SO.....here's the follow-up post that was written about 4 days before my beta day.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These new fangled pregnancy tests always say how ultra-sensitive they are. "Find out Results Six Days in Advance" blah blah blah. Well, I've taken a least a hundred of them and when the result is positive, it NEVER EVER shows until about 2-3 days before...even then it's a faint line. Does that stop me from testing? HELL NO!
So this morning, at 5:22am I 1)really had to go to the bathroom and 2)wanted to do a pregnancy test. It's so early I know. It's 4 whole days before my Beta blood test, but I'm neurotic...so whatever. By now, I have a routine. Pee in the dixie cup. Hold the test in it for five seconds. Hold the test vertical until the test is saturated. Go and get the flashlight. Head back to bed.
I'm laying in bed, since I'm still 1/2 asleep, but still have my glasses on. I open my eyes a little and get scared b/c my husband's face is right in front of me in the dark. It was kind of creepy.....it was a little alien abduction like and my heart jumped. He was looking to see why I was wearing my glasses in bed (he was super close because he WASN'T wearing his glasses). Whatever dude. OK, now the test says read results after 3 minutes and not effective to read after 10. Yeah, this is not true. The First Response test I use never shows results until after 10 minutes. But my motto is "pink is pink"! If there's no HCG, you're not going to get any second line at all. If you see pink, something is cooking down there! I looked at it (with the flashlight, get it now?) and didn't see anything so I laid back down. 5 minutes later, my hubby suddenly pops up and starts asking about the test. I told him there was nothing, but ok, I'll look again. Hold on now. Faint pink...very faint pink...but pink is pink. He yells out "I KNEW IT!".
Admittedly, it's crazy early. What's important now is that the line gets pinker and pinker each day. Still, it's an amazing sign to get a positive this early. If you say the word that starts with TW and ends in INS, I'll hurt you!
I called my mom later that morning. I told her the story of the flashlight and wearing my glasses in bed and had her laughing. When I told her about the pink line her voice went up and she said "Oh really?". It gets like that when she gets all choked up. She's been through this whole process with me and knows every bit of the journey. I imagine it's hard for a parent to watch their child go through so much pain...both emotional and physical. At the end of the conversation, she was kind of quiet and then she said "My heart is excited!". Wow! It's not often (if ever) that children think their parents say the right thing. That was not only the right thing, that was the PERFECT thing. That's exactly how I feel....and I can't get that sentence out of my mind.
She has 6 grandchildren already that she loves so much, I knew the comment wasn't about having another grandchild. It was about me being able to have what I've been dreaming of for so, so long. I appreciate her being there for me....and I appreciate her wanting that for me. OK, I have to stop crying now.
Today is a very, very good day.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
I thought I'd seen and been through it all!
Before I get started, I'd like to thank all my family and friends who have written me or told me that they've been keeping up with my blog. Thanks so much for all of your support and for being there for me all along this journey. Please don't ask me in person if I'm pregnant. If it happens, we'll need to get passed some hurdles to feel like it's the real deal.
For all of you who don't know me and are following my journey because you are in a similar situation, I hope in some way it's of some comfort to you.
So......when you're on your eighth IVF, you sometimes think you've seen it all. Yeah, yeah, I take my meds....yeah, yeah I take my shots.....poking, prodding, prodding, poking. I find it amazing that I had never been to a male OB/GYN before this whole process (cough cough debacle/nightmare) and now I not only have male doctors, but a whole cast of people in the room with me. That doesn't even count the other "lab" people on the other side of the "takeout window".
IVF has also changed my perspective. There are moments when I feel it's all really out of control, which it is. And there are moments when I feel I've learned how to be OK with that. I think about myself three years ago. The person that got pregnant the very first month we tried. She was giddy and although she wasn't naive to the fact there were some risks because of age, thought she would overcome all of that. With all she had been through to find the right person and be in the place she was, there was no way the universe wouldn't do right by her. Turns out it was genetics and age not the universe who had a say. That person seems so far away from the person that I am now. When our last IVF failed miserably before the transfer even happened, I thought there was no way to recapture the excitement, the hope, or the joy usually associated with the pregnancy process.
Well, I'm hear to tell you that it can happen. Yes, it's true that I don't have any clue if I'm pregnant or not at this point. It's also true that I will once again be devastated if this cycle turns out negative. It's even possible that this could be the last chance for us for good. At the same time, I'm extremely excited, extremely hopeful and even happy.
I learned that a horrible situation can be easily put into the past when there's a good memory to put in it's place. I'm hoping that if this IVF cycle turns into a pregnancy, that all of this IVF journey will become a distant memory. How wonderful that would be at this point.
SO HERE'S THE UPDATE.....
To borrow from Ferris Bueller a bit. "This ones for Linda, who didn't think she'd see anything good again."
As you know, we've had an amazing response with these 10 embryos. The response was so great, that out of the 10, we had 2 blastocysts to transfer and 3 to freeze. This is such a total 180 from the last cycle we had. I mean, it's the BEST cycle we've ever had....it's unbelievable!!!!
The day of the transfer, we know the drill. I drink water....we should up at our transfer time. I get ready in the room (the takeout window room). The doctor hands us our cool embryo photo. It usually has a brownish tint to it. I think it makes it easier to see the embryos. BUT THIS TIME it's tinted PURPLE. OK, did I mention that I'm wearing a purple flannel shirt and my Dr. Seussish purple/aqua socks and that I LOVE purple? Um yeah. It's totally a sign right?
We're at my favorite part of the procedure. There's a monitor to my right. Suddenly it turns on and there's a close-up shot of our petri dish. We know it's "OUR" dish because it says our last name on the side. (Good to know those are your babies you're putting back!) Then, they zoom in on the 2 blasts. She only leaves it on for just a second. I gasped and pointed at the screen...then it was gone. OK! NOW THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING! I've never seen that before, but I knew exactly what it was. One of the blasts looked like a normal blast. The other, was smaller with a little halo effect around it and you can see that part of it was coming out one side. THIS BLAST WAS STARTING TO HATCH!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! If you think it's a good sign getting to blastocyst stage, seeing that just sent me over the moon! Hatching is the step right before the embryo implants.
It's amazing how the results of this cycle helped me put the tears of the last one aside. It's been a painful process and I know it may not turn out the way we want in the end. The one thing it has taught me is that there's always another day, another side to it all and another amazing thing that will surprise you.
Cross your fingers....say a prayer.....send us all your good juju!
For all of you who don't know me and are following my journey because you are in a similar situation, I hope in some way it's of some comfort to you.
So......when you're on your eighth IVF, you sometimes think you've seen it all. Yeah, yeah, I take my meds....yeah, yeah I take my shots.....poking, prodding, prodding, poking. I find it amazing that I had never been to a male OB/GYN before this whole process (cough cough debacle/nightmare) and now I not only have male doctors, but a whole cast of people in the room with me. That doesn't even count the other "lab" people on the other side of the "takeout window".
IVF has also changed my perspective. There are moments when I feel it's all really out of control, which it is. And there are moments when I feel I've learned how to be OK with that. I think about myself three years ago. The person that got pregnant the very first month we tried. She was giddy and although she wasn't naive to the fact there were some risks because of age, thought she would overcome all of that. With all she had been through to find the right person and be in the place she was, there was no way the universe wouldn't do right by her. Turns out it was genetics and age not the universe who had a say. That person seems so far away from the person that I am now. When our last IVF failed miserably before the transfer even happened, I thought there was no way to recapture the excitement, the hope, or the joy usually associated with the pregnancy process.
Well, I'm hear to tell you that it can happen. Yes, it's true that I don't have any clue if I'm pregnant or not at this point. It's also true that I will once again be devastated if this cycle turns out negative. It's even possible that this could be the last chance for us for good. At the same time, I'm extremely excited, extremely hopeful and even happy.
I learned that a horrible situation can be easily put into the past when there's a good memory to put in it's place. I'm hoping that if this IVF cycle turns into a pregnancy, that all of this IVF journey will become a distant memory. How wonderful that would be at this point.
SO HERE'S THE UPDATE.....
To borrow from Ferris Bueller a bit. "This ones for Linda, who didn't think she'd see anything good again."
As you know, we've had an amazing response with these 10 embryos. The response was so great, that out of the 10, we had 2 blastocysts to transfer and 3 to freeze. This is such a total 180 from the last cycle we had. I mean, it's the BEST cycle we've ever had....it's unbelievable!!!!
The day of the transfer, we know the drill. I drink water....we should up at our transfer time. I get ready in the room (the takeout window room). The doctor hands us our cool embryo photo. It usually has a brownish tint to it. I think it makes it easier to see the embryos. BUT THIS TIME it's tinted PURPLE. OK, did I mention that I'm wearing a purple flannel shirt and my Dr. Seussish purple/aqua socks and that I LOVE purple? Um yeah. It's totally a sign right?
We're at my favorite part of the procedure. There's a monitor to my right. Suddenly it turns on and there's a close-up shot of our petri dish. We know it's "OUR" dish because it says our last name on the side. (Good to know those are your babies you're putting back!) Then, they zoom in on the 2 blasts. She only leaves it on for just a second. I gasped and pointed at the screen...then it was gone. OK! NOW THIS IS GETTING INTERESTING! I've never seen that before, but I knew exactly what it was. One of the blasts looked like a normal blast. The other, was smaller with a little halo effect around it and you can see that part of it was coming out one side. THIS BLAST WAS STARTING TO HATCH!!!! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! If you think it's a good sign getting to blastocyst stage, seeing that just sent me over the moon! Hatching is the step right before the embryo implants.
It's amazing how the results of this cycle helped me put the tears of the last one aside. It's been a painful process and I know it may not turn out the way we want in the end. The one thing it has taught me is that there's always another day, another side to it all and another amazing thing that will surprise you.
Cross your fingers....say a prayer.....send us all your good juju!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Blobs of Confusion
THE UPDATE:
Our embryos are doing well. We have 6 front runners. They don't have any cell counts today as they are either compacting or have compacted into teeny tiny blobs called morulas.
THE ROLLERCOASTER:
When I was getting married, I couldn't get enough of bridal shows. The same is true for my pregnancy journey. I watch baby shows all the time. I used to watch the really graphic ones, just so I knew what the terminology meant and everything that could happen. I know that would normally scare most people. My philosophy is that I'd rather know in an emergency what the next steps were. I'd become so desensitized to watching births that I'd forget to turn the show off when we started eating dinner. oops.
Today, I had some show about multiples on in the background while I was editing photos. Usually I just half pay attention but this one was really touching. This couple was in the operating room about to have quadruplets by C-section. Tons of hospital staff are in the room to assist with the delivery. The mom-to-be is obviously nervous. Her husband keeps telling her it's ok and how they are both going to raise these babies together. You can see in her eyes that she's scared. Then, she hears the first baby cry. The husband starts to describe how she totally changed in that moment. How she suddenly went from just her to being a mom....in the blink of an eye. She no longer cared how she was feeling and could only focus on her babies. As I watched it, I could see the change in her face. It was pretty amazing.
I've been a bit teary today on and off. It's hard to describe the emotions I'm feeling. I'm excited, giddy, scared, worried, and happy all at one time. I guess you'd call that a bit overwhelmed. I feel that we could be on the brink of something that could change our life forever. I can't tell you how much I hope that this is THE ONE (or two). I'm not sure we'll continue trying to have a baby if it's not. Yet, I still have a hard time seeing my life without raising a family. We've been through so much, I try not to think about the last 3 years. It's amazing to believe that I even have hope at this point.
Honestly, I'm unbelievably excited about the possibility of success right now. And, after all we've been through, that's equally as scary. All I can do is hold on for the ride. And today, I feel tremendous...scared and tremendous!
Tomorrow is the big day!
Our embryos are doing well. We have 6 front runners. They don't have any cell counts today as they are either compacting or have compacted into teeny tiny blobs called morulas.
THE ROLLERCOASTER:
When I was getting married, I couldn't get enough of bridal shows. The same is true for my pregnancy journey. I watch baby shows all the time. I used to watch the really graphic ones, just so I knew what the terminology meant and everything that could happen. I know that would normally scare most people. My philosophy is that I'd rather know in an emergency what the next steps were. I'd become so desensitized to watching births that I'd forget to turn the show off when we started eating dinner. oops.
Today, I had some show about multiples on in the background while I was editing photos. Usually I just half pay attention but this one was really touching. This couple was in the operating room about to have quadruplets by C-section. Tons of hospital staff are in the room to assist with the delivery. The mom-to-be is obviously nervous. Her husband keeps telling her it's ok and how they are both going to raise these babies together. You can see in her eyes that she's scared. Then, she hears the first baby cry. The husband starts to describe how she totally changed in that moment. How she suddenly went from just her to being a mom....in the blink of an eye. She no longer cared how she was feeling and could only focus on her babies. As I watched it, I could see the change in her face. It was pretty amazing.
I've been a bit teary today on and off. It's hard to describe the emotions I'm feeling. I'm excited, giddy, scared, worried, and happy all at one time. I guess you'd call that a bit overwhelmed. I feel that we could be on the brink of something that could change our life forever. I can't tell you how much I hope that this is THE ONE (or two). I'm not sure we'll continue trying to have a baby if it's not. Yet, I still have a hard time seeing my life without raising a family. We've been through so much, I try not to think about the last 3 years. It's amazing to believe that I even have hope at this point.
Honestly, I'm unbelievably excited about the possibility of success right now. And, after all we've been through, that's equally as scary. All I can do is hold on for the ride. And today, I feel tremendous...scared and tremendous!
Tomorrow is the big day!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
BOO YA!
That's what my husband yelled out after I got off the phone with the IVF lab this morning. He insisted that I make it my blog headline. I totally agree! (He also told our first donor cycle to suck it....but as a headline, not so good.)
A major shoutout is in order to The Universe for coming through today. I didn't have to make any hard decisions. That's right, we had FIVE, count 'em FIVE 8-celled embryos, 3-7 cells, 1-5 cell and 1-10 cell. Boo ya!!! Damn straight! We're going to a 5 day blastocyst transfer!
This is the kind of response I expected in our last donor cycle. The benefit of using a donor is that their eggs are much higher quality (because the donor and the eggs are younger). During the last donor cycle we had 18 fertilized embryos. We immediately froze 1/2 of them. Of the remaining 9, "the best" embryos on day 3 were 1-8 cell and 1-7 cell. I knew that something was up right then. Of course, after using all 18 of those embryos and having none of them stick, we learned it the hard way.
But we're moving on from that. And I'm so excited!!! REALLY EXCITED!!!!
There's just one thing I should mention. During my research last night I read that transferring 2 at the blastocyst stage means a 73% of having twins. Could that possibly be true? Oh boy!
A major shoutout is in order to The Universe for coming through today. I didn't have to make any hard decisions. That's right, we had FIVE, count 'em FIVE 8-celled embryos, 3-7 cells, 1-5 cell and 1-10 cell. Boo ya!!! Damn straight! We're going to a 5 day blastocyst transfer!
This is the kind of response I expected in our last donor cycle. The benefit of using a donor is that their eggs are much higher quality (because the donor and the eggs are younger). During the last donor cycle we had 18 fertilized embryos. We immediately froze 1/2 of them. Of the remaining 9, "the best" embryos on day 3 were 1-8 cell and 1-7 cell. I knew that something was up right then. Of course, after using all 18 of those embryos and having none of them stick, we learned it the hard way.
But we're moving on from that. And I'm so excited!!! REALLY EXCITED!!!!
There's just one thing I should mention. During my research last night I read that transferring 2 at the blastocyst stage means a 73% of having twins. Could that possibly be true? Oh boy!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Did someone call for a doctor?
Today I'd call for a doctor, an IVF expert, and IVF Fairy or even Brad Pitt playing a doctor in Ocean's Eleven if he could tell me what the right decision is. The truth is, sometimes in IVF, it's all up to you. It's all up to me and my spouse to make many decisions that I don't think we are qualified to make. The answers if incorrect could result in a negative pregnancy result not to mention the loss of thousands and thousands of dollars.
I've spent countless hours scouring the internet. So much so, that I stopped researching and reading anything else about IVF since IVF #6 or 7. There just wasn't anything else meaningful to find, except community forums of inaccurate information.
Today I feel more unequipped than ever to make the decision we need to make. Tomorrow is Day 3 of our embryo culture. As of this morning we had 2-5 cells, 5-4 cells, and 3-2 cells. Tomorrow, what we are looking for is 8-celled embryos. In our best case scenario we'd love at least 5-8 celled embryos to go on to a 5 day blastocyst transfer. But what if we get 4? Our clinic says we can decide whatever we want to do. Their policy is to have 5, but we can choose to go on with 4 really great embryos. Not to mention, we have the others as well.
So tonight I went back into research mode. I've read the pros and cons of blastocyst stage. None of it conclusively says what the best course of action is. Some other clinics have a policy of 4 great 8 cells to go onto blast, so I do know we are not totally off base. Still, will the benefit outweigh the potential risk. Factor in the emotional reasons and gut feelings and who knows what to do?
As I go to sleep tonight I'm going to wish for just one thing...ok, FIVE things. I wish for 5-grade 1 8 celled embryos to be there when I wake up. I wish to be saved from figuring this all out. I wish for nature or the universe to make it all happen....and make it all easy....for once. Pretty please?
Night night.
I've spent countless hours scouring the internet. So much so, that I stopped researching and reading anything else about IVF since IVF #6 or 7. There just wasn't anything else meaningful to find, except community forums of inaccurate information.
Today I feel more unequipped than ever to make the decision we need to make. Tomorrow is Day 3 of our embryo culture. As of this morning we had 2-5 cells, 5-4 cells, and 3-2 cells. Tomorrow, what we are looking for is 8-celled embryos. In our best case scenario we'd love at least 5-8 celled embryos to go on to a 5 day blastocyst transfer. But what if we get 4? Our clinic says we can decide whatever we want to do. Their policy is to have 5, but we can choose to go on with 4 really great embryos. Not to mention, we have the others as well.
So tonight I went back into research mode. I've read the pros and cons of blastocyst stage. None of it conclusively says what the best course of action is. Some other clinics have a policy of 4 great 8 cells to go onto blast, so I do know we are not totally off base. Still, will the benefit outweigh the potential risk. Factor in the emotional reasons and gut feelings and who knows what to do?
As I go to sleep tonight I'm going to wish for just one thing...ok, FIVE things. I wish for 5-grade 1 8 celled embryos to be there when I wake up. I wish to be saved from figuring this all out. I wish for nature or the universe to make it all happen....and make it all easy....for once. Pretty please?
Night night.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Coping with pure fear during the IVF process.
Our donor had her egg retrieval yesterday. 13 eggs were retrieved. Even at 41, I always had 16, 18 even 20 eggs retrieved. Our previous donor also had 18 eggs retrieved. So, we're not sure what to make of this result. Today we learned that 10 of them fertilized. Again, this is a lot less than we are used to. Of course, the key to IVF is quality not quantity. There have been people in our support group that had just 5 eggs and now have twins. So, all we can do is hope for a couple of really great embryos.
Still, there's some kind of comfort in a large number. Yet, there's the knowledge that those large numbers did nothing for us. So, we wait...until tomorrow and hope that every single one of those 10 embryos has split into 4 cells. Then we wait until the next day to see if they all make 8 cells. In our control...no. Maddening....yes.
I'm photographing a wedding today. It will be a nice diversion. It will be good to concentrate on someone else's special day instead of obsessing. Not only that, but it helps to know that my entire life is not IVF. It's a reminder that there's something interesting about me, something I'm good at. Becoming a mom isn't all that I am.
Still, there's some kind of comfort in a large number. Yet, there's the knowledge that those large numbers did nothing for us. So, we wait...until tomorrow and hope that every single one of those 10 embryos has split into 4 cells. Then we wait until the next day to see if they all make 8 cells. In our control...no. Maddening....yes.
I'm photographing a wedding today. It will be a nice diversion. It will be good to concentrate on someone else's special day instead of obsessing. Not only that, but it helps to know that my entire life is not IVF. It's a reminder that there's something interesting about me, something I'm good at. Becoming a mom isn't all that I am.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I know....I know
A guy friend who had just become a dad pointed out how all the women who came over to hold his newborn said in a soothing voice "I know, I know" whenever the baby was upset. He wanted to know WHAT we knew and why we ALL said that! hee hee We'll never tell!
Now that I'm in the midst of my 8th IVF, I have to confess. I do know! I really do. So, even when it looks like you're not thinking about IVF....."I know, I know".
I know that you're cleaning your house on the weekend because your transfer will be within 3 to 5 days and you won't be able to clean after that.
I know that you just don't have a sudden craving for sushi. I know that you won't be able to have that in a couple of days so you can't stop thinking about it.
I know that you're trying to get in that last drop (or bottle) of wine with dinner before you can't.
I know that weening yourself off caffeine is easier said than done.
And I know how much you are freaking out on the inside, no matter how breezy you seem to everyone else.....and....so does your spouse.
I know all these things because today....was egg retrieval day for our donor. My husband got up at 6:30 am and gave his "sample" to the fertility clinic by 7:30 am. At 9, we received a call saying that 13 eggs were retrieved. Then, we went out for Dim Sum and a nice day in the city with our friends. I'm sure we seemed totally normal, but inside, all we could think about was those 13 eggs and if they will all fertilize by tomorrow. What should our plan be based on how many fertilize? Oh no, we're definitely not thinking about those results or that decision as we munch on shrimp shumai. Nooooo.
We are trying so hard not to think about it as I try so hard not to forget to take my estradiol, folate, prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin, progesterone in oil and prednisone at the recommended times during the day.
Sometimes when I'm doing IVF I notice these awkward silences with my friends. The silences are whenever the topic of IVF is in my head (which is often), but I know I've talked about it way too much. My mind is in an IVF fog and I literally have nothing else to talk about and nothing else currently happening in my life (anywhere near as important) to share. I feel a little hollow....a little uncool.....and more than a little obsessed.
So, if you're out there and you think no one can understand. If you think no one can knows how you're feeling right now, "I know, I know". I really do.
Now that I'm in the midst of my 8th IVF, I have to confess. I do know! I really do. So, even when it looks like you're not thinking about IVF....."I know, I know".
I know that you're cleaning your house on the weekend because your transfer will be within 3 to 5 days and you won't be able to clean after that.
I know that you just don't have a sudden craving for sushi. I know that you won't be able to have that in a couple of days so you can't stop thinking about it.
I know that you're trying to get in that last drop (or bottle) of wine with dinner before you can't.
I know that weening yourself off caffeine is easier said than done.
And I know how much you are freaking out on the inside, no matter how breezy you seem to everyone else.....and....so does your spouse.
I know all these things because today....was egg retrieval day for our donor. My husband got up at 6:30 am and gave his "sample" to the fertility clinic by 7:30 am. At 9, we received a call saying that 13 eggs were retrieved. Then, we went out for Dim Sum and a nice day in the city with our friends. I'm sure we seemed totally normal, but inside, all we could think about was those 13 eggs and if they will all fertilize by tomorrow. What should our plan be based on how many fertilize? Oh no, we're definitely not thinking about those results or that decision as we munch on shrimp shumai. Nooooo.
We are trying so hard not to think about it as I try so hard not to forget to take my estradiol, folate, prenatal vitamin, baby aspirin, progesterone in oil and prednisone at the recommended times during the day.
Sometimes when I'm doing IVF I notice these awkward silences with my friends. The silences are whenever the topic of IVF is in my head (which is often), but I know I've talked about it way too much. My mind is in an IVF fog and I literally have nothing else to talk about and nothing else currently happening in my life (anywhere near as important) to share. I feel a little hollow....a little uncool.....and more than a little obsessed.
So, if you're out there and you think no one can understand. If you think no one can knows how you're feeling right now, "I know, I know". I really do.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Giddiness, Waiting and Crazy...oh my!
I went in on Monday for my 2nd lining check. Even though I've been technically doing this cycle since November, the appointments are pretty basic (especially when it's your 8th time). Up to now, I hadn't seen an IVF nurse OR one of the doctors. I've just had basic bloodwork and ultrasounds. Today though, was a double whammy since both the IVF nurse and the doctor came in.
All of a sudden I realized that it's getting close, things are finally happening. I found out that the donor has about 16 follicles that are developing. Especially when doing IVF, I would not describe myself as upbeat. The IVF meds usually exaggerate the anxiety and bitchy traits in me. But Monday, I'd describe myself as downright giddy. 1) It feels totally unnatural to me to feel so happy and 2)It scares the crap out me when it's related to IVF.
The last time I did a donor cycle I was so convinced it would work that I changed out the clothes in my closet to maternity clothes. Needless to say, disappointed doesn't accurately relate how I felt when the result was negative. Devastated is more like it.
So, when I feel excited and hopeful and giddy about the potential of this cycle, I remember that other feeling, the devastated one. I realize there's no way to protect myself. I just really hope we finally have some good news. It's been such a long journey, I'm ready for it to be over. I'm not really sure I have the strength to do more IVF if it doesn't work. And I KNOW we don't have the funds. No pressure, but this HAS to be the one.
So now it's Thursday and my giddiness has calmed down a bit. I've tried to focus on my business although the "focus" part has not been so easy. The Lupron injections combined with my anxiety over everything has not made me the most fun person to be around. Right now the phone is in front of me and I'm waiting for it to ring. I'm waiting for the update on the donor's appointment this morning. Once the majority of her follicles reach 16mm, she'll take an hcg shot. Her egg retrieval will be 36 hours later. That's when all the fun begins.
Oh yeah! I almost forgot. During the appointment on Monday, I'm chatting about how crazy I am on the Lupron and the IVF Nurse (who runs the egg donor program) says to the doctor. "The donor looks like her". I start babbling about the baby photo I saw of the donor with her black hair like when I was a baby. Later, I realized that the nurse actually KNOWS the donor and she's saying we look alike. I've just seen 4 photos. VERY COOL! It makes me feel like younger me is giving her eggs to older me. Hey, I'd go back in time and donate to myself if I could!
Anyway, back to staring at the phone.
All of a sudden I realized that it's getting close, things are finally happening. I found out that the donor has about 16 follicles that are developing. Especially when doing IVF, I would not describe myself as upbeat. The IVF meds usually exaggerate the anxiety and bitchy traits in me. But Monday, I'd describe myself as downright giddy. 1) It feels totally unnatural to me to feel so happy and 2)It scares the crap out me when it's related to IVF.
The last time I did a donor cycle I was so convinced it would work that I changed out the clothes in my closet to maternity clothes. Needless to say, disappointed doesn't accurately relate how I felt when the result was negative. Devastated is more like it.
So, when I feel excited and hopeful and giddy about the potential of this cycle, I remember that other feeling, the devastated one. I realize there's no way to protect myself. I just really hope we finally have some good news. It's been such a long journey, I'm ready for it to be over. I'm not really sure I have the strength to do more IVF if it doesn't work. And I KNOW we don't have the funds. No pressure, but this HAS to be the one.
So now it's Thursday and my giddiness has calmed down a bit. I've tried to focus on my business although the "focus" part has not been so easy. The Lupron injections combined with my anxiety over everything has not made me the most fun person to be around. Right now the phone is in front of me and I'm waiting for it to ring. I'm waiting for the update on the donor's appointment this morning. Once the majority of her follicles reach 16mm, she'll take an hcg shot. Her egg retrieval will be 36 hours later. That's when all the fun begins.
Oh yeah! I almost forgot. During the appointment on Monday, I'm chatting about how crazy I am on the Lupron and the IVF Nurse (who runs the egg donor program) says to the doctor. "The donor looks like her". I start babbling about the baby photo I saw of the donor with her black hair like when I was a baby. Later, I realized that the nurse actually KNOWS the donor and she's saying we look alike. I've just seen 4 photos. VERY COOL! It makes me feel like younger me is giving her eggs to older me. Hey, I'd go back in time and donate to myself if I could!
Anyway, back to staring at the phone.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tennis Anyone?
Well, things are much better hormonally this week. I started estradiol pills along with the lupron, so the happy pills are countering the effects of the bad pills. With Lupron and Estradial, I feel physically relaxed, but I'm freaking out on the inside. The good news is that it's all almost over.
The donor started her stim meds on the 5th. So, what will happen is that she'll take these for about 7 days. In a normal cycle, one of her follicles would developing into an egg. In an IVF cycle, ALL of her follicles will develop into eggs. I can't tell you how glad I am that I'm not doing this part. Because there are so many eggs in your ovaries, it makes your ovaries feel like giant tennis balls. The last time I did it, the hormones whacked me out so much that I slept for the last 2 days. I feel bad for the donor a bit because she's never done a cycle before. I do know from her file that she has 2 kids, so I hope it's not too rough for her.
As soon as her eggs are all ready to go, I get to stop the Lupron. YAY!!!! Of course, then I get to start butt shots with 1 1/2" needles, but let's not get ahead of ourselves!
Right now, I don't know how to feel about the whole cycle. Taking the shots and meds is pretty much second nature to me at this point. The side effects are a huge drag. But then, this is when hope and excitement start to creep in. Once the donor has the egg retrieval and we find out each day how the embryos are doing, it's going to be really hard not to get excited. I'm unbelievably scared that we'll have similar results to last time. Embryos that looked ok but really weren't. There's zero explanation as to what happened so I don't know if it will happen again. AND, this is it...this is our last chance.
All I can do is admit that I have no control over any of it and try my best not to obsess. Basically, this blog post is one of the few indulgences I give myself about the IVF. Although, D and I did have a discussion the other night about baby names. Apparently he thinks King would be a great name. "King Morrow" he said in a slightly British accent and then gave an evil laugh. THAT is why we get along so well!
The donor started her stim meds on the 5th. So, what will happen is that she'll take these for about 7 days. In a normal cycle, one of her follicles would developing into an egg. In an IVF cycle, ALL of her follicles will develop into eggs. I can't tell you how glad I am that I'm not doing this part. Because there are so many eggs in your ovaries, it makes your ovaries feel like giant tennis balls. The last time I did it, the hormones whacked me out so much that I slept for the last 2 days. I feel bad for the donor a bit because she's never done a cycle before. I do know from her file that she has 2 kids, so I hope it's not too rough for her.
As soon as her eggs are all ready to go, I get to stop the Lupron. YAY!!!! Of course, then I get to start butt shots with 1 1/2" needles, but let's not get ahead of ourselves!
Right now, I don't know how to feel about the whole cycle. Taking the shots and meds is pretty much second nature to me at this point. The side effects are a huge drag. But then, this is when hope and excitement start to creep in. Once the donor has the egg retrieval and we find out each day how the embryos are doing, it's going to be really hard not to get excited. I'm unbelievably scared that we'll have similar results to last time. Embryos that looked ok but really weren't. There's zero explanation as to what happened so I don't know if it will happen again. AND, this is it...this is our last chance.
All I can do is admit that I have no control over any of it and try my best not to obsess. Basically, this blog post is one of the few indulgences I give myself about the IVF. Although, D and I did have a discussion the other night about baby names. Apparently he thinks King would be a great name. "King Morrow" he said in a slightly British accent and then gave an evil laugh. THAT is why we get along so well!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Diary of the Wannabe Disengaged
I love my husband. I'm very lucky to have him in my life. We've been through so much with all these treatments and he's been so supportive. But right now, I'm annoyed. I've been on the couch for 3 days with a headache to end all headaches. I go to sleep with it and I wake up with it and I'm just not much fun. He didn't even call me today to see how I was feeling. I called him at 4pm and he said he has to call me back in a 1/2 hour. Um yeah. Well, that didn't make me feel any better. Actually nothing he is doing is making me feel any better. He's barely doing his chores much less helping me with mine right now. He hasn't once said, I want to make you dinner tonight....or helped me so that I don't have to do all the planning for once. He seems to have checked out of this IVF cycle. The other night I was sleeping on the couch. He woke me up and told me it was time for bed, but didn't remind me that I needed my lupron shot. That could have been a huge problem. Luckily, I remembered just before we turned out the lights and got out of bed to do it. It feels more like MY IVF cycle not OUR IVF cycle.
I don't blame him really. I wish I could check out too. But, I have to remember the shot and the pills and the appointments. The last thing I want to do is to go through this again or feel like this again but it's the only way for us to have a baby. If only the man could do a couple of cycles and the woman could do a couple of cycles. It would seem more fair.
I've been very lonely the past few days. I'm here alone with my symptoms like this crazy headache and my crazy thoughts. I go to the IVF appointments by myself now because he doesn't work down the street from the doctor's office anymore and he has to leave really early for work. I work from home, so I'm here all day trying to break through the medication fog that has me feeling like crap.
It's not just him, I think everyone is done with our IVF. My friends try so hard to relate and be supportive but it's a huge conversation downer. After 7 IVFs, it's pretty much the same story again and again.
I went and had my hair cut today. I was feeling so blah that I thought I could use a change. I went in there wanting purple highlights, but they didn't have the color to do it. I also found out I'd have to refresh it every 2 weeks b/c it would fade. Once I told her about the IVF she said how sad I looked when I couldn't get the purple....and she understood. Turns out the hairdresser is going through IUI and is having her procedure in a couple of days. It was nice to talk to someone who could relate. She's 30 and has had 4 miscarriages this year. Strangely that comforted me. There was actually someone else out there who is working and living every day dealing with all of this. I needed some purple to get me out of my funk. Oh well, I like my hair though...and I'm just going to have to ride the wave of funk and hope (I hate that word "hope") this all works out.
I don't blame him really. I wish I could check out too. But, I have to remember the shot and the pills and the appointments. The last thing I want to do is to go through this again or feel like this again but it's the only way for us to have a baby. If only the man could do a couple of cycles and the woman could do a couple of cycles. It would seem more fair.
I've been very lonely the past few days. I'm here alone with my symptoms like this crazy headache and my crazy thoughts. I go to the IVF appointments by myself now because he doesn't work down the street from the doctor's office anymore and he has to leave really early for work. I work from home, so I'm here all day trying to break through the medication fog that has me feeling like crap.
It's not just him, I think everyone is done with our IVF. My friends try so hard to relate and be supportive but it's a huge conversation downer. After 7 IVFs, it's pretty much the same story again and again.
