lot less invasive that a fresh IVF cycle, but I still have a regimen of meds to follow. To be honest, I'm not sure how anyone who is not known as "the planner" and is not Type A could ever do IVF. The schedule of meds is crazy complicated. It makes me laugh again each morning when I have to take the prenatal vitamin and low dose aspirin and every night when I inject myself with Lupron, that I'm supposed to not be thinking about this and "just relaxing".

On top of it all, our lives are totally in limbo. We can't even plan a vacation because we have to be available for doctor's appts. Now that I'm almost out of work, it would be great if I could plan a few days away. However, since I can't give myself an 1 1/2" needle in my butt each night, I need to stay in the proximity of my dear hubby for a while. So, the "relax and take a vacation" advice is also nixed unless he can take off work.

I know the statistics and at this point, I know way more than I ever wanted to about IVF and infertility. Although I tried acupunture and will still be doing yoga whenever I can, I realize that this is just a difficult storm I'm going to have to ride through. There's no easy anecdote, daily mantra or any way to not face what's in front of us. One thing I am learning to get used to about my life right now....is that it's totally out of my control. I'm not liking it, but I'm learning to deal...and that's all I can do.

Crazy is as crazy stabs!

So I made it through a week of training in DC. It was stressful and exhausting, but it went fast because I was busy. I was hoping to lose some weight while I was gone, but that didn't happen. There was lots of walking in the city, but I wasn't able to make it to the gym at the hotel. The stress was a bit exhausting for me. Luckily I only gained 1 lb.

Now I'm back at home and I'm on day 3 of Lupron shots. Administratively, these are a piece of cake. It's only a 1/2" needle in my belly. But...after 2 whole months of not being on fertility meds....I can really feel a difference. I was very depressed this weekend and even cried today. This could be a bumpy ride! Time to break out the comedy dvds!!!! I stil have weeks to go!!!

Breathe!

About a month ago, I found out I was getting laid off from my job. However, they wanted me to stay on for 8 weeks to transition the job down to the DC office. Well, my coworkers are gone now, but they definitely had it easy and got to leave quickly. Now keep in mind that I do not like my job, I haven't liked my job for several years. We've all just been holding on for the amazing severance package. But...I had no idea how hard it was to watch your job disintegrate before your eyes. The people taking it over don't have any sense of personal responsibility and honestly have no idea what they are getting into. It's hard to see all this happen knowing that it will never be done at the level that you did it ever again. You would think that it would make me feel good, but it doesn't. It's hard to let go when I've spent 12 years scheduling my vacations around deadlines. I'd rather be gone and not have to see it. I have 3 weeks left and I'm trying hard to find my zen place to get through it.

Of course, with fertility treatments, de-stressing is critical....and it definitely not my strong suit. We've just started the "suppression month" of our first frozen cycle. Luckily, the real stuff won't be happening in the cycle until I'm long gone from the job. One thing I will not miss is the feeling I've been punched in the stomach that I have when I leave work each day. It's not supposed to be that way right???? I'm hoping to get back to me....and not the really stressed out version of me that I've become. ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm