The rest of the story ......

I just finally published all the posts I made after my pregnancy test. In case there are people out there going through the same things who happen to read this blog....I published them to let you know you are not alone. It has been very helpful to me in the past 1 1/2 years to go through and read the journey others have taken. Sometimes it seems that all of the journeys end in happy endings, but mostly I think that's just because it's so hard to write about it when they don't.

So here's my ending......

The morning of November 2nd I received a call from my aunt. She told my that my cousin just had her baby. I was happy for her.....I wondered if I was only happy b/c I was pregnant too.....but no, I was definitely happy for her. Of course, I desperately wanted that to be me as well. We had a 1pm u/s appt....the big 8 week appt that we both knew was the make or break u/s. If we could get passed this ultrasound, I may actually start to be excited about being pregnant. We sat in the eerily familiar waiting room as I tried to drink more water until we were called in. I changed into my gown and the u/s tech started the u/s as I explained to her our past history and how important this day was for us.

It quickly turned into a deja vu moment that I never wanted to have. The u/s tech could not find the sac, so she sent me to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then, we moved on to the vaginal u/s. (I already know where this is going but I'm holding my breath for a different outcome) We find the sac and can see blood flowing all around it.....but I don't see a heartbeat....and I barely see anything inside the sac. It seems a long time as the tech keeps looking but she finally says that the baby's size is only about 5 1/2 weeks, which means it shrunk from the last u/s...which means.....well.... that's when I started to cry. She says she is so sorry and leaves us alone. And then all I could say softly was "fuck.....fuck....fuck" as Dan hugged me. And then, it was all over. We both knew this was it. No matter what the doctors keep telling us, our chance for having our own genetic child was done. We don't have unlimited funds and I don't have the unlimited emotional strength to go through this again and again. I'd like my mental state and our marriage to remain intact.

I went in 2 days later for the d&e......and was very thankful not to run into my aunt or uncle anywhere in the hospital that day. A few days after I developed major pain and had to go to the er. It turned into a 3 weeks saga but I'm finally recovered.

We have other options left to have a family.....for the past couple of months we've just been recovering from a very very long year.

Here I go again....

....with my pre-appointment freaking out post. I have about 2 hours to go until my u/s appt with the high-risk perinatalogist this morning. I'm scared as hell, but I am feeling hopeful that things will be ok. I've had a weekend filled with pregnancy symptoms like fatigue and dizziness as well as pushes, pulls and soreness in my belly and boobs....so I'm hoping that's an indication that beanie baby is alive and kicking....or twitching to be more specific....since that's supposed to start this week.

The contractor is putting in our kitchen cabinets today so that's very exciting...and I just heard that my cousin had her baby this morning and they are both doing well. There's lots going on around me but there's really only one thing on my mind right now and it's that ultrasound.

I was reading a pregnancy book over the weekend and it said that the baby is the size of a cheerio cut in 1/2. Of course I made Dan go get a cheerio and cut it in half......and I taped it into the book. I mean, it had to be done! Let's hope our cheerio has a heartbeat today eh?

Girlies!!!

I told the girlies' (the TB's) about the pregnancy last night. We all got together for K's B-day. I really wanted to tell them in person. I was hoping to have the 2nd u/s with a heartbeat under my belt but I didn't want to wait b/c I have no idea when we'd be getting together next. I figured they were dying to know as much as I was! I showed them the u/s picture and they were all choked up. They are so sweet. J got all teared up and they all hugged me. Love those girlies!!!

Yesterday morning I went to get the H1N1 shot. They had a designated place set up for Montco residents (children 5-9 and pregnant women). So I get there 20 mins early and the parking lot is already full. Now this is one huge synagogue...so that's a big parking lot. I park on a side street and walk over. I was hoping the line (the giant line) would be inside, but alas no...and it goes along the whole sidewalk. I had to change into a short sleeve shirt to get the shot, so there I am in my t-shirt and lil leather jacket. oops. Luckily, we only waited about an hour....and I got to meet some nice people in the line.

On the way to girls' night though, I started feelin' wonky. I had the chills and was feeling a bit fluish. It got better when I ate some food, but then I woke up in the night with major stomach upset. This morning I slept until 9, despite the fact that the contractor comes at 8....and I'm still feeling kind of weird. Hopefully this will pass soon.

I definitely needed the shot though b/c I need to go to Matty's 5 year bday party in a couple of weeks and need to be protected from the slimy germs!!!

My new life....

So...what do you do when you are 41 1/2 and get pregnant? You make a new career out of going to doctor's appts of course!!! I'm going to have both a regular OB and a high-risk OB. I've just set up consultations, followed by ultrasounds followed by testing....blah blah blah. I love how they are making me get genetic counseling even though I've done that twice already. I wonder how getting pregnant again makes the schpeel any different?

Today I had to go to the RE's office and pick up copies of my file to give both offices. I've also been hunting down a place to get the H1N1 flu shot and luckily I found one. Even though you get pregnant, the appt and injection fun does not stop!

A Rollercoaster of a day!

We had our second u/s appt scheduled for 1:15pm. The last few hours before the appt were really nerve-wracking for me. I drove all the way up to Montgomery Mall to return something. I went to one store then decided to head back home. I was a totally mess basically. My stomach was a bit squirrely too.

So I go and give blood and then D and I wait in the waiting room. For another 1/2 hour!!! Uggggh, they are never on time on that side. Then we finally go into the exam room....and wait 15-20 minutes more. This time without my pants. That's always fun.

However, all our frustrations went away when we found out our doctor for the day would be Dr. S. yay! He always answers our questions so that put me at ease. So, on to the u/s. We were really nervous about seeing the heartbeat today. I see the sac and the baby and I see fluid moving around that I hadn't seen before....I was pretty sure that it was the heart. But, Dr. S puts a different screen up that shows the sound waves of the heartbeat and it was a flatline....ugggh this is what happened to us last time when we had our m/c so I became very anxious. Then he turns that off and continues to do the exam. He says that his silence is not an indication that anything is wrong ...that's when I ask him if there's a heartbeat. An he says "oh yes"....and shows me the spot...the one that I originally saw. yay! He said that this machine wasn't able to detect it on audio this early. sigh.....ok

Then we can see the placenta and he points everything out. Then, he gives the assistant the u/s and she starts poking and prodding in very bad directions. I'm not sure what she was measuring and looking for, but it was uncomfortable.

Anyway, we left with our cool picture and very excited. D and I went out to dinner to celebrate.

Here's the rollercoaster part. I got home from dinner and when I went to the bathroom found out I was bleeding. (damn u/s girl!) I immediately went and put my feet up for the rest of the night. Luckily the bleeding has stopped, but it was very scary end to a very exciting day.

Cakewalk....well, not so much

Which is worse? The two week wait or finding out your pregnant and having to wait a week between ultrasounds to see if you're STILL pregnant? Well, it's a trick question because they are both equally evil and maddening!!!

They gutted my kitchen yesterday so there's lots of activity going on. I've been running around packing boxes and setting up a makeshift kitchen in our backroom...now I'm on to answering contractor questions. You would think I'd have no time to be worried about the outcome of my new u/s right? You don't know me very well do you? I spend the time that I should be sleeping worrying about just that. Last night I was convinced that D used a regular tea bag not decaf in the nighttime tea he made me. I was that awake most of the night.

It doesn't help that I'm having these cramps on my right side. They are similar to "I'm about to get my period" cramps and the drs office said they were normal. They scare the shit out of me. I'll be here on the computer and get up to do something and have to stop in my tracks and breeeeeathe....breeeeeathe. Then they are gone again. Not cool fertility gods, not cool.

My boobs are starting to hurt a bit more and I notice my bra is getting a little snug. I feel a little like someone took a bike pump and put it.....let's say in my.....belly button (what did you think I was going to say? nice!) and is blowing me up like a Macy's Day Parade Float. Let's hope I don't explode in a public place!

Still no nausea or dizziness yet so I'm thankful for that. Now if I could I just flashforward about 7 months or at least 2 months and know this is all going to be ok?

If I didn't know.....

I wouldn't think that I'm pregnant. So far, I've had a couple days of fatigue and a few headaches. Compared to an IVF cycle, this is a cakewalk. Of course, I could be puking every 5 minutes next week but right now, I feel pretty good. I get mild cramps every once in a while which is kind of scary, but the doctor said this is normal. My boobs are a little sore, but no big deal.

This whole train of thought started yesterday after I did a 2 hour photo shoot for my cousin. I just couldn't believe how much energy I had. The last time I was pregnant I couldn't get off the couch. I tried weeding my garden while sitting on a stool and called D crying b/c it was too hard and I was too dizzy to do it. This time, the only similarity is that I'm thirsty as hell. It doesn't seem to be coming out in the quantity it's going in, so after gaining 1 1/2 lbs in 2 weeks, I've decided to stop looking on a daily basis. It's just too upsetting.

It's probably overly ambitious to be planning this kitchen renovation in the middle of all of this...but how did I know? I've had my life in limbo for so long I had to just decide to live it no matter what. And....it's the no matter what that is so scary to me now. I can't believe I have to wait another 4 days until the next u/s. I wish this room were padded!

Big Day!

It was a little hard to sleep last night knowing my first ultrasound is today. I get nervous at each new step....will this be the end of the road for us....or will we keep moving forward? I know we probably won't see a heartbeat today and even if we do, we need to get past 7 1/2 weeks for it to be real to me, ya know? It's all just so scary and so exciting. I can't ignore it and I so want to be excited, but then I have flashbacks to the day we found out we lost our first pregnancy. That flash of intense sadness is like a slap in the face that keeps me from getting carried away. It was probably the 2nd saddest thing that ever happened to me in my life.

But....like D said, everything was different about this IVF cycle. And...the whole idea of IVF is to help find the strongest embryos and put those back in. If I was to try getting pregnant naturally at my age, it's possible I would have become pregnant again, but the chances would have been much higher that there would be an abnormality. These embryos were monitored every step of the way and they were the strongest of the bunch......and they made it to blastocyst, so that gives me hope that this pregnancy will be different.....stronger.....better.....(sorry, I went into Six Million Dollar Man mode there).

I can see the future right now and it's so exciting. I hope it's not taken away again....because I'm really looking forward to it.

2:23pm. Wow, that was pretty surreal. I was pretty nervous going in. Dr. S, who we haven't seen since our IVF consultation, came in and started cracking jokes. He was like a whirlwind. He talked amazingly fast but at least he 1) acknowledged that he knew we had a miscarriage and 2) answered my ?s without me asking them. He said that no matter what anyone says we will be nervous for a long time b/c of the previous miscarriage. But......for now, we have one good looking yolk sak and tiny dot of baby (trust me, it's there). Still, excited and scared.....I have a feeling that will be around for a while.

Waiting Waiting Waiting

It's been a very long weekend for me. Instead of the every other day blood test, but because of the weekend, I had to go an extra day. I'm not even sure how I stayed sane the first time I was pregnant. I didn't even have my first doctor's appt (aka nurse consultation) until 7 weeks. Now I find 2 days without a blood test maddening.

So, it's 12:30 now and I'm waiting for the nurse's call with my results. I'm trying to distract myself by packing for our kitchen renovation, but I'm carrying my cell phone from room to room. Basically, the whole distraction idea is not working! I keep checking the phone like it may have rung in my pocket and I didn't hear it. Yes, I've totally lost it!

D and I are both walking the tightrope between being excited and not getting too invested at this point. It's very, very hard. I want to be excited, but I'm so scared about the letdown. One of the girls in our support group has been to this level and well-beyond 4 times now before she miscarried. I can't even imagine that...and those possibilities are always in the back of my mind now.

"Courage isn't an absence of fear. It's doing what you are afraid to do. It's having the power to let go of the familiar and forge ahead into new territory."
~John Maxwell

1:45pm Our beta number is 1738! yay! I made an appt for Thursday for our first u/s! yay!

Nothing like doing a newborn baby shoot to distract you from the fact that you're pregnant eh? Well, hopefully it will. sigh I'm getting a bit obsessed with the whole thing. It's a little hard to not think about it. I wish it could be 8 weeks already so we could be passed the point where the pregnancy ended last time. I really need to stop reading about miscarriage rates for women over 40 on the internet.

Yesterday I was making a list of things to do this weekend. D was annoyed b/c he said if he were packing for the kitchen renovation, he'd do it the night before. My point of view is that I have no idea how I'll be feeling in 2 weeks. I may not be able to get off the couch like last time.

So.....later that day...I was all full of pep, then around 3pm I started to get really tired. Then, I started to get REALLY tired. I wound up laying on the couch until 11pm. ha! I win round 1!

Headache explained!

Luckily when I woke up this morning, the killer and never-ending headache from yesterday was gone. During my blood test, I said to the nurse how I guess it's not multiples since these levels have been pretty normal so far. She said that sometimes, it ccan jump up all of a sudden. Don't ya know, I got the call with my results later and I went from 92, to 180 to 542!!!!!! uh oh! We'll have to wait for the u/s's to find out for sure. I'm just happy the numbers are going up!

Arrrrrgh me achin' heeeeeed

The first time I was pregnant in May 2008, I was never nauseous. My big pregnancy symptom was extreme dizziness (I SAID DIZZINESS, not DITZINESS people! jeez, insulting me on my own blog with your thoughts!). Anywhoooo, I wasn't able to stand up for long periods of time. Before I knew I was pregnant, I thought I was getting the flu because I had to go lay down in the middle of blowdrying my hair.

This time, I've felt pretty good. I have a pinching feeling on my lower right side. I thought the headaches I was having were from caffeine withdrawal, but today I'm convinced otherwise. I've officially done everything to get rid of this headache and it won't budge. I drank some iced tea, I took a nap, I took a bath, I drank some water...still....throbbing. I'm hesitant to take any tylenol for it if I don't have to and I don't really think it will help. Tylenol is pretty useless. I'm always amused at the Tylenol commercial that says this is what they give women who have just delivered in the hospital. Yeah, that's because that's all they can take while breastfeeding, not because it actually takes away their pain.

So, I guess I'll have to ride the wave and assume this is happening because there's been another big jump in my beta level. I'll find out tomorrow at blood test #3! I wonder how many of these I'll have to do.

And, speaking of that pinching feeling....I've had that a couple of times while on the two week wait from a natural cycle or ivf cycle. I wonder if my embryos were starting to implant then peetered out. Hope we have a strong one this time! yay turbo-co-culture!

Now for the good news....

After the healthcare coverage fiasco, I rec'd a call from Dawn Marie (one of the IVF nurses) saying my beta was 180~! Yay! We have doubling!!!!! Almost perfect doubling! UHC can TRY to bring me down, but it will not work. Not today my friends, not today!

Arrrrrgh! myuhc myass!

Back before I was laid off I was covered by United Healthcare. They have a 10K lifetime limit on fertility treatments. So, I did all the testing to see if there was any reason we weren't getting pregnant, then in January we did our first round of IVF. I kept track of all the payouts and at the time we started, we had at least $5100 left in coverage. When I called UHC, they said I had like $8000. They also said that the account would be reviewed in 120 days and they would let me know if there was a problem. So, UHC pays the whole cycle, and June comes and goes with nothing from them. Then I hear today from my doctor's office that UHC wants $5400 back and my doctor's office wants me to pay it. huh??????

I will try to fight it, but I don't know how far I can get with a giant healthcare company. First the contractor is trying to swindle us, now this. sigh

A rough one!

Monday PM ...D and I decided to go to our support group tonight to let everyone know about the benefits of co-culture. I was a little hesitant because there are some people in our group that have been there years before us and I didn't want to upset them with our news. The leader insisted we come and when we got there, the 2 people I was most worried about came in. ugggh. So we all told our stories and at the end one of the 2 girls said she just had a miscarriage. She miscarried after the heartbeat and everything. I totally knew how she felt and felt so horrible for her. I'm sure the last thing she wanted to hear was our news. sigh.

But, there was someone else there with the same egg quality issues as me, so maybe I helped and not hurt. We probably won't keep going though....I don't want anyone to dread going to the group b/c of us.

Beta Day!

Yes, today it became official! I AM PREGNANT! Three of the IVF nurses called me together to deliver the news....one even sang me a little "You are pregnant, you are pregnant" song. So sweet! I felt a bit guilty for using the HPTs b/c I couldn't be as excited with them. I was also in the middle of a granite store so I had to temper a bit. So...my beta level is 92! This is definitely a good level. Now we go back in 2 days and hope it comes close to doubling. On to hurdle #2.

It's strange, with all that D and I have been through in this past year and a half, I thought it had ruined all the excitement. It really hasn't. I'm cautious and a bit scared, but still very excited. I am much more aware of all the hurdles I have in front of me....but right now I'm just very grateful to even get the chance to face them.

I realize that there is nothing I can do to make this pregnancy stick or not at this point....I just have to go where it leads me....and hope. My goal right now is to get through Wednesday and see how the 2nd blood test goes.

T-2 days Saturday

Well, I've taken a multitude of pregnancy tests since Thursday. They are all lined up on the toilet tank in our bathroom. The good news is that the one (ok two) from this morning are distinctly darker. This means the amount of HCG in my body is increasing....which means the pregnancy is continuing...so far.

The bad news is that after my first positive test on Friday I started spotting. Now this just be a thing called implantation bleeding...but it's still going on today so I do have a bit of worry. We'll have to wait and see though....and hope it all works out. I keep thinking of that "I didn't know I was pregnant" show. I'm addicted to it. So many of the women are all "but I had my period each month what do you mean I'm in labor". I also have the internet to support me in whatever angle I choose to believe in. If I google "bleeding 12dpo ivf" I'm sure to find 10 girls who are having the same experience as me and 10 who aren't. So, right now I'm with the ones who are saying "it's all ok...don't you worry you're pretty head".

Is that what people call optimism? It feels so strange!

T-3 days Today is Friday, my pregnancy test is Monday. Woke up at 7am and realized I had to pee. We gave the dog a bath last night and I had no allergy meds in my system since I can’t take any Allegra-d right now and Claritin is well….useless crap. I look in the mirror and my eyes are all puffy. Shit, I look REALLY tired, but I have to pee, so this means I have to take the test and then stay up and wait. I start sneezing…which is what I do in the morning….so I’m waiting and surfing the internet and sneezing…with my puffy eyes…it’s a lovely scene. I check the test, nothing. I check the test a few minutes later….nothing. I can’t focus really well (because it’s 7 freakin’ am) so I go into the bathroom for brighter light….can’t see anything. I am still not convinced so I go get the flashlight and can’t see anything. (This reeks of desperation I know) I am disgusted and toss the HPT into the trash in my office. But you know it doesn’t end there! I surf the internet for a while and then of course I fish it out of the trash and look again (with the flashlight….I know, I’m so disgusted with myself as well, I’m a grown woman for god’s sake…I need to get a grip!) and see an teeny tiny faint pink line. Now there are 2 rules of HPT’s that apply here: 1) a line is a line. If you don’t have the hormone it won’t turn pink. and 2) The test results are not valid after 10 minutes. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!!!! This does not help my desperation one bit.

Since I can hear Dan stirring, I go in and ask him if he would like some false hope for the day…..and then tell him the story. He’s actually on my side and says if it’s pink it’s pink…and that this is what happened the last time. Last time, the line looked kinda of gray then got pinker and pinker each day. I LOVE HIM so much at this moment! He gets up and I show him the stick and he’s like “oh I can definitely see it” (sans flashlight and all).

After he gets ready and kisses me goodbye, I suggest that maybe I should spend my day taking pregnancy tests every hour on the hour. He suggests that I should probably just wait until tomorrow morning….or at least 12 hours. What’s reason got to do with this? REALLY!!!!!

Do you think I will be able sleep a wink tonight knowing I will get up in the morning to test again and dying to know if this pink line is for reals?

10:17 am You KNOW I couldn’t wait 12 hours…I have 2 perfectly good, unused tests sitting right here and I suddenly have to go to the bathroom again. Sssshhhhhhh don’t tell Dan! 6 minutes in….there’s definitely a teeny tiny faint pink line.

Now this is getting interesting!!!!!

Delayed Entry - T-4 days

Since I’m non-blogging mode about my ivf cycle outcome. I decided to write it all down so that once I hit the end of my first trimester I can let you all know what happened.

T-4 days 4 days until my beta test. I know the chances are slim that it would show on a home test yet….still there I was peeing on the stick! Zippo!

Funny story (maybe): Right before my egg retrieval, I had to take what they call a trigger shot. It’s a mega-dose of HCG, the pregnancy hormone, this tells the pituitary gland to tell the ovaries to ovulate. Apparently, some ladies have been doing it wrong (I’m not sure how this is possible….but ok) and go in for their retrieval and get no eggs. So, the drs office now makes us take a pregnancy test the next morning to make sure the HCG is in your system. Then, you have to call and leave them a message that your test was positive. My message was something like this: “uh this is Linda M.….just calling to say that my pregnancy test was positive this morning. I’m kind of surprised because I was convinced these things were defective”…….followed by more rambling and sarcasm. Those poor nurses must think I’m totally nuts which…..well…..

Proof Positive

Sorry,I'm not talking about a pregnancy test result! I know that's mean, but that's how I roll.

I was just thinking about.....what if this is THE cycle...what if I do get pregnant? Basically, it's with the help of the wonderful doctors but....this was not the next step they recommended for me. They actually didn't recommend this at all...and I'm not sure why. After my last failed fresh cycle I asked the 2 doctors involved to put their heads together and come up with a best course of action for me. They recommended a D&C to "reboot my system". Well, after searching on the internet for any kind of research paper or data to support this, I spoke to one of the doctors who confirmed that there is no data to support this. Then, I came up with this gameplan...and when I did, the doctor supported it. I didn't invent it, but I did suggest it. Even if this cycle is negative, we had some great results. So I know, that if we stop here, this was the best we could do....if it didn't work then obviously my eggs are crap. Still, I'll be certain that I did all I could.

Moral: Be your own advocate...know all you can about the IVF process.....study study study. It will make you mad.....but doctors don't always tell you everything so you have to do it!

Sanity post 1

Well, on the grand scheme of my IVF sanity, I think I'm doing pretty well. That's not to say that I'm not thinking about the countdown every single minute of every single day, but at least I'm pretending that I'm not. I'm trying to keep myself busy by focusing on my photography. I've taken a few webinars and actually have planned 2 photo shoots in the next couple of weeks. Of course, one is a maternity shoot and the other is a newborn shoot, but they will be fun to do nonetheless. At least now I'm scouring the internet for baby shots with a whole different purpose. That's somewhat sane right?

We're also waiting to get started on our kitchen renovation. We have one contractor left to give us an estimate before we chose and I hope he gets back to us today....else my brain will surely explode.

One of my least favorite things to do.....waiting. Yet, it's all I do. Seems like an evil plot of the universe no?

Hurdles!

Maybe over the next week or so I'll make a few posts about how the waiting is whittling away at it my sanity....but I won't be posting about the outcome of this IVF. I know I've said it before, but since this is our last try we won't be posting the outcome either way for quite a while.

The reason we're not posting anything is because getting pregnant is just the first hurdle. We have the heartbeat, then the CVS screening, then the first trimester to get through. Chances of miscarriage at my age can be as much as 50%. Once we get passed all of these hurdles....we'll let you know how it went.

Thanks so much for being there to support us and I know the waiting will be just as hard on you as it is for me right now.

The post transfer AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

A sigh of relief! When we arrived at the RE's office there were a few people ahead of us. Good thing because I realized I forgot to drink any water. They ask you to drink a lot of water b/c it helps the position of the uterus for the transfer. Since I have a retroverted uterus I don't have to drink too much. So, while waiting I started downing the 2 large cups of water they brought me. Then, Dr. S came in (aka Mr. No Pain Biopsy Doctor...love him!). He gave us a pic of our FOUR BLASTS! That's right FOUR! Turns out 2 were from this cycle and 2 were thawed out from our first IVF cycle. We actually have all 4 of our morulas make it to blast, but 2 were missing the ICM. In the coolness part 2 section of today's posts, I'll explain what that means below.

Anyway, we went in for our transfer. Again, it was pretty uncomfortable for me. The have to really angle that speculum in a bad way b/c of my curved uterus. Hopefully it will be well worth it. We are so excited!!!

Here's a pic of our blasts. The 2 on the left are fresh and the 2 on the right were frozen.


Here's the coolness factor of the blastocyst! It's only about 100 cells, but the cells have already separated into their future parts. (this is not my embryo)



"Another image of a high quality human blastocyst
The cells which will become the fetus are in the area marked as "ICM" (inner cell mass)
The blastocoel cavity in the center is marked as "C"
The trophectoderm cells that will form the placenta surround the cavity - one is marked with a "T""

Yes, we have some morulas.....we have some morulas today!

Actually yesterday, but you get the idea. The term the embryologist used was "compacting"...we had 4 compacting embryos as of yesterday as well as 1-10 cell, 1-9 cell, 1- 8 cell and the rest of 6's, 5's and 2-4's. The 2-4 cells had not doubled since the previous day so they are peetering out. But, the great news is that, as of yesterday we had 4 compacting embryos which means they are exactly on track for day 4 development. Of course, as soon as I got off the phone I had to google more info on morulas(it's what I do). It gave me chills reading about it....I was just amazed. Check out this cool pic (not my embryo) and explanation.



"This is a compacting morula. There are many cells and the cell borders are becoming fuzzy as the embryo "compacts". With compaction it looks as though the cells are "melting together". A morula contains about 10-30 cells. The morula stage is the final stage prior to formation of a fluid filled cavity called the blastocoel cavity.

Embryo arrest at the morula stage is not uncommon, which is one reason that transfer at the blastocyst stage can be a beneficial IVF treatment strategy."

Well, since I haven't received my day 5 results yet, we'll totally ignore the last sentence and think happy, happy thoughts about blastocysts.

So, think hopeful thoughts for us that our embryos made it through to blast. So far we have had every indication that this extreme change in protocol was the right one, but today is the next big hurdle. There's always a chance we could walk in for our transfer today and find out that none of them made it through this stage.

I know, I know, happy thoughts.....this is why they gave me the valium for today!
I must find the happy place!

Aw Snap!!!!

I set my alarm for 7am since the drs office was calling between 7-7:30. I then proceeded to torture D out of his dream state. Apparently, if you make little noises in someone's ear it is very, very loud to them. Who knew????? ;P

They called around 8 so by then we were totally awake. We couldn't believe the news.

Now let me preface by saying that in the last 2 cycles the best results we had was 1-8 cell embryo and a couple 5 and 6's and the rest were all 4s. Today, we have SIX - 8 cells, 1- 6cell, 2-5cell and 7-4cell. The criteria for going to blastocyst at my clinic is 5- 8 cells so we are officially going to a 5 day transfer.

I am so stunned at the difference the co-culture has made. I wish they suggested it sooner. (Oh wait, I was the one who suggested it..but I digress.) We only expect to get 2 or 3 blasts to transfer, but the idea is that those will be the strong ones with no age-related abnormalities. Think lots of healthy growing embryonic thoughts will ya?

Day 2

The Day 2 results don't really say much usually. Except.......for the fact that I have this blog and can compare my day 2 results with my previous 2 ivf cycles. BONANZA!

OK so here it is:

IVF #1 IVF #2 IVF#3

......... ......... 1-5cell

2-4cell 1-4cell 3-4cell

3-3cell 3-3cell 5-3cell

9-2cell 11-2cell 7-2cell


Now THESE results are something to be excited about!!! (and also prove that my 2nd cycle with the Lupron protocol totally sucked!) I also just realized that for a cycle I thought had the least follicles of them all, we ended up with the most embryos. Wow! Now we just wait and hope the co-culturing continues to do its stuff and we have a good amount of 8-cells by tomorrow AM. We'll talk to the embryologist then and make the call on a 3 day or 5 day transfer.

Oooooo, did you feel that??? That was another twinge of hope. uh oh!

Egger'date

19 retrieved, 18 mature (which I'm stunned to hear) and 16 fertilized!!!!

There were so many small follicles on the u/s I can't believe that almost all were actually mature. This part is so exciting yet I hate having hope. It'll be like jumping off Niagara if this one doesn't work.

I'm still a bit sore, but I'm down to just tylenol instead of tylenol with codeine. I was up a bit around 5am when all my meds wore off, but D hooked me up with the heating pad and it all calmed down again. I like how in the doctor's discharge instructions they write it like you're going to think about going to the gym that day or something. Oh, and don't lift more than 20 lbs. DUUUUDE, I CAN'T GET OFF THE COUCH AND I'M HAPPY TO BE ABLE TO PEE NORMALLY!!!!

oops. tmi... and yes, if my doctor can call my eggs "juicy" I believe I can refer to him indirectly as dude. Off to have mass quantities of caffeinated tea while I can!

Go eggers!!!

Originally, I created this blog so that my friends and family could check on my "fertility status" without having to ask me all the time...and so that they could know what goes into this whole arduous process. But....I don't always think in those terms when I'm venting and ranting on a daily basis....it's more a stream of consciousness of my current state of insanity. So, when you see me next, please pretend I did not tell you about my "juicy" ovaries or how much I've been peeing lately! :P

Thanks to everyone who was checking today to see how my retrieval went. I blame the percocet and tylenol with codeine for my inability to put sentences together. The retrieval went well and I'm just resting and a little crampy now. After the past few days, it's a walk in the park. I was very glad to get those little eggers out. I told D I felt like a Jiffy Pop bag ready to burst...but at least I wasn't nauseous anymore!

The anesthesiologist started my pain meds before the doctor came in. First, I felt a little loopy, then I noticed that the lights in the ceiling looked like I was being pushed on a gurney down the hallway, but I wasn't moving. Pretty cool! Next thing you know, I woke up and it was over. I said how I hadn't even seen the doctor. The nurse told me that I had seen him and even said hi....then she corrected and said "actually you said 'Ciao". Em...barrrasssssinnnng!!!!

Apparently, they gave me a new med in my iv that they thought would help with my asthma. The effect was to totally dry out my mouth and throat. When I woke up, my lips were stuck to my gums and I immediately drank 2 full glasses of water. It's been almost 12 hours since the procedure and my voice is still dry and raspy. It's a good time to try out my version of "Betty Davis Eyes"!

Ok, ok, I'll cut to the chase, don't bury the lead I know, I know. So, although it was a lackluster start.....NINETEEN eggs were retrieved!!!! Of course, a bunch of these were more like 10mm than 16mm so they may not be mature enough to fertilize. We'll have the fertilization results tomorrow morning so cross your fingers!

From there, we'll see how they grow with the co-culture and decide how to proceed from there. Go eggers!!!!

Bleh and Frick!

Well, after my last post things took a turn for the worse. I was overcome by major fatigue and nausea. I slept 3 hours in the afternoon and another 2 later in the day. I finally got up to eat some dinner, then paid for that with major intestinal distress for a few hours. The doctor thinks it may not be side effects from the meds but my high estrogen levels. Lovely.

He almost told me that I had to stim another day....I was like "no way, seriously?" So, they let me take my trigger shot tonight. This means, no more meds and my retrieval will be Monday AM.

My dr was all with the "how can you be having this reaction when you're 41?". This type of severe reaction is more a 28 year old than 41 year old...blah blah blah...so is the getting pregnant part. He actually called my ovaries "juicy". ew....and weird.

I just spent the day sleeping yet again...but I feel it may be starting to lift. I'm in a semi-upright position right now so there's hope.

Frick!

Kelita said it best earlier today, referring to my current state as the "hatchery". And the hatchery is not progressing very quickly. There was a good amount of follicles, but most were in the 13-14mm range with 1 or 2 at 16mm. We need to get as many as possible at 16mm or more. The rub is that my estrogen levels are high. So, they are cutting out my growth hormone and "coasting" me on the Menopur. Menopur is all about the quality....so hopefully we will get where we need to be REALLY QUICK!

During the u/s it was clear the my ovaries are so large that they are right next to each other. CRAZY! I'm one of those lil' desk things with the metal balls...lovely! No wonder I can't do anything without getting sore. The drugs are really wiping me out. I'm still really nauseous and just took a 3 hour nap. What sucks is all this resting is soon to be followed by recuperating and then followed by more bedrest. bleh. So much for the last nice days of summer.

I don't know what the slow growth really means....maybe it's not a good sign or a bad sigh.....I know it's a nauseous sign. bleh

A whole new wave!

It's 3am and it's the nausea wave I'm riding today. I'm on day 4 of ganerilix. I had to start it a little early b/c my estrogen levels were high. Nausea, unfortunately, is one of the side effects. D rolled over and suddenly I felt like I was on the Bering Sea on a Deadliest Catch boat. I don't remember having this before, or being so freakin' uncomfortable that my ovaries woke me up in the middle of the night. Alas, this is my lot this time. I'm REALLY hoping they will tell me I can take my trigger shot at tomorrow's appt. That means all the meds would finally stop.

I weighed in at WW this morning, but only lost a 1/2 lb. I'm assuming it's b/c of the giant follicles in me right now. I'm drinking lots of water, but it's not all coming out the other way. Can you say water retention?

It's so hard just sitting around doing nothing right now. I have so many projects I want to do before it gets too cold. I'm all ready to go with painting and redecorating our bathroom....the ladder is in the hallway and the paint is purchased. It's all on hold because I realized if I started I wouldn't be able to finish for a few weeks. Painting during the two week wait is not really a good idea.

I won't even mention the debacle going on with our kitchen renovation contractor. I'm trying to stay as zen as possible. He's not helping.

Turn on the waterworks!!!

I had another follow up appt today. Unfortunately, my follicle growth has stalled since I had to start taking ganirelix. They did say it would start up again, but my retrieval will be a few days later now. oh well.

So I came home and decided to give my dog a haircut. I think I took on a little too much. I was feeling fine when I started, but by the the time I finished vacuuming up her hair, my left side was extremely sore. I took 2 acetaminophen and decided to chill a while and watch the Sex and The City movie....again.

Next thing you know, I'm sobbing through the whole movie. Oh boy, the hormones have kicked in. My side was still sore by the end, so next I tried a bath. It did help but I took it easy and watched P.S. I Love You. Nothing like a story about grieving for your dead husband to send a hormonal girl over the edge. Cried through movie #2!

I can't believe I have to go on a few more days like this. I know, I know, Poor Dan! oy!

Oh yeah, so last night when I was giving myself the shot I noticed a bruise from a previous shot. It was sore and felt like there was lump. So I rubbed it a bit. During my bath I looked and down and realized what I thought was a shadow was really a 4" x 2" bruise where the lump had been. nice!

Ride the wave!

Support!

D and I were debating whether to go to our support group last night. First, he said no b/c we don't have that much to talk about. I was like "are you crazy"? Then he clarified that sometimes it's like we're just reporting what's going on with us and hearing everyone else's stories, but not really getting much out of it....which is true. I'm the type to make jokes rather than cry in large group so sometimes I don't seem like the one who is the most upset. But we decided to go anyway basically due to that whole Forest Gump quote. See? There I go again.

So, we're all telling our stories from the beginning since there are 3 new people there. D and I talked about how to know when to change course, when to stop and how frustrating all of this is because you just don't know. Then, it gets to the last person, E. She's been in our group for a while and her and her husband have been through so much. They are in the middle of the adoption process as well because they had so many failed attempts. She's telling us about the terrible cycle she had and how she was convinced it didn't work........but .....it did. Now's she's pregnant and about to go in for her 2nd ultrasound. yay! She almost didn't come to the meeting but I'm so glad she did. She really gave D and I some hope for this cycle. Thanks E! and Forest!

Marching on......

I'll cut to the chase. Went in for my u/s this morning. There were some good sized follicles. They say they are in the same range as my other 2 cycles at this time. So basically they said the quantity can vary from cycle to cycle, but the response (growth, estrogen levels, etc.) is still really good for my age. Who knows what to believe anymore. I did see 6 decent ones on the right and 2 decent ones on the left and a few smaller ones. I guess we're moving forward. How do I feel about it all? Well, to quote Mike Doughty, "These fears are bountiful".

Now I have the craziest story to share. So, I went to my cousin's baby shower yesterday. And, just like her wedding shower, she had more people there than my actual wedding. It took her 3 hours to open all the gifts. We couldn't even see the front of the room. It was crazy! But she looked adorable and I'm so happy for her. She has lots of health problems so I'm so glad she didn't have to go through all of this too.

I must preface by saying...I love my Aunt...I really do. She is just the sweetest person and always doted on all of us. But...she is also the LAST person in the whole world I wanted to know about my IVF. Someone, who shall remain nameless (3 letters, spelled the same forwards and backwards, gave birth to me and denies all culpability) told her about my fertility struggles. So, I go to this shower with a bit of armor on, but also feeling a bit vulnerable b/c of all the latest challenges....like just going to a baby shower wasn't hard enough.

I walk in, gift in hand and she puts her hand on my belly and asks if anything is happening yet? Seriously, this is a lady who could not have children of her own and moved on to adopting 2 great kids. I have no idea how she could say that me but it actually happened. It was like a slow motion car wreck....one that I ran from as quickly as possible. I know she meant well.....somehow. I was very proud of myself that I didn't cry in front of 80 people. When I went to my table and told my mom and sister, their mouths dropped open. Stunning, it was stunning.

Deep down, I knew there was the potential of such an incident. Probably b/c of the time I brought a new boyfriend to a picnic and she asked me if he was "the one". I think I had dated him a few months. So, it's not totally surprising, yet, still...unfreakinbelievable.

Guess I'll have to add that to my list of things not to say to someone doing IVF....but wasn't this one a given?

Sigh....well......

.....it doesn't get much better, at least in my opinion. I had my 2nd checkup on Friday. I saw about 5 growing follicles in the right ovary. These seemed to be growing very unevenly though. On the left, well, I don't know what the hell is happening on the left. I really couldn't see. I couldn't clearly count any it was just a lot of fuzzy blobs. This is definitely different the my previous 2 cycles.

So Friday I focused on planning the decor of my bathroom. Then right before D came home, my mom called to ask how my appt went. As I told her, it just all came up and I suddenly couldn't push down the fact that this cycle sucks any longer. So, I did what any normal girl in the midst of a sucky IVF cycle would do. I downed a bottle of wine with my hubby and drunk dialed the drs office! OK, maybe I wasn't that drunk, but just enough buzz for me to let out all the feelings and worries about this cycle. I had already told the nurse I was upset at my appt, so this time I asked a dr to call me.

I was so worried that no one would call me back on Saturday and I'd have to wait all weekend. But, the new dr. (the one who I call "Mr. No Pain Biopsy to whom I might be related"....he has a family last name...long story) called and was very understanding of all my concerns. I told him how Dr. B said that my fertility wasn't going to fall off a cliff that it's a gradual decline, but in 6 months since my last fresh cycle, this feels like falling off a cliff.

Basically, he said my estrogen levels were good...and that it is still too early to tell. I could cancel the cycle if I want, but if I waited until my appt on Monday, I might have a better idea what is really happening in there. So, he promised to be there for my appt and help me decide.

Can it really be all over for me? I mean, we still have other options, but none of them include D and I have a child that is both of ours. Is it just hugely narcissistic to want that? It's just so hard to come to grips with it since I've wanted a child since I was in my early 20s. I was torn apart at the fact that my first husband was sooooo not ready to have a child. And after 9 years I had to realize that he was not a good person to have children with...not for me at least. I dealt with that for so long and then being single for so long it becomes a kind of chicken before the egg kind of thing and you refocus your priorities to just having a nice person to date or finding some great friends.

Then, I FINALLY meet a wonderful guy who is not only so much fun and affectionate and mature, but really wants kids too. Now this. I know, it's not like we can't have kids at all but I really wanted to see how the mix of extreme niceness and sarcasm would turn out, ya know? Would the baby speak in a british accent or in a southern one? Inquiring minds want to know!!!!

Anyway, sorry for the ramble. We're going in tomorrow to figure out what to do. The journey is definitely at a crossroads. This whole struggle has definitely taught me to get used to things being out of my control. It's taught me that all the things I never wanted to do or was scared to death to do, not only can I do, but I can handle and sometimes I even frickin' volunteer for. I actually said to the doctor "I could do IVF a million times if I had to, but our bank account can't"...and it's true. I've put my life in total limbo. I can't book a wedding b/c it's too far out to know if I'll be pregnant. I'm dedicating my whole life to this right now. D and I are dedicating (or have decidated) all our savings to it. Now we may have to realize that we can't make it happen the way we thought....we may have to regroup. I'm sure we'll figure it out, b/c in the end all we really want is to be a family.

It's a great day to go to a baby shower no? For someone who got married a year after we did. Time for my game face. sigh

Well......

I was kind of excited to have my appt today. IVF is such a waiting game and this cycle was moving pretty quickly. So I went in for my baseline ultrasound this morning. Uterus still there, check....ovaries there, check....however I could hardly see any antral follicles. These come up at the beginning of each cycle and look like little white dots in your ovaries. I got a glimpse at 2 and that was it. In previous cycles I've had 13 or so...at least! The nurse said I only had 4 on each side. CRAP! So, I freaked out a lot today and felt a bit down. It's hard doing IVF, and even harder going through all this shit feeling like someone just tripped you at the starting line.

So, I came home from my appt and took my first shot of gonal-f. It was easy at this point. What amazed me is how I was so fatigued within an hour. Could that really be from the gonal-f or the fact that I was up in the middle of the night? I took a little nap, but the feeling seemed to linger. Hinky!

Then tonight, comes a new part of my protocol, the Menopur. Usually I would do another dose of Gonal-F in the evening, but my doc is switching it up. Man, this is a high maintenance injection. You take a large needle and attach this adapter to it, then you suction out a vial of liquid. Then you take the liquid and put it into a vial of powder and swirl (not shake)....and since I had to do 4 vials of powder I had to keep suctioning and injecting and re-swirling. And after all of that, the motherf'r burns like a banchee. (if banchees burn that is) The injection site is all red and itchy. Not cool, Menopur, not cool. We have to hang out for the next 11 days so maybe you should chill out. OK, I'm talking to inanimate medications....must be time for bed....or the drugged craziness has begun. nite

It's 4am I must be crampy

It doesn't even really phase me anymore. Days and days of wicked evil cramps are just par for the course at this point. When even the doctors use the phrase "you're going to get a doozy of a period", you know, it's going to happen yet you don't quite know the extent of the word "doozy". But I do now!

The good part of IVF is that it can super-stimulate your ovaries to create many more eggs than normal. The bad part is that you have to come down off of those hormones sometime. So it's 4 am and I'm wide awake yet again this weekend. I know exactly when my pain meds wear off in the middle of the night. Oh how I wish I had that lil percocet again from the biopsy. Now THAT was a fun day!

I have an early morning drs appt so my alarm is set for 7:15. I assume I'll be falling back asleep around 7. I'm looking forward to getting this cycle started!

Positive Changes

I've been unemployed now for a little over 2 months. I was sure that I would work out every day and have so much free time. Neither is true. First, I started focusing my time on my photography business, then I decided to take on a kitchen renovation. Brilliant right, because what else could I possible have on my plate?

Speaking of plates, I also joined Weight Watchers this week. It's so hard with the IVF because extreme diets are really discouraged. I can't exercise or feel too fatigued to exercise during the cycle itself. The hormone injections cause you to gain weight and some of them increase your appetite. So basically, it's been really difficult to lose any weight. So I joined WW to try to make a dent in the right direction. There are lots of studies that say losing just a small amount of weight can make a difference in fertility.

I am down about 7 lbs from my highest weight a few months ago, but I want to lose at least 10 more as quickly as possible. That means, yogurt and fruit for bfast and salad for lunch for me. I had a whole bowl of cardboard (fat-free) popcorn last night. Hopefully it will all be worth it. It will be even harder handling the extra weight of a pregnancy on top of this so it would be good to lose what I can now.

Cross your fingers for me!

CoCulture Smulture

D and I are back from a fantastic week of wine and friends in the Finger Lakes. We had such a great time. The view (and the wine) were totally relaxing. Yesterday was my second day home and also my scheduled co-culture biopsy. I've been pretty nervous about it ever since I read that a 1-2" area would be taken. I remember the tiny sample that was taken during my hysteroscopy and that was not fun.

I'm not sure if it was the new doctor or the percocet, valium and ibuprofen in my system, but it truly wasn't bad at all. I'm so so glad that I opted for this rather than the D&C idea. I KNEW that would be painful. Not to mention, I've read lots of research papers about the increase in embryo quality from co-culturing....some of which were written by my doctor.

So....sigh.....easy peasy lemon squeezy....for once!

Insert witty headline here.

You know that Star Trek TNG episode where they are stuck in the time loop and re-live the same day over and over again? Then, when they start to realize what's happening they can sense all the things they've never done before? That's where I am right now. It's all very familiar, yet different.

I went in for a morning blood test today (familiar) of 12 tubes (not familiar). The last time I had to give that much blood was during my original fertility testing. Half way through I started to get light-headed and the nurse actually used smelling salts on me. (I didn't know that stuff was even real.) So, this time I warned her and we went to a procedure room to lay down. No problem! (and I got some grape juice...sweet!)

So, I talked to the other nurse during my ultrasound (familiar) and found out the scoop on all the blood. Apparently they take nutrients from it and use it during the coculture to "feed the embryos" along with my endometrial lining (not familiar). Sounds gross but I'm very psyched about it! Not only have I read a lot on the internet about this procedure being very good for poor quality embryos and women my age, but one of them was written by my doctor. And, there's only a few states where they do co-culturing...I'm not sure why.

So I'm doing all the same types of things I did before, just for different reasons. I have the IVF process so down pat that it's strange to have to remind myself what to do next this time around.

Oh, off topic..... so then, after the u/s, the nurse almost made me cry. I was telling her that this was my last shot at IVF and she said that maybe it will be my last shot because I'll never, ever have to do it again because I'll be pregnant. Then she said something about having twins and that I deserved a 2 for 1 at this point. Chica, don't you know not to go there? We try not to let our minds go down that road too much, it's too hard to get back on the path of reality if we do.

I'm kind of amazed though and how close it all is to the surface, that one little comment like that can make me tear up. Unless I'm in the middle of a major hormonal drop, most of the time I seem to be going on day to day just living my life, working on my photography business, planning vacations, spending time with friends.....but then I eat a bag of chips and dip for no reason or I drink an entire bottle of wine with not much help from my husband. It's right there just below the surface...all the time. All the time. (very familiar)

There's no sex in IVF

The #3 in the top 3 things not to say to someone doing IVF. Let's review: 1) Just relax and take a vacation 2) Try not to think about it and yes, you guessed it.... 3) At least you get to have fun trying.

Yeah, well, there is no fun "trying" in IVF. Most of the time, you have so many extreme symptoms and discomfort that bodily contact is strictly out of the question (if you know what's good for you!). The rest of the time, you have to use condoms and try NOT to get pregnant or take antibiotics to kill any bacteria or germs. I always knew boys had cooties but this is a bit over the top. And, since the IVF suppression cycle requires you to take birth control pills (BCPs) for a few weeks, this causes you to start spotting on and off the entire time.

So there's a small time frame when you're finished your last cycle (after a week of cramps from hell) and not fully into the next where you can be normal for a just a second. It's that point where your ovaries are no longer the size of tennis balls and your boobs feel normal again. You maybe, just maybe would consider letting someone touch them.

So I'm in "the window" RIGHT NOW, and then the nurse tells me to go to the store and buy Monistat vaginal yeast infection cream and use it for 3 days. really????????????????? ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! seriously???????????? I think it has something to do with the coculture but damn, can't they just give me a pill?

The fertility gods laugh and laugh.........bastards!

So, there is definitely no sex in the champagne room for us right now. sigh

the fun continues

All lowercase......nuf said

I'm in NC this week. My brother and his family rented a house here and he asked me too. It's so nice to get away, but it's also hard to get away with the limbo of IVF. I've been on the phone with my drs office countless times trying to coordinate what we should do for our next cycle. One person tells me it's not a problem, the next says "well you're not in town so I'm not sure this is going to work out". Frick people! I need to have a life! I can't just sit at home and wait to NOT be pregnant!

So, here I am. I spoke with the dr on Tuesday. There was a suggestion a few months ago about a new "idea" that doing a D&C could "reboot" your system and make your IVF more successful. Well, I've not been able to find anything out there (aka on the internet) indicating this is true. I've actually found lots of notes saying that the opposite might be true and the risks involved in doing a D&C. Honestly though, it's more of an emotional decision to do that procedure for me. It's not something I ever wanted to do once, but had to....much less CHOOSE to do!

After talking it over with my doctor, he didn't have any concrete evidence that this would help me....so we nixed the idea. I suggested another course of action (yeah I know, shouldn't the doctor be doing that?) and he was all for it. I suggested a doing a fresh cycle, letting all the embryos get to blastocyst stage (120 cells) and doing a co-culture biopsy. OK, in non-ivfer terms here is what that means. Instead of waiting 3 days and seeing if the embryos get to 6 or 8 cells, you wait 5-6 days and see how many make it to blastocysts. Blastocysts are much more likely to implant...but at my age, it's a risk. The other risk is that embryos do much better in the womb than they do in a petri dish. That's where the co-cultured biopsy comes in. In the cycle before my ivf cycle (which is what I'm working on now) they will do a biopsy and take some of my lining. They will freeze this, then put it in with my embryos next cycle to help them grow.

Studies have shown this to be very helpful, but it is still considered experimental. Still, it's much less experimental than a pointless D&C.

So, that's the plan. We're taking a chance that none will make it to blastocyst...but both D and I feel like we need to change it up. What we've been doing feels too much like a shot in the dark and we need to increase the odds. Cross your fingers! Away we go....again!

No diversions

Once again that whole "just don't think about it" phrase makes me crack the fuck up! Yeah I said it! My mom entered a local cooking contest that had to do with the movie release of Julie&Julia. Each contestant had to recreate one of Julia Child's recipes and today there was a big cookoff for prizes. My mom wasn't a finalist, but we went to the cookoff and we got to see the movie too.

So you would think it's just a cooking movie right? What could it possibly have to remind me of our fertility issues? Well, apparently Julia Child didn't meet her husband until she was almost 40, so she could never have children. She learned to cook because she loved to eat and didn't have anything better to do. Of course, it turned out wonderfully for her, but in the movie she'd walk by a baby stroller and look sad....or find out her sister was pregnant and break down crying. It was a good movie, but once again an impossible diversion.

I wonder if that will be me. Will I be someone who moves on from wanting a family and focuses on other things in my life? Would I really be happy or would I be secretly yearning? I'm so invested emotionally and financially in this scenario right now that the thought of it not coming to fruition scares me. I don't always want to be someone secretly sad because I couldn't start a family. If it happens to turn out that way, I hope I am lucky enough to find a passion like Julia did for cooking.

Onward!

The pregnancy test was negative as expected. A little part of me was still hoping, but I got most of my "sad" out on Saturday so I'm ok. I bought some REALLY good wine that I will be consoling myself with tonight.

One thing I like about my RE's office is that they don't have the doctors call with the positives and the nurses call with the negatives. It's been 50/50 so far. This time, I did get to speak to the doctor directly so that was good.

He still thinks we have an excellent shot at our own baby. And, that there are no other factors involved except for my age. After talking it over with D, we decided to do one more fresh cycle. If that doesn't work, we'll do more FET's to use up all our frozen embryos. The good thing about frozen embryos is that they are in limbo at the age they were when they were fertilized. I could put them in tomorrow or in 5years and the result would be the same. With a fresh cycle, success rates drop drastically the more past 40 you are. I have a very finite amount of time I can attempt a fresh cycle....so if I'm going to do it, now is the time.

The other thing we considered is that we already have all the meds for a fresh cycle. It was very nice having 8 weeks notice that I was going to be out of a job, so I took full advantage and ordered as many fertility meds as possible. I thought I'd also have enough for another frozen round, but due to my cyst, I used Lupron for 5 weeks instead of 2.

The big $$ prescription is the one for the fresh cycle. One Gonal-F pen costs between $700-$900. I need 7 for each IVF cycle. You do the math!

So, here we go again.....I don't really like the rollercoaster ride, but I'm not ready to get off.

Well.....

....it's a good thing I found a deal on pregnancy tests on ebay, b/c I've taken one every morning for the past 4 days. Today is 15dpo or 12dp3dt. This means that if I were not on progesterone, I would have had my period yesterday at 14 days past ovulation. I haven't been able to figure out why my RE's office tests on day 17, except for a few notes on the internet about late implanation during FET, I'm assuming it's just to torture people. Realistically though, if the home pregnancy test isn't positive today it's not going to be positive.

So, we're back to where we started. No April baby for me. I had a bit of a meltdown about it all on Saturday. I just spent 3 months of my life on this one cycle. I took lupron for FIVE weeks! And it's all for nothing. It's a hard thing to take. I didn't even have the stress from work this time. I'm wondering how far to keep going with this. Are the chances really 20% as they say or much, much lower?

I just don't know if this is going to happen for us.

UPDATE: I called the RE's office just for my piece of mind. I asked why the BETA was scheduled for 14 days past the transfer. They said it was just easier to figure on the calendar they gave me. uuugh...seriously? But, they did say I could come in tomorrow instead and end the torture once and for all. They also said it's possible to have a low BETA that wouldn't show on a HPT....but I know the chances of this are slim. sigh. I'm thankful my support group is meeting tonight. I'm hoping it will help.

Morphing!

So, the twinges come and go and now today I'm totally fatigued and nauseous. Yeah, yeah, I know the whole "progesterone causes pregnancy symptoms" story, but exactly how does it morph from one pregnancy symptom to the next. I'm going with the "evil fairy from Scrooged" theory at this point.

I've had a few panicked moments in the past few days thinking of what we are going to do if this time doesn't work. Probably, we'll use the last of our remaining embryos in FET cycles but I'm not sure what else we'll be able to afford beyond that. I'm not feeling very confident that doing another fresh cycle would make any difference in outcome. My RE's office can't give a reason it is or is not going to work. They just keep saying, "you have great potential to succeed. We wouldn't recommend anything else for you at this time". It's like they shake the Magic 8 ball right before you go in for your consultation. With being out of work now and a dwindling savings account, there are only so many chances we can take.

To sum it up, if something good doesn't happen soon....we are screwwwwwwwwwed!

Freakin' Out!

This is definitely the "freakin' out" phase! I'm now at what would be considered Day 11. That's 11 days past ovulation even though the embryos were thawed and put back in on Day 3. If it's happened, it's happened. The embryo(s) would have hatched by now and implanted. They have started releasing HCG, which is what pregnancy tests detect, but the levels are still probably too low to be read on a home pregnancy test.

For some reason, my RE's (reproductive endocrinologist) office has schedule my BETA (blood pregnancy test) for 17 days past ovulation. I'm starting to think they are trying to drive me over the edge. Paranoid? Me???? Highly possible!

This is also the "IT'S IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT" phase! I have daily injections with a giant needle, I can't drink alcohol, can't take baths (and I LOVE baths), not to mention the intermittent soreness and twinges in my lower abdomen.

I was joking around with D last night about the madness of it all and let out a Young Frankenstein-type yell. An "I'm going MAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!" type of yell. It was a lot louder and longer than I originally intended....it took on a life of it's own.

Let's just hope other things are taking on a life of their own as we speak. I'm not naming any names.....but you know who you are!

OK OK!

Yes progesterone, I acknowledge your power to f' with my head in these two weeks. Soreness on the right, then soreness on the left...yeah yeah I get it! Why you gotta be like that? You're like the patron unsaint of infertile women. You're like the mean fairy in Scrooged. And I just need to say...nobody likes you. booooo

Oh, apparently even though I ate the house....I lost 4 lbs. Crazy! I'm thinking that Lupron was also doing it's evil work on me. I'm so glad to be off the stuff!!!!!

Uh oh! I ate the house!

I'm in here writing this while my wonderful husband is outside weedwacking. I should feel guilty for not helping right? I'm working on that part. I did do some dusting and straightening so I'm not a total 2WW slacker.

I don't know if it's just nerves or the residual side effects of the prednisone I had to take for 5 days, but I can't stop eating. It's like I'm jonesing for food but I know I'm not hungry. I was trying so hard to control my weight before the transfer, now I feel like I'm going to gain 10 lbs just in these 2 weeks. I hope it subsides soon or I will BE the size of the house in addition to EATING everything in the house!

It's official! The crazy two week wait (2WW) symptoms have started. I've had this soreness in my lower right side for a couple of days. When I had my transfer, I was sore on my left side from the procedure itself, so I know it's not that. This is just a random "hey, don't think you can forget about this for one second" kind of pain. I've had some trouble sleeping because of it, but I'm trying not to take any tylenol if I don't have to. OK, two week wait, I know how you are. Bring on the twinges and the pulling and whatever you got....I'm ready!

I cracked!

I couldn't stay still a minute longer!!! On Friday, my niece and I took a road trip to New Hope PA for the day. We had lunch on a garden patio, ate chocolate covered strawberries and looked in the shops. For those who don't know me, I'm a photographer.....and I just heard about this photo contest. So, I enlisted my niece as my model and we came up with some amazing ideas. Then, we went and bought some outfits (what's a photo shoot without outfits right?) and props at the dollar store and proceeded to do our photo shoot. OK, so I probably exerted myself a little more than I should have, but I had a great time! The REALLY cool thing is M, my niece. She said that "it was the most fun she's had all summer". How awesome is she? And, if I'm lucky, maybe I'll find out I'm pregnant AND win $1000 bucks!

I've had some major creative urges this week. I'm setting up a new photography website, entering contests and planning some future photo shoots. Something has just turned on inside me. Maybe I've finally kicked my old job out of my system and it's opened up those creative pathways again. Stress can be a block to so many things....and that job was blocking a lot of happiness in my life for a long time. It took a whole month of doing nothing to shake it!

On another front, I really do need to do some cleaning today.....I can see dust on everything....and we are almost out of clothes. I'm going to be sure not to do too much though. I made D carry the laundry basket to the back room for me since I'm not supposed to lift over 20 lbs. It all seems a bit wacky since there are tons of women who lift toddlers or work for UPS when they don't know they are pregnant, but with all I've been through, I'm not taking any chances.

Lounging is hard!

Putting your feet up is hard work! I've been doing it for about 5 hours now and I'm bored to death. It's especially difficult when you aren't sick and/or tired. It's such a nice day outside too!

The transfer itself went well this morning. It was a little uncomfortable but not too bad. Valium is my friend. They had a shiny new piece of equipment too. It was a flat screen tv that showed a close up pic of our embryos getting sucked into the catheter before they put them in. very cool! Our embryos thawed out well and we only lost 1 to get to our total of 5. This leaves us with 8 embryos still on ice for future use.

So now we wait....and wait...and wait. Cross your fingers and your toes, sacrifice lambs, pray to your gods....whatever may help is appreciated!!!

Yaaaaawn!

Is it wrong to take a nap 3 hours after you wake up in the morning? Either I'm not
sleeping well or these damn fertility drugs are zapping the life right out of me. I ain't got that thing, and I ain't got that zing.

Last night was the last lupron shot. Yay!!! Now we move on to Progesterone-in-oil, featuring such side effects as: fatigue, nausea, dizziness, worsening of asthma symptoms....uh oh....this may not be an improvement. PIO is also "interesting" in that it makes you have the same symptoms as pregnancy. And by "interesting" I mean "torturous" and "evil". Nothing like waiting for the pregnancy test for two weeks while experiencing every normal pregnancy symptom to make a girl go mad.

Yet, it all brings us closer to the possibility of a positive outcome. Someday, I'd love to move on to whining about actual pregnancy symptoms!!!!!

Yay!

I'm not sure why I am excited but I am. Today was my last ultrasound before my transfer next week. For those caring about the technical stuff, my lining was 10.5mm. I'm pretty sure this is way good! Sounds like a good place that embryos might want to grow, right?

Maybe I'm excited just at the fact that I get to stop the Lupron on Sunday. At this point I don't even care that it means that I'll have to do shots in my ass every single night from now on. The crazy just needs to stop.

I was a little bummed to find out that the doctor I requested to do my transfer has left the practice. Apparently she had only been there for two years and her contract was up. I liked her though, she explained things very well..even drew diagrams about chromosomes and 40 year old ropes....it was a whole thing. So, it looks like it's Lucky Larry (who wasn't so lucky for us last time) again next Wednesday. Let's hope his (and our) luck has improved.

Saturday is a big birthday bash for K's b/f, so I guess I will use it to say farewell to the tasty beverages for a while. I will drink the wine like it's the last I will have for a long time.....and then maybe it will be!

Imagine three months of going up the beginning of a rollercoaster....and you're almost at the top. That's me....with my arms in the air!

Choices

In April after our last IVF was negative, we had a follow-up meeting with our doctor. I was a bit of a blubbering mess not only from the plummeting hormones, but because of the fact that I never thought we'd have to do IVF in the first place, much less have 2 failed cycles. I was looking for some kind of reason from the doctor, but there was nothing he could say to make me feel better.

During our follow-up consultation, we discussed our options for this frozen embryo transfer (FET) cycle. At first, Dr. B suggested we just thaw out all ten of our 3 day embryos and pick the best. I think he saw our jaws dropped to the floor because he quickly suggested we do a "serial" thaw instead. In a serial thaw, the embryos are thawed one at a time until they have the number of viable embryos that you want to transfer. He also recommended that we transfer 5 embryos this time.

As our transfer date approaches, I'm starting to wonder if this is our best choice. It's not because of the number of embryos as you would think. We weren't successful with 4 last time, so I'm ok with 5. I do have the occassional glimpse in my mind of an ultrasound screen with 5 heartbeats...but that would be very, very unlikely.
My hesitation is about the fact that we have 2 frozen embryos that made it to blastocyst stage. The clinic does not freeze 4 celled embryos, so they let them continue to culture and see if they make it to blastocysts. On our first cycle, two of them actually made it. Blastocysts are 120 cells and are much more likely to implant.

So here's the thing, we only have 2 and only 70% of embryos survive the thaw process. So do we take that risk and use the 2 blasts? The whole round and months of shots could be for nothing if the blasts don't make it through the thaw. Do we wait until the next round and try it then? Is there a way to do a few at the 3 day transfer, then come back and do more at 5 days? These are the types of questions I roll over and over in my mind all day. How do we know what's the right thing? Do we just follow our doctor's recommendation blindly? Ugggh, it's so hard for someone like me that likes to have all the answers....but I don't.

The Sane Times

This cycle really doesn't have a whole lot going on. It's a lot of the same....BCP's for weeks, Lupron for weeks, add Estradiol for weeks, then PIO for weeks. It's the side effects that have made it(me) feel out of this world. So, when I was at the grocery store the other day, I picked up some sunflowers for my husband. I figured I should use my sane time to be extra nice so he can remember them through the craziness. Of course, it's not like it's my fault...as the IVF nurses are always saying. At the same time, a couple of months is a long, long time to live on the edge of reason....or to live WITH someone on the edge of reason.

One major IVF factor that's been on my mind is my weight. I have gained about 13 lbs since the miscarriage in May 2008....and that's on top of the post-honeymoon weight gain. I have these small windows of 2 weeks at a time where I can try to lose weight...and it never seems to be enough to make a real difference. Maybe it's the Lupron or the estrogen, but I get ravenously hungry sometimes and can never seem to make a dent. I know that even a small weight loss could make a big difference, so why can't I do it? It's so frustrating.

Estradiol starts....

While I wanted some change, I was hoping for less needles than more. In truth, I knew the next step was more, many more, larger needles in addition to the Lupron. When we had our checkup & ultrasound on Monday, the nurse told us that Estrogen is the "feel good" hormone. It makes women feel wonderful apparently. I only have to do the estrogen shots twice a week, Monday and Thursday. So far, I'm not feeling much better. I still feel the Lupron effects and I wouldn't really describe myself as feeling great right now. I did sleep a little better last night, but I'm not sure if that was just pure exhaustion or the estrogen. I'm still holding out hope for some good vibrations to come my way.

One thing I haven't missed since the last cycle are these intramuscular shots. Even with the lidocaine (EMLA cream), I can still feel them. This stuff is even thicker than the progesterone in oil so it takes a while to go in. I can barely get it into the syringe after warming it for a 1/2 hour. And, I'm trying not to think about the fact that I will start the PIO shots DAILY as of 7/18. Uh oh...too late!

The most difficult part of a cycle is the uncertainty. If I knew I would definitely get pregnant, I doubt any of this would matter. But, the fact that all of this could be completely pointless is the most challenging aspect of all.

Today I had a great day out with a friend. On one of our stops I indulged and bought an adorable) maternity top. I also looked at "faux" wedding rings (in case I get pregnant and can't fit into my ring). This could either be viewed as "a positive outlook" or make me feel like a total sucker if this cycle is a bust. It's a tough balance of fertility sanity. In general, I tend to err on the dark side, but when it comes to getting pregnant, the optimism sometimes wins out.

Don't tell, but I have a credenza in my living room that has three compartments and one of those is totally filled with baby items. I have a portion of my stand-up wardrobe that is all maternity clothes. And, at the beginning of every cycle I calculate my possible due date of my possible baby. So, although the realistic side tries hard to protect me, the "I would be over the moon" excited side sometimes wins out. Yeah, that's right, I'm a sucker, now you know.

Day 24

In the heat of the day, none of us is sure what is real. Was that a fish that just jumped out of the water or the peak of a wave? Without fresh water and food for days now, it's hard to be clear about anything. The crew is looking weak and there has been talk of canniba.......

Oh right, I'm not adrift....just totally whacked out on endless Lupron. Silly me. It's 2:18am and I'm tired, REALLY tired....but I can't sleep. I was in an air-conditioned room, yet burning hot. So I embrace Lupron's lot and write this instead.

I did have a short, interesting dream. In real life, I'm going to Atlantic City tomorrow with my mom and I was looking for restaurants before I went to bed. In the dream, D and I are sitting in an A.C. restaurant and a couple of tables over is Robert Pattison. I, of course, try to take his picture with Dan's Iphone so I can post it on my facebook. (tacky I know) Robert P. sees this and comes over to say hi. We have a nice chat and then he offers to take a pic with both of us. How nice is that guy? Now I don't have any type of celebrity crush on this guy or anything so I'm not sure why he is in my dream. Maybe he's a secret celebrity fertility god and it's a sign....or maybe I'm semi-psychic and we'll actually run into him on our trip. You never know!

Uh oh, is this what happens with lack of REM sleep? helps

Going....and going....and going

I feel like I've been stabbing myself with needles for forever now. It's been a REALLY long cycle.....albeit less invasive than a fresh cycle. I started Lupron shots on 6/12, so it's been 18 days of shots now...and I have at least a week to go...probably 2. Then after that the big shots in the butt start too. YIKES!

I was saying to D the other day how it's impossible not to feel let down when a cycle doesn't work out. It's not like a regular monthly cycle that's a month long and that you don't usually know it's happening until it's over. It's 2 whole months of total focus on the cycle then a big letdown. Of course, we're hoping (yet afraid to hope) that the letdown part doesn't happen this time!

I probably should stop watching those baby shows (but I know I won't). Last night, I saw one where the woman had IVF and it was unsuccessful. So, the next one they put in 3 embryos instead of 2 and all of them took....and she was about to deliver triplets. On our first IVF we put in 3, our second IVF we put in 4 and this one we'll be doing 5. We're doing 5 this time since these embryos are possibly lesser quality than the top ones we picked for the fresh cycle. It's a scary proposition....but I'm just hoping that one will stick....and be a healthy, normal embryo.

We won't know about the healthy part until about 10 weeks when we can have the CVS testing done. Between the chance of miscarriage and the chance of an abnormality, we really won't be able to be excited about a pregnancy until after the first trimester.