I went and had my hair cut today. I was feeling so blah that I thought I could use a change. I went in there wanting purple highlights, but they didn't have the color to do it. I also found out I'd have to refresh it every 2 weeks b/c it would fade. Once I told her about the IVF she said how sad I looked when I couldn't get the purple....and she understood. Turns out the hairdresser is going through IUI and is having her procedure in a couple of days. It was nice to talk to someone who could relate. She's 30 and has had 4 miscarriages this year. Strangely that comforted me. There was actually someone else out there who is working and living every day dealing with all of this. I needed some purple to get me out of my funk. Oh well, I like my hair though...and I'm just going to have to ride the wave of funk and hope (I hate that word "hope") this all works out.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Dear Lupron
You suck. I hate you. You make me feel horrible. You make me gain 3 pounds the moment I start your injections. I woke up with a headache this morning.....coincidentally I went to bed with one too...and it's all because of you. Why? Lupron. Why? I can't think straight and I'm depressed. I haven't been depressed for the past 4 months that you weren't in my life so I know it's you. You make me fear menopause. You make my husband quake in fear too. Did I mention you suck? YOU SUCK! The end.
Day 12 on Lupron.
20 to go.
Day 12 on Lupron.
20 to go.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
What do IVF and On-line Dating have in common?
My mom was widowed about 3 years ago and just recently started on-line dating. She said she wasn't sure she could take on-line dating because she didn't know if she could handle rejection or if anyone wasn't nice to her. I said that if she felt that way she shouldn't do it and that on-line dating definitely requires you to have an emotional suit of armor. The same is true of going through IVF.
People say things, really unbelievable things, to you. Sometimes they know what you are going through and sometimes they don't. I go to a support group at my fertility clinic. Some of the famous one-liners that we hear all the time from friends and relatives are: "you should just relax and take a vacation." and "well, at least you get to "try" a lot". Of course neither of these has anything to do with the situation or with IVF. This long process has taught me that I do better if I don't expect people to say the right thing....because it's most likely that they won't.
I went to a baby shower for my cousin. I pulled into my spot in the parking lot and I didn't want to get out of the car. It was definitely not an easy event to attend but I wanted to be strong and get through it. I didn't want to be one of those people who can't look at a baby or wasn't happy for other people who are able to get pregnant. There were 80 people there. It was huge. I walked up to the front, someone took my gift, my aunt hugged me, put her hand on my belly and said "anything yet?". My mouth dropped open. I practically ran to the table where my mom and sister were sitting. I didn't cry or break down. I just thought, well, the worst thing that could happen just did and that's over with. Unfreakin' believable.....but over with. I told them the story and grabbed some champagne punch.
Here's the thing. My aunt loves me...and I know how much she wants this for me. It was just, well, really, really wrong. It wasn't meant to hurt me, but well, I'm still not sure how she (who moved on to adoption due to her own fertility issues) could say that but it's ok. I went into that shower with my suit of armor on and I got through it. I may have even upgraded the armor after that day.
My husband and I went to a baptism recently for the latest addition to his side of the family. We were sitting at the table with his Mom and Dad and some other people. A childhood family friend of his Dad's came over and was telling us about his family. He had 3 sons and 3 grandchildren. He was telling us all about them. Then, he says to my in-laws "Do you have any grandchildren?" They say no and he says "Oh, I thought I was doing bad with three!" Um, dude, we're sitting RIGHT HERE and you have no idea what our situation is. Seriously? I felt bad that my in-laws had to feel the sting of that comment since that's not something they usually have to deal with. My husband and I though, had a big laugh about it in the car. WHAT A JERK! We made it our (really asshole) quote of the day!
I can't say I always have my armor on. It's at these times, when you're with people you feel really should understand or you're in a vulnerable situation that it's really difficult to handle unexpected comments.
I was in the hospital for a D&E because there was no heartbeat on the 8 week ultrasound of my 2nd pregnancy. They wheel me into the operating room. All I was trying to do was keep things light and talk about anything but what was happening. Most of the staff understands this and they definitely don't want you to get agitated or upset. One nurse, starts asking me questions...as they are tying my arms to the table. "Do I have any children?" (internal: No Bitch! I don't have any children and I just had a miscarriage so really shut the hell up") Then it comes up that I did IVF and she just starts asking me about that. Apparently she was just starting her first IVF cycle. I'm tied to a table, scared about the surgery and totally dumbfounded at the insensitivity of this person. I just answer her questions ...barely able to get the answers out, but I don't even have the will to tell her off. I'm just shocked.....and really glad when they put me out with the anesthesia. All I can think is that she was so wrapped up in what was going on with her that she didn't have any idea what she was saying.
Any of these comments could cause a person in my position to ball my eyes out or get really pissed off. They really could. In the beginning they did. Dealing with fertility issues is like having an open wound sometimes. It's been one of the most challenging things I've had to deal with in my entire life. But it's also been a journey. It's made my marriage stronger and it's made me realize that I can't control everything. IVF can make or break you and your marriage. So if you're thinking of doing IVF......
Suit up! Prepare for the battle!....and share your quote of the day!
People say things, really unbelievable things, to you. Sometimes they know what you are going through and sometimes they don't. I go to a support group at my fertility clinic. Some of the famous one-liners that we hear all the time from friends and relatives are: "you should just relax and take a vacation." and "well, at least you get to "try" a lot". Of course neither of these has anything to do with the situation or with IVF. This long process has taught me that I do better if I don't expect people to say the right thing....because it's most likely that they won't.
I went to a baby shower for my cousin. I pulled into my spot in the parking lot and I didn't want to get out of the car. It was definitely not an easy event to attend but I wanted to be strong and get through it. I didn't want to be one of those people who can't look at a baby or wasn't happy for other people who are able to get pregnant. There were 80 people there. It was huge. I walked up to the front, someone took my gift, my aunt hugged me, put her hand on my belly and said "anything yet?". My mouth dropped open. I practically ran to the table where my mom and sister were sitting. I didn't cry or break down. I just thought, well, the worst thing that could happen just did and that's over with. Unfreakin' believable.....but over with. I told them the story and grabbed some champagne punch.
Here's the thing. My aunt loves me...and I know how much she wants this for me. It was just, well, really, really wrong. It wasn't meant to hurt me, but well, I'm still not sure how she (who moved on to adoption due to her own fertility issues) could say that but it's ok. I went into that shower with my suit of armor on and I got through it. I may have even upgraded the armor after that day.
My husband and I went to a baptism recently for the latest addition to his side of the family. We were sitting at the table with his Mom and Dad and some other people. A childhood family friend of his Dad's came over and was telling us about his family. He had 3 sons and 3 grandchildren. He was telling us all about them. Then, he says to my in-laws "Do you have any grandchildren?" They say no and he says "Oh, I thought I was doing bad with three!" Um, dude, we're sitting RIGHT HERE and you have no idea what our situation is. Seriously? I felt bad that my in-laws had to feel the sting of that comment since that's not something they usually have to deal with. My husband and I though, had a big laugh about it in the car. WHAT A JERK! We made it our (really asshole) quote of the day!
I can't say I always have my armor on. It's at these times, when you're with people you feel really should understand or you're in a vulnerable situation that it's really difficult to handle unexpected comments.
I was in the hospital for a D&E because there was no heartbeat on the 8 week ultrasound of my 2nd pregnancy. They wheel me into the operating room. All I was trying to do was keep things light and talk about anything but what was happening. Most of the staff understands this and they definitely don't want you to get agitated or upset. One nurse, starts asking me questions...as they are tying my arms to the table. "Do I have any children?" (internal: No Bitch! I don't have any children and I just had a miscarriage so really shut the hell up") Then it comes up that I did IVF and she just starts asking me about that. Apparently she was just starting her first IVF cycle. I'm tied to a table, scared about the surgery and totally dumbfounded at the insensitivity of this person. I just answer her questions ...barely able to get the answers out, but I don't even have the will to tell her off. I'm just shocked.....and really glad when they put me out with the anesthesia. All I can think is that she was so wrapped up in what was going on with her that she didn't have any idea what she was saying.
Any of these comments could cause a person in my position to ball my eyes out or get really pissed off. They really could. In the beginning they did. Dealing with fertility issues is like having an open wound sometimes. It's been one of the most challenging things I've had to deal with in my entire life. But it's also been a journey. It's made my marriage stronger and it's made me realize that I can't control everything. IVF can make or break you and your marriage. So if you're thinking of doing IVF......
Suit up! Prepare for the battle!....and share your quote of the day!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Today is another day.
We took a few months after the last failed IVF. All I wanted was to feel like myself again....and, it took a while. I started to lose some weight. I started to have regular cycles again. My life didn't have to revolve around the IVF schedule. I even forgot the number to our IVF office and had to look it up. We renovated our back family room and turned it into a master bedroom over the summer.
Now, we have an extra room for a baby if one decides to come along. I started to concentrate on my photography business, which has really taken off. I've discovered that I really love maternity and newborn photography. It's not sad or weird to me at all. It's actually totally ok and really fun.
We also had some major discussions with our IVF practice. They wanted to help us out, but we didn't know how much they wanted to help us. Since we were out of money, we really needed them to come through or else we wouldn't get a chance with another donor. Luckily, they did. With some help from family, we are going to be able to do one more cycle.
So, here we go again. Last month I started the Pill. As soon as I started taking it I could feel hormonal changes. I didn't realize how much that would affect me. Then last week, I started Lupron. Oh boy. I felt that one from day one. Last night I was up with night sweats.....and two hours later I went back to bed and was freezing. I got choked up at a note on a Christmas card yesterday too. Let the Lupron crazy begin. I still have a month to go before the transfer even happens. I just hope it goes fast.
I'm trying hard to pretend that I'm not doing IVF right now at all. I'm a little afraid that hope is going to creep in and that excitement will follow soon after. Especially during the holidays, it's hard not to picture us with a baby next year.....or how it will be if we don't have one. The first time I got pregnant, my due date was 12/23, which I just realized is today. Wow. If things had worked out I'd have a 2 year old. But it's the journey right? We are stronger than we ever thought we could be. Let's just hope it takes us to a happy place in the end....a happy, sleep-deprived, spit up on place.
Now, we have an extra room for a baby if one decides to come along. I started to concentrate on my photography business, which has really taken off. I've discovered that I really love maternity and newborn photography. It's not sad or weird to me at all. It's actually totally ok and really fun.
We also had some major discussions with our IVF practice. They wanted to help us out, but we didn't know how much they wanted to help us. Since we were out of money, we really needed them to come through or else we wouldn't get a chance with another donor. Luckily, they did. With some help from family, we are going to be able to do one more cycle.
So, here we go again. Last month I started the Pill. As soon as I started taking it I could feel hormonal changes. I didn't realize how much that would affect me. Then last week, I started Lupron. Oh boy. I felt that one from day one. Last night I was up with night sweats.....and two hours later I went back to bed and was freezing. I got choked up at a note on a Christmas card yesterday too. Let the Lupron crazy begin. I still have a month to go before the transfer even happens. I just hope it goes fast.
I'm trying hard to pretend that I'm not doing IVF right now at all. I'm a little afraid that hope is going to creep in and that excitement will follow soon after. Especially during the holidays, it's hard not to picture us with a baby next year.....or how it will be if we don't have one. The first time I got pregnant, my due date was 12/23, which I just realized is today. Wow. If things had worked out I'd have a 2 year old. But it's the journey right? We are stronger than we ever thought we could be. Let's just hope it takes us to a happy place in the end....a happy, sleep-deprived, spit up on place.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Wow, I'm so sad for me.... ;P
I just read my last 2 posts in 2009 and thought, wow, that's like a book or movie. I couldn't believe how sad it was or that it was actually me that went through all of this. I've been watching that Giulana & Bill reality show and I usually cry during it because I totally relate to what they are going through. It was strange tonight reading my own blog post and totally relating to myself. It's almost like "How did that couple ever handle that?" Then, oh right...that's me. So.....back to the story.
I was going to cut the story short because I wanted to say we are OK. The last part is really sad and honestly, that's not all my husband and I are through this whole journey. We've tried really hard to keep our lives fun and (even though we have no money anymore) keep a good perspective.
However, I guess you really can't have an idea how hard that has been unless you know where we've been. Let's start with the numbers and the details. IVF coverage in Pennsylvania sucks! My coverage was for $10k, 1/2 of which was spent on initial testing. Basically, an fresh IVF cycle costs about $12K, a frozen IVF cycle costs $3K and meds are a different story alltogether. We did 3 fresh IVFs and 1 frozen before we moved onto donor egg. The cost of a donor cycle is about $25K. When I found out I was being laid off from my job, I stockpiled as many meds as I could in the 8 weeks I had left....so luckily, this tookabout $3k off the price. My mom helped us out with this cycle from $$ she had from my grandmother so that was a huge help.
When the donor cycle didn't work, I was really blown away. Not only for us, but I really wanted it to work b/c my mom wanted to help us so much. It was really hard. We had 9 embryos left from this same cycle. We did a 2nd cycle that was frozen and that was negative. We did a 3rd cycle and that was disastrous. On 3rd cycle, I could almost predict how bad it was going to be. It was strange how catastrophic became amusing....because it had to be or else it would be devastating.
I knew from the very first donor cycle that something was wrong. I just knew that my response versus this donor's response were not dissimilar enough....and they should have been. My doctor's office kept acting like I was over-reacting (which I was not) and that I was a total bitch (which I was).
So, we had 4 embryos. 2 didn't make it through the thaw. (None of my embryos ever arrested during a thaw.) Then, the other 2 didn't continue to divide. I laughed when the embryologist told me this because that's all i could do. I KNEW IT! I predicted it! I KNEW something was wrong. I knew we would wind up using the 6 embryos of our own that we had frozen....and that's what we did.
The doctor came into the waiting room that day and (after denying any problem in the 2 previous cycles) starting talking about humidity and lab temp and how they checked everything. I (who just wanted to do this lousy embryo transfer and get the hell out of there) realized that this was finally an admission that something was wrong...really wrong. I was trying to hold it together with humor until he started saying that no matter what happened they didn't want us to walk away empty handed. I started to cry. And....I couldn't stop. I had never done this in my drs. office before. And, as I walked passed the receptionist's desk on the way to the transfer room, I could see there were nurses and office people all huddled there. They all knew that this was a bad day for us....and they all didn't know what to do.
As I had the 5 embryos I had left transferred, I knew these we unlikely to work. I commented to the doctor how this used to be such a fun, exciting day for my husband and I. We used to be so excited and hopeful during the embryo transfer.....and now I can't stop crying. Afterward, the doctor held my hand and wished us luck....I told him to go kill a chicken or do whatever he had to do. (The sarcasm just turned on....that's what I do) I was still crying until the moment we left.
And....the pregnancy test was negative.
Now, that's a really, really bad day for us. This could be a make or break day. 7 IVfs and nothing to show for it. It's a hard thing to take for sure.
But....we are ok. WE ARE OK!
I was going to cut the story short because I wanted to say we are OK. The last part is really sad and honestly, that's not all my husband and I are through this whole journey. We've tried really hard to keep our lives fun and (even though we have no money anymore) keep a good perspective.
However, I guess you really can't have an idea how hard that has been unless you know where we've been. Let's start with the numbers and the details. IVF coverage in Pennsylvania sucks! My coverage was for $10k, 1/2 of which was spent on initial testing. Basically, an fresh IVF cycle costs about $12K, a frozen IVF cycle costs $3K and meds are a different story alltogether. We did 3 fresh IVFs and 1 frozen before we moved onto donor egg. The cost of a donor cycle is about $25K. When I found out I was being laid off from my job, I stockpiled as many meds as I could in the 8 weeks I had left....so luckily, this tookabout $3k off the price. My mom helped us out with this cycle from $$ she had from my grandmother so that was a huge help.
When the donor cycle didn't work, I was really blown away. Not only for us, but I really wanted it to work b/c my mom wanted to help us so much. It was really hard. We had 9 embryos left from this same cycle. We did a 2nd cycle that was frozen and that was negative. We did a 3rd cycle and that was disastrous. On 3rd cycle, I could almost predict how bad it was going to be. It was strange how catastrophic became amusing....because it had to be or else it would be devastating.
I knew from the very first donor cycle that something was wrong. I just knew that my response versus this donor's response were not dissimilar enough....and they should have been. My doctor's office kept acting like I was over-reacting (which I was not) and that I was a total bitch (which I was).
So, we had 4 embryos. 2 didn't make it through the thaw. (None of my embryos ever arrested during a thaw.) Then, the other 2 didn't continue to divide. I laughed when the embryologist told me this because that's all i could do. I KNEW IT! I predicted it! I KNEW something was wrong. I knew we would wind up using the 6 embryos of our own that we had frozen....and that's what we did.
The doctor came into the waiting room that day and (after denying any problem in the 2 previous cycles) starting talking about humidity and lab temp and how they checked everything. I (who just wanted to do this lousy embryo transfer and get the hell out of there) realized that this was finally an admission that something was wrong...really wrong. I was trying to hold it together with humor until he started saying that no matter what happened they didn't want us to walk away empty handed. I started to cry. And....I couldn't stop. I had never done this in my drs. office before. And, as I walked passed the receptionist's desk on the way to the transfer room, I could see there were nurses and office people all huddled there. They all knew that this was a bad day for us....and they all didn't know what to do.