Phase 1 - getting knocked up
Phase 2 - staying knocked up
Phase 3 - testing

I'm so over phase 1! I'm totally ready to worry about Phase 2 now!

Be careful what you wish for!

So this morning I had to in for bloodwork and a baseline ultrasound. Unfortunately, I didn't get my period yet. I was supposed to get it mid-week. They said it's probably due to the cyst I have in my left ovary. It releases estrogen and throws the whole system out of kilter. Cysts can be a side effect of all the extra hormones that stimulate multiple egg development. It's been shrinking and the lupron has been helping that....so they bumped my tentative cycle by a whole week. Now I'm doing one more week of lupron injections. wheeeee fun (she said sarcastically)

I had my last day at work today. It was uneventful and I was glad. Then I went to get my hair done. Don't you know it? I'm sitting there and suddenly I have the worst cramps ever! Now I'll be doing lupron for an extra week AND have nasty cramps. Good luck D! You'll need it! hugs!

Hinky!

Something strange has happened a few times now and I can't figure it out. We've shared with someone about our fertility issues and they just clam up. They don't ask how we're doing or mention it again. Some actually seem to physically stiffen and seem very uncomfortable whenever anything related to our fertility treatments is mentioned. The REALLY weird part is that we then find out that they have talked to OTHER people about what we are going through. The point of telling people is to have a support system not to get pity from a ton of people you never wanted to know in the first place. It makes me wonder if I'm that bad at keeping a secret too? I think from now on I'm going to try to be really aware of keeping confidences.

I try not to get too upset about it because aside from the occasional comment that well, was oh so wrong, I realize that everyone just cares about us....even if it is in their own freaky weird way.

And...it turns out there is a side benefit of the broken confidences. We've found out that others we know are going through the same struggle we are....and we had no idea.

The good news is that overall our friends and family have been extremely supportive. They don't ask us all the time, but they check in to see how we're doing....or check this blog. They know there's times that we want to forget it and there's time when we need to vent...and they are there to listen....or distract....and we are very lucky to have that.

Learning to Deal

I know that people are well-meaning and that some people just don't know what to say when you tell them you have fertility issues. Many people just don't understand that if you had any other choice than IVF, that's what you'd be doing. If the chances were any more than slim, there's no way we'd be doing this.

I went to lunch with an ex co-worker a few weeks ago and she said..... "try not to think about it and just relax this summer". It made me chuckle a little on the inside, but I just said thanks. Later that week D and I went to the movies to see UP! and don't you know, the character's wife has a miscarriage. IT'S A CARTOON FOR GOD'S SAKE! Wouldn't you think this would be a safe haven? If it's not a movie, it's the celebrity baby boom, or family members having babies, getting pregnant etc. It's EVERYWHERE!

Now we are in the midst of our first FET (frozen embryo transfer). It's a lot less invasive that a fresh IVF cycle, but I still have a regimen of meds to follow. To be honest, I'm not sure how anyone who is not known as "the planner" and is not Type A could ever do IVF. The schedule of meds is crazy complicated. It makes me laugh again each morning when I have to take the prenatal vitamin and low dose aspirin and every night when I inject myself with Lupron, that I'm supposed to not be thinking about this and "just relaxing".

On top of it all, our lives are totally in limbo. We can't even plan a vacation because we have to be available for doctor's appts. Now that I'm almost out of work, it would be great if I could plan a few days away. However, since I can't give myself an 1 1/2" needle in my butt each night, I need to stay in the proximity of my dear hubby for a while. So, the "relax and take a vacation" advice is also nixed unless he can take off work.

I know the statistics and at this point, I know way more than I ever wanted to about IVF and infertility. Although I tried acupunture and will still be doing yoga whenever I can, I realize that this is just a difficult storm I'm going to have to ride through. There's no easy anecdote, daily mantra or any way to not face what's in front of us. One thing I am learning to get used to about my life right now....is that it's totally out of my control. I'm not liking it, but I'm learning to deal...and that's all I can do.

Crazy is as crazy stabs!

So I made it through a week of training in DC. It was stressful and exhausting, but it went fast because I was busy. I was hoping to lose some weight while I was gone, but that didn't happen. There was lots of walking in the city, but I wasn't able to make it to the gym at the hotel. The stress was a bit exhausting for me. Luckily I only gained 1 lb.

Now I'm back at home and I'm on day 3 of Lupron shots. Administratively, these are a piece of cake. It's only a 1/2" needle in my belly. But...after 2 whole months of not being on fertility meds....I can really feel a difference. I was very depressed this weekend and even cried today. This could be a bumpy ride! Time to break out the comedy dvds!!!! I stil have weeks to go!!!

Breathe!

About a month ago, I found out I was getting laid off from my job. However, they wanted me to stay on for 8 weeks to transition the job down to the DC office. Well, my coworkers are gone now, but they definitely had it easy and got to leave quickly. Now keep in mind that I do not like my job, I haven't liked my job for several years. We've all just been holding on for the amazing severance package. But...I had no idea how hard it was to watch your job disintegrate before your eyes. The people taking it over don't have any sense of personal responsibility and honestly have no idea what they are getting into. It's hard to see all this happen knowing that it will never be done at the level that you did it ever again. You would think that it would make me feel good, but it doesn't. It's hard to let go when I've spent 12 years scheduling my vacations around deadlines. I'd rather be gone and not have to see it. I have 3 weeks left and I'm trying hard to find my zen place to get through it.

Of course, with fertility treatments, de-stressing is critical....and it definitely not my strong suit. We've just started the "suppression month" of our first frozen cycle. Luckily, the real stuff won't be happening in the cycle until I'm long gone from the job. One thing I will not miss is the feeling I've been punched in the stomach that I have when I leave work each day. It's not supposed to be that way right???? I'm hoping to get back to me....and not the really stressed out version of me that I've become. ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

The good, the bad and the infertile

Come on! It's a good title!

I've been steering clear of our support group for a while. It's once a month and the first one fell just a few days after I found out my last IVF failed. I guess some people would say it would be good to go when you need it most, but I just wanted to deal with it myself and not be a blubbering mess in front of all of those people. Our next support group happened when we were on vacation, so last night was the most recent one.

On the positive side, it's really good to go and talk to people who are going through this. Everyone there realizes exactly what we are all up against. Some of their families are understanding, some families break their confidences, some don't feel like they can even share this with them. I'm lucky enough to have some very supportive friends and family, despite the occasional really ridiculous comment. It's a little easier to take when that happens knowing it's happened to every single person in my support group. In the end, it's the support that matters. The group helps me realize that I don't think I'd be able to get through this without my family and friends.

On the negative side, it's a room filled with people in a lot of pain. They don't know how their journey is going to end and neither do we. There's a finite amount of cash and just so long you can keep your life on hold. We all feel the pressure. Some couples can't even afford to do one round of IVF and some have had multiple losses. Sometimes I can't believe how much these people have been through...and sometimes I'm like...wait, I've been through all of that too....wow. I left last night feeling a bit upset. I feel for all of them and what they are going through....and I feel for our situation too. I wish I could make it better for all of us. I don't know how they get through it....I don't know how we get through it.

I see our life a year or so down the road....and all I can see if D and I with a baby (or two)....there's a lot of dark hair and very squinty eyes when he/she smiles. I've tried to think of what our life would be without us as a family, but I still can't. So I keep going...and going....and so do they.

Chillin'

Now that I'm starting to feel a little like a human being again and not a blog of hormonal mess, I'm trying to remember what my life was like before we started all of this. I'm trying to think of what I like to do to have fun, besides drink wine that is...that's a given. I'm not really sure at this point...fun seems so far away. One thing we have to look forward to is our trip to St. Thomas in about 2 weeks. We both REALLY need to get away and just have some fun and sun. It's hard to plan too far in the future b/c we never know the schedule of fertility treatments, so I'm just trying to think of the little things I like to do.

We're taking a some time off from all the craziness, but not too much. So, unless we mention it, please don't ask us about it. Sometimes I'm ok talking about it, and then you'll know b/c I'll start blabbing about it, and other times I'm just trying to forget for a while. It's the wonder of me...and the wonder of this crazy frickin' time in our lives.

Tellin' it like it is!

I would describe myself as a very realistic person. Most of my life hasn't been easy and I usually get to where I want to be, usually by going the hard way. So when something difficult arises, I don't put blinders and pretend it's not there. I have a mini-meltdown, then I find out everything I can about it and how to beat it.

I think most people going through fertility treatments like we are have had statistics and as well as actual life disappointments put in front of them so they HAVE to face it. The situation is...that yes, there are people who are able to get pregnant naturally at my age. The reality is, they are few and far between..the chances are less than 1% per month...AND if they do get pregnant there is a 1/3 chance of miscarriage. That's not even taking into account the increased risk of chromosome abnormalities. So yes, I did get pregnant once naturally and then, I did had all the other things happen too. By doing IVF, we are giving ourselves the best possible chance to have a child. We are taking the very best embryos and putting more than one back so that we can up the odds from 1% to 30%. We don't have 30 months to try at this and hope for the best....we might not even have 12 months to keep trying.

When you're in the middle of an IVF cycle, it's hard to keep it in perspective. Even the nurses get excited and say "what a good response you're having". I tell them that a good response is a positive test. Still, you think, 20 eggs, 18 fertilized, putting back 4 of the best.. I have have a picture of them right here...IT HAS TO WORK!!!! But...in the end, it's still a 30% chance.....and it's a huge letdown when it doesn't.

I do have hope and I try hard to be positive, but also try hard not to set myself up for a fall....and that's not easy. IVF is one big hormonal rollercoaster. I'm so thankful for my wonderful friends and family around who try to understand what we are up against....who are there to cheer us up and get our minds off it....who are there to listen when things are tough.....who leave me messages that say "I'm thinking of you, call me if you need me". It all means so much that you are there for us! Thanks!!!!