As I had the 5 embryos I had left transferred, I knew these we unlikely to work. I commented to the doctor how this used to be such a fun, exciting day for my husband and I. We used to be so excited and hopeful during the embryo transfer.....and now I can't stop crying. Afterward, the doctor held my hand and wished us luck....I told him to go kill a chicken or do whatever he had to do. (The sarcasm just turned on....that's what I do) I was still crying until the moment we left.
And....the pregnancy test was negative.
Now, that's a really, really bad day for us. This could be a make or break day. 7 IVfs and nothing to show for it. It's a hard thing to take for sure.
But....we are ok. WE ARE OK!
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Still on the IVF hamster wheel!
It's been a long time since what was going to be my last post and so much has happened. It is seriously a whole year since I've even looked at this blog. I was really surprised to see that over 2600 people have viewed it. I hope that it helped some of you out there going through the same thing.
So! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this is the post where I say "Oh, now we have a baby and blah blah blah" and you think "Oh man, you suck, you're just like all the others". Well, sorry for us to say it is not that blog post. But while it's not, this also isn't going to be a sad or depressing post. Before I give you an update on everything that's happened, let me just say that my husband and I are ok. We really are. We're a lot poorer than when we started, but a lot of great things have happened in our lives in the past year along with all the hard stuff.
So, here it goes. January 2010. We decided after our last cycle that my eggs were crap and moved on to donor egg. At first I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that the baby wouldn't be genetically mine. Then, as the cycle started and the 70% success rate that my clinic was at so far for the year, I started to get very excited. Excitement and hope....hmmmm Danger Will Robinson, Danger!
(technical jargon alert) We had 18 fertilized embryos. We froze 9 immediately at 2pn and let the other 9 culture. I started to get a little worried the day of our transfer when our best embies were 1-8cell and 1-7 cell. I thought we'd have a lot more 8 cells. But, the doctor was practically giddy and assured me they were great because they were already compacting.
I guess I've done way too many IVFs at this point b/c I looked at the photo and thought "wow, that's a lot of fragmentation for a 23 year olds eggs". and...I thought, "it's way too early for the embryos to be compacting". But in the end, I bought what my doctor was selling and changed out all my clothes in my closet for maternity clothes. I even disregarded the fact that none of the other 7 made it to quality blastocysts for freezing.
Whatever hope blinders I had on set me up for a big fall the day we found out we weren't pregnant. It was a really hard one to take and I gave my IVF office an earful!
We went on to get a 2nd opinion, and then to do a frozen cycle with 5 of the other 9. None of these made it beyond 4-cells. Also BFN. I seriously considered wearing a hat on our transfer day that said "if you tell me to think positive I will kick you in the balls". But, there were too many women in the office to make that threat actionable.
The kicker cycle. We gave it one last effort with the remaining 4. 2 didn't make it through the thaw and the other 2 arrested and did not continue to divide. In other words, it was a major catastrophe. Not at all what should have happened on a donor cycle. I'll forever be convinced it was a lab error of some kind, but I'll never know what actually happened.
Since then we've taken about 3 months to feel normal again. I've lost another 10 lbs. and concentrated on my business. The good news is that my business is really starting to take off. My husband got a new job and a nice raise, which has helped with me not having any income while I'm starting my business. We still have no IVF coverage of course...thank you Pennsylvania.
Well, that's enough of an update for you to take in tonight. I'll share more soon.
So! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this is the post where I say "Oh, now we have a baby and blah blah blah" and you think "Oh man, you suck, you're just like all the others". Well, sorry for us to say it is not that blog post. But while it's not, this also isn't going to be a sad or depressing post. Before I give you an update on everything that's happened, let me just say that my husband and I are ok. We really are. We're a lot poorer than when we started, but a lot of great things have happened in our lives in the past year along with all the hard stuff.
So, here it goes. January 2010. We decided after our last cycle that my eggs were crap and moved on to donor egg. At first I had a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that the baby wouldn't be genetically mine. Then, as the cycle started and the 70% success rate that my clinic was at so far for the year, I started to get very excited. Excitement and hope....hmmmm Danger Will Robinson, Danger!
(technical jargon alert) We had 18 fertilized embryos. We froze 9 immediately at 2pn and let the other 9 culture. I started to get a little worried the day of our transfer when our best embies were 1-8cell and 1-7 cell. I thought we'd have a lot more 8 cells. But, the doctor was practically giddy and assured me they were great because they were already compacting.
I guess I've done way too many IVFs at this point b/c I looked at the photo and thought "wow, that's a lot of fragmentation for a 23 year olds eggs". and...I thought, "it's way too early for the embryos to be compacting". But in the end, I bought what my doctor was selling and changed out all my clothes in my closet for maternity clothes. I even disregarded the fact that none of the other 7 made it to quality blastocysts for freezing.
Whatever hope blinders I had on set me up for a big fall the day we found out we weren't pregnant. It was a really hard one to take and I gave my IVF office an earful!
We went on to get a 2nd opinion, and then to do a frozen cycle with 5 of the other 9. None of these made it beyond 4-cells. Also BFN. I seriously considered wearing a hat on our transfer day that said "if you tell me to think positive I will kick you in the balls". But, there were too many women in the office to make that threat actionable.
The kicker cycle. We gave it one last effort with the remaining 4. 2 didn't make it through the thaw and the other 2 arrested and did not continue to divide. In other words, it was a major catastrophe. Not at all what should have happened on a donor cycle. I'll forever be convinced it was a lab error of some kind, but I'll never know what actually happened.
Since then we've taken about 3 months to feel normal again. I've lost another 10 lbs. and concentrated on my business. The good news is that my business is really starting to take off. My husband got a new job and a nice raise, which has helped with me not having any income while I'm starting my business. We still have no IVF coverage of course...thank you Pennsylvania.
Well, that's enough of an update for you to take in tonight. I'll share more soon.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The rest of the story ......
I just finally published all the posts I made after my pregnancy test. In case there are people out there going through the same things who happen to read this blog....I published them to let you know you are not alone. It has been very helpful to me in the past 1 1/2 years to go through and read the journey others have taken. Sometimes it seems that all of the journeys end in happy endings, but mostly I think that's just because it's so hard to write about it when they don't.
So here's my ending......
The morning of November 2nd I received a call from my aunt. She told my that my cousin just had her baby. I was happy for her.....I wondered if I was only happy b/c I was pregnant too.....but no, I was definitely happy for her. Of course, I desperately wanted that to be me as well. We had a 1pm u/s appt....the big 8 week appt that we both knew was the make or break u/s. If we could get passed this ultrasound, I may actually start to be excited about being pregnant. We sat in the eerily familiar waiting room as I tried to drink more water until we were called in. I changed into my gown and the u/s tech started the u/s as I explained to her our past history and how important this day was for us.
It quickly turned into a deja vu moment that I never wanted to have. The u/s tech could not find the sac, so she sent me to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then, we moved on to the vaginal u/s. (I already know where this is going but I'm holding my breath for a different outcome) We find the sac and can see blood flowing all around it.....but I don't see a heartbeat....and I barely see anything inside the sac. It seems a long time as the tech keeps looking but she finally says that the baby's size is only about 5 1/2 weeks, which means it shrunk from the last u/s...which means.....well.... that's when I started to cry. She says she is so sorry and leaves us alone. And then all I could say softly was "fuck.....fuck....fuck" as Dan hugged me. And then, it was all over. We both knew this was it. No matter what the doctors keep telling us, our chance for having our own genetic child was done. We don't have unlimited funds and I don't have the unlimited emotional strength to go through this again and again. I'd like my mental state and our marriage to remain intact.
I went in 2 days later for the d&e......and was very thankful not to run into my aunt or uncle anywhere in the hospital that day. A few days after I developed major pain and had to go to the er. It turned into a 3 weeks saga but I'm finally recovered.
We have other options left to have a family.....for the past couple of months we've just been recovering from a very very long year.
So here's my ending......
The morning of November 2nd I received a call from my aunt. She told my that my cousin just had her baby. I was happy for her.....I wondered if I was only happy b/c I was pregnant too.....but no, I was definitely happy for her. Of course, I desperately wanted that to be me as well. We had a 1pm u/s appt....the big 8 week appt that we both knew was the make or break u/s. If we could get passed this ultrasound, I may actually start to be excited about being pregnant. We sat in the eerily familiar waiting room as I tried to drink more water until we were called in. I changed into my gown and the u/s tech started the u/s as I explained to her our past history and how important this day was for us.
It quickly turned into a deja vu moment that I never wanted to have. The u/s tech could not find the sac, so she sent me to the bathroom to empty my bladder. Then, we moved on to the vaginal u/s. (I already know where this is going but I'm holding my breath for a different outcome) We find the sac and can see blood flowing all around it.....but I don't see a heartbeat....and I barely see anything inside the sac. It seems a long time as the tech keeps looking but she finally says that the baby's size is only about 5 1/2 weeks, which means it shrunk from the last u/s...which means.....well.... that's when I started to cry. She says she is so sorry and leaves us alone. And then all I could say softly was "fuck.....fuck....fuck" as Dan hugged me. And then, it was all over. We both knew this was it. No matter what the doctors keep telling us, our chance for having our own genetic child was done. We don't have unlimited funds and I don't have the unlimited emotional strength to go through this again and again. I'd like my mental state and our marriage to remain intact.
I went in 2 days later for the d&e......and was very thankful not to run into my aunt or uncle anywhere in the hospital that day. A few days after I developed major pain and had to go to the er. It turned into a 3 weeks saga but I'm finally recovered.
We have other options left to have a family.....for the past couple of months we've just been recovering from a very very long year.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Here I go again....
....with my pre-appointment freaking out post. I have about 2 hours to go until my u/s appt with the high-risk perinatalogist this morning. I'm scared as hell, but I am feeling hopeful that things will be ok. I've had a weekend filled with pregnancy symptoms like fatigue and dizziness as well as pushes, pulls and soreness in my belly and boobs....so I'm hoping that's an indication that beanie baby is alive and kicking....or twitching to be more specific....since that's supposed to start this week.
The contractor is putting in our kitchen cabinets today so that's very exciting...and I just heard that my cousin had her baby this morning and they are both doing well. There's lots going on around me but there's really only one thing on my mind right now and it's that ultrasound.
I was reading a pregnancy book over the weekend and it said that the baby is the size of a cheerio cut in 1/2. Of course I made Dan go get a cheerio and cut it in half......and I taped it into the book. I mean, it had to be done! Let's hope our cheerio has a heartbeat today eh?
The contractor is putting in our kitchen cabinets today so that's very exciting...and I just heard that my cousin had her baby this morning and they are both doing well. There's lots going on around me but there's really only one thing on my mind right now and it's that ultrasound.
I was reading a pregnancy book over the weekend and it said that the baby is the size of a cheerio cut in 1/2. Of course I made Dan go get a cheerio and cut it in half......and I taped it into the book. I mean, it had to be done! Let's hope our cheerio has a heartbeat today eh?
Friday, October 30, 2009
Girlies!!!
I told the girlies' (the TB's) about the pregnancy last night. We all got together for K's B-day. I really wanted to tell them in person. I was hoping to have the 2nd u/s with a heartbeat under my belt but I didn't want to wait b/c I have no idea when we'd be getting together next. I figured they were dying to know as much as I was! I showed them the u/s picture and they were all choked up. They are so sweet. J got all teared up and they all hugged me. Love those girlies!!!
Yesterday morning I went to get the H1N1 shot. They had a designated place set up for Montco residents (children 5-9 and pregnant women). So I get there 20 mins early and the parking lot is already full. Now this is one huge synagogue...so that's a big parking lot. I park on a side street and walk over. I was hoping the line (the giant line) would be inside, but alas no...and it goes along the whole sidewalk. I had to change into a short sleeve shirt to get the shot, so there I am in my t-shirt and lil leather jacket. oops. Luckily, we only waited about an hour....and I got to meet some nice people in the line.
On the way to girls' night though, I started feelin' wonky. I had the chills and was feeling a bit fluish. It got better when I ate some food, but then I woke up in the night with major stomach upset. This morning I slept until 9, despite the fact that the contractor comes at 8....and I'm still feeling kind of weird. Hopefully this will pass soon.
I definitely needed the shot though b/c I need to go to Matty's 5 year bday party in a couple of weeks and need to be protected from the slimy germs!!!
Yesterday morning I went to get the H1N1 shot. They had a designated place set up for Montco residents (children 5-9 and pregnant women). So I get there 20 mins early and the parking lot is already full. Now this is one huge synagogue...so that's a big parking lot. I park on a side street and walk over. I was hoping the line (the giant line) would be inside, but alas no...and it goes along the whole sidewalk. I had to change into a short sleeve shirt to get the shot, so there I am in my t-shirt and lil leather jacket. oops. Luckily, we only waited about an hour....and I got to meet some nice people in the line.
On the way to girls' night though, I started feelin' wonky. I had the chills and was feeling a bit fluish. It got better when I ate some food, but then I woke up in the night with major stomach upset. This morning I slept until 9, despite the fact that the contractor comes at 8....and I'm still feeling kind of weird. Hopefully this will pass soon.
I definitely needed the shot though b/c I need to go to Matty's 5 year bday party in a couple of weeks and need to be protected from the slimy germs!!!
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
My new life....
So...what do you do when you are 41 1/2 and get pregnant? You make a new career out of going to doctor's appts of course!!! I'm going to have both a regular OB and a high-risk OB. I've just set up consultations, followed by ultrasounds followed by testing....blah blah blah. I love how they are making me get genetic counseling even though I've done that twice already. I wonder how getting pregnant again makes the schpeel any different?
Today I had to go to the RE's office and pick up copies of my file to give both offices. I've also been hunting down a place to get the H1N1 flu shot and luckily I found one. Even though you get pregnant, the appt and injection fun does not stop!
Today I had to go to the RE's office and pick up copies of my file to give both offices. I've also been hunting down a place to get the H1N1 flu shot and luckily I found one. Even though you get pregnant, the appt and injection fun does not stop!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
A Rollercoaster of a day!
We had our second u/s appt scheduled for 1:15pm. The last few hours before the appt were really nerve-wracking for me. I drove all the way up to Montgomery Mall to return something. I went to one store then decided to head back home. I was a totally mess basically. My stomach was a bit squirrely too.
So I go and give blood and then D and I wait in the waiting room. For another 1/2 hour!!! Uggggh, they are never on time on that side. Then we finally go into the exam room....and wait 15-20 minutes more. This time without my pants. That's always fun.
However, all our frustrations went away when we found out our doctor for the day would be Dr. S. yay! He always answers our questions so that put me at ease. So, on to the u/s. We were really nervous about seeing the heartbeat today. I see the sac and the baby and I see fluid moving around that I hadn't seen before....I was pretty sure that it was the heart. But, Dr. S puts a different screen up that shows the sound waves of the heartbeat and it was a flatline....ugggh this is what happened to us last time when we had our m/c so I became very anxious. Then he turns that off and continues to do the exam. He says that his silence is not an indication that anything is wrong ...that's when I ask him if there's a heartbeat. An he says "oh yes"....and shows me the spot...the one that I originally saw. yay! He said that this machine wasn't able to detect it on audio this early. sigh.....ok
Then we can see the placenta and he points everything out. Then, he gives the assistant the u/s and she starts poking and prodding in very bad directions. I'm not sure what she was measuring and looking for, but it was uncomfortable.
Anyway, we left with our cool picture and very excited. D and I went out to dinner to celebrate.
Here's the rollercoaster part. I got home from dinner and when I went to the bathroom found out I was bleeding. (damn u/s girl!) I immediately went and put my feet up for the rest of the night. Luckily the bleeding has stopped, but it was very scary end to a very exciting day.
So I go and give blood and then D and I wait in the waiting room. For another 1/2 hour!!! Uggggh, they are never on time on that side. Then we finally go into the exam room....and wait 15-20 minutes more. This time without my pants. That's always fun.
However, all our frustrations went away when we found out our doctor for the day would be Dr. S. yay! He always answers our questions so that put me at ease. So, on to the u/s. We were really nervous about seeing the heartbeat today. I see the sac and the baby and I see fluid moving around that I hadn't seen before....I was pretty sure that it was the heart. But, Dr. S puts a different screen up that shows the sound waves of the heartbeat and it was a flatline....ugggh this is what happened to us last time when we had our m/c so I became very anxious. Then he turns that off and continues to do the exam. He says that his silence is not an indication that anything is wrong ...that's when I ask him if there's a heartbeat. An he says "oh yes"....and shows me the spot...the one that I originally saw. yay! He said that this machine wasn't able to detect it on audio this early. sigh.....ok
Then we can see the placenta and he points everything out. Then, he gives the assistant the u/s and she starts poking and prodding in very bad directions. I'm not sure what she was measuring and looking for, but it was uncomfortable.
Anyway, we left with our cool picture and very excited. D and I went out to dinner to celebrate.
Here's the rollercoaster part. I got home from dinner and when I went to the bathroom found out I was bleeding. (damn u/s girl!) I immediately went and put my feet up for the rest of the night. Luckily the bleeding has stopped, but it was very scary end to a very exciting day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
